The Blog of the Mono Wife

Yes you're right - we have to find the attributes that most people look to their partner's to provide, within ourselves. It's hard work but it must be healthy.

And I don't quite get the whole 'crutch' thing. This is hard work! I started to feel a little like you about sex the other day. We've always had a really great sex life and so if things get a bit "comfortable' I get worried. Crutches are used by people who are injured. Are we injured or are we challenged and in need of support?
I'm back

Hey everyone. I think I have stayed away too long. I have felt myself stuggling a little bit lately and I know my relationships around me are picking up on it.

Things have gone a little crazy for me lately. J and her family and my family have all become one big unit.We practically live at their house. And it is like one giant family. I love being there and usually never want to go home. But there are still times I struggle with my jealousies and emotions and insecurities are at an all time high. Particularly when I feel like DH and I have become a bit detached from each other.

I just need to get back to this place and hash it out here like I use to. I use to own my own feelings and work my way through alot of insecurities. But DH and I had a huge gigantic fall out about a month ago and I have just had so much pent up hurt and anger since. I blame him for everything under the moon and let my feelings boil at the surface so that I freak about everything.

I have often mentioned to the other three that I feel like a bit of an oddball out. The rest of them lead this poly life and have careers and lives. I am a mono with barely a part time job and often feel like I am letting everyone down. I have even suggested they invite in a third woman so that they can have a quad with this mono on the side. That way they get what they want and I can be there when DH is ready for me. I knw that would be hard and hurt for awhile but at least I wouldn't feel like I was disappointing the entire group.

There is talk of of all of us moving away together. And that excites me. At first it was them talking and wave of horrible sadness washed ove me. Then they all started talking about how we need to do it together and I got excited. My only worry is loosing my DH in the process. I just don't want him to value me any less for not being a career woman. But at the same time I don't want to loose this family that we have built.

I am so confused right now. I know eithe way would be hard and there will be difficulties and hurt both ways. But I think I would rathr all of us move together. That way I get my best friend. DH and J get to stay together and I don't have to worry about that hurt again. My daughter stays with all the friends she loves so much. I just have to get myself back on a good track so everyone can relax around me. But the more they tell me I'm not ok when I am trying to get there the more frustrating it is. I know that I will be ok. I just need a chance to prove to them and myself I can do it, even if I am mono.
It doesn't sound like you are ready to move in and leave your own house. Maybe you shouldn't then? At least you have somewhere to go if this doesn't work. What's the rush anyways? This is all new no? Like not even a year old yet?
Yay, Yay, Yah

I am so pleased you are back. I have really missed you and thought about you a lot but respected that you wanted some space. Please don't go away again.

The rest of them lead this poly life and have careers and lives.

Didn't Js husband have big problems with her relationship initially? Is he able to be of some help?

often feel like I am letting everyone down. I have even suggested they invite in a third woman so that they can have a quad with this mono on the side.

Don't do this it would totally escalate further all your insecurities and jealousies. This sort of thinking sounds like a cry for help to me. You are you and you have every right to be loved and accepted as they do. More often than not I find my own lessons reflected in poly. These sort of feelings are probably telling you that you need to accept and appreciate yourself a lot more. Maybe instead of being so tied up with them you could be doing something for yourself that makes your heart sing? While on one level you love being around them it is probably adding to your continual comparisons of yourself.

And what the hell is this thing about them telling you that you're not OK? That makes me angry. Yes you should have been back here before now. There is lots of work to do.

Join up with the poly/mono group on Yahoo groups. There is a really interesting quote someone has posted about being your SO's priority rather than just an option.

Smiles for you
feeling better today

I am doing better today. Dh. And I are headed to vacation with his family. I'm already missing j and her family. But we will be back in a week.

J's husband and I have done some talking on our own and he has been alot more involved since the beginning. We have even packed up all the kids for a funtrip to an amusement park. We watch each others kids. Everyone seems to get along pretty well. We have our fallouts. But who doesn't.

I think I need to carify them saying I'm not ok. I think its more that they I know I get more sensitive than the rest of them because I came in to this not by choice and dh and I had not been getting along. For a very long time before this. Its more of she is struggling and not ok emotionally to handle whatever is happening at the time. I just like it when someone hears me when I say I will be ok and keep doing whatever.

Getting back here has helped already. After yet another tiff with dh this morning I finally figured out why I'm so grumpy lately. I'm a little sexually frustrated. Our sex life is close to non existent lately But hopefully I can fix that tonight. Lol. That is all for now. I will probably type more tomorrow. Today I am Good. Just really missing home already. Dh is driving right now so it was a Good time to get This done.

OK...I don't usually do this, but there are some things in this post that I want to clarify. As to the comment that AK isn't ready to leave her own home...we are not talking about moving in together...we are talking about moving to a different location together. We will still have separate houses. Although the majority of our time, even now, is spent as a family unit with all four of us and our kids all together.

As for the "she's not ok" comment - none of us are EVER telling her there is something wrong with her. We each love her - in our own ways - for who she is! Her comment is referencing the fact that we worry about her and making sure that she has what she needs to be ok, not that we think there is something wrong with her, just that we want to make sure she is in a good place emotionally.

I have made my steps to stop questioning her when she tells me that she is doing stop overanalyzing every look and touch and to stop reading in to everything she says. It has been so much a part of what her DH and I have done though, it's hard to stop. I just hope she can be patient with me. Once I make the transition - we can start working on getting our husbands to do the same.

As for her suggesting us adding another woman...none of us want that - and we have all expressed that to her. She is what we want - for who she is!

I'm sure there are other things that I wanted to I might be back, but for now...I will sign off and let this place get back to being her sanctuary...

You know I love you, love!

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Thank u for all the clarifications J. I love u. She got it all right on the nose.

Just feeling a little left out and lonely today. Nothing to do with J and her family. Just a little lost as to where I fit into my husbands life at the moment. Has kind of felt like he hasn't had much time for me lately. I have really been in a sexually aggressive mood for awhile now but we don't seem to get anywhere with it. It actually feels like J is there for me more than anyone which I really love and appreciate. I've just realty needed my husband lately and can't seem to catch him long enough for him to see how much I'm struggling with missing him. Again maybe tonight I will get lucky. I just need to focus on handling my problems myself right now. He can't do it for me.
Blogs are generally a place where those who they belong to can come and write about their feelings, thoughts and what events happen in their lives. I am having a bit of a reaction to M writing on your blog ak, denying that your experience of your reality is valid. There is no right or wrong in this. Just different experiences of events and what is going on for you both.

When someone tells another that their version of their reality is not valid it creates doubt for them. Parents tend to do this with children and the doubt that is created, that their experience and gut feels aren't valid, turns them into doubtful adults who follow what others tell them because they believe that other peoples reality is more valuable than their own.

Ak, this is your blog, and you can do with it what you will. If you are okay with M reflecting her feelings and thoughts about what you feel and think on here then that's fine, but I would suggest that the usefulness in blogging will be gone as a result and I would think that eventually you will not bother as you may feel that your privacy is threatened.
You seem to have a lot of doubt already that this is a good relationship dynamic for you ak. Your struggle is evident. That is very valid and I would hope no one is trying to convince you that you should just deal with it and suck it up. Walking through your emotions and getting to the route of what is going on for you will mean that you can discover what needs aren't being met for you. Once you have made a list of those, then you can start being creative about how to get them met and invite the others to help you with that. It would be important to voice what you need, however ludicrous and over the top it might sound. That would be the beginning of negotiating. I hope you continue to blog here to sort stuff out.

M, I totally get that you have a point of view and I am not suggesting that that should not be respected. Perhaps starting your own blog or talking in private with ak would be a better idea than questioning ak's thoughts here. Maybe this should be her space and her place of safety to explore and get feed back from others on HER version of what goes on. I'm assuming that you didn't talk about it with ak before writing here M and perhaps asking permission to respond would be more respectful?

Just a thought from someone witnessing.
Hi Ak

Sorry for any angst I may have caused through mis-understanding your original post. I will try to read more carefully and not jump to conclusions.

This is probably not what you want to hear but I wonder if both yours and DH's relationship with J is getting in the way of your relationship with each other?

You both seem to seek solace in her and this may be hindering you actually dealing with the stuff you have between each other.

Z has a rule for himself that he does not communicate with his SO if things are not right between us. This break of yours might be a good chance for you guys to look at this and maybe change the pattern?
OK, first let me say that I have not posted very often because I do feel this is her way of getting things out in a way that is very healthy and has been very helpful for her. And you will find that I have actually said that more than once. I also did tell her that I was going to respond before I did, and got her ok before I sat down to the computer.

As for my clarifications, I was not telling her that her perceptions of things was wrong - I never have and I never will. There have been so many nights that I have either sat with her in my arms or via text and talked through her feelings in an effort to be as supportive of her insecurities as I can. Because believe it or not, because of my past - I understand almost exactly what she is going through.

The point of the clarifications that I made was not to tell her that she was wrong - it was to point out that some of the people reading it were reading more into it than was actually there. Things like "they tell me I'm not ok" were taken to mean that we were telling her that there was something wrong with her, when in fact we were simply trying to make sure she didn't need anything else from us. AK will tell you that she doesn't edit her posts at all, because she wants to get things out in a way that is almost stream of consciousness...and I think it's great. But because of that - sometimes people read into the posts things that aren't there.

As for my relationship with each of them getting in the way of their relationship with each other...I have offered on multiple occassions to take a step back and if they are with each other - I do not contact them. I wait for them to contact me, because that is their space. If they are in the middle of a disagreement, I intentionally don't ask what it is about and don't take sides if they talk to me. I am here simply to listen if they want to talk.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone. But given that I have intentionally left this as her space, it means that you get one side of the story and for the first time today - I won't sit back and be attacked.


I'm sorry you felt attacked it was certainly not my intention and I'm sure it was not Rp's either.

If you note in my post I said that I think they may be "seeking" solace in you, not that you are intentionally barging in with it. When you're in pain and the one that you're struggling with is causing you the pain it is so much easier to convince yourself you are getting help from a more comforting source. If you read Ak's last post she says that you are "there for her more than anyone".

I'm sure you are being there with the best of intentions I am just posing the question "is it getting in the way of them sorting their stuff?" Is DH able to be distant with Ak because he has you to go to instead? Should she be talking to him rather than you? Only you guys know the answers to this stuff.

To paraphrase, she also seems to be saying that you guys are overly concerned about her being able to handle things. If you note, she was quite capable of making the earlier clarifications herself.

Surely this is one of the functions of this forum, to help people look at their stuff and hopefully gain some clarity as a result?
I am well aware that AK is perfectly capable of making the clarifications on her own, but given that she and her DH are out of town and I didn't know when she was going to be able to post, I thought that I would make them for her.

AK and I have talked quite a bit about this forum since this all started - and although she has encouraged me to post as much as I feel I need to, I have refrained because as I have often told her and her DH - this is her place and she shouldn't have to feel like she has to edit her posts to protect my feelings or feel as if she will have to defend her feelings or her opinions. She knows that I read each post she makes and I talk to her about them if there is anything that comes up that either of us feels needs to be discussed - but I don't post because this is her space.

And now we're back to the whole me keeping them from dealing with their issues. Neither of them talk to me about anything that is going on until they have discussed it with each other. If my DH and I are having problems, although I tend to turn to AK for support - I do not discuss the actual issues, and they maintain that same theory. I am not a part of their relationship with each other and that is how it should be. They deal with their issues on their own, I am just here as support for them. And they are both very well aware of that.

I will say again that I think this forum has been very helpful for AK, and I don't want to take it away from her. But given the reception to my post - I will go back to reading her posts and discussing them with her on my own time.

She has read all of this and I am sure she will respond as soon as she has the ability to do it.

Ready Set Clarify

Ok everyone,

First of all thank you for your comments and concerns. Let me start by saying J is my one I turn to for just about everything right now. I turn to DH as well but especially J. I can't imagine life without her anymore and every clarification here has been thru and thru true and I have agreed with them because I agree with them.

DH and I had alot of talking going on last night. We are talking deep conversation. And I learned some things about myself that I didn't realize and I knew more than ever I needed to get back on this site and work with my feelings and how to handle it all. I have put way to much pressure on him. I wasn't recognizing his needs with J and being selfish and I knew this subconsciously but instead of working through this, showing compersion and looking at myself I expected him to fix everything. He needed his time with her and I wasn't giving it to him. So after hours of talking we came to some conclusions. And I am happy with those. This is the best I have felt about my marriage in awhile.

Time management is a big topic on this board. One that I have not been willing to share. Compersion is something I need to work on. And he has been resenting me for being so selfish. He has reassured me over and over again he loves us both. I am his wife and he will do whatever he can to help me. But I was making this extremely difficult for him to lead his life by my constant jealousies and insecurities. And I listened really hard last night. And we are doing so much better today because we were able to understand each other. It has been so easy to blame him for everything and not take on my feelings myself.

He finally agreed with me that this site is good for me. He use to fight me tooth and nail about it. But last night he realized that it was when I stopped going here to make him more comfortable that I started struggling again. I started loosing sight of things and I started being constantly jealous and unhappy with this life. So he not only said he was ok with me being on here but he encouraged that I continue to come here so I can grow and be happy.

As for J being on here as well I encourage it. I want her here with me. She is a pillar of strength for me. She doesn't have to ask my permission but always does. I want her to feel free to post where ever and whatever she wants and please don't take offense to this anyone but she should never have to be questioned about her motives. She should never have to defend her position. She has done everything possible to help me through this and I love her so much. She is welcome to say anything she wants. I don't feel like she is taking away this site from me. I stopped coming here because DH felt I was not talking to him. Not because of her. If nothing else she has continued to encourage me to come here for help and she is right.

I want her to know I love her and without her I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. I have known some other OSOs and she is a saint and I couldn't have asked for better. I can't loose her and neither can DH.

We practically live together right now which I do enjoy. Our families seem to work well together. And I want to move with them because I know DH and I are too afraid of loosing them and wouldn't know what to do if that happened. So we are one unit now going together and working through our insecurities as they come along.

Please don't give up on us now J.
I am not giving up on us...on any of us! I am just going back to staying off this board other than to read your posts.

You know I love you and I am extremely excited about the move and making our new life together truly as one unit.

I am not going anywhere until you tell me you want me gone.

As for J being on here as well I encourage it. I want her here with me. She is a pillar of strength for me. She doesn't have to ask my permission but always does. I want her to feel free to post where ever and whatever she wants and please don't take offense to this anyone but she should never have to be questioned about her motives. She should never have to defend her position. She has done everything possible to help me through this and I love her so much. She is welcome to say anything she wants. I don't feel like she is taking away this site from me. I stopped coming here because DH felt I was not talking to him. Not because of her. If nothing else she has continued to encourage me to come here for help and she is right.

Point taken, thank you for saying so.

None of us know what goes on in your lives, as we are not there. Any question of someone speaking for another or attempting to seemingly devalue what they say on here is because that is all we know, because it is all that is written and I for one am protective of people I have talked to for some time on here. I am going to ask if what I am reading is okay with the OP and question the motive of the poster; especially on an OP's blog!

I'm sorry if that offended. It was not meant to be offensive, just protective. But I would guess that you would do the same thing in my position michelleandray.

I am just going back to staying off this board other than to read your posts.

Well that's too bad, cause there is a lot of great insight here and you might learn something and pass on what you know also. Really, all of you might benefit and find that you also have a lot to offer in return.

Ak has written some insightful stuff here and she has friends here... we aren't all just some words on a website... we are all going through similar stuff. There is room for everyone and I by no means meant to suggest that you were not welcome to participate michelleandray. I was only questioning your participating in terms of what seemed to me to be de-valuing what is going on for AK. nothing more.
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A note from vacation

So lets see if we can catch ourselves up to speed here.

I am pretty much mono although J and I have come very close. We consider ourselves girlfriends and love each other although it is on such a different level and different kind of love that I have for my husband or she has for my DH or her own DH.

She and my DH are very much in love and are together. She is also with her DH. I am with my DH alone in male/female aspect and will only be with my DH. She is very content and complete with these two men in her life. I have no interest in expanding my relationships beyond my DH other than what I have with J. I am monogamous. I still feel this is the best way to describe myself. Even when J and I are togther it is only when DH is around.

DH and J are both poly. They are together whether someone else is there or not and also have their spouses as well. I will not approach the subject of J's DH out of respect for his privacy. I will simply state that he has become a very important part of this whole equation.

We are planning to work as a unit together and temporarily live together while we prepare to move. Granted I am extremely nervous and scared but for the sake of making sure we go back to school and lead career s that we need to I know that this is the best action right now and have to have faith that everything wll be ok.

DH and I are loosing our place to live right now. DH badly wants to go back to school. I know if we sign a lease he will never take that step and I fear it will eat at him and in return eat at us and our marriage. This way we can all work together and get where we want to go.

I don't know if this is the best idea. But I do know the pros out way the cons and I am trying to approach all of this with blind faith that I will not loose my husband and that we will be happier in the end. I have to trust that he and I will work through this together. That I will not be left behind or devalued for being just the boring wife. I have to work very hard with my insecurities and jealousies so as not to destroy everything. I love my family and this unit we have built. And I love him more than words can describe. And yes I am scared shitless.

Hey everyone,

Sorry it has been awhile. It has been a crazy week. We have moved into our new home with J and M. We have already had our fair share of jealousies and disagreements but with communication hopefully we can work it all out.

J and DH went on a date on Friday. They were pretty nervous as this was their first date really where it was dinner and activity that didn't involve me or M. But I think I handled things pretty well.

The kids are adjusting wonderfully. We are all still finding our roles in all of this. I am still very nervous and at the moment very concerned at how well we are all going to get through any hardships that come our way.

M and I are finding some common ground very well, especially since it is our spouses that have been the ones to fall in love. Right now I am just going to keep pushing through and pray all works out well.

I know this is a short update but I only managed to get a few minutes to get on here and talk in the last few nights. I hope all is well for others. Thanks.

Oh and any advice about combining families like this and dealing with insecurities, communication and basically anthing else is welcome.
pillow talk

Why is this pillow talk. Because one of the things I do when my husband goes out of town is lay in our bed holding his favorite pillow Which is what I am doing now. It usually takes me a little longer to get out of bed and I know that's pathetic. He has only been gone a couple of hours. We use to be separated months at a time. One time for a year because of school or.internships. but its never easy for me. I always cry and hold his pillow tight. He will be back in a couple of days and my daughter will be all giggles And I will be ecstatic.

Its been a long weekend. I have been reading g thru some of LR's advice to KT on her blog. They were some Good words. I've been pitting them to my own life and how there are so many new things going on. Its all hitting a little harder this morning. Here in a few minutes I will wipe the tears and take a deep breath and keep.going. I know people need me right now and I like that. This is the first time I've had to collect myseld and.really just let it all hit. (Sorry for the typos. I'm doing this from my phone) I have walked thru this house the last couple of days wondering how I am still going and all I can think is God is truly carrying me right now. And I give all credit to Him. Because I should have crumbled days agile.

But my family needs me. All of them. And I now I hear little feet so now I must go. Thanks for listening.
Hi Ak

I read this post this morning while I was rushing out to work and I had a little cry. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say but it was one of those posts that drops down and starts growing thoughts throughout the day.

I feel the same way when Z goes away. It's worse when he's with J but that's not really the point. I hope KT reads this because I think there is a commonality amongst us emotional monos.

I started thinking that maybe what our relationships are telling us is that we need to learn how to love ourselves better. I know I find loving Z and caring about his needs easier than loving myself and prioritizing my own needs. I have been thinking about this a bit lately. I even resurrected my old blog http: // and wrote a post called "11 Ways I Can Love Myself More"

Poly people give and receive intimate love from more than one source. We only have ourselves and our partners so both relationships need to be in tip top conditions.

He'll be back soon. In the meantime how many ways can you come up with to love yourself better?