still struggling...

[luckygirl]

It's been three months now since my partner of about a year and a half told be that he didn't think he could continue to function in a monogamous relationship, and that he wanted to be free to have romantic and sexual connections with other people.

I've been struggling with a lot of things in regards to this, and while he's been as supportive as he knows how to be, I still feel like I can't really talk to him about it, because it seems like he's not really hearing me, or lapses into logic or sarcasm when what I need is reassurance... or something. I feel like he gets frustrated with my inability to just get on board with it and feel what he feels.

There's so much going that I just don't understand. His idea of what the relationship model would ideally look like seems to change on a whim, and I feel like our life together is very unstable. There's now always the thought in the back of my mind that "I don't know if I can do this, maybe I'll have to leave", which interferes with my ability to be emotionally open to him. I feel like there is now distance between us that wasn't there when we were monogamous. I find myself putting distance between myself and other women in case he has, or develops, an attraction to them.

I don't want to break up, for various reasons. I'm totally in love with him; he's an amazing person who inspires and challenges and delights me in so many ways. I've never known anyone whose company I enjoy so much. I moved here to be with him, and I keep asking myself if I would have moved for an open relationship. I don't think I would have.

Something I'm struggling with is feelings that there must be something wrong in our relationship if he wants to have others. All my life I've heard "They don't look elsewhere if they're satisfied at home", and I can't help but worry that I'm an unsatisfying partner to him. I feel shamed and insulted. I've been reading a lot on this site and others, and it seems that most people who identify as poly were cheaters in the past; am I just giving a cheater a way to avoid guilt?

I don't want another lover. I feel like it would distract from my relationship with him. I'm trying to recognize that he's "just different" from me, and that wouldn't be the case for him, but there's this feeling that because he wants another and I don't, he must not be as in love, as committed, as serious, as whateveryouwanttocallit as I am. I know this is slightly stupid, and I'm trying to get past it.

Limited time and resources is another issue for me. We're both very busy people, and when we first talked about this, I expressed the concern that he didn't really have time to add another person to his life. He said "You make time", which sounds well and good, but he and I have been trying to "make time" to go see a movie together for over a week. He won't "make time" for me, but will for other women? He immediately balked when I suggested that he limit his time with another partner to once a week, and said he wanted to be able to see them more than that. We live together, but get very little quality time together as it is (not NEARLY once a week), and the idea that he wants to give the majority of his free time elsewhere is very hurtful to me.

I'm sticking with the thinking that this is just growing pains, that this is something I want to give him, that my feelings will get sorted out eventually... but I need some support. Ready, go.

 

[Breathesgirl]

Welcome .

Some polyamorists are former cheaters, yes, but not all or most.

If he won't listen with his ears maybe he will with his eyes. Write him, pen & paper or email, and lay it all out there, let him have the time he needs to process what you said. Invite him to ask questions about what you write or write you back with his own feelings and questions.

Communication doesn't always have to be verbal, it can be touching or writing as well.

Set up a calendar (I wholeheartedly endorse google calendar for this) with both of your schedules on it & write in a different colour when you will be available for time with him. Have him write in when his dates are so you can schedule something else for that time frame. Try to get to know his others so you can get a sense of who they are, you never know, you might find a good friend among them.

Go to www.xeromag.com and read what Franklin has written. He, and many on this forum, have awesome insight and words of wisdom.

 

[luckygirl]

Thanks for the advice.
In regard to the Google calendar tip, it's not scheduling that's a problem, but me feeling like he'll make time for other people to have "quality time" with him, while he and I don't get the same priority of making time to spend together to nurture OUR relationship together.

 

[Breathesgirl]

Maybe he feels secure in the relationship he has with you and doesn't realize that he needs to nurture it as well?

I'll bow out for now because I don't want to give bad advice & I'm a little lost on this one as well.

 

[Acroxander]

He said "You make time", which sounds well and good, but he and I have been trying to "make time" to go see a movie together for over a week. He won't "make time" for me, but will for other women

The discrepancy here seems to be how you and he define "quality time." Don't you live together? Have you recently, say, watched a movie with him when he could have been out with others, or perhaps just hung around?

There are other factors to consider. Is he working erratically? Does he perhaps have inclusive and absorbing hobbies that keep him busy whether or not he's with anyone? Perhaps time alone with you, to him, is quality time, whether or not you're SPECIFICALLY ALLOCATING it to be so. If that's the case, you may need to more plainly state your own needs. He may be more casual about that kind of thing than you are, in which case it simply won't occur to him.

If he is making what he considers to be sufficient efforts to be around you, and you don't. . . there is a conversation in your future.

 

[sage]

I have felt very much like you. We dealt with it using a two pronged approach. Firstly we negotiated and a good negotiator does not give up on the first come back, you go back again, and again if necessary.

Secondly I decided that I wanted to be the best version of myself that I could be so that Z would want to be with me. I don't believe we can make people love us or want to be with us. All we can do is be the best that we can be and if that isn't enough maybe it is time to walk.

I think it is fairly easy to tell a poly from a player by the amount of work they are prepared to put into your relationship to make it work. You say he is wonderful but it doesn't sound as if he is behaving very wonderfully.

 

[DazednConfused]

My partner opened up her Poly desires about 6 weeks ago. While I have no good advice, as I too am having difficulty, just wanted to say *hugs*.

 

[redpepper]

I have felt very much like you. We dealt with it using a two pronged approach. Firstly we negotiated and a good negotiator does not give up on the first come back, you go back again, and again if necessary.

Secondly I decided that I wanted to be the best version of myself that I could be so that Z would want to be with me. I don't believe we can make people love us or want to be with us. All we can do is be the best that we can be and if that isn't enough maybe it is time to walk.

I think it is fairly easy to tell a poly from a player by the amount of work they are prepared to put into your relationship to make it work. You say he is wonderful but it doesn't sound as if he is behaving very wonderfully.

Awesome post sage, I totally would of said just this.

I am often in the situation of your man, I get grumpy and frustrated about things not going my way or my partners not moving fast enough. It sucks to have to wait and negotiate boundaries constantly. There are somethings I have been waiting on for years! Ie. Moving to a more suited house.

He will need to practice better patience. For me it really helps when I am told exactly what someone wants from me. Lately PN, my husband told me that he needs more hugs from me. I have done my best to give him that. He asked for more quality time together and I have given that, to the detriment of one of my relationships actually. He has asked for us to have NRE back, I can't give that, I also can't have sex with him as often as I am resentful and unable to feel connected in that way right now. My boundary. We negotiated our boundaries again to make changes to become close again. We will again I'm sure. Being completely open and honest means constant negotiation. No one should compromise anything. Be creative to make it work. Creative and unresentful. Working on finding that ever illusive balance is what its all about... Poly or not. That's my thoughts anyway.

 

[idealist]

Welcome and I know you will find some good feedback here!! I agree with some of the others. It's better to be specific. "I need more quality time" doesn't really say anything.

Years ago, I was in a monogamous relationship and we lived together. My partner was expressing dissatisfaction. When pressed for more information, she said "When I come home from work in the evening, you don't even acknowledge my presence." We were in therapy at the time and I remember my therapist pointing out that I had no idea what she wanted. I worked from home and would often be right in the middle of a phone call or immersed in a project when she would come home. Saying "hello" to her and smiling wasn't enough for her. I had no idea how to "acknowledge her presence" and giving a person "more quality time" really doesn't say much either. I was pretty stressed about it.....not having any idea what in the heck to do.

Finally, after talking it over, we agreed that when she came home from work, I would stop what I was doing. Stand up. Walk into the room she was entering. Look at her. Approach her. Smile at her. Hug her. Kiss her. Ask her how her day was. Spend about 5 or 10 minutes with her. Then- she would go about her business and I could return to what I was doing......that was all she really wanted and it was an easy thing to fulfill.

Specifics are always better than vague requests.....good luck!!

 

[luckygirl]

Thanks for the feedback, folkses. Sage, I love what you said. I too am striving to be my best self, and the best partner I can be to my boyfriend. I have good days and bad days, of course, and I really appreciate all the support and feedback.

 

[luckygirl]

progress!

Okay. Things feel much better for me lately. First of all, I had a conversation with an ex-lover which finally made me realize that having feelings for someone else doesn't mean that your feelings for your partner are compromised. I know it probably seems like a little thing to you guys, but it was important for me. This ex-lover has expressed an interest in seeing each other romantically again whenever/if ever I should be ready, which felt kind of nice, I'll admit. It felt nice, I'm considering it, and I'm still madly in love with my boyfriend. How about that.

Thinking about how I would feel if roles were reversed has always been tremendously helpful for me when I'm struggling with something, and now I feel like I have an example I can use for myself in this situation. It's good.

Then, when I told my bf about this, he was so completely cool about it, loving, supportive and encouraging, ready to help me out in any way he could; he really set a great example. It was the weirdest thing; he would say "I'm interested in so-and-so", and I had no idea how to react, so I defaulted into the reaction that I had been conditioned to accept as normal. I knew that I wasn't reacting in a way I felt good about, but didn't know what else to do. His reaction has made me see what's possible for my own behaviour. Does that make sense?

I really do WANT to do this. I still have things to learn and to practice, and I'm sure I'll still fuck up from time to time, but the next time my guy says to me that he's interested in so-and-so, my intention is to smile and say "That's cool, she's awesome."

Wish us luck.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi Lucky,

There's a lot here in your post. Maybe some of this will help you get some clarity on where you're at .............

It's been three months now since my partner of about a year and a half told be that he didn't think he could continue to function in a monogamous relationship, and that he wanted to be free to have romantic and sexual connections with other people.

Important to keep in mind it's not only poly relationships that go through what we call NRE ! You guys have only been together for a little over a year - hardly time to let the relationship settle in. I'd guess that maybe this is what you guys are hitting now - a settling in. It's different than the NRE stage and will require some new understandings of each other and the 2 of you as a unit.

I've been struggling with a lot of things in regards to this, and while he's been as supportive as he knows how to be, I still feel like I can't really talk to him about it, because it seems like he's not really hearing me, or lapses into logic or sarcasm when what I need is reassurance... or something.

Yep - more evidence of the fading of NRE and coming down to earth. You must learn to communicate.

There's so much going that I just don't understand. His idea of what the relationship model would ideally look like seems to change on a whim, and I feel like our life together is very unstable.

Well - accept the possibility that he may not know what a real, long term relationship means/requires. The NRE has faded and it's entirely possible he's not prepared to move to the next level. It IS possible. Be prepared to face that - call a spade a spade as we say. If it comes out he's only an adrenalin (NRE) junkie then better to discover that now than later.

I find myself putting distance between myself and other women in case he has, or develops, an attraction to them.

Typical defensive mechanism ! Bad - very bad. Regardless of your current situation I suggest you put some serious effort into banishing that trait from your being. It's self defeating in the long run, can lead to serious personality defects, damages potentially important relationships/networks etc. Every person we meet has a potential to be important in our life for a variety of reasons we may not be immediately aware of. Pushing others away out of fear is a bad habit to develop.

Something I'm struggling with is feelings that there must be something wrong in our relationship if he wants to have others. All my life I've heard "They don't look elsewhere if they're satisfied at home", and I can't help but worry that I'm an unsatisfying partner to him.

Ahhhh - so now you can see the 'programming' we're subjected to growing up ! This is a classic one intended to keep women in line and submissive to men. Instill feelings of obligation and inferiority ! Discard this as the rubbish it is ! what's important is that you be the best person you can be that YOU will love. If that's not what someone else needs/wants - so be it. In the end we have to live/love with ourselves every day of our life. Not running away from ourselves.

I feel shamed and insulted.

Yep - exactly what they intended you to feel to keep you in line

I don't want another lover. I feel like it would distract from my relationship with him.

Fairly common but subject to change. Right now all your energy is being spent trying to maintain this relationship. If/when it finally settles in and just flows naturally that COULD change. We never know. The foundation of poly is that we don't know that, and are making space (and peace) for the unknown down the road to not generate some crisis.

Limited time and resources is another issue for me.

Discussed in depth all over this forum. Won't repeat. Read, research & think.

I want to give him, that my feelings will get sorted out eventually... but I need some support. Ready, go.

Maybe they (feelings) will, maybe they won't. Although it might seem honorable and loving to try to 'give' something like this - you can't give what you don't actually own. Poly is NOT for everyone automatically. Neither can you force feed it to yourself if you are allergic to it. Does it have distinct advantages - yes. Is it simple & painless - NO !
I might suggest studying it like you would shopping for new furniture. Understand the list of variables. Maybe even try some out. See what feels most comfortable to you. Ask around (like you are here) for others experiences longer term. Just take it on as a project. Regardless of what the final decision is, you'll be in a better space knowing you did your due diligence and won't be stuck wondering if you missed something potentially special that could have been a life changing decision.

Good luck and check in with all of us whenever you want to bounce something off someone else. There's a wealth of experience available here and as many perspectives as there are people.

GS