Texas Tordano

necrodefy

New member
Texas Tornado

Matt, 23, male, straight, TX

I've often considered that I could be polyamorous, but I had a hard enough time just getting one girlfriend that I wouldn't have to worry about it. In April I started seeing Girl A and we are very serious now. We often talk about the future and how being together forever is something we both want. We worked together, but since August she has gone back to school in NY and since then we have maintained an open relationship. It's the first time I've been with girl who utilized the open status, and we talk pretty much every day. So when she told me the first time she slept with someone it bothered me a bit. I was mostly jealous not because of the other guy, but that she's much more "outgoing" than I am and I honestly didn't think I would make use of our open status the way she could. I had mentioned to her my thoughts of being polyamorous and she wasn't thrilled with the idea. A big thing between us though is to let the other be who they are, so she respects that.

Last week I sent a drunk message to Girl B (who me and Girl A both worked with) who I used to have a crush on. Basically I told her that I was in an open ldr and wanted an affectionate friendship. We started hanging out Sunday, but since then we've really quickly developed feelings for each other. Last night we talked for hours about our growing feelings. I said since I'm never gonna leave Girl A and won't jeopardize that relationship, that the only way we could be together is if Girl A would be willing to let me have a polyamorous relationship. Girl B was a big fan of the idea. Girl A was not when I talked to her later last night, but said we could have a poly relationship. Today Girl A and I texted back and forth with reassurances that we're not leaving each other no matter what, which was really great. And I officially asked out Girl B.

Girl B doesn't want to be second choice, and I don't want her to be either. I want these two girls to be equal, assuming things keep going well with Girl B. However, Girl A is having a hard time with the idea. She doesn't feel special anymore now that I've seriously brought it up and she says she's sorry she's not enough for me, and it kills me that I've made her feel that way :( Girl B and I was hoping that since we all worked together then they might at least be friendly, but Girl A doesn't want to hear anything about Girl B. And of course Girl A is jealous that Girl B gets to be with me while she's gone for school.

It seems like no matter what I do I'm making someone feel like shit. Anyone have any advice for me?
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Matt,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm confused by Girl A's negative reaction to polyamory. After all, she slept with someone when she was in New York, didn't she? Is the problem that she expected one-night-stands, not ongoing dating that resulted in feelings and commitments and co-primary status?

I think you and Girl A need to have a long heart-to-heart about what kind of non-monogamy each of you wants to practice. It may be that you have incompatible relationship styles and objectives. There are many kinds of non-monogamy. Some involve falling in love, others avoid falling in love like the plague. Causes too much insecurity in the "original couple."

Polyamorists believe you can be in love with two people and love both of them just as much, but in different ways and for different reasons. So it's not about one person not being "enough." It's about the other person bringing different things to the table, and the first person is just as unique. No one is replaceable here.

One way or another, you and Girl A need to increase/improve the communication between each other so that you can get at the root of what's bothering Girl A. I would do a search (or better a tag search) for "communication" and see what kinds of threads come up. See what you can learn.

I suppose it always hurts when your romantic expectations are foiled. I don't know what Girl A expected romance-wise, but I do know that whatever she expected, things are turning out different, and it is causing her to hurt inside. I don't see this as your fault, you didn't realize this would be so hard on her.

You need more information and a better understanding about what makes Girl A tick. I unfortunately can't promise you that you and Girl A will still be partnered when all the dust settles. But the communication is important, and must take place sooner or later.

I hope you will keep us posted on how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

necrodefy

New member
Communication

Thank you for the input. Like I said, we do talk pretty much every day. I actually just finished that heart to heart conversation. Basically I would consider myself a polyamorist because I do believe in and have the capacity to love more than one individual. You described it perfectly when you said each person is unique and brings something different to the table and no one is expendable. Girl A does not possess such a capacity unfortunately. She's more of a one night stand / friends with benefits kind of person. The interesting thing is that she still prefers to get to know a person on a friendly basis before sleeping with them. I myself have never been sexual with anyone who I wasn't in a relationship with, or it turned into a relationship later on. So, the experience of sleeping with someone for the sport of it is alien to me. I still haven't determined if that's just the way I am or lack of opportunity to act upon. It also probably explains why I feel weird when she tells me she's slept with someone. We started the open status because of the distance, but I'd considered leaving it open once we were back together mostly for her sake. We'd also talked about bringing other girls into the bedroom for fun.

Girl A says she "gets" the polyamorous thing, but feels like the more I love someone else the less I'll love her. She knows that's not the case, but that's how she feels. It doesn't help either that we had both left partners we weren't happy with to be together, so there's a subtle fear in her that I'm going to fall more in love with someone else and leave her. The difference is that neither one of us could conceive someone we'd be happier with. We've reassured each other that we're gonna stay together no matter what, and I figure that will continue until it REALLY sinks in to her. She says she wants to be okay with it and may learn to deal with it in time, but that it's just gonna hurt for now.
 

necrodefy

New member
I haven't done much reading on the forums yet as I just started my first poly relationship TODAY. Is it at least somewhat common for monogamous individuals to keep a healthy relationship with an actively polyamorous partner?

I also apologize immensely for the spelling blunder in the title of my thread. Can I edit it to fix it?
 

Nadya

Member
Hi, and welcome to the forum! Take a good look around and you will find a lot of information.

Your communication with Girl A sounds good to me. Not fun that she is hurting right now, but if you keep the communication lines open and also keep reassuring her about your love and commitment, it most likely will get better with time. I have gone through a similar kind of process with my husband when our relationship turned from "open" to "poly". He is fine with things now, and actually in friendly terms with my OSO.

And yes, it is quite common to have mono/poly relationships. Try a tag search, and you'll find plenty of threads about it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re: thread title ... heh, I just noticed the misspelling myself, my mind automatically corrected the spelling without realizing it when I looked at the word. Try the Moderators and administrators page and contact one of them, maybe they can make the correction for you.

Sounds like Girl A is onboard with polyamory intellectually but not emotionally. Standard thinking is that romantic love is like a pie. If you give a piece to one lover, that means there's one piece less remaining for another lover. The truth is that romantic love (like love in general) is an infinite resource. Giving one piece of the pie away does not reduce the overall size of the pie remaining at all. If anything, loving an additional person actually increases the total supply of your love. So standard monogamy is based on "scarcity thinking" when it comes to romantic love. Polyamory is based on "abundance thinking."

Having said that, love is an infinite resource but time is a finite resource (at least it is for us mortals). So it's true that if you develop a relationship with Girl B, Girl A will have to sacrifice some of the time she might have spent with you. But that doesn't mean you love either woman less.

I think sex always requires a certain amount of trust. Even swingers go into a swinger's club with a certain expectation that they can trust the other members of the club, to be honest, to use safe sex practices, and to act with respect and consideration. In that sense, it's not too big a mystery that Girl A wants a basic friendship to precede any sexual relations. After all, it's not like she'd just sleep with anyone from off the street.

Polyamory is just involved to a much deeper extent. The concept is the same: Trust first, sex later. However, polyamorists take the trust part much further. They don't just want the basics from their sexual partners, they want a deep emotional connection and probably a considerable helping of commitment as well. So you and Girl A aren't "different in principle," you just have differing levels in how far you need a relationship to go before it becomes sexual.

The advantage with "lighter non-monogamy" (such as swinging) is there's less heartbreak if you have to disconnect with someone. You just say, "Well, we had a good time together, farewell and best wishes." Deeper involvement with someone means you need them in your life; you can't part with them without the pain of heartbreak. It also means you need to spend more time with them, so again this begins to affect your other relationships.

Finally, polyamory poses more emotional challenges for "the original partner" (such as Girl A). If you and Girl B were just hooking up for casual sex, Girl A could say, "Well, they don't care that much about each other, so I know I'm the one Matt will want to come home to." But if you love Girl B as much as Girl A, then Girl A has to take a leap of faith. She'll have to hope you still want to come home to her, even with another woman who you love equally. Can a man want to come home to both women? A polyamorous woman has to be able to believe that.

Re:
"Is it at least somewhat common for monogamous individuals to keep a healthy relationship with an actively polyamorous partner?"

Yes, there are a number of monogamous/polyamorous couples out there who have found a way to make it work. Communication and consideration are the common denominators.

A caution should be added with respect to NRE (New Relationship Energy). When first getting to know someone, there is a "honeymoon phase" that can make one accidentally forget the needs of one's original partner. NRE is a wonderful part of life and best experienced joyfully, but it is also an addictive drug and can impair one's judgment. So, anytime you get into a new relationship, and feel that NRE imbuing the world with light and color, exercise some caution and make sure your original partner receives plenty of attention and reassurance from you. Put yourself in their shoes; they might be afraid that they're losing you, and they're not enjoying all the wonderful benefits of NRE.

If anything, you should try to tap into that NRE to extract some "RRE" (Renewed Relationship Energy) for your original partner. Make it possible for them to enjoy some of the benefits of your NRE by sharing even more love and passion with them than you normally would.

Don't know how much of this applies to your situation. Could be that you and Girl B are caught up in the throes of NRE and you never know how that could be affecting your relationship with Girl A. But more importantly, it's just a good concept to keep in mind for all of your polyamorous experiences. Communication, honesty, consent, and NRE are probably the four biggest factors that will determine whether a polyamorous (or mono-poly) arrangement can work.

Your relationship with Girl A actually sounds to me like a poly/FWB relationship. You tend toward polyamorous involvements; she tends towards "friends with benefits." Doesn't change the basic concepts as described above; anytime any/either partner is polyamorous, communication, honesty, consent, and NRE are always going to be big parts of the equation.
 

necrodefy

New member
#thestruggleisreal

So yesterday Girl B sent a friendly email to Girl A to reassure her that she doesn't want come between us and would like to be friends if at all possible. Girl A replied very positively, accepting the request to be friends. Girl A also sent me a couple of long emails, one a couple nights ago and one last night that I just finished replying to. Mostly just letting me know everything she's feeling, so I replied likewise.

Girl A is hurting because she wanted to be my one and only, which I get. She said she'll never be "okay with" me having feelings for anyone but her, and it's making her miserable now, but she'll do anything to make me happy and she's never gonna give me up. I feel like the scum of the earth for being the cause of so much pain for her though. I did some searches and a lot of reading on the forums looking for something to help, and so far I haven't been able to find much to help. The most helpful things have been in your posts on this thread, some things which I've copied and pasted in my reply email to her. Like the pie example, that was great. Thanks for devoting so much time and energy into my problems by the way, it's helping a lot! Sometimes it's just good to get a stranger's perception of my issues.

I did discover the word polyflexible, which may or may not be me. I think if there were ever someone I could be completely satisfied in a lifelong monogamous relationship with, it'd be Girl A. That being said, how do I explain that to her then explain that I still have feelings for someone else? I think ultimately, as far as my own happiness is concerned, I would much rather be in a poly relationship. I just feel like I have so much love to give and my favorite thing about this world is the variety of things in it. Like in your first post you said that each person brings something different and no one is replaceable. I love that phenomenon! I'd like to be in love with different people and their different traits and personalities the same way I love all of my completely different styles of music and other forms of art. The thought of it makes me giddy :-D

I think the NRE hasn't been an issue for Girl A because of the distance. I still communicate with her every day and intend to continue that. I've only been able to spend an hour with Girl B since my last post, and I felt that NRE when I looked at her and it was the only thing that's been able to make me not feel like shit. Which was great. It's hard to feel RRE for Girl A cause I only get to see her on a computer screen and when I do she's not her normal self because of this issue looming over her. Hopefully I'll be able to find a way to soon though.

Girl A isn't the type to fall in love easily either. Or to even like people for that matter. It's a monumental accomplishment for her that she's been able to fall in love with me so much. It's inconceivable that she could have feelings for someone else too. I am by no means ever going to try to convert her to be poly (but she's always welcome to of course). She also swings between seeming like she might eventually be okay with me being poly and that she'll never be. Usually the more negative feelings come out when she's drunk. And she kind of deals with her emotions by drinking. And she's kind of an alcoholic. So yeah... there's that.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Welcome to the boards.

Thing is, if you're going to stay together "forever" with Girl A, you'll need to learn to accept each other as you are. You feel you can love 2 or more. She falls in love rarely. So, on paper, you get to practice polyamory, she gets to be monoamorous and polysexual. Voila! Problem solved.

Now, how to handle emotions on both sides around this? She'll need proof that you can not just love two, but satisfactorily nurture both relationships. You need to find out specifically from Girl A what, short of expecting you to stop being polyamorous, she needs to feel more comfortable with your nature while she is gone. You've got regular Skype date nights? You could both even get dressed up and light candles and eat dinner at each endof the conversation to make things more romantic.

It's not easy being in a love relationship and rarely seeing your original partner, while you can see Girl B just about anytime. Does Girl A want you to limit dates with Girl B for a while as she gets used to this love idea? Even if you were living together, she might have wanted this. Lots of couples are exceedingly careful, to take things gradually during early months and years of the learning curve.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from necrodefy):
"Girl A is hurting because she wanted to be my one and only, which I get. She said she'll never be 'okay with' me having feelings for anyone but her, and it's making her miserable now, but she'll do anything to make me happy and she's never gonna give me up. I feel like the scum of the earth for being the cause of so much pain for her though."

There's a difference between feeling sympathy/compassion for Girl A in her sufferings, and between feeling guilty for her sufferings because you suppose you're the cause of them. Neither you nor Girl A chose the kind of romantic tendencies you'd have in life. If anything, those tendencies are genetic, and none of us chose our DNA when we were in the womb. Sure, you could act like you're monogamous (or a one-night-stand type of guy) to ease Girl A's misery, but that would only lead to you feeling miserable because you were stifling who you are (and want to be). Then she'd have to be the one who felt guilty because she was "making you suffer." The truth is, neither of you are at fault. You just have a challenging difference in your personalities.

One challenge Girl A may be facing, in addition to genetic programming, is social programming. We have a very big thing in our world about "Disney marriages," that is, a prince and princess who are perfect for each other and live happily ever after. It is very romantic to say, "Only you could be right for me," and it's hard for just about anyone to let go of that romantic ideal.

I think Girl A is going through the stages of grief. She is losing a lifelong dream, a dream that one special man would love her like no other, and together they'd share a Disney marriage. It's not so romantic to observe (in a Spock-like voice), "There are billions of people on Earth and the chance that only two particular people can be right for each other, and that they'll miraculously meet up and get together in the midst of those billions of other people, is quite small. Almost no marriage would be a good marriage if only two certain people could be right for each other. It's far more likely that lots of different people can be right for each other. People meet up largely by chance. There's actually a good likelihood that any two particular people can make a good match for each other."

And why would there be so many affairs in the monogamous world, if everyone was meant to be paired off in a perfect pool of exclusive soulmates? If that were true, then when someone had an affair, they'd feel miserable with the person they were having an affair with. That person would get on their nerves. Instead, people tend to hang onto affairs, getting great joy and pleasure with the person they're cheating with, and not wanting to give that up, even at the risk of getting caught and losing their marriage. And that certainly doesn't imply they don't love and enjoy the person they married as well. The bottom line is, a lot of people are probably polyamorous at heart, and don't even realize it.

Our closest relatives in the Animal Kingdom are the chimps and the bonobo chimps. "Regular chimps" aren't notably "kinky," but bonobo chimps are. They have no compunctions about sharing sex with each other freely throughout their various troupes. I heard from one source that when a few bonobos "score a large cache of food," they bring it home to their troupe and the whole troupe has, well, an orgy, as if to celebrate the good fortune, and presumably to inspire everyone to cooperate and share the food.

If humans are closely related to bonobos, it should be no surprise that many humans are very sharing with their libidos, and quite comfortable having more than one romantic/sexual partner. Maybe some humans are "more related to regular chimps," and thus have more conservative sexual ideals and standards. Who knows?

The irony is that Girl A seems to have more bonobo chimp in her than she does regular chimp. She doesn't mind the idea of people sharing themselves sexually; it's when people start sharing themselves romantically that she gets depressed. That's one reason why I think she may have some social conditioning to relinquish, and it isn't easy to relinquish social conditioning. It can be very painful. In this case, it means saying goodbye to the dream of a Disney marriage. Which is what makes me speculate that she is experiencing the stages of grief.

I think the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, grief per se, and finally acceptance, although the stages don't always fall in exactly that order and sometimes a person can shift back and forth between a couple of stages. If Girl A is experiencing these stages, then she has a lot of pain, confusion, and desperation to sort through. Somewhere in her mind is the vast, thundering question: "Why?" and "why" has no logical answer. It is an emotional question.

The best you can do is keep patiently reassuring her that no one in the world is more important to you than her, that she can never be replaced and that you'd be heartbroken if you ever lost her. You can express that you share her sorrow and suffering, and that it makes you feel bad to know that you and your personality are causing that pain. Tell her that you can't imagine how bad she must be feeling, but what you can imagine seems pretty awful.

The rest is stuff that she has to work through, alone, in her own time and in her own way. Alas, you cannot guarantee that you and she will prove to be compatible enough to stay together. You have a big personality divide to overcome, and not all romances are meant to be, at least not forever. So try to savor and appreciate the special love you have right now, and if you ever do have to part, try to do so as friends.

In the meantime, I'll keeping hoping that you, Girl A, and Girl B, all end up growing old together someday, and that today's pain will become a memory of the distant past. We have no reason yet to assume that can't happen. It's just gonna take a lot of patience and love.

Re:
"I did some searches and a lot of reading on the forums looking for something to help, and so far I haven't been able to find much to help."

Well let's try to rectify that problem by continuing our dialog on this thread. No doubt there will be people in the future who will be having a similar problem to yours, and if there are, this could end up being the thread that they need.
 

necrodefy

New member
getting better

I apologize for the bump. As you stated, I too want to keep up dialog in this thread, just have been busy lately. I'm either working, sleeping, on Skype with Girl A or spending time with Girl B. I'm actually typing this up during downtime at work.

Since the last post things have gotten significantly better all around. NRE has come into full swing with Girl B, which makes work a little difficult sometimes. We're trying to be as professional as possible. We're not trying to flaunt that we're a thing, but we've decided not to lie about it if someone asks us about it either. There's also some awkwardness with a guy we work with who made a move on her, but he's in a monogamous relationship and the girl he's with left him once already for cheating on her. Girl B likes him too, but won't jeapordize things with him and his girlfriend since they've been together a long time and will likely get engaged soon.

Girl A has a FWB now, which I think has helped a lot. I did end up in the NRE trap for a few days where contact with Girl A was minimal, but I Skyped with her last night for the first time in several days and we were just really glad to see each other. There didn't seem to be any negative feelings bringing anyone down, which was great. It felt like we were being us again, like this whole mess has finally stabalized, which is the best feeling ever!

There have been other things that have come into play between Girl B and me. For one, she of course wants to feel like an equal part of my life and not hidden away for fear of people finding out I'm poly. She wants to be able to come out and meet my parents and see my project cars I keep at their house. I really wouldn't mind if everyone I know learned I'm poly, I'd actually kind of prefer it, but I'm trying to find a tactful way to simply inform people without seeming like I'm trying to throw something in their face or like I'm an attention whore. I told my mother first since she's always been very accepting of who I am and she was fine with it. My grandparents raised me, and they are very old-school conservative... so telling them was the tricky part. My mother beat me to the punch at telling my folks, but they didn't cause much fuss about it, which was very surprising!

Second, because of the way things are at work now, I've decided to go back to school, but I'm limited to schools in Texas due to financial aid stuff. Also, Girl B will be moving away to find a better job just since there's not much of what she wants to do in this city. So, not only will I not be able to move to NY to be with Girl A like I wanted to next year and be away from her for much longer now, but the time that me and Girl B have to be together is quickly coming to an end as well. Girl B doesn't strike me as the type that would want to maintain a long distance relationship as strongly as me and Girl A have, but I may be surprised. It just sucks that we just started this relationship, and that we've actually liked each other since before I even met Girl A, and now we don't have much time to be together :-( We have until the end of the year.

Both girls have each other's phone numbers now and have apparently started texting each other. They're both theater lighting girls (I have a type I guess), so they have a bit in common. Girl A even said she'd share her connections at school to help Girl B find the kind of job she's looking for. It's also a little ironic that I'll be going to school for the same thing they did/are.

A question that was brought to me was, "What if (Girl A) decided she can't be with you if you're going to be poly? What will you do then? Will you give up being with (Girl B) or let (Girl A) go?" Honestly, I don't have an answer to that. I'll cross that bridge if I ever come upon it, but it's a bridge I hope to never cross. And I REALLY don't think it'll come to that since Girl A is already getting used to the idea. She said this all would have gone over more smoothly if she had hugs. The fact that all of this came up while she was away I think made her felt isolated and unable to be comforted. But thank goodness everything is getting better now! :-D
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
So, are Girl A and Girl B both going to be in New York? Sounds like it's all about long-distance relationships right now. Hopefully you'll get done with your schooling soon and can join both of your ladies.

I guess we all have to make difficult choices in life, but I'm glad to hear that you probably won't have to choose between Girl A and Girl B. Sounds like Girl A is starting to warm up to the whole idea of polyamory.

Keep us posted and I hope things continue to improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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