Survival guide for dating a mono

MonoVCPHG

New member
So you are thinking of dating a mono?

Here’s one person’s perspective on some basic tips to make an informed decision.

First ask yourself why would you do this in the first place. I mean Jeezuz, you’ve read the stories on here…now go smack yourself and find a Poly!…kidding, kidding.:rolleyes:

Are you hoping to convert the mono? Some people are conditioned to be monogamous and will welcome a different approach to relationships, others are hard wired for it and will generate more red tape then the government at tax time.

Have you fallen in love with them and are willing to take on a huge challenge? Seriously, snake charming and croc wrestling might seem easier after going down this road.

Are you open poly or the poly-fi sort of person? (this is a biggy, so be honest and up front right away)

What are your relationship goals? Looking to build a network of romances, wanting a long-term partner to share life with, just want to roll in the hay occasionally…that sort of thing. (Science has proven that a mono can in fact roll just as well as a poly given the right consistency of hay)

Next ask your potential mono partner a few basic questions.

What are their relationship goals. It doesn’t have to be their expectations until death, but at least realistic. This will protect both of you. Believe it or not, some mono people will prey on the loving nature of Poly people to achieve another sexual conquest…because it’s all about sex….KIDDING! These types would be great for a friend with benefits or one night stand but could hurt you deeply if you fall for them. On the flip side, if they are looking for an inevitable traditional marriage or family you don’t want to give false hope. Monos can be really whiny when you switch things up on them.

Have they had other substantial relationships before? Poly experience would be great but the essential experience of being with another mono is paramount. Otherwise they will probably suffer the “grass is greener” syndrome. Signs of this syndrome include saying “fuck this shit”, “what the fuck am I doing” and “I wish I was Cinderella”. (This last one even scares the shit out of monos!)

So, why is identifying what poly means to you important? Some people have found poly through the love of one additional person. The multiple nature of this relationship is specific to include an individual and not out of pursuing a “way of loving”. This is a much more stable and adaptive situation for a mono in my opinion. Yes, they will be sharing their partner with another or perhaps established others, but they have a sense of calm and stability that monos crave like a single scoop of vanilla icecream! :D
In an open relationship (Poly with a chance of more balls….there’s a book and movie out..ohhh wait now, that’s not the title..my bad) the constant thought of when and who will be entering your life, and therefore their life, will be a damaging drain on most monos.
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!

So there you have it…tips to date a mono in a nutshell…ok, maybe two nutshells. But not four or six or whatever other number of nutshells..just two.
 

redpepper

New member
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!

OMG this is so true! I love this line.

Dating a mono is like dating someone of a certain astrological sign that you aren't used to. If you are used to dating a Leo man, then swtiching it up and dating a Cancer man is a VERY different experience... one can be stern, possessive, likes to show you off around town and buy you expensive dinners and is quick to roar and the other is emotionally fluid, likes to cave in the house in his pj's and play on-line games and make up witty jokes. Very different.

Mono folks are lovable in their own right, but a whole other ball game... :rolleyes:
 

rolypoly

New member
Oh my god, Mono, you crack me up!! I actually laughed out loud. (Laughing out loud in a cabin all by yourself is very close to being crazy so I choose my jokes carefully). ;)

redpepper said:
Dating a mono is like dating someone of a certain astrological sign that you aren't used to. If you are used to dating a Leo man, then swtiching it up and dating a Cancer man is a VERY different experience... one can be stern, possessive, likes to show you off around town and buy you expensive dinners and is quick to roar and the other is emotionally fluid, likes to cave in the house in his pj's and play on-line games and make up witty jokes. Very different.

Mono folks are lovable in their own right, but a whole other ball game...

This is so true!!

I don't get how mono/poly folk are all that different?
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Oh my god, Mono, you crack me up!! I actually laughed out loud. (Laughing out loud in a cabin all by yourself is very close to being crazy so I choose my jokes carefully). ;)



This is so true!!

I don't get how mono/poly folk are all that different?

Ohh we are so very different in one very important way. A poly person's love is infinitely infinite for many where a mono person's love is infinitely infinite for one. That's my take anyways.

Glad I made you laugh like a crazy cabin woman :)
 

redpepper

New member
I don't get how mono/poly folk are all that different?

come to poly camp this weekend where the three of us will fill you in during the workshop we are doing... that and one on poly vees/triads.

anyone want to add any insight? We sure could use the help! We are trying to make it as light as possible I think, but send the message that it's serious business, if you know what I mean.
 

geminigirl

New member
This is really fantastic, Mono... really. For many of us who cannot relate well to a monogamous perspective, it helps to have it spelled out in a straightforward but caring way.

I particularly like how you focus on needs rather than assumptions. Many of us who are poly have had our hearts broken by trying to navigate relationships with monogamous folks (or had partners who have done this, which amounts to much the same thing) and by looking at the situation in terms of specific needs it becomes much easier to see where people can either meet.. or diverge.
 

Morningglory629

New member
So you are thinking of dating a mono?

Here’s one person’s perspective on some basic tips to make an informed decision.

First ask yourself why would you do this in the first place. I mean Jeezuz, you’ve read the stories on here…now go smack yourself and find a Poly!…kidding, kidding.:rolleyes:

Are you hoping to convert the mono? Some people are conditioned to be monogamous and will welcome a different approach to relationships, others are hard wired for it and will generate more red tape then the government at tax time.

Have you fallen in love with them and are willing to take on a huge challenge? Seriously, snake charming and croc wrestling might seem easier after going down this road.

Are you open poly or the poly-fi sort of person? (this is a biggy, so be honest and up front right away)

What are your relationship goals? Looking to build a network of romances, wanting a long-term partner to share life with, just want to roll in the hay occasionally…that sort of thing. (Science has proven that a mono can in fact roll just as well as a poly given the right consistency of hay)

Next ask your potential mono partner a few basic questions.

What are their relationship goals. It doesn’t have to be their expectations until death, but at least realistic. This will protect both of you. Believe it or not, some mono people will prey on the loving nature of Poly people to achieve another sexual conquest…because it’s all about sex….KIDDING! These types would be great for a friend with benefits or one night stand but could hurt you deeply if you fall for them. On the flip side, if they are looking for an inevitable traditional marriage or family you don’t want to give false hope. Monos can be really whiny when you switch things up on them.

Have they had other substantial relationships before? Poly experience would be great but the essential experience of being with another mono is paramount. Otherwise they will probably suffer the “grass is greener” syndrome. Signs of this syndrome include saying “fuck this shit”, “what the fuck am I doing” and “I wish I was Cinderella”. (This last one even scares the shit out of monos!)

So, why is identifying what poly means to you important? Some people have found poly through the love of one additional person. The multiple nature of this relationship is specific to include an individual and not out of pursuing a “way of loving”. This is a much more stable and adaptive situation for a mono in my opinion. Yes, they will be sharing their partner with another or perhaps established others, but they have a sense of calm and stability that monos crave like a single scoop of vanilla icecream! :D
In an open relationship (Poly with a chance of more balls….there’s a book and movie out..ohhh wait now, that’s not the title..my bad) the constant thought of when and who will be entering your life, and therefore their life, will be a damaging drain on most monos.
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!

So there you have it…tips to date a mono in a nutshell…ok, maybe two nutshells. But not four or six or whatever other number of nutshells..just two.

I seriously just laughed out loud for about 3 minutes reading and rereading this!!! :DAnd FYI my husband's Irish-English is definitely different than my American-English as is some Canadian-English--oot and aboot!LOL! Anyway Mono you need to write a book! I think just your blogs will do the trick, publish it man!:cool:
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Could you really handle a book with a cover on each side and a single page anyways?...thats a virtual threesome.

I'm in as long as the purpose of the covers is to take care of that one page. I just don't want the kind of threesome where I'm the page in the middle :D
 

catbird

New member
Are you open poly or the poly-fi sort of person? (this is a biggy, so be honest and up front right away)

What are your relationship goals?
Am I looking to date a mono at present? No. Definitely absolutely no. But monos are all I get. All you polys here? If you go to OKCupid.com they are mostly monos. You have to practically get one-on-one with the site founders to find what you want. All those sweet people at the website want what all of America wants: their one and only. One and somebody else they haven't been "conditioned" for.

Poly-fi? OK, who made that up? That's one of the more hilarious expressions that have come up this week. Good on you.

If one is looking for love it isn't easy to find someone who is like-minded. Ya gotta keep the faith, baby. There is someone out there who thinks the way you do. You have to be persistent, and keep hope.
 
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Ariakas

Bosun
Poly-fi? OK, who made that up? That's one of the more hilarious expressions that have come up this week. You guys just have thought about this stuff so much! Good on you.

Actually poly-fidelity arguably predates the term polyamory.
 

redpepper

New member
OH! I thought it stood for poly-fiction. :eek:

Why yes it could, but it actually means poly fidelity. A closed group of poly people in a tribe that are exclusive. Usually because they would prefer to be fluid bonded, have been tested and are good to go. They prefer to keep things small and intimate.
 

catbird

New member
Why yes it could, but it actually means poly fidelity. A closed group of poly people in a tribe that are exclusive. Usually because they would prefer to be fluid bonded, have been tested and are good to go. They prefer to keep things small and intimate.
Fluid bonded? You folks are genuinely great! I've never met any folks like you before, and I've met a lot of folks! redpepper, I wonder very much what you look like, ma'am, and also MonoVCPHG. I think both of you are wonderful, and also many others here too. This site just seems so easy and relaxed and loose and light. I wish I'd found you earlier in life.
 

redpepper

New member
Fluid bonded? You folks are genuinely great! I've never met any folks like you before, and I've met a lot of folks! redpepper, I wonder very much what you look like, ma'am, and also MonoVCPHG. I think both of you are wonderful, and also many others here too. This site just seems so easy and relaxed and loose and light. I wish I'd found you earlier in life.

Fluid bonded- No sexual protection, skin on skin.

And we are way to hot to show our faces! You would be bowled over by our hotness, can't have that! :D

Actually Mono has an extensive album on his profile. Maybe if you ask him he will friend you on here? :)
 

rolypoly

New member
come to poly camp this weekend where the three of us will fill you in during the workshop we are doing... that and one on poly vees/triads.

You mean, you Mono and Nerdist area giving a workshop this weekend? Ha, ha, I didn't know this was happening. I would love to hear more about this fundamental difference between monos and polys.

I'm not sure I cleanly or clearly fit into either. I've been monogamous my whole life up until 3 years ago and didn't think otherwise until it was introduced to me. Food for thought...

Redpepper, is this the poly camp that was organized by someone in the poly women's group? (Don't want to say her name here). Different from the one we're going to at the end of the month?
 
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