Taming Your Mammoth

Spork

Spork

Active member
This article has nothing to do with polyamory specifically. I am sharing it here because part of being successfully polyamorous...in fact, part of being successful at anything PERIOD, especially relationships, is being ~self aware~.

What does that even mean?

It's a challenge. Well, in talks with one of our other posters here, I have run up against something I've encountered with others, and occasionally in myself. Pinning all of your identity and self-worth on a relationship, on the opinion and love and acceptance and validation of another person, to the point where losing them shakes the very foundations of your reality and can even threaten your desire to continue living. See, this has nothing to do with that other person. It's got EVERYTHING to do with you, the person who cannot live without so-and-so. You are listening to your mammoth.

Anyhow, it's a great read:

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html

Me: "I can be anyone! Anyone who would please you! Want me to wear a dress? I can wear a dress! Please, please tell me who to be for you..."
Disastrous fling guy: "I...actually...I'm kinda losing interest. I have a thing. To do. I'm uh...busy...watching the Republican Debate with my cats tonight. Sorry!"
Me: "I'M WORTHLESS TO THE PEOPLE I WANT TO LOVE ME AND I'LL NEVER BE HAPPY AND EVERYTHING SUCKS NOW."

Stupid mammoth is stupid.
 
I know this is an old post, but I really liked that article!
 
Great Article

That resonates a lot. I see a lot of my younger very insecure self in the characteristics described. As the article says, you never fully banish the mammoth, I still have to work to keep him under control.
 
Just read the article myself. A good how-to on how not to be controlled by what other people think. Thanks for sharing it.
 
I get limerent (get crushes) for people really easy and it is something I have to look out for. I like it, it makes me happy, it makes me easy to live with, my family likes it. Trouble is I can suspend myself there for a really long time (months) and not take effective action.

I'd believed for a long time that it was absolutely impossible to meet anybody at the gym but I was doing shapeshifting exercises to develop my charm and made eye contact that I thought was really electric and then the next day I thought that person was singing and invading my personal space. Maybe it was in my head but boy I was affected. Next time I went to the gym I asked her name and got shot down, got reported, had a friendly talk with the staff and decided it was impossible after all to make a pass at the gym.

Maybe over time I could have drawn her out, flirted with her for an extended time, and gotten her to talk to me, but I felt urgency to act because I was afraid of the limerence and just didn't want to be infatuated with this person for too long and have that distract from having a realistic plan for dating.

My take is I tamed the butterflies in my stomach, got over the fear of approaching, and found where the boundaries are.
 
That was a good one. I have been working on my authentic voice and releasing attachments for a number of years now, and yes it’s true, I DO enjoy being weird and killing predictable conversations.
 
Fantastic read. Im currently on a journey is finding myself and exploring a poly marriage with a nested partner. Im hoping know my authentic self with help me navigate things easier. Thanks for the post.
 
Thank you for posting that. I used to be a serious people pleaser. Now I'm just a part time people pleaser. Meaning I'm getting better.
 
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