Talking it out


Well-known member
I think a blog here might be helpful. My thoughts get all jumbled in my head and writing them out is the only way to organize them. Some feedback now and then is awesome, too.

Right now... I'm kind of struggling.

The current cast - I'm married to an amazing man (H). He gets me in a way that no one else ever has. I have no doubt that he is my soul mate (or one of them). The only problem I feel like our relationship has is too much familiarity now and then. We slip into friend mode instead of being lovers. Not bad, necessarily, but it feels awful when I'm not feeling very attracted to him because I've let that "friend" mindset seep in. On occasion there are other struggles, but they are usually processed and gone within a short span of time without much heartache. He is not currently seeing anyone else.

For about 8 months or so, I was dating a guy (B). I really felt (feel? this is what I'm processing now...) that I could love him and be with him for a long time. For a variety of reasons -see post 2 in a bit - I just ended things with him. We're still in contact, however, and may or may not revisit a relationship at some point. B dates a few women but hasn't had a "relationship" (the daily contact kind that he and I both prefer) other than the one with me since the beginning of the year.

I also have a casual dating relationship with a woman (Z) that I really enjoy. We're non-sexual, lots of hand-holding and kissing, though. We see each other once or twice a month. My schedule is crazy and she doesn't drive, so it's hard to work it out more than that. She is in the process of establishing a more poly-fi setup, which may or may not affect whatever it is that we're doing.

Recently, I started seeing a new fella (D)... We've been talking for about 2-3 months, been out a couple of times, just had sex for the first time this week. He is semi-geographically undesirable, but it is doable. There will not be the potential to see him more than once a week for the foreseeable future. He has a primary partner that he lives with. They are fairly new to poly and still figuring out their boundaries.

I have a very close, also poly friend that I talk to. A lot. About everything. She (Y) is my only real confidant besides H. H jokes that we might as well be together, minus the sex. Possibly true, but neither of us is attracted to the other and while we really like each other as FRIENDS, it has never felt like more than that.

Now onto my current turmoil...
I ended things with B for a few reasons.

1 - I had no idea where I stood in his life. He'd go from saying he wanted me to approve of the people in his life to not telling me that he had a new person in his life in the span of a week. He'd ask for me to make time in my schedule on a day that I'm normally not available (vague, no date mentioned kind of thing). I'd pick a date that I could make happen, free it up, and then that would be the ONE time that month that he's not available on that day. Crap that just made me question whether or not he thought about me at all when I wasn't in his presence.

2 - I need company when I am emotionally upset. I don't necessarily need to talk or anything, I just need someone to hug me. He would consistently "give me space" until I felt better. Leaving me feeling abandoned. I talked to him about this multiple times and it never changed.

3 - The least important - We have very little in common. Besides having awesome sex and similar interests in entertainment, we have nothing to talk about. We don't have the same friends (or even friends that the other is interested in getting to know). We don't have similar jobs AT ALL. We have vastly different backgrounds.

He wants to try again in the future. I don't think it's possible because of reasons 1 & 2. I'm torn. I care about him so much. The good times were fantastic, but the bad times were heart-wrenching. Right now we're in this weird limbo where we talk a bit here and there, then just drop off because we reach an impasse about what it is we're doing/going to do.

It's frustrating, and I'm just lost.
How is it possible to be so sad and so utterly happy at the same time?

D is just great. He's so open about everything. He gets me to vent, then promptly says something wonderful about me and makes me feel like everything is right in the world. I'm both disappointed and grateful for the physical distance between us so I don't get sucked into the pattern of seeing him almost every day like I did with B. So - very happy here.

I'm done with B. I need to process and be done, and I can't do that always holding on to the notion that we may be able to get back together one day. It saddens me, because I really care for him, but I know that it's the right decision. I've known it for a while and have just been trying to convince myself otherwise. He has proven time and time again that I am not even close to being a priority. I'll get over it, but tonight I am alone and I am crying and all I want to do is get him to come over and hug me. Even if I asked (and had the right to ask), though, he'd probably have an excuse not to.

Just feeling torn. Vulnerable. Loving NRE on one while mourning a relationship that I thought could be love. Awkward!
Feeling happy.

I didn't realize how stressed I'd been until I just wasn't feeling stressed anymore.

H and I had the BEST weekend. Random household chores - check! Trip to my favorite relaxation spot - check! Crazy, kinky hotel sex that I'm pretty sure caused the funny looks from the people in the room next to us the next morning - check! I love that we will stay in a hotel a mile from our apartment sometimes just because we enjoy "getting away." :p

I'm going to see Y this week, and she's going to get me drunk and cuddle on the couch with me. :)

THEN I get to see D twice this week! His primary gf (Z) and I have some mutual friends who want us all to hang out. Apparently Z says she "really, really" likes me -based on the two very casual interactions we've had.

I've also been talking to a woman on OKC and we may get together this weekend. Hoping we can work something out.

I feel so lucky right now.
Time with Y was fantastic. We hung out, did the whole sleepover thing (stayed up late, got drunk, talked about boys, and played with each others' hair. :p), and then ran errands the next day. I absolutely love her kids, so I spent quite a bit of time helping them with homework/reading to the youngest while she escaped to get a little bit of work done.

My date with D tonight was nothing short of amazing. We teased, we talked, we fucked. He's so like me in many ways, yet in other ways we balance each other well. Hopefully that trend continues. I know we're both feeling the NRE right now, and we're trying to keep it under control. We did cross a boundary that I wasn't aware of tonight, I guess, so I am wanting to talk to Z to help clarify a few things. D is taking full responsibility since I wasn't aware but I feel bad for not having made sure we covered all boundaries/rules already. We're all supposed to hang out for a bit after the big friend gathering, so hopefully the four of us can make sure we're all on the same page.

I've never dated someone so new to poly, so I really don't want to assume anything in the future. :eek:
Z was completely understanding about the rule-breaking. She knew I wasn't aware and is still really excited about D and I dating (she is kind of the reason we started seeing each other, actually). So... Yay.

We hung out with mutual friends yesterday. Z, D, H, and I plus 4 others. D absolutely loved getting to be in physical contact with both of us at the same time (rubbing my leg while holding Z's hand... having his arm around Z while holding my hand... just having our legs touching under the table... things like that). H was in kind of a shitty mood, and D is super shy so they didn't talk as much as I'd hoped, but it was fun and they both walked away liking each other. I like Z, too, and I know she is a fan of me so it seems like we'll be able to work out any potential issues pretty easily between whatever parties need to be involved.

D and I are doing great... We both feel so comfortable with each other, which is apparently unusual for us both. I tend to have issues opening up to people, and with D it just comes so naturally. He tends to just feel awkward and shy all the time which prevents him from really connecting. Oddly enough, we've not had those issues with each other. :)

H is simply amazing as always. We had a really nice weekend just being, then spent today doing household chores together. It is amazing how connected we feel just doing simple tasks together. I can tell he is itching to have more of a social life again, but is struggling to balance work, school, and making sure we have both relaxing and productive times together. I've been trying to help where I can - suggesting good times for him to go out, making sure transportation is accessible, etc., but for the most part it's up to him to make work or not. Drives me nuts, but what can you do! :rolleyes:
H and I have barely seen each other this week. We've both been working weird hours (sadly, very little extra/overtime, just different), and it makes us both grumpy when we don't get some solid time together. We already made plans with friends both days this weekend, too, so we won't have much "us" time until next week. :(

D has been asking about my relationship with B. He was super supportive during the break up process and is now curious what actually went wrong. I actually kind of started the conversation by casually mentioned that I had kind of learned to like something that B used to do that I was previously not a fan of. The conversation has been going well, and I think it is a perfect example of what I learned from the relationship with B. I have to be open about everything from the get-go. No trying to hide my crazy or just pretend it isn't there. :rolleyes: It WILL come out eventually, and if I'm comfortable confronting it AND D's aware of its existence, it will go a heck of a lot better than if it feels out of the blue!

I'm physically exhausted and really sore. I could go for a nice back/shoulder massage right now. Too bad I'm broke and alone. haha
Still feeling super happy!

H and I have had some great, relaxing time together this week (finally!). Caught up on a little bit of housework that got neglected, and had some super great kinky sex time. It's rare that our moods align for anything kink-related, so I was super happy that it worked out.

D and I are doing well. We're trying to find time to see each other a tad more often, but it is proving difficult. Between the distance between us and having to consider 4+ people's schedules... :rolleyes: The time we do have is great, though. We still fill the hours with talking, cooking, eating, and sex, mostly. If we turn a movie or anything on, it tends to get ignored.
Been in kind of a funk today.

H asked me to stay home when I mentioned potentially grabbing lunch/spending an hour or two with D this afternoon. I agreed since H and I haven't had tons of time together lately.

Turns out H's idea of us spending time together was him sitting on the computer doing some stuff while I was in the other room reading because he couldn't get his stuff done with me sitting next to him. Since it was due today (a combo of work stuff and school stuff), I had to leave him alone so he could focus.

I felt lonely. Ignored. Resentful that I missed some time out of the house and some time with D for nothing.

We talked about it, and I know he didn't do it on purpose. He thought he would be able to work with me next to him so we could at least be touching or chat every once in a while or something. Now we know.

H is going to take off work early tonight so we can relax before bed tonight. Normally I am asleep by the time he gets home. That should be nice and will hopefully get rid of the last dredges of this weirdness. I get this way when my plans are thrown off in not a fun way.

D could tell something was wrong, too. I tried to explain it without making H seem like the bad guy. I think I did an alright job of it. D called on his way home from work lamenting the fact that he couldn't come see me tonight because of his plans with Z. Originally we were going to hang out tonight, but they got an opportunity to see some friends from high school, and I wasn't going to make him miss that since he hasn't seen them in years!

I hung up the phone with a smile on my face, though, and I've been getting stuff done around the house ever since. Makes me feel better to accomplish a few things. I'll definitely be back to normal after some actual quality time with H!
Y has started calling me her girlfriend. In a non-joking way. She introduces me as such to the people who knows she's poly, but just says friend to those who don't know (if it was consistent I would just think she meant really close female friends!). I've noticed more physical contact being included in our time together lately, and she has been asking me a lot of questions about how/why/when I knew I was bi. Not sure how I'm feeling about this potential shift in attitude towards our relationship, which has always been strictly platonic. We need to sit down and talk about it.

I had to cancel my normal date night with D this week. :( I was sick last week, and he came anyway. This week I felt even worse so I didn't even feel like pretending to be entertaining or cuddly or anything. He did stop by to give me some chicken soup he made, though, which I thought was incredibly sweet since I am so far out of his way home from work (he works closer to my place than his own, though). He has been so stinking amazing. I've never met anyone that I have clicked with so quickly, and it scares me beyond all belief. I'm afraid the L word is going to come up soon, and that terrifies me even more! It has NOT been long enough! Not even close to long enough.

H has been frustrated because I haven't been feeling that into him sexually. I have all this NRE with D that I've felt that drive wane with H. Not that I don't engage in and enjoy sex with H, I do, but it isn't the same "gotta have it now" intensity that I usually have. I can tell it bothers him, even though he is pretty understanding of the situation.

Work is stressing me the fuck out, too. Between the schedule getting messed with, idiotic coworkers, stupid new hires, and being sick... I was about ready to walk out and never go back at the end of the day.

Not a very upbeat post, which is actually sad. I'm feeling pretty happy with life, even though I do have a few things to address in the next week or so!
I managed to upset Z again and just found out about it today. Life has been really stressful for her lately in general, and I accidentally left some marks on D the last time he was over. Wasn't intentional, but I was vaguely aware of her preference to not see signs of our sex on his body (fair enough request, IMO) but apparently my nails were much sharper than I thought.

So, over a week later and she is still upset. I've been talking to her casually to see if maybe in the future issues like this won't be as big of a deal if we have communication between all of us. She doesn't seem upset with me or D, necessarily, just not pleased that it happened. Seems to have dredged up something that I'm not fully aware of.

H was frustrated with me, too. I wanted to have sex and he said maybe. I have told him when I hear maybe, I assume no then if it happens to be a yes I am pleasantly surprised. An hour later, he comes in the bedroom wanting to do it and I was asleep. Wasn't going to hold my breath waiting for him to have time to come spend with me so I did what I wanted to do. The end of the week is always kind of on edge here. Not getting to have real time for 5 days straight is difficult.

I'm looking forward to the next week. Going out and doing something fun with H this weekend (probably sushi and a movie! :) ). Seeing D twice next week (once one-on-one, once in a group but he said he wanted to pick me up and bring me home so that we have some time before and after just the two of us :D ). Working a little extra, but not too much and planning a big friendly outing for Halloween! Woohoo!
H and I have been reconnecting, and it has been lovely. After our little disagreement over how we communicate interest... Well, we've both been more careful and more attentive. Times like these make me remember why I (and pretty much everyone that knows us) believe that H and I will last a lifetime.

D cancelled on our second "date" (the group thing) this week. Apparently Z wasn't okay with it. She can see her boyfriend 2-3 times a week, but is only comfortable with D seeing me once a week for the time being. Not sure how I feel about that. I mean, in reality, it's not a huge deal. I didn't mind only seeing him once a week when we were accepting the fact that scheduling is a bitch. When he really pushed to make time, though... I got excited. If I had to assign blame, though, it would be on D since he didn't make sure Z was cool with a change in scheduling beforehand. As much as I personally don't believe in the "needing permission" thing, I know I check with H before making any new developments to make sure he is comfortable. D and Z just haven't found that groove yet so patience... Patience is not my strong suit and requires a lot of reminding myself to "take a deep breath and rationalize". :/

Oh, yeah... And the upset over the scratches... Totally justified. 2 weeks (ish) later and there's scars... They'll fade after a month or so, but still. Marks that last a month or so? Not okay, A, not okay...

I have a close friend that I dated for a while. He (L) and I won't talk for a month, then we'll see each other two days in a row or something silly like that. He has been pushing to have more of a relationship again. I'm not terribly comfortable with some of his sexual decisions, so I have no desire to be sexual. I love him (not terribly passionately, but companionably but more than a friend, I suppose), but... I just don't know how to tell him that even if we transition back to more romantic I don't want to be overly sexual. I'd be okay with mutual masturbation, and we still kiss/make out anyway... Even that kind of makes me nervous, though, and I have slowed that because there are a few people in his circle that have oral herpes. Bah, I just don't know.

A good friend of H's just dumped her boyfriend and girlfriend. They were a triad-ish. The gf and bf were move involved with each other, and she just felt disposable. She has also hit a rough patch with her other boyfriend. So, she is kind of going nuts in the "I need to meet someone new!" arena. She and I aren't that close, but she has talked to me a bit. My advice has to not do anything rash... I'm afraid she hasn't been listening. :eek:
I had a date this afternoon! I went out with this guy, G, for a couple of months last year. We never were "in a relationship" or anything, but we talked often and went out almost weekly for a while. Then he was going through stuff, I was borderline depressed and it just kind of tapered off. We stayed in contact off and on, though, and yesterday he asked me to get coffee.

It was really nice. We talked, we laughed, we sat in companionable silence. We talked about a local show that we've both been meaning to see and agreed to go together in the next couple of weeks, if possible.

H and D are both kind of... uncomfortable... with the idea of G. H met him a few times last year. Never had anything against him, really, but didn't like the age gap (G is quite a bit older than I am). D has never met him, knows very little about him, but feels like it's strange that I'd be interested in someone that much older and says he would not feel okay at all about Z dating someone that age. Which makes me wonder if he's trying to say he feels iffy about me doing so, and just doesn't want to overstep. Not my job to read into it, I guess. If D has a problem, he should just tell me. H is fine with me seeing G but has no interest in getting to know him at all, so I know that will limit how much we see each other since my time is rather limited already.

Who knows... I hate to let their opinions affect whether or not I get involved with this really sweet, fun man... But at the same time.. If I knowingly go out with someone who makes everyone else feel weird, am I really making the right decision? Gotta think on this one a bit.
D told me he loves me. He was shy and adorable, and it made me really happy, while I was simultaneously worrying about how quickly he came to feeling/saying it. He knows I'm not prepared to say it back and is okay with that.

I contacted B today. Someone contacted me and said a few things that I felt he needed to know about. We had a short little conversation, and it was fine. I didn't feel upset/anxious or weird or anything. When he asked if he could text me now and then, I said yes.

H and I are planning on picking apples tomorrow. I always make apple pies for people at Thanksgiving-time, like to make apple sauce, and all kinds of goodies, so we always pick a bunch. It'll be fun. It's supposed to be gorgeous outside. The leaves are beautiful and starting to fall . I'm excited to get to spend a wonderful day with my wonderful hubby!
I need to work on my issues. D is amazing. He can tell by my tone in text when I'm feeling off. He knows when something is going to upset me and tries to do damage control. He knows me amazingly well for only having known me for a few months. And I honestly believe he loves me.

Yet... I still feel replaceable. I feel like he could be just as happy with someone else. Someone that Z feels more comfortable with. Someone that lives closer to him. Someone that doesn't need as much reassurance.

It's time for me to learn to trust that some people, other than H, can be good people. Can care about me like they say. Can manage to last.

Unrelated note... I slept with B. :/ H disapproves kind of, but okayed it in general. He's afraid it will bring back emotions for either me or B. I don't see it happening for me. I went through hell breaking up with B, and I have no intention whatsoever to try a real relationship again. D's opinion is... Do whatever will make me feel good. He said he'd be there to help me through it if I get hurt (again), but thinks that as long as I stay aware of my feelings (and B's) it could work.

Right now, we're 100% friends with benefits. Odd that just a week ago, I wasn't speaking to him at all... Once we started talking, though... The sex is REALLY good - always has been. It was inevitable. As long as we keep it just sex, I'm excited! If it gets messy, I'll just have to walk away entirely again.
Z is killing me. EVERY time D and I have an evening together, she has a bad day. I try to think it isn't related. That the day of the week we have going right now is just a stressful one for her. It works sometimes.

B got all awkward when I wasn't able to talk to him because I was on a date with D. Not sure what that means to our agreement to have NSA sex. :/

H still doesn't approve (although when I ask him if he wants me to never do it again because sex - even really good sex - isn't worth him being upset, he says he hasn't decided yet); he's been super needy lately, too. I think D's ability to read me and my feelings so easily when most people are baffled by me really gets to him. He's always been the ONLY one to understand how I work, and having someone who's only been around a few months be able to do that, too... I think it's an adjustment.
So... D and H may have been right. I loved B. It was hard for me to have him back in my life never having told him that. So I did. Last night. With some incentive from alcohol. It was oddly cathartic, and I now feel like I'm able to move on. Just in time, because as patient as D is, I don't know how long he'd want to be in love with/in a relationship with someone who was still hung up on someone else. And it was blocking my ability to really fall in (something other than lust) with B.

I was supposed to be with B the other day, but Z posted something online (gotta love social media!) and I knew he needed to be with her. They had agreed he wouldn't cancel with me, but he was relieved when I insisted. It kind of upset me that he didn't just tell me anyway, but I know he didn't want to disappoint me. Luckily, we were able to squeeze in a couple of hours together today, so it worked out well enough!

I still get a little teary-eyed when he says he loves me. Hopefully I will feel sure enough to say it back soon.

Y has been crazy supportive about everything. She even told me she loves me, which is a big deal for her. :) We are in this weird balance between really caring for one another, yet feeling almost entirely platonic, yet having a certain level of desire for physical contact. I'm still wary of pursuing it at all. The status quo seems safer. Still kinda iffy there.

H is... well, he's amazing. My libido has been seesawing, which drives him nuts. I was finally able to communicate a few things that he can do to balance what he is craving (more dominant/sadistic things) with what I can handle as a dominant-leaning, sadomasochist. It has worked well so far. Hopefully it keeps up!
Z has been super friendly with me the last few days. Apparently showing that I really do understand and accept and expect D to put their relationship first made her feel a little bit better about him loving someone else. She'd been feeling insecure in unfamiliar territory, but it seems we may be getting through it. I still want to get the four of us (me, D, Z, and H) together again so we can all get to know one another better. We've only all been together a few times since D and I started dating, and it's something D and I both enjoyed a lot.

Y has been on a few dates with a new guy and isn't feeling into him. She likes him well enough, but feels no sparks. Half of me wants to tell her to just let it go while the other half thinks it may be good for her to just enjoy being pursued for a while. It feels wrong to encourage her to potentially give him the wrong idea, though.

Life is good, overall. Silly worries about disappointing people. I should stop that. :eek:
I have been in an awful mood for a week! I think it has finally lifted, however.

B and I got together again. We went to a place we thought we'd be able to have some semi-public, scandalous fun times and it ended up being a lot busier than expected. Still enjoyed it, and afterward he came over. Post-sex is interesting... We just sprawl out and chat and such. Minimal contact, really, other than playful bites, tickles, or whatever that come up. That's the one area where neither of us has seemed to be tempted at all to revert to old patterns (we used to cuddle after sex). So, that's good, at least!

D is still worried about me having any kind of relationship with B. Because he thinks B is an awful person, and he thinks I'll get hurt, and he thinks I haven't had time to move past the emotional part.

H has similar worries, but his desire for me to get out of the house/spend time with people more overwhelms the fear. He also trusts me when I say I believe I am okay with it. I just needed to get the confession out of the way so I could move on.
Everything felt like it went to hell in a hand basket, but I am working my way through it.

H and I are good. Minus the differences in sex drive which I have been actively working on. We've been dieting and exercising and are both feeling much better.

B and I are talking quite a bit and plan to hook up again sometime soon. It's been easier lately to be friends without past expectations/habits getting in the way, which has been super nice. He and H apparently talked to the other day about going fishing, too, so maybe a normal friendship (with occasional -or not so occasional) sex can exist.

D is still concerned about me talking/being involved with B in any capacity. I haven't mentioned that H talked to him, too. I probably should or he'll feel even worse in the long run. He has also been having some issues at home, and I have said a few things about my needs/relationship abilities that could potentially end the relationship. We will see how he and Z react to them and whether or not anything can be salvaged.

Y is also having relationship issues, so she and I are hanging out with a group tomorrow. Hopefully I can get her to drink and have fun and be silly with me. Then Saturday H and I are going to go to her place and hang out and watch movies. Cuddle up on the couch with some wine, maybe. Or if the kiddos are around, hot cocoa. :) She has been an amazing support. Encouraging me to stand up for my long term needs instead of giving into my desire to appease and prolong a potentially painful situation. Hopefully I can be as helpful to her as she has been to me.

If things don't work out with D... I think I might just back away from poly altogether for a while. Still attend some events to see friends, but not try for another relationship. Winter isn't usually a good time to add any more stress than necessary...