Sudden Onset Polyamory....

OctoberPagan

New member
Hey all, we are relatively new to our journey here. I know it's new With NRE etc. and some of you will want to mentor the Newbies, offer unsolicited advice etc. but so far we are doing great. We won't hesitate to ask in areas where we feel we need help should the need arise. However our joining the website is first and foremost about community & sharing.... In any case, that being said, I'll get to my question. Did any of you here also find yourselves in a situation where all members of your Polycule met with no intention of being in a Poly relationship and but we're very happy to find yourselves in one after your initial meeting? Here's how it happened for me and my wife. We had been on Swingtowns for years as paying members, thinking that we wanted to Swing.....We had made a few connections that never panned be out...some looked to be promising in the near future previous to what I describe next. On a whim I decided to join a few Reddit Swinger subs, as did my wife. We met a couple of people where it seemed like we'd likely meet and play, then one morning there was a post by a couple that I jumped in responding to first thing....We arranged a dinner meeting after building a rapport through chat..The couple wasn't the typical type for either my wife or myself....Our dinner date went well...things progressed on to a Motel, where things unfolded with the most natural comfortable, jealousy free wonderful flow....The swinging community cautions about "catching the feels" well, this evening there was tenderness kissing etc. And we were all SO HAPPY to have met. Within a few nights both of our couples decided that we were going to go exclusive... (In chat I said "our couple" and went to clarify that I didn't want them to think I was trying to overstep and imply ownership) They immediately replied that they felt the same about us being "their couple". We all enthusiastically embraced this.We immediately got rid of all of our Swinger sites, apps and profiles. We relish every moment of every time my wife and I get to see my Girlfriend and Brother (He and I are both straight) and my wife's Girlfriend and Boyfriend) Both ladies are Bisexual and get twice the fun.We love each other and feel so much more support and love with the four of us as a unit. None of the four of us would have convinced in a Million years that we'd be in a Poly relationship before that meeting...We aren't second guessing it, as when I met my wife in 2005 it was love at first sight, she moved in two weeks later and we have been happy ever since. So I know, long story, but we never sought to be Poly...None of the four of us. Have any of you been equally caught off guard and overjoyed with the surprise?
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
My first poly experience was sudden onset. I was 22 and they were in their 40s. They weren't intending to be unicorn hunters, but as I was leaving an abusive relationship (with their help) I fell in love with him and then she decided it would be absolutely the right thing to do to invite me into her bed (their bed, but he was out of town on an extended work trip). And so, my already traumatised self thought this all this was "cool and normal" (Juice Media reference considering all this was going on in Australia) although not normal because we were awesome pioneers forging a way through for the three of us in totally unknown territory since the internet was still comparatively in its toddlerhood. So we were suddenly poly and we rocked it for maybe 6 weeks...until he decided he wanted to leave her for me. Well...fuck. That wasn't the plan. I'd since come to love her deeply, too, and I didn't want to break up their marriage and so I told him No. He didn't accept no, so I tried to force the no. It still didn't stick, and that lead to somewhere between 10 months and 25 years of heartbreak as we navigated life first with plans, and then without them, and then with very independent plans and he watched me grow up, get married, begin a career and then...he died at 60 of a stroke and she's an early widow.

I don't recommend becoming sudden onset accidently poly with zero information or support networks.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello OctoberPagan,

I met my two now-poly companions in 1995 or 1996. At the time, they became good friends to us (my wife and I), although platonic. Later, in 2005, the other wife and I developed a romantic attraction for each other. The first brick had been laid in the polyamorous building that would follow. At the time we had not even heard of polyamory, so it was certainly a surprise when we found out about it, and discovered that it was the solution to our dilemma. In 2006 a poly V was formed (my wife sadly had Alzheimer's at this point), and we have never looked back.

It has been a wonderful journey, this journey through poly. The three of us (my wife sadly passed away in 2013) are still going strong. Sudden onset polyamory can initially be hard and chaotic, but in the end it can be very worthwhile.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

OctoberPagan

New member
Hello OctoberPagan,

I met my two now-poly companions in 1995 or 1996. At the time, they became good friends to us (my wife and I), although platonic. Later, in 2005, the other wife and I developed a romantic attraction for each other. The first brick had been laid in the polyamorous building that would follow. At the time we had not even heard of polyamory, so it was certainly a surprise when we found out about it, and discovered that it was the solution to our dilemma. In 2006 a poly V was formed (my wife sadly had Alzheimer's at this point), and we have never looked back.

It has been a wonderful journey, this journey through poly. The three of us (my wife sadly passed away in 2013) are still going strong. Sudden onset polyamory can initially be hard and chaotic, but in the end it can be very worthwhile.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Thanks Kevin! Yeah, Phoenix and I never planned on being Poly, but after meeting in 2005 and marrying in 2007 and having 2 other ENM experiences decided that we really enjoyed them and wanted to have more as a shared exploration.We thought Swinging would be the best way to do this, while preserving what we have already. Our couple who we are now exclusive with were also of the same mind and we're on Reddit...Well, as my Brother man in our quad Polycule puts it. "We found the puzzle piece that we didn't know was missing" At the moment, for better or worse, we had not expected and will not deny that we are in love with this couple and that by comparison to our compersion Swinging has lost all appeal to the four of us.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sometimes people do transition from swing to poly, especially when two couples find each other, like what you've experienced. In my case, poly was our missing puzzle piece before we had even heard of poly. You're started on a wonderful poly journey! Who would have thought you could have found such a perfect match?
 

OctoberPagan

New member
Sometimes people do transition from swing to poly, especially when two couples find each other, like what you've experienced. In my case, poly was our missing puzzle piece before we had even heard of poly. You're started on a wonderful poly journey! Who would have thought you could have found such a perfect match?
Yes indeed, none of the four of us would have entertained the notion of a Poly relationship before that night. However, that's what happened. We didn't seek it, but it's the most natural thing on earth now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I see what you mean. Sometimes poly reaches out and grabs you!
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Hubby and I started out swinging together until I caught the feels for our friend/swing partner. Her husband not so subtly encouraged me to admit it to her, and we tried "dating" (it was really just more affection and alone time while the guys pursued other interests both together and separately). Even after I discovered the term polyamory and read up some... she was weird about it. Acted very interested and open, but ultimately believed that since I started as just a friend/Fwb that I should be fine forever being known as that. I wasn't interested in living my life in the closet so we "broke up" (I ended up moving out of state cutting off any attempt to go back to friendship).

So... not an entirely unusual entry to polyamory. Hopefully your transition goes better than mine did! Lol

I will say... my boyfriend and I were surprised to find ourselves very committed to being partners for life (ideally, we both recognize that while we plan to grow old together, shit happens). We'd been dating for years, though, so it wasn't really sudden. No one else was surprised. Either that kind of connection really can just sneak up on you or I'm just clueless. 😆
 
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