Polyamory
Hello everyone,
I hope you all are doing well in this cold January.
I've been in hermit mode for the whole of last year and have been trying to come out of it, and it's been proving a bit difficult.
Nevertheless, I've managed to put myself out there again, by way of Reddit. (I refuse to use dating apps because of how they are.) I've been talking to someone for the past few days and we've made a great connection. This new person really wants to meet and the feeling is very much mutual, so I've started brainstorming plans to travel.
However, this person is married, and they've both been starting their polyamory journey. Now, I've been of the mindset that I want to stay away from married people. This is because of how messy things can get. Maybe I'm pessimistic, but I also think I'm realistic. As someone who once lived in a monogamous marriage, I know how the dynamics of that relationship are, fundamentally, at its core. That being said, I've come to a crossroads.
Something happened on their end. Their spouse had a partner, and ended that relationship. I asked what happened. (I know it's not my business to pry, but it was more out of care.) They told me it was due to jealousy issues. So here's my thing-- for the whole time we've been talking, I've seen a recurring theme of jealousy. It's come up about 4 times during our conversations. As far as I know, it's only coming from their spouse.
They told me in our very first conversation, that when they both tried poly the first time, that the spouse had issues with them texting someone at "inappropriate times," and I guess it spurred some jealousy that was strong enough to cause them to be forced to sever that tie with that budding connection. And then they returned to a closed marriage. After some time, they talked things over and both decided to try poly again.
That brings us to the present, where the person I'm talking to has told me he was going to not be online for a few days, to be there for the spouse, to help heal from the breakup with their person. They've told me that the spouse is going to start a healing journey, which is good. But, I see a pattern and a cycle being repeated here, and my guard, just when it was starting to go down, is now kinda going back up. And when I say guard, I really mean of my heart.
For context, after everything I've been through, from 2012 through the end of 2022, my heart has hardened. I have no idea why, but I'm finding it difficult for me to even fall in love with people. You can chalk it up to maturity, or learned lessons, or whatever, but I haven't felt quite myself since I left the triad situation with my former partners, and had a short-lived thing with someone afterwards. 2023 was a year of forced singleness/celibacy. It was a much needed break from dating, but now I'm feeling internal resistance that I genuinely don't want.
What I feel is going to happen, is things will progress with this new person, and the spouse will have issues again, and they'll have to close off from the connection we've begun building.
So, in my finite experience, I believe I SHOULD be guarded, because logically, if I give my heart to someone who has a hierarchical relationship with a nesting partner/spouse, I HAVE to know that it could end up amounting to nothing for me.
I am brainstorming what kind of conversation I should have with my new friend, once they're able to speak to me again. And that's why I'm here, asking if anyone has any feedback on this.
I am still working on myself and my creative endeavors. I am just done with being lonely and NOT taking action to try and find people.
Idk, maybe everything will be fine. Maybe I'm overthinking and just needed to vent my thoughts here. Obviously, I'm taking things slow, and being just friends for now with all my new contacts.
Thank you to anyone who reads this. I hope the new year is treating you well.
I hope you all are doing well in this cold January.
I've been in hermit mode for the whole of last year and have been trying to come out of it, and it's been proving a bit difficult.
Nevertheless, I've managed to put myself out there again, by way of Reddit. (I refuse to use dating apps because of how they are.) I've been talking to someone for the past few days and we've made a great connection. This new person really wants to meet and the feeling is very much mutual, so I've started brainstorming plans to travel.
However, this person is married, and they've both been starting their polyamory journey. Now, I've been of the mindset that I want to stay away from married people. This is because of how messy things can get. Maybe I'm pessimistic, but I also think I'm realistic. As someone who once lived in a monogamous marriage, I know how the dynamics of that relationship are, fundamentally, at its core. That being said, I've come to a crossroads.
Something happened on their end. Their spouse had a partner, and ended that relationship. I asked what happened. (I know it's not my business to pry, but it was more out of care.) They told me it was due to jealousy issues. So here's my thing-- for the whole time we've been talking, I've seen a recurring theme of jealousy. It's come up about 4 times during our conversations. As far as I know, it's only coming from their spouse.
They told me in our very first conversation, that when they both tried poly the first time, that the spouse had issues with them texting someone at "inappropriate times," and I guess it spurred some jealousy that was strong enough to cause them to be forced to sever that tie with that budding connection. And then they returned to a closed marriage. After some time, they talked things over and both decided to try poly again.
That brings us to the present, where the person I'm talking to has told me he was going to not be online for a few days, to be there for the spouse, to help heal from the breakup with their person. They've told me that the spouse is going to start a healing journey, which is good. But, I see a pattern and a cycle being repeated here, and my guard, just when it was starting to go down, is now kinda going back up. And when I say guard, I really mean of my heart.
For context, after everything I've been through, from 2012 through the end of 2022, my heart has hardened. I have no idea why, but I'm finding it difficult for me to even fall in love with people. You can chalk it up to maturity, or learned lessons, or whatever, but I haven't felt quite myself since I left the triad situation with my former partners, and had a short-lived thing with someone afterwards. 2023 was a year of forced singleness/celibacy. It was a much needed break from dating, but now I'm feeling internal resistance that I genuinely don't want.
What I feel is going to happen, is things will progress with this new person, and the spouse will have issues again, and they'll have to close off from the connection we've begun building.
So, in my finite experience, I believe I SHOULD be guarded, because logically, if I give my heart to someone who has a hierarchical relationship with a nesting partner/spouse, I HAVE to know that it could end up amounting to nothing for me.
I am brainstorming what kind of conversation I should have with my new friend, once they're able to speak to me again. And that's why I'm here, asking if anyone has any feedback on this.
I am still working on myself and my creative endeavors. I am just done with being lonely and NOT taking action to try and find people.
Idk, maybe everything will be fine. Maybe I'm overthinking and just needed to vent my thoughts here. Obviously, I'm taking things slow, and being just friends for now with all my new contacts.
Thank you to anyone who reads this. I hope the new year is treating you well.