Spousal Veto and Self-Harm

BonzaiBlitz

New member
So Bloom has been dating Techie for about five months.
He's also dating Windy.

About two months ago, he went from having a full-time job and a nice house to being unemployed and homeless, almost overnight.

Since then, Bloom and I have let him stay over on frequent occasion (no big deal), and he recently became employed again, but his lack of a stable residence has created an overhanging stress on his and Bloom's relationship.

Which would be manageable, but Bloom is under almost daily stress from her job.

There has been some deception recently, and Techie and Bloom's attempts to work it out has just left her feeling exponentially more inadequate and insignificant every time they talk.


To the point that last night, she hurt herself with a pair of scissors, just to try to replace the pain she can't control with one she can.


I've tried very hard to just let their relationship be itself, especially since my relationship with Windy has really taken flight.
I hate the idea/practice of "I'm the primary so I have final say on your other relationships".
...but Bloom's self-harm has really rattled me.

Windy and I have agreed that Bloom and Techie NEED to break up, if only so that Bloom can come back into herself emotionally and be able to function, and then make a decision regarding their relationship.
But while she agrees, she seems unable to convey it to him in a way he will accept.

Bloom and I never talked about "veto power" before, and I'd rather not try to force it now.

Does this situation just come down to Bloom pushing through to get the distance she needs, or am I missing some other option?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry this is happening.

Could you please be willing to clarify?

But while she agrees, she seems unable to convey it to him in a way he will accept.

What does she say to him? "I am breaking up with you. Do not contact me any more." Or something less clear?

What behavior does he do?

You both stopped letting him stay at your house, right? If she's cutting... is she willing to admit herself to hospital?

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi BonzaiBlitz,

When you say, "But while she agrees, she seems unable to convey it to him in a way he will accept" ... it sounds to me like you mean that Bloom agrees (that she should break up with Techie), and if that's the case, you don't need to veto her relationship with Techie, you just need her to convey it to him in a way he will accept. Which shouldn't be a problem if she states it direct and simple, e.g., "Techie, I am breaking up with you."

If he can't accept something that direct, that's a different kind of problem; she needs to back up her words with action. If Techie asks her out, she needs to say, "I told you, we are breaking up. No I don't want to go out with you." Things of that nature. Is she willing to do that? If not, then you have somewhat of a medical emergency on your hands, since she is harming herself. She may need to be committed for a period of time, for her own protection. You could call 911 or the police, and explain what's happening. Not the ideal scenario, but maybe necessary. She could avoid that outcome by breaking up with Techie and sticking to it.

Of course, you could just maintain the status quo, watch Bloom continue to date Techie, hope she doesn't self-harm again, and be helpless to stop her if she does. It just seems to me that that solution isn't what you really want. I hope you can work things out one way or another.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
To the point that last night, she hurt herself with a pair of scissors, just to try to replace the pain she can't control with one she can.

Does this situation just come down to Bloom pushing through to get the distance she needs, or am I missing some other option?
Umm, no.

First things first.

Bloom gets into therapy or lockdown or ECT or whatever she needs in order to STOP this behaviour right damn now.

THEN as part of setting up to heal she needs to remove a major irritant from her life, namely Techie.

THEN she needs to dig into whatever the hell is in her that makes her think slicing herself up over a five-month FLIRTATION makes sense.

THEN she needs to root out the garbage that predisposes her to such a (choose one or more) immature / manipulative / insane display -- possibly requiring her to immediately quit her job... or you.

How is it that YOU can mention it so blandly?
 
Your partners mental health and wellbeing always comes first. I'm not one to veto a partner, but, as someone that loves them, I am one to try to objectively show them that the relationship is doing more harm than helping. Then, if they won't listen, you've gotta put you first. I recently had to come to terms with this concept and make sure that I follow my own advice regarding it. It can be a really tough painful situation.
 

opalescent

Active member
Has Bloom cut herself before? Is this an old pattern? Ask her, I suspect this is not the first time.

I agree that ending the romantic relationship with Techie is a necessary step.

But while I wouldn't have phrased as harshly as Ravenscroft did, cutting or other self-harm is a sign that something is amiss internally within Bloom. I'm not saying she's wrong, suicidal, or completely messed up - just that her current coping mechanisms are failing her and she needs some assistance to learn new ones.

Ask her to go into therapy to learn some different coping mechanisms for stress and hard times. The people I know who have cut themselves did it to deal with pain they couldn't process (which sounds like what might be the case with Bloom) or they wanted to feel anything at all (serious depression). If she gets overwhelmed with more than one serious stressor (like a relationship going south or a tough job), then she needs help to figure out how she can better manage her stress. And she might have an underlying mental illness that could be contributing to this situation.

She also seems like she needs to talk with a professional around relationships. A five month long relationship should not send one into this kind of spiral. I wonder if there is some kind of abusive behavior directed her way by Techie? I can't tell if the feelings of inadequacy and insignificance are internally generated by Bloom, imposed by Techie through abuse or some combination. But regardless, that should not be happening. It's a sign something is really, really wrong with the relationship.

Again, something is awry. Urge Bloom to talk to a professional therapist. It wouldn't hurt if you got therapy too - not that there is anything wrong with you, just that this is a tough situation and it never hurts to get support and an outside viewpoint.

Finally, breaking up with someone is unilateral. No one needs anyone's permission or understanding to dump them. It doesn't matter if Techie can't accept it or not. That's not his call. He's dumped regardless of if he 'accepts' it or not. And I continue to wonder if there is some sort of stalking or other abuse going on or possibly developing. Go no contact with Techie in all media. No texts, visits, phone calls, Facebook, Instagram, anything. Block him on everything. Call the police if he shows up where you all live or otherwise tries to contact Bloom. Take out a restraining order if need be. I know this may seem extreme. But there are signs that are very, very concerning here about Techie's state of mind too. Pay attention to those signs, don't discount them.

As soon as you can, read 'The Gift of Fear'. It's a life saving book about how to spot and pay attention to warning signs that someone is dangerous.

I hope things are not as serious as I fear them to be. But be cautious anyway.
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
Yah, here I am being a big meanie just because someone is so stressed as to make suicidal gestures.

:rolleyes:

I don't happen to look at self-harming as "cute," as easily dismissable. The behavior can escalate, then whoopsie! next thing you know there's a call from the ER.

Soft-peddling this does nobody a kindness, & is merely self-distancing, allowing passive observation & "tsk-tsk, oh isn't that terrible, glad MY life doesn't suck."

Craziness doesn't exist in a vacuum. Unless it's all somehow attributable to some serious underlying physiological condition -- disease or genetics -- then negative behavior is due at least in part to other people.

The cast of characters might need to be changed. However, even more likely is that the criteria used to cast those people in the first place needs to be changed.

Something within Bloom WANTS the job's stress. Something within Bloom WANTS the hassles of Laptop.

And Bloom may in part be with BonzaiBlitz because he feeds into those negative needs too. He ought to consider that healing Bloom might require ending their relationship.

It's nothing so simple as "veto power."
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
Craziness doesn't exist in a vacuum.....
It's nothing so simple as "veto power."

Dunno if the OP is coming back, but for the sake of discussion and posterity, I'll add an emphatic YES to this. In family systems, there's often a "crazy one" or a "problem child" around whom all of the hand wringing revolves. "If only Betty weren't so nuts, everything would be great." The truth is that every person is involved in the family system and unless you are significantly and lovingly detached from it (in a healthy way, not in a resigned or resentful way) you are part of it, so it only behooves you (the OP and all of us) to look more deeply into how all of these people participate in the situation. Isolating out "the crazy one" or "the negative one" won't change why all of these people are drawn to this situation in the first place.

Bonzai Blitz, you're married to someone who physically tortures herself when the chips are down. What is this all about for you?
 
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vinsanity0

Active member
Yah, here I am being a big meanie just because someone is so stressed as to make suicidal gestures.

Cutting is not a suicidal gesture. It is as the OP mentioned, a way to inflict pain on one's self in a controlled manner. It is not a suicide attempt, nor is it (usually) a cry for attention.
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
Cutting is not a suicidal gesture. ... It is not ... a cry for attention.
Oh, sorry, BULLSHIT.

At when point when attention is intentionally called to it is it intentionally NOT called to it? I mean, seriously, :rolleyes:.

Let's step back a moment.

To speak frankly, I am a man who has dealt -- like for 40+ years -- with anger issues.

Best therapy? Work my butt at the gym. Go down to Snap Fitness & hit the weights for an hour (or more).

NOTE that I am NOT thereby lashing out at others, or even at myslf.

Often as not, I go home, cuddle the cats, have a high-pro snack, & go to bed.:)
 

starlight1

Member
I think you can't speak to the inside understanding of a cutter Ravencroft unless you yourself are one and even then you'd only be speaking for yourself.

I am not a cutter, but I got two tatoos on my wrist because I wanted to commit suicide by cutting once. I never became a cutter because I knew if I started it wouldn't be for pain release it'd be once and done. It would be far past a cry for a help it would be a resignation of life and will to live.

Every person has different motives though.

Also, suicidal ideation does not = cutting. And cutting doesn't equal suicidal ideation. One is a thought process and one is an act. If all suicidal people were 100% intent and successful we'd have lot less talk about suicide in general because it would be just an act and not a thought process. So please don't conflagerate the two.


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as far as what hte OP was talkng about. I'd bury the hatchet on Poly until mental health is dealt with. Priorities in my mind go like this Physical health > Mental Health > Relationship with self and family > Relation ship with ONE significant other > relationship with more and Poly.
 
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