Stop The Vinsanity...


Active member
After looking through this part of the forum, I realized that almost all the blogs are by women. I figured I would add a man's perspective, while sorting out my thoughts. I recently had a lot of drama in my life and it has been difficult for me to process it. I think this will help me more than it will help anyone else.

By way of an introduction I guess I will start with the women in my life. First, there is my recent ex-wife, Cat (she loves cats so that is what I'll call her here). She lives in Florida and I am now in Seattle. I used to travel back and forth. We still talk...almost negotiating to see if we will ever get back together. We were together (mostly) for 20 years, though never legally married. We had an open relationship for the last year or so. I do love her, but there is a lot we need to work out.

Next is Mary (calling her that because she is sweet and innocent and plain, but not in a bad way), who was my high school sweetheart. We reconnected via Facebook a few years ago. Unfortunately she is married and monogamous, but says she is still in love with me. She has always had a piece of my heart. She is also very vanilla. She is aware that I am both poly and kinky. She doesn't understand the poly...thinks two people who love each other should only want each other. I think she is starting to get it, as she loves both me and her husband. Unfortunately, she has read 50 Shades and thinks that's what bdsm is. She is very curious about it and I answer her questions as best I can. Our current relationship is long distance as she lives in Ohio. We talk every day. I have visited her once and we did fool around a little.

Next is Elle (short for Elvira because she has beautiful long, dark hair and always wears black). She is 12 years younger than me. I met her through a friend. When she found out I was new in town she offered to show me some cool places to hang out. We became fast friends and eventually fell in love. I was still with Cat when we met and she knew it. She wasn't thrilled with the concept, but we did just start out as friends and it grew from there. When Cat and I split, Elle hoped we might end up mono together. I did consider that (good ole NRE there), but decided against it because she is a bit unstable. Then she backed off and we became more like good friends with benefits. Lately, however, she has become somewhat withdrawn and we barely talk anymore. She did ask me for a ride the other day. On the way to her place we stopped for a drink. She says she is still in love with me, but feels she should stay away because she has "issues". Then we ended up in bed

Finally, for now, is Sprite (so named because she is short and cute and...magical). She is 10 years younger. We met on OKC about three weeks ago. After a few emails we switched to texting. We had a lunch date a couple days later. At the end of that she looks at me and asks what do I think. I said I think I'd like to see her again. She said she was free the next evening. We met at her apartment and played. She is the only non-vanilla lady I am seeing at the moment. She is in a W relationship with two married guys, plus has a girlfriend. Unfortunately, this does not leave her with a lot of time for me. We have played twice, and we talk a little every day.

I welcome any questions or comments. After reading some other stories, mine might be a little boring, not as crazy as it feels to me sometimes.
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I spoke with Cat today. She keeps bringing up things from our past that simply can't be changed. I am willing to move past all that, but she can't seem to get past it. For now, I have just adopted a wait and see attitude. I am not holding a primary spot for her. Hell, I'm not even really interested in a primary relationship at this point. I would prefer to have several close relationships on a more or less equal footing. Solo will do me just fine.

Cat is used to having hierarchical type relationships. In her last marriage she had hubby as the primary in a DADT relationship. Then she had a BF (which I became) who was aware of hubby, but not the occasional toys beneath them. The toys knew all. That seemed backwards to me. I don't care for DADT. It seems like cheating since you have to essentially go behind the partner's back to do it. I like everything out in the open. I like being able to share my experiences with the people I love.

I am going on a trip next week. I have to give one of my drivers some re-training so I will be riding along. I let Sprite know that I wanted to see her before I left. We didn't get to see each other last weekend. She said she did want to see me as well. She would hate for it to be so long before we were together again. I told her I knew going in that she had a busy schedule. She said her schedule had to do with "having enough energy". I'm assuming that she means for the heavy play we do. I want to tell her that I really enjoy her company and we don't have to play every single time we see each other. We have a date set for Sunday afternoon so I will tell her then. I really like her and would like to be more than just play partners (though she is amazing in that aspect).

This trip will take me through Mary's city. I told her I would be able to spend a night there. She is thrilled and so am I. We talk every day, but haven't seen each other since Easter.

In fact, I talk to all three every day. Elle is a different story. She texted me last night to ask about how a business meeting went. So at least she thinks about me and is interested in what is going on in my life. I told her it went fine and asked her how she has been. No answer. I really miss the good times we always have when we are together. It really sucks that we are not on the same relationship page. She and Cat are so much alike it is scary.
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Thank you for starting a blog - yes the majority of active blogs on here are by women (Kevin's being the exception that comes to mind). In my mind "boring" = no major drama - and is therefore a GOOD thing. That being said, you have a lot going on! but it seems you are juggling things just fine. You are being open and honest about what you can offer and the women in your life have the option of participating ... or not, at whatever level they have to offer. Ah, mature adult relationships - priceless.
Hyperskeptic and Nox blog occasionally too. I look forward to reading another male perspective. Welcome to the Forum!
I blog to process, I find it helpful, hopefully it will work for you too.
Cat and Elle, funny how we date the same folks over and over isn't it?
Thank you for starting a blog - yes the majority of active blogs on here are by women (Kevin's being the exception that comes to mind). In my mind "boring" = no major drama - and is therefore a GOOD thing. That being said, you have a lot going on! but it seems you are juggling things just fine. You are being open and honest about what you can offer and the women in your life have the option of participating ... or not, at whatever level they have to offer. Ah, mature adult relationships - priceless.

Thank you for the kind words. I am attempting to start life anew in a drama-free world of my own creation. Three months ago it seemed like my life was all drama all the time. I cut all that drama out of my life and it feels awesome.

You seem to have plenty going on The juggling isn't too bad since two are long distance. I normally wouldn't consider LDR but these are two very important women in my life. Actually, I wish I had more going on locally. One thing I do tend to do is forget who I talked to about what when it comes to conversations about my day, etc.
Hyperskeptic and Nox blog occasionally too. I look forward to reading another male perspective. Welcome to the Forum!
I blog to process, I find it helpful, hopefully it will work for you too.
Cat and Elle, funny how we date the same folks over and over isn't it?

I really wish I had found this place a few months ago. It would have helped me tremendously.

Normally I date all types of women. Cat and Elle are definitely two peas in a pod. I am lucky to have found them both. Holding onto them may be a different story...

Cat and I had some great phone time today, both on my way to work and on my way home.

First, a little background. One major problem we had in our relationship was my predilection for bdsm. She was never at all interested in any sort of play of that nature. I was more or less fine with that. It did bother me that she didn't really get the dynamic. She felt that playing the submissive role would be degrading. At the same time, she felt somehow inadequate (her word) that there was something I liked that she couldn't possibly give me.

After we broke up she was having a hard time paying bills. I helped her out for awhile, but told her that couldn't go on forever. I suggested she maybe find a guy that was willing to pay all her bills for her if she didn't want to put any effort into finding a job. Now she has decided to basically look for a Sugar Daddy type. So she has an ad out there somewhere. Lately we have been laughing about some of the stuff guys write...just like the OKC thread on here, which I share with her occasionally.

Now back to our conversation. Yesterday she told me she's been talking to an interesting guy. Today she tells me he says he likes dominant women. Oh the irony. The funny thing is she does have a dominant personality. I asked her if she was still interested in the guy. She said she wasn't sure. I told her I would be happy to serve as a "technical adviser". We talked a little more about it, then I had to start work.

After work, I called her. She told me she had talked to one of my ex-subs about it. Yes, they somehow managed to become friends (Damn Facebook). Anyways, Cat thoroughly researches anything that interests her so she wanted to get a sub's perspective. XS told her she thought Cat would be well-suited for it. (And I know she is loving the fact that Cat is finding a Dominant side of herself after refusing to explore the other side with me.) So now this guy has started calling her Mistress...

Now, what was so great about these conversations is we could talk and laugh about the situation without her taking everything I said the wrong way. This is some huge progress. Because of her feelings of inadequacy, she always interpreted things as a putdown or criticism. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. She may be on the way to letting go of some things.

And she also said that she bets Sprite will get a kick out of this story (they've never met or talked, but she is right, she probably will.)

Sprite and I had a great time last night, even though it had to end a bit earlier than normal. She and one of her married partners share an apartment that they both use to meet others. She also shares a house with her ex. They alternate times to be there with the kids. This was her weekend to be home with them. They are all teenagers so it's not like they need constant supervision, but she does have to be there at night.

So...I asked her about her comment regarding having enough energy and whether that had to do with playing or just seeing anyone in general. She said it was a little bit of both. She is just in the process of adjusting to her new work schedule, having been off all summer. Suddenly she is back to work and it is very hectic. I told her I understood. I also told her that we didn't have to play every time we saw each other and I would like to spend some vanilla time with her as well. She said she would like that too...then grinned and said she really enjoyed playtime though. With that, we played and it was great. Then we laid in bed and talked some more until it was time to go...

I really enjoy my time with her, as little as that might be. I still miss having someone who is around more so that search continues.
I had some non-relationship drama over the weekend which resulted in the firing of the employee that I was supposed to ride with. Not only did he claim he was not getting paid, he was skimming off the top of his expense money.

Unfortunately, Sprite had already scheduled the next two Saturdays since she thought I would be out of town. She does have some time on Sunday though, so we will see each then.

Mary was disappointed that I wasn't driving through Ohio to meet her so she bought me a plane ticket. The weekend after this is her birthday and our high school reunion. Should be interesting. I haven't been to any of them. I feel like such a

Cat and I talked quite a bit today about stuff. She was unsure whether I am embracing poly or just trying it out. I reassured her everything was good. She is a little down because she hasn't found anyone. She does have a fwb but they haven't hooked up in awhile. Now she is feeling like I am having all the fun. I encouraged her to get out more. I tried to talk her into going on OKC but she doesn't want to sort through idiots.

Haven't talked to Elle in awhile. I am worried about her. She gets major bouts of depression.
I meant to post this last nite, but my internet started acting up...

Had an interesting weekend. On Saturday I went to a company cookout. Not sure if I mentioned it but it turns out Sprite's part time apartment is basically across the street from the office I mostly work out of. She texted me a "wave" and said she had been out shopping for sexy outfits with one of her guys. It really makes me feel good that she texts me just to have random conversations. At least I know she thinks about me when I'm not there.

We had scheduled to meet at 11 am on Sunday. I headed out at 10:30 to get over there and she texted me that she was running behind, so we moved it to 12:30. That gave me some time to peruse the local toy...I mean hardware store.

I got to meet one of my metamours as he was leaving to go out and watch the game. He seems nice enough. It was a little weird for me. That was the first time I had been in a situation like that.

So, he left and Sprite and I hung out for a little bit before playing. It was awesome and it keeps getting better. Afterwards we snuggled together for a bit before going out on the balcony for a smoke. At some point she was just sitting there with a smile on her face and I asked her what she was thinking. She said, "I'm happy."

After awhile we went back in and sat on the bed, still talking. I started to gather up my stuff. She said she was supposed to meet them somewhere to watch the game, but wasn't sure if she was or not. Now I think that might have been some sort of hint that she wanted me to stay because three hours after I left she texted me that she had decided not to go...and asked me if I watch football. I told her I don't, but I happened to be watching it because I stopped in a local bar on my way home. I told her I should have wrangled an invite from her to stay and hang out longer....then of course my phone died. I went out to the car and plugged it in and turned it back on. She had replied that yeah, I could have stayed after all and it looked like she would always be free on Sundays during the game. Then we both texted at the same time that we should use that to spend more time together.

I told her that I would miss her next weekend while I am out of town and she said she would miss me too. She said she still hopes I have a great time and wants to hear all about it when I get back.

So after that conversation I go back into the bar. I head out to the patio to have a smoke. As I am standing there pretending to be interested in the game, some young guy walks up and starts talking to me. He asks me if I am there alone. I say yes I am...and he asks me if I want to be. I'm thinking wtf? is this guy trying to pick me up?

It turns out his MOM was inside and had noticed me. Then she thought I left (when I went to plug my phone in) and was glad when I came back in. So he wanted to hook us

I'll end it there because Elle just asked me what I was doing tonight. I think I'll go check on her and make sure she is doing OK....
I met Elle after she got off work and we had a few drinks. We had a good time, but she was in one of her weird moods so we didn't sleep together. It was just as well since I had to get up early for work today anyway.

I was writing about the woman at the bar (incidentally, this is also the same place Elle works). I invited to come sit with me inside, but all those seats were now taken so she invited me to sit at her table. That was kind of awkward with her son there, plus his friend and another girl. At one point she looked at me and asked, "Where do you stand?" I asked her what she meant and she said "on relationships." LOL...what a thing to ask someone you are trying to pick up in a bar, right? So I just said I am the happy go lucky type who just lets things happen the way they happen. This does prompt a question I will ask in another part of this forum: When do you tell someone you are poly?

Anyways, eventually she had to leave. She was going to give me her number, but my phone had died again. I told her to go ahead and text me anyway so I would have her number. I gave her mine. That was Sunday and she hasn't texted or called me.

Cat has started talking to some guy she met online. They are going to meet in person this weekend. Some of my old insecurities made a brief appearance. Apparently this guy has lots of money and is already talking about taking her on his yacht some day, etc, etc. I asked her what he looked like and she basically described me with shorter hair. I do hope she has a good time though. That being said, we are on shaky ground right now, so I hope she doesn't let the NRE take over...
Yesterday was an interesting day.

Cat figured out the new guy is probably a fake..

The best part of my day was an impromptu lunch date with Sprite. She played hooky from work. I was extremely happy to see her since we have to skip this weekend. I really like her a lot. I can see myself falling for her and I try to hold back because she has so little time for me. But then she makes time like this...and now there's at least more time every other Sunday...though there could be even more. She said she would have just invited me over to her house for lunch but it was too messy there. At least that opens up the possibility of seeing her more often.

My car tried to ruin my day yesterday...I should call her Christine. I was doing some laundry when Sprite texted me about lunch. I decided to grab my car and clean it out. As I was sitting there letting it warm up, some guy came up and told me it was dumping fluid out. I get out and see a puddle of transmission fluid. My first thought was dammit I'm screwed, but I managed to find the leak. It was just a hose that popped off one of the transmission cooling lines. I tightened it back up, had to borrow my roomie's car to run and get tranny fluid, texted Sprite that I would be half an hour late. That turned into an hour late because I had to jump in the shower and my roommate decided to take a shower and wash her baby at that time. It really sucks having only one bathroom.

But I finally made it and lunch was great because it was with her.
Tomorrow I fly out to see Mary. I hope I'm not flying like a moth to a flame. I do have some trepidation about this trip. Mary has always been super-monogamous. I fear she may use this opportunity to try and change me. The other problem is she is as vanilla as vanilla can be. I don't have a problem dating vanilla, but I would never ever go back to only being with someone who is.

Mary understands that I am both kinky and poly. She knows that I am in relationships with other people because I don't keep anything from anybody. But I still think she may have it in the back of her mind that if I truly love her as she loves me, I will simply want to spend the rest of my life with only her.


She could just be cheating on her husband, or seeing how things go with us...who knows?

She has told me she told her husband the marriage is over. Among other things, he is asexual. The problem is she hasn't left the building yet.

Should be an interesting weekend.
Wow, so much going on, awesome, exciting, could go in any direction, I have my fingers crossed for you.

Kia kaha
Vinsanity, I just want to say that I get an inner chuckle at your blog name every time I see it.

What an interesting weekend that was...

First off, the reunion part wasn't great. Most of the people from my class that I hung out with weren't there. Most of the people there were from the jock crowd. In high school I hung out more with the intellectual stoner crowd. I also hung out with the college kids from the local university. That said, I made a game of pretending to not remember the more popular people. That was just the Sadist in

It's been about 30 years since I've been back to that small town. Not one of my favorite watering holes was still standing. It was kind of sad. I did run into some of my old friends from adulthood though.

My time with Mary was fun. It was also kind of awkward. She seemed to be very overwhelmed. The first night I was expecting some very passionate lovemaking. She was very shy and basically just laid there. It was like taking her virginity all over again. The second night she was a little more loose and playful. Unfortunately she is somewhat limited physically due to having recent back surgery so I didn't feel comfortable doing some of the things she was curious about. I could tell she was just trying to please me.

I did get to do some antiquing while in town. Saturday was her birthday so I bought her something she had admired. This being a big equestrian area, I ran across some items to add to my collection. A vintage riding crop and a braided leather quirt. I also picked up an old rattan rug beater. At the counter, the lady in front of me jokingly asked me if I was going to beat someone with it. I pointed to Mary who was standing nearby and said "Yes, her." Mary turned 50 shade of After we left she told me she was trying to keep from laughing when the lady asked me that...and couldn't believe I said what I did...but she was laughing about it.

All in all it was a great experience and we are already making plans for me to visit again sooner rather than later. Things may get a little complicated with her though, but more on that in my next post...
I talked with Mary yesterday. She made a comment that she hopes to find one person to share her life with after she gets divorced. I talked to her about poly. She won't consider it for herself. She is tolerating it in me, but I guess that part of our relationship will end if she finds someone. She does have some issues with my dating though. She keeps mentioning that I am used to better looking women than her. She seems to think there is a competition and she will lose. She even went so far as to say I won't need her in my life. I told her she was already in my life. I wish she would stop with the passive-aggressive BS. I prefer that people be direct with me.

The funny thing is, after all that, she started talking about wanting to meet me somewhere warm this winter.

On Monday, Sprite invited me over for dinner and netflix tonight. I am really looking forward to seeing her. Things are so straightforward and easy with her. There is no game playing. Can't wait to have a nice relaxing evening. It's been awhile. She had also asked me if I wanted to go to a play party on Saturday...if she ended up being free. I didn't like being a second or third choice, but said I would go. Turns out she will be busy. We will still be getting together Sunday though. Almost had three days with her in one week.

I ran into Elle on Monday night. I didn't go in there specifically to see her. It was a nice surprise that she was still hanging out after work. We had a couple drinks after her companion left. We kept it kind of relationship talk.

Cat called me last night. She started flipping out because the guys she has been meeting are not working out. She seemed to think I just hopped online one day and met Sprite. While it is true that I hadn't been on OKC that long, I had been searching a little over a year. I told Cat I just got extremely lucky and assured her she would find someone she liked eventually.

Cat also confessed that she had bought a membership to a local swing club in July. She didn't tell me about it because she thought I would be mad. I told her that we had decided the rule against going to clubs alone was dropped way before that. Basically she lied to me. I told her I was fine with the swing club thing, but will never be fine about being lied to. The problem with her is she tends to try and avoid anything that might be unpleasant...which leads to unpleasantness in the end.
Last night was awesome. I went over to the apartment and Sprite made dinner. Then I picked out a movie and we watched it all cuddled up on the couch together. That was really nice. It probably doesn't sound like much, but it really meant a lot to me. She had remembered me saying we didn't always have to play hard every time we see each other and I would like to spend some vanilla time with her. We didn't even have sex, though we did make out quite a bit.

After the movie we went out on the balcony for a smoke. We talked for a bit. Her bf came home and hung out for a bit. Then I went home as she has to get up way too early on weekdays.

Today, on the other hand, was exhausting. I talked with Cat on the phone for hours. She was having a meltdown caused by several things, some of which I won't get into. The parts that pertain to me are that she is still bummed that I seem to be getting what I want while she is struggling. She is also struggling with the LDR aspect. She says it feels like we are entering the Friend Zone, like exes who get along...which makes sense because that is pretty much what we are at the moment, though we are working through it. She feels like we are not really part of each other's lives. I mentioned this in an earlier forum post, but I gave her some things to do that would help me out with my business. When I talked to her again a little bit ago, she thanked me for letting her help out. She said it made her feel better.

In between my bouts with Cat, I was also talking to Mary. Mary is trying to deal with her impending divorce. Yesterday she called herself my girlfriend. Today she reiterated the fact she is monogamous. I flat out asked her if she expects me to change. She says no...but then she still wants to keep seeing me.

I think LDR is the toughest sort of relationship to have.

I came out to my first wife today. We happened to be on FB at the same time and she commented on something I had posted. She messaged me to say hi. She asked me if I ever get to her area anymore. I said not likely, but perhaps some day. She said she would like to see me if that wouldn't interfere with any relationship. I told her her I am only in open relationships these days and she said she doesn't understand those at all. LOL...this coming from a woman who cheated on me, moved in with that guy, then cheated on him with me.