that "new" feeling with my husband because of my new boyfriend.

redpepper

New member
I have a husband and now a boyfriend, Mono, that I consider equal as far as significant others... Mono coming into my life has changed my relationship dynamic with my husband and our family.

It seems when a new person enters a poly relationship that it is as if the relationship between the two (or more) that were already there goes through a period of time where they are starting all over again... get to know each other all over again in terms of another being a part of the dynamic.

The feelings I had at the beginning of my relationship with my husband started again at the same time as I went through the beginning stages of my relationship with Mono.

I remember looking at my husband and wondering intently what he was thinking and going through, how he saw himself in our relationship and what his roll now was in my life. I wondered how much he loved me and our sex life changed as I rediscovered things I like and new things I like. We adjusted our time together to incorporate a new person and everything between us just seemed new... as it does when a new relationship starts.

Now, on the dawn of a year of being together all three of us I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me... much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being my husband and I and I can't see being with Mono without my husband.

Anyone else have any thoughts on that, those of you who have established long term poly relationships?:)
 

Sweetheart

New member
It's really true. We have experienced that very thing, Redpepper. It happens to us every time we get into a V or triad. It isn't just compersion, it's like we're somehow rebooting the old relationship with NRE.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Great !

That's great Red ! I guess that's what we'd all hope for - right ?
And yea, we've experienced that too on at least a couple occasions. I think just adding that other perspective gives us the chance to look closer at what's around us - including each other. We call it "getting out of a rut" that we feel all relationships just slide into out of familiarity & repetitiveness.

{{hugs}}

GS
 

redpepper

New member
What I'm loving now is that I feel my relationship with my husband has gone back to some kind of normalacy. I sometimes look at him and wonder if he really is okay with me having so much fun and getting so much love and excitment. When I realize he is okay with it and actually welcomes the time he has for himself it makes me love and appreciate him more for it. It makes me want to give more to him and help him work towards his happiness.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
When I realize he is okay with it and actually welcomes the time he has for himself it makes me love and appreciate him more for it. It makes me want to give more to him and help him work towards his happiness.

:D:D
 

rosevett

New member
ME ME ME ... I so get this..we are coming up on three years together and as normalcy sets back in I keep wondering the same for the 'orginal' partner but he keeps validating he loves having the time to take care of THINGS...he's a stuff fixer and he wishes he had more time to show his love by fixing more stuff (does this make sense) anyway it took me awhile to figure out her was really ok with fixing everyone's stuff and everytime gives me more thankfulness and love that he is part of our family.

I can't imagine my life without every member of my family and we are so amazingly settled into some very wonderful roles that compliment each other very well.

Thanks for the thread Redpepper..
 

Bowvine

New member
I hope to experience this in my relationship. Nifty read and gives much hope.
 

redpepper

New member
Thanks Bowvine, it was you that inspired me actually as I realized where we came from and how far we have come... thanks for that.
 

Bowvine

New member
Who knew!?! :)
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being my husband and I and I can't see being with Mono without my husband.

:)

I used to puzzle about this statement especially the part about not just being with your husband. I can't imagine a relationship of this nature without the presence of your husband. It really is something that needs the two of you for me to be healthy I think. I have slightly different reasons but at least I can somewhat relate.....cool.

I think you would do just fine with your husband...he's great! If I wasn't so straight and mono ;)
 

Catfish

New member
You three are truly a beacon of light. Thank you for your presence here and all your inspirational sharing.
 

redpepper

New member
I think you would do just fine with your husband...he's great! If I wasn't so straight and mono ;)

(Uh, no I wouldn't... I love you how you are silly man! Too much has happened and I am way too in love with you both to separate you... it would be like losing half of you both... couldn't do it, well would cause of the boy, but not happily)

Thanks Damncat. Not trying to be anything but more myself. It's nice to know that that is okay here though.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
You three are truly a beacon of light. Thank you for your presence here and all your inspirational sharing.

Thanks Damcat...I'm no poster boy for poly but we sure have found something between the three of us. So many things came together that I still get overwhelmed by how unlikeky and yet how natural our fit feels.

Take care
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I have a husband and now a boyfriend, Mono, that I consider equal as far as significant others... Mono coming into my life has changed my relationship dynamic with my husband and our family.

It seems when a new person enters a poly relationship that it is as if the relationship between the two (or more) that were already there goes through a period of time where they are starting all over again... get to know each other all over again in terms of another being a part of the dynamic.

The feelings I had at the beginning of my relationship with my husband started again at the same time as I went through the beginning stages of my relationship with Mono.

I remember looking at my husband and wondering intently what he was thinking and going through, how he saw himself in our relationship and what his roll now was in my life. I wondered how much he loved me and our sex life changed as I rediscovered things I like and new things I like. We adjusted our time together to incorporate a new person and everything between us just seemed new... as it does when a new relationship starts.

Now, on the dawn of a year of being together all three of us I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me... much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being my husband and I and I can't see being with Mono without my husband.

Anyone else have any thoughts on that, those of you who have established long term poly relationships?:)

YES. I can't elaborate right now-gotta go get on heat.
But I will later. ;)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
It seems when a new person enters a poly relationship that it is as if the relationship between the two (or more) that were already there goes through a period of time where they are starting all over again... get to know each other all over again in terms of another being a part of the dynamic.

The feelings I had at the beginning of my relationship with my husband started again at the same time as I went through the beginning stages of my relationship with Mono.

I remember looking at my husband and wondering intently what he was thinking and going through, how he saw himself in our relationship and what his roll now was in my life. I wondered how much he loved me and our sex life changed as I rediscovered things I like and new things I like. We adjusted our time together to incorporate a new person and everything between us just seemed new... as it does when a new relationship starts.

Yes, I know it's been bizarre reading about everyone's "NRE" because I'm not really there-in that way.
When I told Maca I was poly and that our relationship was changing, I fully expected him to leave (yes I know very different from your situation). I was devastated by the idea-but knew I had to get my life straightened out so I could be REAL again.
As you know-Maca stayed, but I didn't expect he and I to go through NRE with each other! THAT wasn't anywhere in the stuff I read. But that's exactly what happened! :eek:

GG and I have a good, solid, loving, secure relationship. There isn't the up and down drama that there has been between Maca and I. We've had a few downs in the time since that letter-but not really pertinent to the "poly" world. More pertinent to dealing with my neck and needing him to be more "in charge" when I just can't. Touchy topic-because usually I have my way of wanting it done and prefer to do it myself. But we haven't had any NRE either...

Maca and I on the other hand have found new things we love about each other, new things in sex we didn't know how to do... all sorts of weird stuff like that and it's like we can't wait to talk each day about what's new THAT day with US!

I feel guilty sometimes cause I feel like GG gets left out a bit-but at the same time, we're not floundering in our relationship (GG & I). We're just.......well we're just the same mostly! Nothing bad about that either. There are little changes, like we don't get as much time together as we did before (weird I know) but that's more to do with his new job, not so much the new dynamic.

I fell in love with Maca again and in a whole new way-and it has everything to do with being able to be in love with GG without feeling like a whore......
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I fell in love with Maca again and in a whole new way-......

This has got to be the hardest aspect of poly for me. This is probably the most foreign of concepts to my tiny mono mind. It's hard for me to put myself in a head space to look at this from any perspective other than my own. One negates the other for me.

Wow...I'm glad to hear you guys are doing so well. I hope we all get to meet at some point :)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Now, on the dawn of a year of being together all three of us I find it hard to separate the two of them in my mind. They make up one whole relationship to me... much like having roommates for a year. The thought of either of them going just doesn't fit. The whole thing would collapse without three. I doubt I can go back to it just being my husband and I and I can't see being with Mono without my husband.

That's funny! I am struggling. There is a pet name that I've called GG for years. It came up in the midst of the worst parts of the mess between Maca and I. It's "made up". Not "honey" or "baby" or whatever.
Anyway-in my MIND-the deeper part of my mind-the name MEANS "my love" crossed with "my heaven" or "my security" and "my safety"...
Anyway-as I said it's not a REAL word, so I guess I should just sit my ass down and write a definition!

But anyway-I have caught myself calling Maca that-like just "slipping out" but I'm not THINKING about GG when I do it, the "problem" is that I'm feeling that Maca is those things now too.

Only-I feel sort of guilty-because that term of endearment is very special to GG and I don't want him to feel like it's anything less because it's being "shared" and I don't think he'd PREFER it to be shared
AND
Maca wouldn't prefer that I use "GG's" nickname for him....

How do I explain to them that it's NOT what they think it is...
It's that they are one in my mind in many ways-and more ways every day...

I guess by telling them to read this thread huh RP? ;)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
This has got to be the hardest aspect of poly for me. This is probably the most foreign of concepts to my tiny mono mind. It's hard for me to put myself in a head space to look at this from any perspective other than my own. One negates the other for me.

Wow...I'm glad to hear you guys are doing so well. I hope we all get to meet at some point :)

I'm smiling right now-because if you COULD wrap your mind around it I would be afraid all of your posts were just a big huge psychological game on the rest of us!
Of course you can't wrap your mind around it! You are mono Mono! Silly man!
Isn't that a big part of the reality of reasoning behind mono behavior?
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I hope we can meet too. I have to get all of us passports now that the laws are stricter here, so the next time we go to Washington we can drive up. I've always wanted to-never have (ok well I DID when I was 5, but that's NOT the same).

:p
 
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