Struggling with monogamy/polyamory and jelousy

Tinwen

Active member
Hello,
please, I need some outside views on my situation, since I keep getting lost in it, and I am unable to really do anything about it.

I has been more then a year now, since I fell madly in love with a poly person. The beginning was very, very tough, since I had never come in touch with polyamory before (not that common in my country), so I fellt like I was doing wrong, and also I was in a monogamous relationship; so I tried to resist my longing for him and my urge to experiment with non-monogamy, but I failed, and after a lot of pain my primary relationship broke.

So I became a secondary (in terms of cohabitating and commitment, my partner never treats me as the second one) to a poly-mono couple. My metamour would rather be monogamous, but she is quite open, and at first she invited me to share intimacy with her husband (okay, they are not married, but that doesn't change much).
For me this arrangement was also fine in the moment, since I wanted to get more independent, try new things, and in short, I felt like I didn't want him home, since I felt he was great lover and dominate to me, but perhaps a little too difficult as a partner. (They both are, and their relationship varries from exeptionally great to terrible sometimes.)

The thing is, after a year our relationship got better and better, and if it was just for him, I would love to find a way to cohabitate and be partners, despite the challenges.

Simultaneously, the relationship with my metamour went worse, because actully we never find a way to talk about personal topics (leaving most of the processing on our shared partner), and as I got closer, we started to rival each other, to the point, that I don't know exactly how she is now, but I really do not feel like starting a conversation with her, in fact, after last week, not even getting close to her. I know this is to a very big extent my problem, since I have had communication issues with her from the beginning (like even trusting myself to speak - she is 15 years older and quite resolute), and also I am the one who stopped being happy with what they can offer.

Let asside that I don't know if my metamour could ever accept this, I would like to go deeper into that relationship, attempting to form a triad. That means sorting out that communication and jelousy problem, which has gotten big. Also I am not sure if I could live in the triade, since despite my initial enthusiasm it seems I am rather monogamish (we had some fun threesomes with my partner and my female friends, but I haven't been really able to search for another partner). Also, it would probably mean accepting their pre-set life direction (including a house in the country with a lot of work around, which is not my dream and I don't feel ready for this responsibility while I still struggle to get independent from my parents).

The other direction is leaving my partner. It sound logical, since I would like a primary partner and I don't seem able to find one while in a relationship like this. But it has given me so much in terms of love and intimacy, self-knowledge and acceptance, and general attitude towards life, and our connection in DS/intimacy/spirituality seems unique to me and still has potential for growth. I am not sure if I can ever find something like this again. Also, there is much emotional support of a kind hard to get elsewhere, and I am not sure how I could cope with a breakup (I had been very low previously).

So, while staying secondary, I feel trapped on a path leading nowhere, and both ways seem impossible. It is a matter of attitude. I tried hard to get mature and secure enough to deal with this, but not yet there. How to choose direction?
 

Tinwen

Active member
Okey, I get it. There is nothing to say.

(Also, I misused the word triade. I rather ment a friendly shared household.)
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
My metamour would rather be monogamous.....their relationship varries from exeptionally great to terrible sometimes.....the relationship with my metamour went worse, because actully we never find a way to talk about personal topics (leaving most of the processing on our shared partner), and as I got closer, we started to rival each other, to the point, that I don't know exactly how she is now, but I really do not feel like starting a conversation with her, in fact, after last week, not even getting close to her.

.....I would like to go deeper into that relationship, attempting to form a triad.

Whether you want a triad or a household......WHY???? :confused:
Believe people when they communicate to you - over and over and over.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Sometimes it can take a while to have a thread noticed. Thanks for bumping. I will respond now.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I hear you are confused. You wanted to experiment with dating a poly man, but now you feel you want to be his, co-primary, perhaps.

It is possible to be co-primaries with someone without living with the person and their other primary. Several women here are doing it.

If you don't get along great with your metamour, his gf, you shouldn't seriously consider moving in with them. Have they even invited you? She might feel you are invading her turf.

Could your bf spend more time at your place? Some people travel and spend 3 days with one partner, 3 days with another partner, and one day seeing friends or doing things on their own.

A triad is a relationship where all 3 partners are involved, usually sexually, but at least deeply emotionally. What you have going now is a V.

Have you tried OK Cupid dating site? It's very very easy there for a woman to find dates, even if she has another partner already. Men don't seem to care. I'd recommend joining, to either find another bf, or to find a mono man who wants a mono woman, if you're really not sure you want to continue with the current arrangement.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you are struggling with inner conflict.

despite my initial enthusiasm it seems I am rather monogamish

Sounds like you want to be with just him since you find you lean more toward mono. But he's poly. So there's you struggling to accept this.

The issue of wanting to live with him, but not the meta you do not get along with is a side issue to me. Because the basic incompatibility is the fact that you want him to yourself in a mono way, and he's poly. It's just not going to work out over the long run like that. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear. :(

So, while staying secondary, I feel trapped on a path leading nowhere, and both ways seem impossible. It is a matter of attitude. I tried hard to get mature and secure enough to deal with this, but not yet there. How to choose direction?

"Trapped" feelings mean the thing is not really working out. You experimented and found you lean toward mono. On top of that there is

  • You have found him difficult as a partner before
  • You don't get on with the meta
  • Being with them means accepting their life direction -- (a house in the country with a lot of work around, which is not my dream and I don't feel ready for this responsibility while I still struggle to get independent from my parents).
  • You are happy with what they can offer.

NOT a match then.

How to choose direction? You choose to work to accept it is not compatible here. You focus on what you DO want.

  • I want to get independent from my parents
  • I would like a primary partner. I don't seem able to find one while in a relationship like this.

Line up your behavior to support this want. The blue part you could solve fastest.

First would be lining up some support for yourself -- friends, family, a counselor. Since you are worried about feeling low again. Then breaking it off -- you top being secondary in a polyship when you really want a mono thing. Even if you are not "out" to your friends and family, they can understand being sad about breaking up with someone you were dating. Tell them only that much and ask for comfort.
Take time to heal from the break up. Then date again to seek the mono partner you would like to be with who is ALSO mono. Hopefully in time you will start to feel better in the romance area of your life.

In the meanwhile, finish studies, seek employment, new place to live, etc -- all the little steps to achieve being financially independent.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Tinwen

Active member
Thank you all for talking to me.

Whether you want a triad or a household......WHY???? :confused:
Believe people when they communicate to you - over and over and over.
I tried to find out lately, and there were some indications that it would be negotiable, but I didn't like the power dynamics involved in that communication. You are right, there is no reason, except for me wishing to be able to be close to him.

Could your bf spend more time at your place? Some people travel and spend 3 days with one partner, 3 days with another partner, and one day seeing friends or doing things on their own.
...
Have you tried OK Cupid dating site?
I think I don't want that possibility long term.

OK Cupid not that popular in Europe, but I tried another dating site, and I usualy backed out of the communication if it looked promising. I realize this was mostly due to uncertainty what to do with my current relationship, but it is part of the reason why I think having multiple partners is not for me.

Because the basic incompatibility is the fact that you want him to yourself in a mono way, and he's poly. It's just not going to work out over the long run like that. I'm sorry if that is hard to hear. :(
That's fine, I have been there many times. Not sure it is accurate, I love his openness to love and connection, one of my issues with "simply" finding a mono relationship is I love this side of him (and polyamory). It is my own urge to be very close I struggle with.

"Trapped" feelings mean the thing is not really working out... You choose to work to accept it is not compatible here. You focus on what you DO want...
In the meanwhile, finish studies, seek employment, new place to live, etc -- all the little steps to achieve being financially independent.
Galagirl
Yes, thank you.


I think I have nearly decided. I knew I would have to break up some day (though I had hope to embrace polyamory myself). The conflict last week and them being abroad now perhaps gives me the right impulse. Just writing yesterdays post helped immensely. I cried a part of the night and I think I might be able to do it when they come back, that is if we don't find a wonder way how to transform the relationship -
I wonder if it is necessary to break it up from everything to zero, if I could perhaps go back to a more casual one (but probably that is just me making false hopes). Also, I would love one last bdsm session with him, but I am not sure if this is a good idea (from the emotional viewpoint, I don't fear my safety). Any experience on not-so-sudden breakups?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You have to sit with it and do what is best for you. Only you can answer that.

I like my break ups to be "clean cut" and not "foot draggy."

So I wouldn't go for changing it to a friends with benefits thing. I would not ask for one more BDSm scene. One last kiss -- ok. But not more because I don't want to be lingering or generating confusion in myself.

Emotionally I need it to be "friends only" as soon as possible. So I am not tempted to slide back in to an arrangement that I know just isn't the fit for me.

To me feelings ensue after behavior. If I want to detach, doing "attached" kinds of behaviors is working at cross purposes. I rather be firm and resolute than be working against my own self.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Tinwen

Active member
Oh my god. He just called from abroad, we had a very short phone call. I cannot pretend, so enough for me to start crying, and cosequently enough to tell him vaguelly that things were not alright without a future outlook. He said yes, I agree, lets make some, and we said we would talk when he commes back.
It totally got me shaking, it hurts so much. There was so much tenderness even in those few words, when he was telling me that he wanted to hear of me and that they are comming back on monday. I am still in love.

What if it's just running away from obstacles. Not being able to commit, just as I couldn't in my monogamous relationship. The two/three of us cannot sit down and communicate clearly? Really? I don't want a their house because I am used to live in the city and I don't want to do the work? Really? Jelousy can be handled, we have done this for a year. Should these be dealbreakers to a relationship I wanted to work on? I might have just a many in a monogamous one, right?

Sorry for spaming you with emotional outbreaks, couldn't help writing. But II'l post it, maybe it's right, it was a little one-sided.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you are stressed.

FWIW, to me it is enough to be a deal breaker. If you are a city person, country living is too much of a change. That is not running away from obstacles. That is sticking to the lifestyle you do want.

Galagirl
 

Legion

New member
I understand this is very difficult for you and I think there's a lot of sound advice already. Here is another opinion:

There are no wrong decisions. Each one is just a different path. As I read about your situation and the following posts, I had several options pop into my head.

I. Stop defining this relationship. "Together" or "Break Up", these are words to describe a situation. Why mold your life to fit the words? Just live. Relax. Have another BDSM session if it is fulfilling. Have 10 or 100 more or 1,000. Take your time and breathe. Focus on all the aspects of your life, work, school, friends, exercise, play, learning and teaching.

II. You say you don't know if you can ever find this again. You won't. This is the only guy that is this specific guy. But there are literally millions of other people out there and they are all different, you won't find ANY of them again. But you can find some incredible connected situations, probability is that many of them have the potential to be even MORE intimate and wonderful than the one you are currently in.

These were just some thoughts and you can consider or act on them or disregard. From your description of the relationship with his other partner it sounds like moving in with them is a VERY bad idea. I would probably just continue because it sounds like you are very much in love and have a close connection. So you feel like it is going nowhere, but from what I gather you have nowhere else you are going at the moment anyway so why not waste some more time enjoying intimacy, growth and BDSM sessions until you have a really sure feeling that there is nothing more to offer you or you have another situation that appeals to you more? <-- I thought this was the basic monogamous philosophy, to be with the best partner you can find until you find a better one?
 

Tinwen

Active member
I. Stop defining this relationship. "Together" or "Break Up", these are words to describe a situation. Why mold your life to fit the words? Just live.
Thank you for your reply. Perhaps. I am thinking about how to do that. It is hard to find a different way of thinking.
I was trying not to worry about the future (which is hard) and just enjoy. And found out that the natural tendecy, for both of us, is "be together, get closer", which leads to stress if it cannot be fulfilled.
Also, Ds dynamics further interferes here, though I really enjoy it when we are together. It is hard to focus on doing the best for me (like searching for a partner or deciding without a bias about doing a phd abroad), disregarding that he wishes to have me close, while having a sense of being his. Not sure I can change this without blowing everything in the air (again, not being dom and sub goes against what we both wish from a relationship).

I thought this was the basic monogamous philosophy, to be with the best partner you can find until you find a better one?
It is not, at least I hope so :D Come on, though this is a very common situation, that is as disrespectful as comming across someone new and exciting in a poly situation, and just dumping your current partners. In the IDEAL monogamy you choose a partner and decide that you want to be with this person in "good and bad" and always search the way which is best for both of you together, alway looking for love, respect and common growth. Not that different from poly except for not accepting the risk and complications of seeing another person.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
It is hard to focus on doing the best for me (like searching for a partner or deciding without a bias about doing a phd abroad), disregarding that he wishes to have me close, while having a sense of being his.

Do you really want a relationship that does not do the best for you and denies the intellectual pursuits that call? BDSM or not, in a good relationship it is not "hard to focus on doing the best for me" because if anything but "the best for me" is going on, it is not a good relationship. Plenty of D/S oriented men would be encouraging you to pursue your PhD and I'm sure many of them live in the vicinity of that very school. You can pursue your educational dreams and enjoy a fulfilling relationship - it is up to you.
 
Last edited:

Tinwen

Active member
Do you really want a relationship that does not do the best for you and denies the intellectual pursuits that call? BDSM or not, in a good relationship it is not "hard to focus on doing the best for me" because if anything but "the best for me" is going on, it is not a good relationship. Plenty of D/S oriented men would be encouraging you to pursue your PhD and I'm sure many of them live in the vicinity of that very school. You can pursue your educational dreams and enjoy a fulfilling relationship - it is up to you.

Ok, it is a red flag, and probably the best reason not to "waste some more time". Please don't interpret this too harsh on people absent from the discussion ;) He was the first one to teach me how important it is to figure out what I want and put me first, and he keeps encouraging me in this way. Of course it is hard for him in areas where it goes against his own interest.
Hopefully I can tell, and hopefully he can take if I follow through now.

I must say I am astound by some of the answers I read here and also in other threads. I cannot name it exactly, but there are some differences in the standard ways of relating between people, and also the emphasis on personal independence and ambitions. I wonder if it is the poly-community, or the Europe/Amerika difference. I'll tell you if I know better...
 
Last edited:

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
... there are some differences in the standard ways of relating between people, and also the emphasis on personal independence and ambitions. I wonder if it is the poly-community, or the Europe/Amerika difference.

Probably both. The bedrock of the USA is steadfast allegiance to individual freedom and the pursuit of happiness. Add to that, poly folks are by nature not people that go along to get along, but forge their own paths through life. I suppose it's eternally debatable whether individual happiness is a good guidance system, but I'll say that for me, I wouldn't want it any other way and am thrilled to be living where I do, how I do and at this time in history.
 
Last edited:

Inyourendo

New member
I would not attempt to move into her home. I would ask that he move in with you have the time instead. My friend's husband spends 4 days one week with his wife and 3 days with his girlfriend them 3 days with wife and 4 days with girlfriend the following week.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I am happily married to two men.

I split my time 50/50 between separate homes I share with each man. This weekend I see Butch. Next week I will see Murf Monday Tuesday... Butch Wednesday Thursday... Friday until Sunday night Murf. Monday Tuesday Butch.. Wednesday Thursday Murf. Friday through Sunday Butch rinse and repeat.

You by no means have to share your space with her.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I am happily married to two men.

I split my time 50/50 between separate homes...

Encouraging to hear it works for someone.
But it sounds like quite a rigid schedule. Don't you want to see the one or another more at times? Aren't there a lot of events which tempt you to perhaps be at the other place? What if there is conflict with one of them? Do you always follow the schedule, because it gets "unfair" and triggers jealousy otherwise? How about friends?
And also, doesn't that feel like splitting yourself into two halves as well, two time-limited lives?
And the obligate, I assume you don't have kids, would they have a half time mother/father then?
A lot of personal questions, you don't need to answer, or perhaps if you already blogged about it somewhere I would like the link.
Thank you very much.
 

nycindie

Active member
Hi. Dagferi does happen to be a mother, actually, and she does have a blog - here: Holy crap... I have two husbands... when did that happen.

Regarding independence and autonomy in love relationships, I am not sure it's a poly thing or US vs. Europe thing. I think it reflects the age we're in, where we are realizing more every day that the well-being of each individual is the only way a person can flourish in a relationship. We are no longer putting the relationship, as if it is an entity itself, first before an individual's needs - as in staying together no matter what. Nobody has to tolerate crappy treatment. People, both men and women alike, can walk away from a partner for being abusive, or even just lackluster, and be okay - where only a few decades ago, that was a much more difficult and devastating thing to do. And I think it also has to do with feminism and being willing to smash apart the destructive rules of patriarchy. The husband is no longer the boss.

So, yeah, we can ask for the things we want in relationships and walk away when we aren't getting them. Make our own rules instead of playing by ancient ones that do not serve people living in modern times. Polyamory could be said to be an outgrowth of that.
 
Last edited:

Dagferi

Well-known member
Encouraging to hear it works for someone.
But it sounds like quite a rigid schedule. Don't you want to see the one or another more at times? Aren't there a lot of events which tempt you to perhaps be at the other place? What if there is conflict with one of them? Do you always follow the schedule, because it gets "unfair" and triggers jealousy otherwise? How about friends?
And also, doesn't that feel like splitting yourself into two halves as well, two time-limited lives?
And the obligate, I assume you don't have kids, would they have a half time mother/father then?
A lot of personal questions, you don't need to answer, or perhaps if you already blogged about it somewhere I would like the link.
Thank you very much.

The schedule works around Murf's work schedule mostly. He works 12 hour shifts with rotating days off. I am way beyond NRE with both men. When one gets on my nerves I go home to the other.

If someone is having a huge life event going on there is of course flexibility. This spring I went on a two week plus vacation to Vegas that included driving from Pennsylvania to Vegas with Murf.

There is no conflict between them ever. They only really see each other for Christmas Eve and kid events. Murf is really important to my children even though he is not their biological father. There is no jealousy what so ever they both act like grown ups and realize sometimes life happens.

I do not hide I am poly to anyone if they ask but I do not scream it from the rooftops. To my family, close friends, and the circle of friends I share with Butch I am out he hides nothing from no one. Murf's circle of friends I am known as his wife. There is no circle of friend overlap. If someone asks he brings up the poly thing if not he doesn't mention it. He is monogamous.

No why would it feel like I am living half a life. I am living a very full life. It is much easier being in each house a full day than trying to juggle both households in one day.

I have three children actually my oldest is 21. The two younger ones are 12 and 8. They go with me between the houses along with my Rottweiler (To give the other two dogs a break...lol) on weekends and holidays during the school year and more often in the summer. Sometimes they stay at home with Butch. God forbid a man actually step up and parent his own children. Men are just as capable as women. They enjoy their guy time with their dad without me around.
 
Top