Struggle to be Stronger

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 001=

Why not start a blog here to decompress. I sometimes reflect on why I opened up to polyamory. The reason I'm open to polyamory is because it's natural.

There are concepts of soul mates, monogamy, etc. but those concepts are made to equalize the dating field. In my opinion, relationships seen in this structure are not made equal. I realize that fairness is the foundation of any relationship type. Fair does not mean equal.

Each person's experience is different and it goes at a different pace. Some never got anything and in the end got more that they can handle. Some got things too early and in the end lost it all. To me, there's a natural balance to everyting. A good balance comes from focusing on your well-being as well as the well-being from those who care about you.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 002=

The more I look into polyamory, the more I encounter poly communities. There's a bunch of them to connect with, but there are some that will be more welcoming and supportive than others. It's best to find what online resources for polyamory is right to reference.

So I made an account on Reddit and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are not welcoming. I felt like I was in a weird echo chamber filled with super critical people. All it took is one bad post to get me attacked and it wasn't my intention to offend anyone. Not once I singled out and insulted any member on there. Apparently there's no way to express yourself honestly and respectfully. With the vitriolic comments come with downvotes. The more downvotes you have, the more negative your karma becomes. With negative karma, you're pretty much censored (your posts will be buried or not seen). Lesson learned I guess. If you don't expect any intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Reddit. If you mimic the echo chamber, you will not be harassed.

I also made an account on Quora and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are more welcoming. I felt like each person has a varied view on their personal poly experience. The quality of the posts matter though, so I make sure that mine has value to share. I felt like each member is well experienced and genuine. There are some disagreements, but the discussions remain respectful. Users can upvote or downvote posts, but overall I don't see much of that. If you want to see intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Quora. You're free to express yourself as long as you're respectful.

 

[Ariakas]

So I made an account on Reddit and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are not welcoming. I felt like I was in a weird echo chamber filled with super critical people. All it took is one bad post to get me attacked and it wasn't my intention to offend anyone. Not once I singled out and insulted any member on there. Apparently there's no way to express yourself honestly and respectfully. With the vitriolic comments come with downvotes. The more downvotes you have, the more negative your karma becomes. With negative karma, you're pretty much censored (your posts will be buried or not seen). Lesson learned I guess. If you don't expect any intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Reddit. If you mimic the echo chamber, you will not be harassed.

Honestly, you just described reddit in general. Echo Chamber with one way criticality Reddit is filled with people who love being and remaining offended.

I also made an account on Quora and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are more welcoming. I felt like each person has a varied view on their personal poly experience. The quality of the posts matter though, so I make sure that mine has value to share. I felt like each member is well experienced and genuine. There are some disagreements, but the discussions remain respectful. Users can upvote or downvote posts, but overall I don't see much of that. If you want to see intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Quora. You're free to express yourself as long as you're respectful.

Interesting, I never think of Quora as a community. I thought it was just a weird Q&A site that would pop up if google couldn't find a good answer.

Do you have a local group? That's usually the best result for finding folks aligned in both area and politics etc etc.

You mentioned soul mates above, in regards to it being a mono distinction and general unfairness. Check out a concept called Anam Cara, I used to post about it here quite a bit. Seems to apply well to the world of poly.

 

[polytheparrot]

@Ariakas

I'm not sure if there are any local poly groups in the DFW TX area. I'll try finding some again or maybe start up my own. Preferably I would like to make connections in my local area, but starting some online is fine as well.

Anam Cara... that sounds interesting. I'll look into that concept a bit more.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 003=

Sometimes writing a short entry is enough to get the point across. While writing a super specific, highly detailed entry is some people's cup of tea, it's not really me.

I think simplicity and plain text can get the point across as well as develop another discussion if some people want more context.

 

[Ariakas]

@Ariakas

I'm not sure if there are any local poly groups in the DFW TX area. I'll try finding some again or maybe start up my own. Preferably I would like to make connections in my local area, but starting some online is fine as well.

Anam Cara... that sounds interesting. I'll look into that concept a bit more.

Hmmm there used to be poly groups in dfw. Then again the people I knew there all moved to vancouver region

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 004=

It's been a while (roughly a month) since I made another blog entry. I did some self reflecting and I realized all the pain I've endured when I accepted polyamory with an open mind.

Maybe factors such as my race, ethnicity, personality, sexual orientation, geographic location, personal standards, and personal goals make things a bit more harder for me. For context, here are these factors:

Race = Asian
Ethnicity = Filipino
Personality = INTJ
Sexual Orientation = Hetero
Geographic Location = USA
Personal Standards = Fairness
Personal Goals = Be wealthy

I can add more to the last two factors, but I'm just giving an example. There's probably other factors I missed, but I might mention them later.

So addressing the pain I endured so far, here's my experience:

Unwelcoming people within the poly community... I sometimes think how can this community grow if there are those in the community who are not beginner friendly. Maybe I was asking questions that made them go in a 'cognitive dissonance' state and so their last bits of critical arguments are to belittle me. Wow, I certainly feel the love.

Criticism from the poly community... I don't mind criticism as long as it's constructive. If criticism is used to knock down my self-esteem, make me question my outlooks (a.k.a. gaslighting), and resort to belittling me then it's just convincing me, others looking from the outside, or those considering getting into poly to turn around and pass over polyamory. I already stated my reason why I switched over to poly, but currently I'm not feeling the love at the moment.

Criticism from outside the poly community... It's the usual routine with the non-poly people. They implied that I made it easy to get with my wife. The stardard charged question I get goes along the lines of, "Wow, so you let other guys fuck your wife?" I don't get angry or jealous from those comments. Actually I feel a higher level of empathy of what women need to watch out for when it comes to men. Sex is nice, but what comes after that? Sadly, it seems as if sex is used as a way to hunt prey than grow flowers. Oh well...

Mockery from outside the poly community... Pretty much I saw different ways of people telling me I'm stupid to be in an open relationship. Yep...

Location and cultural standards... I already know that I'm not the beauty standard of the western world. Especially in the USA, the stats show that my racial demographic is still struggling. Even that didn't deter me from switching over to poly. Currently I just feel for those who struggle with dating in general, especially the ones who are single.

So is being polyamorous worth all the pain?

Honestly I think so. Even if I can't get lucky to find the women who fit my criteria, I won't switch over to monogamy. I just know that I currently have a special person I'm married to. Currently, I'm just finding ways to improve myself and be open to other possibilities that will benefit me and those who I care about. I can put my standards way down in the dirt, but I think that'll be counterproductive...

 

[Magdlyn]

Unwelcoming people within the poly community... I sometimes think how can this community grow if there are those in the community who are not beginner friendly. Maybe I was asking questions that made them go in a 'cognitive dissonance' state and so their last bits of critical arguments are to belittle me. Wow, I certainly feel the love.

Criticism from the poly community... I don't mind criticism as long as it's constructive. If criticism is used to knock down my self-esteem, make me question my outlooks (a.k.a. gaslighting), and resort to belittling me then it's just convincing me, others looking from the outside, or those considering getting into poly to turn around and pass over polyamory. I already stated my reason why I switched over to poly, but currently I'm not feeling the love at the moment.

It sounds like you're still trying to get support at reddit. I never go there. Poly people who do go there agree it's a rough, insular, group-think kind of place, with impossible definitions of and standards for poly.

 

[polytheparrot]

It sounds like you're still trying to get support at reddit. I never go there. Poly people who do go there agree it's a rough, insular, group-think kind of place, with impossible definitions of and standards for poly.

@Magdlyn

I already deleted my reddit account and it's the last time I'm going on there. That place might be good for other communities and interests other than polyamory. Also it's not just the poly group on reddit, but other poly forums I went to in the past.

I'm just glad that other community and dating platforms are now inclusive of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

 

[Evie]

I look forward to the day that Facebook lets you list more than one partner. Right now, I think they'd get too much backlash.

 

[Bluebird]

The poly community on Reddit is ridiculous. I don’t go there either. At one point, someone pretended to be one of my partners to try and bad mouth me there! It was wild - especially since I didn’t see it since I never go there! When it was pointed out, it was clear to me that it wasn’t really my partner as some of the factual info posted was wrong. So yeah, I was even less likely to go there after that nonsense.