Swingers?

LoveBunny

Active member
What has been people's experiences within the "swingers'" community? Are they really all about casual sex/n.s.a, or do they just as often make the full leap to polyamory and form real relationships?

I ask because where I live has no polyamorous groups or get-togethers, but a thriving swingers' community. I'm a married woman, my husband doesn't date outside our marriage, so he wouldn't want to "swing" with me. I have a male fuckbuddy that probably would, but I wouldn't want any man except him to touch me. I'd be there to meet women.

What holds me back is that I'm not ultimately looking for casual sex, and at this time I'm not really interested in men. In your experience, is there much overlap between polyamory and swinging, or will I only meet women interested in n.s.a sex with me, and while their man watches?
 
I think it depends on location. Around here, there's a lot of overlap. Where I'm originally from, there's next to none.

I would recommend reaching out to someone(s) who host the swinger events to ask them what they think.

Most swingers I personally know are perfectly fine with FWB type situations, but as soon as the notion of romance enters the picture, they will cut off all ties.
 
Hi LoveBunny.

We started out as swingers, and had fun doing it for 17+ years. Eventually, the thing I was attracted to was my wife's interaction with her male partner, and was intrigued by the hotwife scenario, in which I was monogamous and she was free to find FB's, or FWB's at her discretion. She was attracted to man she worked with, and it stared as a FWB, but they fell in love.

As for swinging, we needed very little connection to be able to get in bed with them. We did make a few friends, but they fizzled over time with no regrets. Both being bi, it was a lot of fun, and I didn't feel like I needed any emotional ties to engage an night of fun. To my knowledge, none we knew went to poly as a result. However, another forum I read has introduced me to few who have made this transition, but most live in fear of evolving to poly.
 
Re (from LoveBunny):
"What has been people's experiences within the 'swingers'' community? Are they really all about casual sex/n.s.a., or do they just as often make the full leap to polyamory and form real relationships?"

I've met a lot of swingers who've either transitioned over to poly, or embraced both poly and swing (some long-term partners plus some other casual partners as well). But I have never been a swinger so I am not an expert on the subject of swing per se.

Re:
"In your experience, is there much overlap between polyamory and swinging, or will I only meet women interested in n.s.a. sex with me, and while their man watches?"

Oh I think there's a wide variety of swingers, and a wide variety of swing objectives. The only common denominator is that, "We won't fall in love." But hey if you do fall in love, that's what Polyamory.com is for. :)
 
What has been people's experiences within the "swingers'" community? Are they really all about casual sex/n.s.a, or do they just as often make the full leap to polyamory and form real relationships?
Of course swinger's clubs are all about casual sex. That's the whole point. But there are plenty of people in the "swinging community" that prefer relationships to one night stands. Also, in my experience, most people have difficulty being physically intimate without feelings developing. You'll probably find lots of people like you....who join lots of communities to expand the people they know who don't judge them for being poly/open/swingers/kink/whatever.

I ask because where I live has no polyamorous groups or get-togethers, but a thriving swingers' community. I'm a married woman, my husband doesn't date outside our marriage, so he wouldn't want to "swing" with me. I have a male fuckbuddy that probably would, but I wouldn't want any man except him to touch me. I'd be there to meet women.
Sounds good. If you don't want other men touching you, then tell them not to touch you. Swinging doesn't give you license to sexually harass/attack someone. You have the right to say no. And if you're there to meet women, then talk to the women there. What's stopping you?

What holds me back is that I'm not ultimately looking for casual sex, and at this time I'm not really interested in men. In your experience, is there much overlap between polyamory and swinging, or will I only meet women interested in n.s.a sex with me, and while their man watches?
Well, swinger's clubs ARE usually about casual encounters. But all you have to say is you aren't interested in that. Say you are looking to meet open-minded people; that's legitimate. Tell them you're poly. Lots of people don't know about poly...you may well find that some of the women there would love poly as an alternative to swinging. Don't try to force a relationship....let it start off casual and see where things go? And no one can tell you what kind of people you'll meet. Go and find out for yourself :)
 
There's a forum called swingers board that I found before this place. They may have some good swinging advice.
 
The way I have always separated it, and really why at times I call(ed) myself a swinger (I didn't like swinger clubs or parties for the record).

Swingers want to fuck first, then sometimes foster a relationship (closed swinging)..
Poly people generally want to love first and fuck later

I can relate to swingers better than I can poly at times. Since being poly to me was like being single. Which meant sex, then love. I needed that sexual connection first before I became in love. At least in 95% of my relationships since I was a kid.
 
I posed a similar question to a swingers forum one time. Mainly due to the lack of poly people in our area and to determine if there were poly friendly swingers who might be interested in dating. The first response from most was no poly emotional type connections, in fact all the men who responded said no way. I went on to further explain poly and some of the women said they were looking for a poly type relationship but one even went so far to say that the male half of their couple was strongly opposed to same, and even refused to discuss the possibility.

That closed mindedness convinced me that the swinging community was not really for us. We will still go to a swingers club for the open environment on occasions but we are Poly and like it that way.
 
I posed a similar question to a swingers forum one time. Mainly due to the lack of poly people in our area and to determine if there were poly friendly swingers who might be interested in dating. The first response from most was no poly emotional type connections, in fact all the men who responded said no way. I went on to further explain poly and some of the women said they were looking for a poly type relationship but one even went so far to say that the male half of their couple was strongly opposed to same, and even refused to discuss the possibility.

That closed mindedness convinced me that the swinging community was not really for us. We will still go to a swingers club for the open environment on occasions but we are Poly and like it that way.

It's not close-minded; it's their preference. But you'll never know if it can go from casual to more serious, unless you take the risk. Most people aren't going to just jump into poly....it can seem very scary.
 
The close mindedness I was referring to is the lack of an open discussion on the subject. The lack of an open mind and inability to discuss alternative views when raised is a clear distinction that I have noticed about the two groups. I tend to find more intellectual stimulation in any discussion I have with a poly person/persons than I do with Swingers. We still have a profile or two out there on swingers sites. I check them on occasions. We are very open about the fact that we are poly but would be interested in a FWB or more relationship developing from a swingers encounter. The bias against Poly and both being bi is so large here in the deep south that we hardly ever get an inquiry from those posts.

If we do, its a closeted bisexual man looking for a random hook up without telling his wife or girlfriend. with a lack of honesty being a huge issue for us it is always a non starter.
 
Thanks guys like many of you I'm turned off by the idea that it's all about the couple and everyone outside the couple is just sex. A friend of mine is going to introduce me to her coworker who is a swinger so I can get my questions answered about the local scene. Sex for sex's sake is definitely not on my wish list these days. I know myself well enough to know that if I like a woman, being her fuckbuddy won't satisfy me, and if I don't like her well enough to want more, I won't care to have sex with her.
 
Swingers and poly

My second wife was very much interested in swinging, but I generally objected since there usually was no emotional or romantic attachments. We did find a couple who we became friends with and developed at least emotional attachments to, so sex wasn't just sex for sex's sake, but rather rose to the level of almost love making. Eventually our friends chose to leave the swinging lifestyle, and concentrate on their relationship, just as we moved on to polygamy with the addition of other wives in our loving relationship.:)
 
Swingers want to fuck first, then sometimes foster a relationship (closed swinging)..
Poly people generally want to love first and fuck later

I can relate to swingers better than I can poly at times. Since being poly to me was like being single. Which meant sex, then love. I needed that sexual connection first before I became in love. At least in 95% of my relationships since I was a kid.

Ha, I'm like you, Ari. I don't usually fuck on a first date, but I will make out on a first date, for sure. Sex 2nd date. Love? I'm good with thinking they are cute/hot, smart and make me laugh and think, and seem reasonably sane ("not an ex murderer"). I probably won't kiss someone unless they check all those boxes.
 
I only have experience with the swingers locally, and have not met or heard of any who have any interest in a poly relationship. They are about the sex, and occasionally about friendship - but in the few cases where the sex ended, so did the friendship, regardless of what they may have said previously. So, it may well depend on the attitudes in the area where you live.

The closest I've come to anything significant was a two year FWB situation with a swinger "unicorn" - there was no romantic connection, but we have remained friends even though she stopped swinging and found a "vanilla" relationship.
 
I had a bad experience with swingers, left a bad taste in my mouth (figuratively) I also attended a karaoke party once and didn't like the scene at all. I felt completely skeved out
 
I had a bad experience with swingers, left a bad taste in my mouth (figuratively) I also attended a karaoke party once and didn't like the scene at all. I felt completely skeved out

Skeeved by karaoke? Or by swingers singing karoake?

(Karaoke does kinda skeeve me out. It's so weird!)

I've been hearing some swinger bloggers and podcasters talk about something called 'progressive swinging'. (Poly Weekly did a show with swingers who do progressive swinging for example.) Progressive swinging is rather fuzzy to me but it seems to be swinging open to the option of emotional attachments developing. I am not sure how this differs from poly exactly - they seem similar to having an open relationship that can seque into accepting loving connections developing with other partners. But at least in the blogosphere, things are bubbling over in swinger land.

Of course, there is the risk of selection bias as I am listening to poly podcasts and blogs, and not swinger media.
 
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