The Best Life Yet

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

This morning, Oona came on IM with me talking about thinking of breaking up with Toby and just being alone for the rest of her life. We talked about that for a while, and then I decided to bring my thoughts to her:

ME: I was lying in bed last night thinking of being alone too, but felt resolved again by morning.

OONA: yeah?

ME: The work is...work. LOL. I'm so busy with work-work that I barely have energy left over when I need to do self/relationship work right now. And I just want....like...a period of reprieve while I feel that way. Reprieve from "poly processing." I just wish we could stick to dating as a unit, kind of. It's the unknown quantities that turn me ill—the perceived “danger” of it popping up at any time—that uneasiness, always wondering if that next time he goes out without me is going to be the time it all starts back up again... But I can't ask for that without impinging on Rider's freedom.

OONA: I've always thought that seemed like a lot of emotional work

ME: So sometimes it seems like it would be easier just to be alone and let him go be single or poly with someone else. But he hates it when I talk that way. And he is really, really good to me. It’s never that I want to be without him because of a lack of love. It’s always a “for his own good” thought. I just don’t feel like I am even good for him right now with where I’m at in my life—too vulnerable and too tired to “do poly”—to deal with that feeling of risk. I’m a kettle of drama waiting to happen, all adrenaline and subtly bubbling fear. No one deserves that.

I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with it lately, and it's making me more of a jealous person than I usually am, or than I like to be. It’s getting worse with time instead of better, the more depleted I get. I just want to hit the pause button and get to a more solid place in the rest of my life without having that added stress. In the end I always somehow find the strength to persevere. And to do at least a little of the work.

OONA: You know, I somehow knew you were thinking/feeling this. The other day I was having the exact thought that it must be hard to NOT be able to "rest" in this new situation…but that is why I could never be poly. And that you must be feeling a desire to just have things as they are for the moment, and how that WOULD be in opposition to what Rider probably wants

ME: It was easier when I wasn't coming off the heels of a huge move—when things were settled, when I was less busy. He will say one day that he's not looking to date anyone else right now....but then get a girl's number at a bar after work before he gets on the train and revisit that bar repeatedly hoping to run into her again. Like, he's not super-chasing people, but he's really open to it happening, I think, right now. And I'm just kind of NOT. I don't have the space in my life for new people, especially not with the energy humaning takes from me.

And I hate the feeling of imbalance when he's got other people to focus on and I don't.

And it seems unethical and cruel to try to hold HIM back from what HE wants just because where I am work-wise and energetically. I never want to be the reason that he chooses a path of less happiness for himself.

OONA: that's fair of you. I guess the one question it begs, though, is why it must be tit-for-tat? That must be a jealousy issue, no? You had this issue before-- a frustration when he had a second and you didn't.

ME: I woke up this morning after thinking about it for a long time last night, not sleeping that much, deciding to just kind of let it wash over me. I have a hard time relinquishing what little control I imagine that I have over my life.

I mean, yeah, it's envy and jealousy kind of muddled up together.

OONA: that's the emotional work you don't have the energy for now

ME: Exactly.

OONA: I totally get it, but there doesn't seem to be a way around it

ME: I am so desiring of an extended period of just...rest. Laziness.

OONA: So you'll find a way to still feel rested even with Rider cavorting. that is the key then

ME: I am feeling it in all areas—overworked at work, overworked emotionally, overextended credit, overextended energy from trying to be social all the time.

OONA: and I'm going to stop trying to have in Toby the partner I've had in other men. yeah, I don't know how you guys do it! Last Sunday...there was no way!

ME: I'm just burnt out as fuck all the time lately. I wish I just had a tiny little hobbit hole I could go to sleep in for a month and emerge refreshed. I'm afraid of my life getting even one iota more complicated than it already is.

OONA: So does this mean that ultimately poly isn't for you? It's not something reasonable to deal with while also being a real adult? Or...? That is the thing-- with poly, I guess you have to be 100% cool with stuff or there is no "rest." You shouldn't feel like you have to accompany Rider to everything, lest he find someone when you're not there

ME: I wouldn't go that far. Some of the best feelings I've ever had have been the poly cuddle piles and that feeling of happiness in seeing him happy with other people who are known quantities.

Not to mention my own ever-present need for a "permission slip" because I'm terrible at monogamy.

OONA: I feel bad because I have no advice for you on this topic. I could never feel safe in an open relationship of any kind. I'm too paranoid.

ME: Even if I don't have the energy to date right now, it's good to know I have the freedom to flirt or if I found myself in a hookup situation I wouldn't have to feel guilty.

OONA: True

ME: I just can't imagine adding regularly occurring humans to my already complicated life, and that means on my end or on his.

And if a person is local, and he has a good time with them, they are going to become regularly occurring, of course.

I just want to be super-selfish and only worry about my damn self and what *I* want and need...not about fitting other people into the already-strained schedule.

I just am kind of worrying right now that what I want and need and what he does might not be as closely aligned as it once was. Which is probably temporary and definitely due to circumstance instead of a shift in world-view.

OONA: Well so long as it is temporary, that's something to hold onto.

ME: That's true, but I am a little afraid that the stress, when it pops up, is going to wear away at our connection over time. I already find myself doing what I told you about before—poking around in my heart, looking for that hardening place where I can't hurt any more, but at the cost of turning the good feelings off too. What if I find it? Eventually the fear of the pain, and the pain itself, can overwhelm the good, I think.

I ordered a book on Buddhism that should arrive soon. I think they have a tenet in Buddhism about embracing suffering. But I'm not sure if that's the right tack either. It seems too...martyr-like...or something. My innards balk at the idea of purposely enduring suffering so someone else can experience pleasure.

I dunno. I'll figure it out one way or the other, I guess. It's fucked up how 5% of the time can sometimes bleed over into the other 95% by making my footing feel uncertain so that I'm never sure if everything is going to go wrong at any time.

OONA: I think Buddhist say suffering is an illusion.

ME: Ha! Hopefully the book will make it feel that way. Caveat on all of this is that yesterday and today are my most hormonal days of the entire month. Aaaand somehow they always seem to be the day that some “other person” thing with Rider pops up.

So in addition to all of that, I've also been dealing with the phenomenon of finding unpleasant mail in my box all week. First it was a denied lab bill from when I went to urgent care for my UTI. It said that the labwork hadn't been pre-approved my my primary care doctor so they denied it. Which, the urgent care was on my insurance card (literally listed on there), and—HELLO!—the whole point of urgent care is to get seen on the spot and not have to wait for a primary doctor. Hopefully if I bug them enough they will see reason, but when I originally called they weren't even showing it in their system! They told me I need to wait and call back.

And then the next day, it was mail from my current state's tax agency, saying that they think I owe them a return from 2014 because I got 1099 income from my company that is located here. But I was telecommuting that whole year from a different state, which I know for a fact means I don’t owe them anything. It’s just a matter of the hassle of proving it.

And then yesterday, it was some sort of letter from my landlord saying that there is an extra $12 fee that gets levied each June so I will have to include that in my rent for that month.

It seems like everyone and their great uncle wants to take all my money, and I barely even have any. And somehow it’s on me to make sure that they can’t do it unfairly. The system is broken as fuck.

I do have one piece of good financial news, though, and that is that my budgeting and scrimping is working. According to my Mint, this is the first month since the move that I have had a net positive income, which means that as long as I keep it up, the debts will start to go down. And the more they go down, the decreasing interest will make them go down even more. Yay, adulting.

So that is what has been going on in the incredibly busy and occasionally tumultuous world of Reverland. Life is great, life is terrible, everything’s draining, everything’s exhilarating, and there is no end in sight to the pleasure and the drudgery. It’s enough to make me wish I were dead just to get some rest.

 

[Reverie]

Rider posted this poly article on his Facebook today, and a pretty interesting conversation ensued. One of my responses was essay-length (surprise, surprise!) and I wanted to record it here:

There's a lot of research that points to the notion that humans did not evolve to be sexually monogamous, and that is why the pull and temptation of novelty can be so strong in monogamous relationships, leading to betrayal that then often ends said relationships.

In thinking about how humans evolved (in small close-knit tribes where everyone knew one another, with occasional mingling with other friendly tribes to keep the gene pool fresh), it makes sense to me why modern poly can be just as hard as, if not harder than, monogamy.

In a small tribe, people know and trust each other, spend a lot of time together, and generally have each other's back as a way to survive. If one's lover(s) shared love with others in the tribe, it was probably easy, like how I know I could easily share anyone with my best friend (if she were into that sort of thing) and she would never do me any harm and would always keep my best interest in mind alongside her own.

In modern society, most people are strangers to one another, and one has no guarantee that anyone has anyone else's back. We compete for resources instead of collectively sharing them, which spills over into a competitive spirit. If I don't know a person, if there is little or no communication there, or if I haven't even met them, they are the Great Unknown—I know they have little to no reason to place my desires on par with their own, and every reason to angle for a larger share of the time pie than I might want to relinquish. The fear of that Great Unknown remains a fear until the person becomes a known friendly quantity.

In the end, it comes down to just somehow making time for getting to know those people (even within a hellaciously busy schedule) and proving them friendly, so they are not so scary, and also trusting that if they are not friendly or if they seek to usurp, then my partner will have the sense to jettison them on his own out of love and respect for what we already have together. It's an uphill battle, for sure, but one that allows me a greater vantage point every time I struggle that much further up the hill.

And on the bright side, if I kiss a cute boy at a party, it's not cheating.

 

[Reverie]

Of course, I also talked to Rider about the whole thing. I said something to him last night, and we decided to not talk about it right before going to sleep. This morning I recounted my conversation with Oona to him and then we had an exchange:

Him: I'm sorry you're so stressed out. My needs are very much met with you. I still enjoy the thrill of meeting new people and socializing, and I love the potential for a hookup, honestly.

Me: It's always worse these two days of the month. And coincidentally (?) somehow these are the days when stuff always seems to try to come up.

Him: I think my ideal situation would be one where you and I have a person or persons that we are both attracted to, that we could spend time with either together or separately when one of us is busy or unavailable. That's simply an ideal, though.

It's in your cycle?

Me: Today is the "week before" cramp day. And I always get very upset the day before that and the day of it. Or cry over animals.

I don't hate the idea of you hooking up with people. I hate the idea of...more...right now. Of dealing with you in NRE when I feel like I don't have my footing here yet. Of you being interested in regularly spending time with people and your energy and time being diverted in that way.

Him: That's still not a reality yet, so you should probably not spend energy worrying about it.

Me: It feels like...what's that sword? Damocles? No idea how to spell.

Him: Yeah, I believe that's correct, Damocles.

Me: Can't relax with it dangling there.

Him: I'm not sure there's a solution, though, other than wait out the 2 days.

Me: Well, it doesn't GO AWAY after the two days, LMAO. It's just worst then. I hope suffering really is an illusion and I can learn to see it that way. My body tries to tell me it's real.

Him: It may be a difficult thing to sort out mentally and emotionally. I believe it's possible for one to flow with it, but I think it's a learned thing.

And then we talked about other stuff for a while, and then he brought it back up:

Him: Are you feeling any better now?

Me: Kind of? Still super pensive. Still worrying that right now you and I want different things, and what that might mean for people in our position [by which I mean engaged and newly moved to a brand new area of the continent with a lot staked on each other].

Him: Everything is going to be fine no matter what. <3

Me: How do you know?

Him: I know because we're both willing to do the work

Me: I am. But the work is hard and I am tired. And the more tired I get the harder the work gets. And the harder the work gets, the more tired I get. What if "willing to do the work" and "able to do the work right now" are not the same thing?

Him: The things that you're worrying about atm are purely speculative, I think, unless I'm misunderstanding.

Me: They are. But...It's REALISTIC speculation. I think. Knowing that you want something and will take the opportunity if it presents itself means that the narrow possibility exists constantly, and that you will seek to widen that narrowness should you catch a glimpse.

Also, that it will probably be pretty close to a surprise to me. As far as the moment of trigger pulling. These factors combine to make me uneasy.

Which is why I say that I am mulling over us WANTING different things right now.

Him: Well, let's wait a day or two and then we can talk about it.

Me: Sure. I am only talking about it again because you asked.

Him: Sure. If you know you have a pattern where you panic for 2 days every month, we should take that into account

Me: The heightened emotion thing is unavoidable for sure. It's just mega inconvenient that there always seems to be some extra little thing that comes up at the same time that fuels the fire.

So...yay for vulnerable communication, and for letting him know what's going on inside of me even when it's scary. I feel like everything in me is screaming that I can't handle new people being added to the situation anytime super soon—that I just need a PAUSE from dealing with that to recover from the stress I've undergone with moving and being sick a lot and financial woes. Allie's visit, and also how fine I was with the idea of him hooking up with Lily when she visited (even though that didn't happen) showed me that I'm not trying to be like "RAWR, I'm a cowgirl, let's be mono!"

But lately I have felt like even on a regular (read: non-hormonal mess) day, I am too close to completely burning out to handle extra emotional "stuff"; I know it's my "stuff" and I need to deal with it eventually, but I want to just put it back in the closet to mend later until the more pressing issues (knowing my way around, not being super broke, getting used to my new work situation, etc.) are normalized again.

And I also feel like I can't in good conscience request that my own mental health status restrict other people from having their freedom.

And I also feel like it would be utterly cruel and ridiculous to leave over this—to leave this person who I dragged these 2400 miles, this love of my life, simply because he doesn't want to slow down from how we were living before (when I was not as stressed). Not to mention the breakup itself would be even more stressful.

So I wait. For the Buddhism book to arrive. For my hormonal week to pass. For terrible things to happen, or not. To see if it keeps getting worse instead of better. To see how his perspective evolves. To see how my perspective evolves. Ugh, I feel so dramatic and doom-filled today. Cramp-day turns me into a despairing gothy teenager all over again.

 

[Cleo]

I am far from an expert on Buddhism... but the way I understand it, Buddhism doesn't say that suffering is an illusion, but that suffering is caused by resisting reality.
So anytime you want to control something you cannot control, anytime you long for something you don't have, anytime you are scared to lose something you do have, you suffer because you are resisting the only reality that exists, which is that nothing is certain and everything changes, always, all the time.

 

[Reverie]

I am far from an expert on Buddhism... but the way I understand it, Buddhism doesn't say that suffering is an illusion, but that suffering is caused by resisting reality.
So anytime you want to control something you cannot control, anytime you long for something you don't have, anytime you are scared to lose something you do have, you suffer because you are resisting the only reality that exists, which is that nothing is certain and everything changes, always, all the time.

That's pretty much the most terrifying thing ever. I love novelty but am completely terrified of the idea of nothing being certain. Sometimes I wonder if I am just, like, not even cut out for human life. Maybe I should have been a pet cat.

 

[Cleo]

that made me think of this Jack Kornfield quote

If you can sit quietly after difficult news;
if, in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm;
if you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy;
if you could happily eat whatever is put on your plate;
if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill;
if you can always find contentment just where you are:
you are probably a dog.

 

[Reverie]

that made me think of this Jack Kornfield quote

If you can sit quietly after difficult news;
if, in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm;
if you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy;
if you could happily eat whatever is put on your plate;
if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill;
if you can always find contentment just where you are:
you are probably a dog.

Well, I mostly have the sleep part down, at least. Mostly. >^.^<

 

[Reverie]

In this thread I tried to brainstorm my best solution for getting through this life-stress/poly-burnout thing. I got some thoughtful responses that helped me to decide that asking Rider for a short break from introducing new partners was probably the way to go, as hesitant as I felt about doing, not wanting to limit his freedom.

Friday night passed without much event. I worked Friday night, as planned. Rider did not run into Downtown Bar Girl, and he ended up just coming home kind of early, with a bag of surprise treats for me. I think he felt bad about how bad I was feeling. It was very sweet of him. We ended up having amazing sex that night.

Saturday during the day, we hung out with one of Rider's old friends and his fiancé. The fiancé is this sweet, if quite young, trans man who seemed to take a real shine to me, and we ended up chatting for a long time while Rider and his old friend reminisced. We talked about having fundamentalist family members, and he was telling me about what life on a farm had been like, including his mentioning how killing animals was par for the course, and us then all talking as a group about how vegetarianism is becoming easier to do (though neither of them are).

Saturday was the "welcome back" party for Mel. Overall I had a good time, but something happened that really, really enforced my self-understanding that I needed SOME kind of reprieve from all of this. What happened was this:

The party was small—less than 20 people. About half of them were good friends of mine and their partners. The other half were either recent once-met acquaintances or total strangers. I met some cool people, and I was having an unusually easy time interacting with strangers, being that I am usually pretty awkward and shy. At one point, Rider and I were talking to a petite redheaded girl, a painter. She seemed nice enough, but I dipped out of the conversation to help the hostess set the food up. I felt bad that she was running around like a crazy person and no one else was helping her.

Time passed. I circulated, not really paying attention to where Rider was. I met new people I really liked. I laughed heartily with old friends. I spent some time chatting with Oona, during which I noticed that Rider and the redhead were talking to each other across the fire pit from Oona and me, and they seemed to be having a good time, but I didn't think much of it. I got up to go play a dance video game with Oona and Mel, tapping Rider on the shoulder to see if he wanted to join in, and he said he'd be in in a bit.

Rider came in to watch Mel and me after a while, and then we were sweaty and tired from playing the game, so we took a break. The redheaded girl drifted in from the fire pit and joined our conversation. I don't even remember how we got on the topic, but she said that she'd grown up on a farm, and that killing animals was par for the course and she was jaded about it. I mentioned how it was strange that this was the second time that day that someone had expressed that sentiment, which is funny because it's not a common thing that I hear people talk about.

This is where things went sideways. She turned to me and asked me if I was a vegetarian. I said mostly, but I do occasionally indulge in seafood. She then asked me if I eat cheese and eggs, and started basically giving me a graphic description of the terrible things that befall male chicks and all cows as a result of the egg and dairy industries. Followed by a smug, "but I'm not a vegetarian. I do like a little meat from time to time."

I was just...horrified doesn't even begin to describe it. Like who confirms what someone's dietary habits are and then goes to great lengths to make them uncomfortable in front of a group of people? I felt bullied and I did the thing I always do when I feel bullied, which is blush and fall really silent, then try to pipe up a few moments later when I have found my tongue and defend myself. By then, the conversation had moved on, and my bringing it back up was just even more awkward, and stalled the conversation, so I made some excuse and scurried off to find Oona to get some vegetarian commiseration.

It totally took the wind out of my sails, after how good of a time I had been having. I did bounce back quite a bit, but that was kind of the turning point where I began to consider leaving.

Rider came to find me as Oona was saying her goodbyes, and he said he was feeling pretty intoxicated. I guided him to a couch near the front door after she left, and we kind of cuddled there softly chatting. The redheaded girl breezed out the door with Perry trailing behind, and he called that he’d be right back after walking her to her car.

Rider looked perplexed and I asked him what was wrong. He said he was very surprised the girl hadn’t said goodbye, because they’d been talking for most of the night and he had thought they were liking each other. (I later discovered they’d exchanged Facebook info.) I was confused—the girl who’d been mean to me?!—and then a possibility dawned on me.

Was the reason she’d been so aggressively combative with me (over my own lifestyle, completely unprompted) that it was some alpha power play bullshit because my fiancé had been flirting with her all night and she was doing the catty girl thing? That’s nice.

Gently, I asked Rider what he thought of what had transpired, and he was like, “Oh, yeah, that was pretty fucked up! I wonder why she was saying that stuff.” He had witnessed it—been one of the four in the conversation—but he had not extracted himself when I had, for whatever reason, and had already stopped thinking about it.

He said she’d been super apologetic to him for offending me, and that turned my blood cold. Instead of apologizing to me, she’d been as sweet as pie to him and made me sound easily offended, as though graphically describing the ills that befall animals, when you’ve just asked and received confirmation that someone is a vegetarian, is not just plain antagonistic behavior. If she’d come to me herself afterward and tried to make nice, I’d have maybe forgiven it.

I asked him whether he thought I was being oversensitive, realizing there’s always the chance my perception was off, and he thought about it and said that, no, the stuff she’d said to me, completely unprovoked, really had been inexplicably rude. And then he looked really sad. And I asked him what was wrong, and he’d said that he was disappointed in himself because he feels like he is usually a good judge of character, but this was basically the Desirée situation all over again.

And it pretty much was, actually: the assertive, more socially successful girl he’s been flirting with all night notices I’m socially awkward and decides to try to upset or shame me in front of him. I’m not really sure WHAT they think they’ll gain from it—Rider is always going to side with me when someone has been rude to me. Maybe they don’t know how loyal of a person he is, or maybe they don’t know that “poly” means keeping me around, or maybe, in this girl’s case, she didn’t even know we were poly yet. Maybe they think he’s on the sly or not satisfied with me and it makes them want to devalue me in front of him. Sleazebags, ugh.

He said that he worries that he is attracted to, or attracts, that type of woman: the type who will systematically hunt out my social weaknesses and seek to softly ridicule me. I laughed and told him of course he is—he’s attracted to EVERY type of woman.

It all just drove it home to me how absolutely unsafe I feel right now with the idea of unknown people coming into my life via the path of Rider’s connection. It terrifies me that maybe he’ll get NRE-blinded by someone and they will make my life complicated in ways I can’t afford right now.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

So this morning after we woke up, I broached the subject with Rider. I recounted the variety of responses I got on my thread here, including Cleo’s dissenting opinion and our subsequent discussion. I explained how I’d been feeling, and how if we did break from new people, how I was going to use that timespan and energy saved to really rest and also find space/energy to work on my issues once I’d rested a bit.

He was initially quite unhappy about the idea, but not surprised. But he was willing to hear me out and entertain it. I asked him what his objections were, and he said he had fears about it:

1) That it would just be a delay of fixing the problem and that I’d be in the same state in four to six months, and just keep kicking that can down the road.
2) That it would end up causing some problem between him and me if he meets someone during that time and feels like he can’t pursue what he wants.
3) That due to Murphy’s Law, setting a timed break guarantees he’s going to meet someone and feel that internal struggle.

He made doubtful and even almost threatening phrases, like, “You sound so sure you’ll be ready to be done with this in four months. How can you be that sure?” and “You’d better make sure you actually do the work if I agree to this.” It made me feel sad, like he was doubting my trustworthiness—like I would mislead him on purpose in order to manipulate him into doing what I want. But I didn't focus on that or cave to the feeling; he'd be the one doing me a favor here, and if I needed to prove my creditworthiness, so be it.

I told him that I was absolutely serious about the ending point. I’m not trying to inevitably delay the growth process (and I did not mention how little sense that idea makes—who wants to remain stagnant and in pain?!). If at the end of the time period we agree on, I still feel like this, the moratorium is still off. We’ll decide what to do at that time, but it will be something different, whatever it is. And I promised to try to continue to make progress as much as I was able.

I told him that if he agreed to do this, the way I would be thinking about it would be a collaboration. I am unwell in some way (even if it is not a visible way), and his inconveniencing himself in assisting me to get better would be a form of very kindly allowing me to lean on him when I am down. And I wanted to make it as painless as possible for him. I also would absolutely return a similar favor if he were in a situation in which he is unwell.

I explained that it doesn’t have to be a complete close, even. We wouldn’t get rid of our long-distance people, of course. If he wanted to go have one-off casual sex with whomever, that is up to him—fine with me as long as he was safe. If we felt like going to a swing club or pick someone up at a bar together, I was not opposed that. I said that the thing I was not ready to deal with at all right now was a new actual relationship—the NRE, the time rebalancing, the getting to know the person, the potential for conflict. We could think of creative ways to get him sexual variety without crossing into that danger zone.

I even conceded that IF he met that bolt-out-of-the-sky person when he’s not even looking that he might feel resentful missing out on, rather than clam up about it and grieve the opportunity, I would prefer if he did bring it to me and we could discuss and re-evaluate. There would be no consequences for “cheating” even. All cheating would be in this case would be a failure to accommodate me. I understand that people make mistakes. I'm not the law, or a parent, here to dole out punishments. It might sting, but I'm a forgiving person. I truly don't believe he would ever even do it, but I felt it important to make it clear to him that we were not reverting to the "fidelity or the highway" mono outlook that I feel is super unhealthy.

He said he was worried about censoring himself in the way he interacts with the world. He was excited about meeting people here. And I told him that in no way did I want him to stop making friends and meeting new people. He said that part of the joy of meeting people for him is that feeling of possibility. He likes being able to just see where things go with people, with nothing limiting it but the choices of the people involved. He likes being able to walk down the street and see a pretty girl and think “in the right circumstances, I could have sex with her—anything is possible.”

And I told him that he it still will be his choice. I am not demanding anything. I am explaining how I feel, and what I want, and it’s his choice to comply. I’m not even threatening that we break up if he doesn’t—we could just dump this idea and try to figure something else out, if he really thinks he would be miserable or if, after starting, it turns out he actually is miserable.

The idea of him walking through the world feeling censored and inauthentic to himself made me really sad. I felt guilty at the idea that I might be alleviating my own misery by replacing it with his. (Cue the thoughts of “I should leave him for his own good.”)

And then I thought of it a different way: right now, I am suffering under a burden of stress and misery. Every time I have a physical burden, Rider is eager to take it off of my hands, and he is happy to, even though it places weight on him. If he agrees to “take one for the team” for a little while and feel a little unfulfilled so that I might rest and heal, then I should not feel guilty about his giving me what I have requested. If he reaches out and takes that burden because I’ve told him I am struggling under it, I need to feel thankful for that instead of guilty about it. Helping each other carry burdens is part of what partnership is, I think.

So he agreed to it. We set a term of four months, hard outer limit, with the stipulations that if he becomes miserable or if he meets that truly undeniable person, he can come to me and we can renegotiate. And I will rest my soul and do my job and work on my emotional stuff without stressing over the notion that he’s out in the world doing his Rider seduction routine on every pretty, potentially disastrous, potentially catty woman who catches his eye.

By the end of our conversation, he had lost the troubled tone in his voice and his body language had softened. We went out for breakfast, and he was super sweet and affectionate and tender to me, putting his arms around me on the sidewalk for a long time, squeezing me and telling me that I’m the most important thing in the world to him and he wants to see me happy and healthy.

I like to think of the stipulations as “reality clauses.” In actuality, everything is open to negotiation all the time. But I think saying so out loud is important, that way no one feels like they are “violating” something if they bring it up later.

I also learned some things about Rider. I don’t think I realized how important it was to him to move through the world looking at everything through a lens of sexual possibility, very invested in his chick-magnetism, even if he doesn’t act on it very frequently. I didn’t realize that it was so integral to his sense of feeling like himself. That’s so different from my reality. Sometimes his super-socialness and ease of attraction to people and interest in the possibility of sex with people truly does make me feel like I am walking on alien terrain when I try to consider it. How can we two human creatures be so alike in so many ways, and yet so very different in others?

Something I remembered after he’d already agreed to it was that, actually, we’d done something similar for about six weeks last August to mid-September. I’d gotten back from all my work travels and family stuff and was super stressed out, and we’d agreed to spend a month with no out of town people coming in or trips away from each other so we could focus more on each other and I could come down from my Kelly panic. It wasn’t something I requested; it was just something we noticed on the schedule and decided together to keep it that way. At the end of that stretch of time, Rider had said how happy he was to have done it and how much he valued having all of that undistracted time with me. So I had that little reprieve, and I got some therapy, and it powered me through until now—eight months later. Hopefully a longer break and more self-work will give me another plateau of peace.

I, more than anyone, want myself to get to the point where I am totally comfortable with Rider going out, meeting a great person, finding romance with them before I even get to meet them, and staying out all night as long as he texts me what’s up. The fact that I find it too terrifying to face right now is incredibly annoying, but it just is the state of things. He has brought more joy into my life than any other being ever has. And yet, this fear response to the uncertainty of new people is the scariest fear I have experienced.
Sometimes I feel like I can sense the place where the eventual peacefulness will sit. It lives somewhere inside the idea that some of something good is better than none of something good. I am going to take this time and make the most of it. Get my life stuff done. Heal from the stress. Read books. Save money. Work hard enough at my job that I can build up enough goodwill and understanding that my boss won’t mind if I have to leave for a bit to catch a therapy appointment every couple of weeks.

My Buddhism book arrived in the mail yesterday, and I hope to start reading it tomorrow. He’s been being super sweet to me all night, cuddling me and petting me. We had some really good sex a little while ago that reconnected us and washed the stress of our discussion away. He said that he already thinks of himself as my husband, and we do for each other what we need to. He squeezed my hand before falling asleep. I love him so much.

 

[KC43]

That's pretty much the most terrifying thing ever. I love novelty but am completely terrified of the idea of nothing being certain. Sometimes I wonder if I am just, like, not even cut out for human life. Maybe I should have been a pet cat.

I can completely relate to this. (There's a reason my dating site profiles include "kitty"...) I HATE not having some certainty, or at least some sense, of what's going to happen. It sometimes causes friction in my relationships, because Hubby is very much a "go with the flow" type, and Woody is all about "set your intention, but be prepared for other things and don't think too much about the future." (Even though he keeps bringing up the potential future of him finding an entangled life partner--which I've asked him not to do.)

But I've learned over the past decade that being too rigid and too controlling about what's happening and what's going to happen can be worse than not knowing. When I've tried to force my life to go in the direction I want it to go, things don't work out so well. When I decide what I'd like to see happen but remain open to other things, it works much better. Woody himself is a perfect example; I was bound and determined that I didn't want to meet anyone. That I only wanted to be platonic with him. That I was never going to trust him because I didn't want to be hurt again. I was determined that I would not have another relationship at all because nothing can be guaranteed.

But here I am, several months later, because even though I was bound and determined about those things, I was also open to the understanding that there really is no way to guarantee anything, and that my decisions might be wrong.

The thing I'm understanding with Buddhism isn't so much "don't ever try to figure out what's going to happen or try to make things happen"... it's more "don't resist if something goes a different way from how you think it will" and "don't get upset when you don't have what you want or things aren't going the way you'd like, just accept that's how it is and keep going."

 

[PinkPig]

That sounds like a fair compromise, Reverie. I hope life slows down for you and gives you a chance to breathe! ((Hugs))

 

[Cleo]

It sounds like a very good plan and like you had some good communication about this. I like this:

I told him that if he agreed to do this, the way I would be thinking about it would be a collaboration. I am unwell in some way (even if it is not a visible way), and his inconveniencing himself in assisting me to get better would be a form of very kindly allowing me to lean on him when I am down. And I wanted to make it as painless as possible for him. I also would absolutely return a similar favor if he were in a situation in which he is unwell.

I think it is good to view it as a team effort and not something that is just your decision.

It is one of the great joys and pains of poly to learn so much about your partner(s). You are learning about what he values, he is learning about what is important to you. Go Reverie!

 

[Reverie]

I can completely relate to this. (There's a reason my dating site profiles include "kitty"...) I HATE not having some certainty, or at least some sense, of what's going to happen. It sometimes causes friction in my relationships, because Hubby is very much a "go with the flow" type, and Woody is all about "set your intention, but be prepared for other things and don't think too much about the future." (Even though he keeps bringing up the potential future of him finding an entangled life partner--which I've asked him not to do.)

But I've learned over the past decade that being too rigid and too controlling about what's happening and what's going to happen can be worse than not knowing. When I've tried to force my life to go in the direction I want it to go, things don't work out so well. When I decide what I'd like to see happen but remain open to other things, it works much better. Woody himself is a perfect example; I was bound and determined that I didn't want to meet anyone. That I only wanted to be platonic with him. That I was never going to trust him because I didn't want to be hurt again. I was determined that I would not have another relationship at all because nothing can be guaranteed.

But here I am, several months later, because even though I was bound and determined about those things, I was also open to the understanding that there really is no way to guarantee anything, and that my decisions might be wrong.

The thing I'm understanding with Buddhism isn't so much "don't ever try to figure out what's going to happen or try to make things happen"... it's more "don't resist if something goes a different way from how you think it will" and "don't get upset when you don't have what you want or things aren't going the way you'd like, just accept that's how it is and keep going."

The weird thing is that I actually am SUPER flexible, resilient, and good at innovative problem solving when practical types of stuff go in a way other than what I've planned. I'm well known among my circle for being the go-to person to MacGuyver a way out of a sudden jam.

I usually have a Plan A, Plan B, and sometimes Plan C for large undertakings (e.g., my cross-country move), but if all of those plans go awry, it doesn't make me melt down; I just correct my course and then take a deep breath to recenter and move on, usually with a feeling of pride of accomplishment.

And I don't even have super-specific plans about what I want my life to look like. Sure, I'd eventually like to own property and/or move to a bigger place. I think I'd like an additional cat and to have a dog or two someday. I hope to get raises as I advance in my career. And I hope to maintain my friendships. But I am not super attached to any particular path of acquiring those things, nor do I feel like I am sad about or lacking the parts that I don't have yet. I'm definitely not the kind of person who is aiming for a specific type of house in a specific neighborhood, with a dream car I've had my eye on for years in the driveway, and so on.

But, like, relationship stuff...I don't ever want to feel uncertain in my relationship, even knowing logically that nothing in life is guaranteed. I hate more than anything when a relationship is feeling "wobbly" or like things within it might change for the worse—"the worse" usually meaning less time together, less intimacy, less freedom to do fun things together, fewer nights in bed together, etc. If I feel like my relationship is wobbly or degrading or pulling back from a previous level of intimacy, I have a hard time focusing on anything else in life. My mind will just race forever to figure out how to "fix" it.

I feel like I ramp up to a happy point in a long-term relationship, a point where we are each making each other a very high priority, and it's so enjoyable to just bask in the comfort and the pleasure of that: knowing that that person will be there for you, knowing that we can establish a weekly routine to some degree, knowing that we will cuddle each other to sleep. And to lose ground in any of those areas feels like true, painful, and therefore scary loss. I very much feel like "this is a happy life we've created, and there is no guarantee that change won't diminish happiness."

Of course, there is always the possibility that change will increase the happiness. That's easy to see when it comes to the idea of moving to a new, more exciting city. Or when starting a new band. These things are clear pluses. But it's much harder to see how it could possibly be good if it means I have to give up something I already get to experience and value.

It doesn't even sound to me like a possible thing for me to learn to take relationships with the same easily flexible, "oh, I'l just MacGuyver something in the moment and survive" attitude that I do everything else. Like, relationships are important and irreplaceable. Everything else is just...stuff.

 

[Reverie]

I tried the meditation video that Cleo recommended yesterday. I didn't get all the way through it because Rider came home, but I did have kind of a revelation: I've always thought of "staying in the present" as meaning, like, a moment in TIME. It occurred to me during that video that it's also intended to be a moment in SPACE: exactly where you are.

One of my big problems in my relationship struggles, especially with poly, in the past is that if I love someone, I kind of feel like a part of myself is casting out to be with them at all times—missing them, thinking of them, wondering what they are doing—and particularly when I know they are with someone new, that process is painful for me.

During the regular work day or whatnot, it's almost comforting. I miss Rider during the work day, and Rider tells me he misses me during the work day too, and it's comforting that we're both doing the thing we must do to make our lives run, but still thinking of each other, and soon we'll be home together. Or if I have to go out of town for work, and he's hanging with his buddies, I know he wishes I were there with him, because he tells me so. "I'm having so much fun! And I wish you were here—that's the only thing that would make it better!" And I wish I were, too. We're on the same page.

But if he's with someone new, spending one-on-one time with them, getting to know them intimately, he probably very well does NOT wish I were there with him. And that part of me that casts outside of myself, feeling around for him in the universe, knows that. It feels like a door that is usually open for me in his heart has been shut in my face.

So...meditation. Perhaps a way to stop casting my thoughts out into the universe looking for him at all. Maybe if I get used to never doing it, if I get used to only living in the moment and appreciating him when he's with me and not thinking of him when he's not, maybe then it won't hurt anymore.

The thing I was struggling with yesterday subsequent to that was this:

I have always felt like my capacity for love was much larger than most people's. I love BIG. I love INTENSELY. I love DRAMATICALLY. I love like fireworks and unicorn-sparkle-dust and planting a million rosebushes around the perimeter of my love kingdom so they all bloom fragrantly to greet us when we wake each morning. I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. Loving is my greatest talent, and I take great pleasure in trying to make my loves lives better through affection, creations (art, food, songs), favors, collaboration, and pretty much anything I can think of.

If I learn how to not think of my lover when he's gone and miss him and yearn for him...if I learn to not feel FUCKING EVERYTHING so intensely and so deeply...if I rip away the veil of sparkle-magic and rose petals that I cover everything with and just learn to mellow the fuck out about it...

What is left?

Logic tells me that if I am a certain way, and it is ultimately hurting me, then I should welcome a change of it.

But I love my super-love. I get great joy out of it even as other times it causes me great pain. Feeling that heart-burst feeling is so pleasurable.

But maybe if the flip side is that terrible withdrawal, it's just a drug that I need to kick. Maybe I *need* to learn to love the way that other people do. Less intensely. Less dramatically. Less greedily.

I feel like I butt up against this idea every so often, and I always come to the same impasse with myself, arguing back and forth.

"But I *like* me. And I *like* the intense way that I love."

"But it's causing you problems. You can't go around being freaked out as fuck just because your lover is not missing you at the same time you're missing him, or because he's devoting some of his energy elsewhere. If the way you are is causing you pain, maybe it's time to change."

"But what if the change brings bad stuff? What if everything feels muted and lackluster if I learn to let the intensity go? Wouldn't that be boring?"

"Wouldn't being bored instead of stressing to the point of a near panic attack be the better option?"

"Well, yes, but if I'm also then bored at what would normally have been intense GOOD times as a trade-off, what will happen then?"

"First off, you know you're never actually bored. You have too much to do and there are too many things you like. Secondly, OK, so if you do get bored sometimes, what then? Are you going to go off chasing novelty and interest somewhere else? Would that really be a bad thing? Half of your problem is that you're so satisfied to the point of over-brimming with Rider that it never even bothers you that you don't have anyone else. Maybe if you were a little bored, it might light a fire under your ass to go on a date once in a while when you get a free night."

"But dating sucks. I almost never meet anyone I like, and the few I've even liked at the start, something always ends up being wrong. Getting to know people is weird and hard work and exhausting and I'm always disappointed."

"So DON'T date then. If you feel bored, suggest an adventure with Rider or another friend. Focus on your hobbies (heaven knows, you have plenty), or do one of the million things that always need doing that you never get around to."

"I don't have time for that stuff."

"Then how could you be bored?"

"I'm just worried about feeling less. What happens when I feel less?"

"You'll be happier?"

"I just want to throw myself into a river and never feel anything ever again."

"How about just trying the feeling less thing without going all the way to feeling nothing at all? How could more of a thing you're scared of be less scary than a little bit of it?"

"Because a little bit is realistic, and a lot is just me being dramatic?"

"OK, so you've admitted it's realistic..."

"Sigh."

 

[PinkPig]

I think I understand what you're saying, Reverie. I tend to love with intensity, too. And there is a bit of sadness thinking that when Blue is with Sage, or on a date with someone new, or even spending significant time talking to, texting, or IMing someone new, that he really isn't wishing that I was there. (Though, Blue does like threesomes so sometimes, maybe he does wish I was there, lol. ) His relationship with Sage is really heating up and I'll be honest that the two things that have kept me from panicking over it are: 1-she's long-distance so I know when they're going to see each other, 2-she has a child at home and is definitely not looking for an escalator relationship at this time. Once I've met Sage (soon!), I'm sure I will relax even more over their relationship. Like you, it's the unknown/new women who scare me... part of that's probably normal human nature and part of it is my codependency (I had an alcoholic parent and ex-husband.)

What I'm trying to do, is not love him less intensely, but learn to let go of my attachment to what the future looks like. It's hard...and sometimes I worry that doing so will erode our relationship...kind of how you mentioned in a post about becoming calloused so that it doesn't hurt as much? I don't want that...I don't want to be calloused, or love him less. I just want to learn to trust that things will work out how they are suppose to, whether we're together, or apart. Trust that my life will be happy and serene, regardless of my circumstances and who I am/am not with. Lately, I've been using my meditation time to help me accomplish this.

 

[KC43]

Something Woody said to me yesterday might be helpful, Reverie, with your feeling that you're casting around for Rider when he isn't with you. Woody's comment wasn't in the same context, but still might apply: "If I'm distant because I'm working, I'm not distant from your heart. If I'm distant because of stress, I'm not distant from your heart. If I'm distant because of flirtation, I'm not distant from your heart. I've placed part of me inside you, and part of you is inside me. We are never distant from each other's hearts, no matter what else is going on."

(With the work bit, he was talking both physically and emotionally distant, since he's just gotten signed to be on a show filming in NY. With the stress and flirtations, he was talking about emotional distance; he knows that I can feel it very strongly when he emotionally pulls back from me and wanted to make sure I understood that it's probably going to happen but doesn't need to change our relationship.)

 

[Reverie]

Something Woody said to me yesterday might be helpful, Reverie, with your feeling that you're casting around for Rider when he isn't with you. Woody's comment wasn't in the same context, but still might apply: "If I'm distant because I'm working, I'm not distant from your heart. If I'm distant because of stress, I'm not distant from your heart. If I'm distant because of flirtation, I'm not distant from your heart. I've placed part of me inside you, and part of you is inside me. We are never distant from each other's hearts, no matter what else is going on."

(With the work bit, he was talking both physically and emotionally distant, since he's just gotten signed to be on a show filming in NY. With the stress and flirtations, he was talking about emotional distance; he knows that I can feel it very strongly when he emotionally pulls back from me and wanted to make sure I understood that it's probably going to happen but doesn't need to change our relationship.)

I think that's a sweet sentiment, almost poetry, but it doesn't make sense to me. If Rider had said that to me, I would have questioned how that is even possible, to be "emotionally distant" without being "distant from my heart." My heart feels like the seat of my emotions, so when someone withdraws their emotions from me, it feels like we are vacating each other's hearts. Maybe the context made it make more sense? Or maybe other people feel emotions differently?

 

[Reverie]

I think I understand what you're saying, Reverie. I tend to love with intensity, too. And there is a bit of sadness thinking that when Blue is with Sage, or on a date with someone new, or even spending significant time talking to, texting, or IMing someone new, that he really isn't wishing that I was there. (Though, Blue does like threesomes so sometimes, maybe he does wish I was there, lol. ) His relationship with Sage is really heating up and I'll be honest that the two things that have kept me from panicking over it are: 1-she's long-distance so I know when they're going to see each other, 2-she has a child at home and is definitely not looking for an escalator relationship at this time. Once I've met Sage (soon!), I'm sure I will relax even more over their relationship. Like you, it's the unknown/new women who scare me... part of that's probably normal human nature and part of it is my codependency (I had an alcoholic parent and ex-husband.)

What I'm trying to do, is not love him less intensely, but learn to let go of my attachment to what the future looks like. It's hard...and sometimes I worry that doing so will erode our relationship...kind of how you mentioned in a post about becoming calloused so that it doesn't hurt as much? I don't want that...I don't want to be calloused, or love him less. I just want to learn to trust that things will work out how they are suppose to, whether we're together, or apart. Trust that my life will be happy and serene, regardless of my circumstances and who I am/am not with. Lately, I've been using my meditation time to help me accomplish this.

I hope meditation helps me with this as well.

 

[PinkPig]

I imagine myself inhaling the things I wish to focus on: love, abundance, serenity, etc. And exhaling the things I wish to let go of: fears, insecurities, etc. We'll see if it works!

Also, I don't think of Blue as emotionally distant but emotionally preoccupied when he's with others...so not withdrawing his love and affection, just not focused on it at the moment. It's weird...I genuinely feel strong compersion... it just all depends on where I'm at headspace wise...If I'm in a negative headspace, I'm less likely to feel it, if I'm in a positive headspace, I'm more likely to feel it...and feel it more strongly. And, of course, it depends on how fulfilled I am with our relationship at the moment. I know there's some jealousy and envy (within my insecurity and fear), and yet, there's lots of love and compersion. That's why I'm hoping meditation will help - focus my attention on the positive things so I attract more positivity...

 

[Reverie]

The space that I've been given to work on this stuff without a sword over my head is making it easier to think about it and work on it without as much of a need for rest as I thought I needed. Because now I am doing it FOR ME, and not because I have to scramble to be in a good place in-case-something-happens-oh-god-don't-let-it-be-tomorrow.

I'm uncovering (and in some cases REdiscovering) all kinds of weird stuff. Like, thinking on my obsession last spring or summer with being the first to do particular things with Rider. I discovered then that I had a big issue there, and earlier today I was able to unpack it a little further. Doing so gave me a glimpse into the dark side.

I was thinking about how much I love new adventures with him, and how much it stresses me out to think that he might be off with "new person" doing "new person thing" that neither of us have ever doen before and getting that thrill of discovering something amazing with someone. Why does it bother me? I think I feel emotionally invested in having a role in his life as "frontier exploring partner" because that's something we bonded over, and the idea of sharing that role is uncomfortable to me.

I never had to think about it until Kelly came along, because Rider had had so much history with Claire and they had their routines and they'd both been living in the same place for so long—not much for them was new anymore. And the one thing that they DID do that was new was when she asked him to go to the place we'd planned our anniversary vacation for—before our anniversary—so she "scooped" me in getting to explore that with him, and I was actually super upset about that. All of the new stuff Kelly brought to him was always stressful for me.

So then I was thinking, well, it seems like a GOOD thing if he's going out and finding new experiences he can bring back to me that he wouldn't have otherwise found. Maybe I can find a way to think of it that way instead of thinking of it as stressful. Maybe if I view new people as tools to enrich my life via his finding new things to show ME. ::record scratch::

Oh.

Well.

I guess that's how people end up unicorn-hunting and viewing metamours as objects. I never understood it before now. They are in pain and they are looking for a way to make that pain less or more tolerable, and one way to do it is to dehumanize outsiders as implements to their own satisfaction. That's super disturbing, that that path was so easy to accidentally stumble upon, the whole "you will not be scary because you are a means to an end" thing.

I backtracked that pretty quick after realizing what was happening.

And then I was thinking...so if my reaction to having to face some of the scarier parts of poly is to dip a toe into being unethical as a thought exercise...what if...what if poly just isn't right for me, REALLY isn't right for me?

What if I picked the wrong path, and I inadvertently picked Rider up along the way because I thought it was the right path—really believed it—but it's actually not, and now I'm in a pickle?

What if the reason I was never happy in mono relationships before and believed I had a poly heart my whole life was that I was never in a truly fulfilling relationship before, and now that I am, I'm happy being mono? I always had a wandering eye. I always got strong crushes and urges to cheat. I always got a little bored around two to three years in. And I'd end the relationship because I was certain that I needed something else, something more—maybe poly!

And poly was easy at first. I was super into it and happy about it. Being with Rider while Rider was with Claire was fine. (Until she started freaking out.) I was still getting all my needs met. I knew Rider loved me big time. Everything felt amazing. Except it always felt even more amazing when I got a lot of time with him.

And then they broke up, and suddenly I had almost all of his time. And it was even more amazing than the sharing had been. And we had sexual adventures with others together, or with wing-personing each other and telling stories later, and they were exciting but they were kind of like another sex act between us, almost. There was no doubt that We were Us, and all of our friends and connections knew it and were happy to stay to the periphery and have some fun. For the first time in any relationship ever, I was completely fulfilled: intellectually, sexually, emotionally, creatively.

And I kind of...just stopped being interested in MORE from other people, other than the odd sexual adventure. Being fulfilled, having my needs met, pretty much completely erased my desire for more "real" partners. Occasional sexual variety? Sure, especially during ovulation, and especially with close FWB like Sam. But dating? Another boyfriend? Another life partner? As soon as Claire was gone and Rider had those nights free with me, I stopped having any desire to fill time with anyone else.

It's so weird, because all my life, I've pretty much always "liked" more than one person, and it's caused me all the trouble in the world. And now that I have the freedom to find exactly that, I can't seem to muster it. And not only that, it kind of wounds me that my partner might want to find it—that he might not feel the same way that I do.

Usually at the 2–3 year mark, I start getting antsy and looking around. Now, at that very point, exactly the opposite is true. How can being poly turn someone more mono? It seems to make zero sense, but it feels like what has been happening to me.

Was I never poly? Was I always just unfulfilled? Am I still poly? Am I just going through a crisis of faith because I have a lot of work to do?

I know that I can't be the perfect life partner for Rider if I am indeed not poly—if it turns out I can't handle some of the thornier aspects of it—but he is somehow the person who has given me enough relationship fulfillment that I don't desire any more. THAT is the thing that I think about that makes me consider being alone. It makes me feel like never relationshipping again, because the idea of being alone feels less lonely to me than the idea of being partnered-in-imbalance. I can't miss someone if there is no one to miss. And I am pretty good at being my own companion and entertainment at this point in my life.

So is this just me doing my regularly scheduled "you've hit the two-year mark, time to bail!" thing that I do (or close to it) all my life?

This whole time now, I've been super committed to poly, to making it work, to figuring out how to get through the tough parts and scraping up what little good I could find of it. I knew that if I wasn't committed to the idea of it, I would falter and fail, so I committed and worked and waited and waited for it to get eaier. But, like, it kind of hasn't?

And I'm beginning to suspect that most of what has been good about it is just that I really love Rider and he treats me amazingly well. Which, OK, that's great, but it doesn't do me a lot of good if he needs poly and I can't hack it. I was so excited that he was poly when we became friends, because I'd tried it before and here was a person who was actually doing it who I could be friends with. It seemed only natural later that since we shared that outlook and interest, we'd get together.

I'm still committed to doing this work for the four months—to really trying—if only because I am beginning to think that my success in making progress is the only way my cherished relationship will continue to fly. But I'm beginning to question the path.

All along, I've believed in the idea of great rewards resulting from a great deal of work, just waiting for the amazing part to be right around the corner. And all that has happened over and over is that Rider is interested in far more people and has far more success with them, while I am too introverted and exhausted and too satisfied with him to have any outside interest. So I struggle, and he coasts. So he squees, and I panic. And he is ever thankful for finding someone "as awesome as me" (which he says he doubts he ever will again) who is also willing to polyventure with him—he gets the best of both worlds. And I begin to get the feeling that my "great reward" has been a mirage all along.