The Blog of the Mono Wife

AK - I too choked up when I read your blog yesterday because I know exactly how you are feeling! 2Rings doesn't travel for work - but when he stays out overnight with his g/f, I do the same thing you do - I sleep hugging his pillow and wearing a t-shirt of his. It makes me feel close to him. You feel the way you feel and there's nothing wrong with it and it's not pathetic! You are entitled to feel the way you do - you've been going through a lot the last few weeks. As long as you can dry your eyes, pick yourself up and be there for those that need you and for yourself - then you'll be fine. Text me if you need to - I'm always here for you!

Sage - you are exactly right! I don't like myself, I don't take care of myself and I put everyones needs and wants before mine. It took me a long time to realize just how damaging that is to my self-esteem and in turn to our marriage. Who I am was so wrapped up in my husband that when he fell in love with someone else - I took it all very personally and felt a lot of guilt and pain.

I read your blog (AK - I hope you will too) and agree with everything you say. It's time to give myself the ok to put my needs first occasionally and to do things that will make me a happy, positive person. When I can do that - I will be a better wife and Mother.

AK - you have blogged in the past about feeling inadequate because you aren't working and the other three are. I think you should take Sage's advice and make a list of the things you can do to make you love yourself better. I would also suggest that you make a list of the ways that you contribute to your family. I am going to do the same today.

Hang in there sweetie!

Thanks Sage!
Life is crazy, but what can you do

Hey there folks. So life has been full speed ahead since we have moved into our new home. I find myself completely exhausted at times and forget to even get on the board to update what is going on.

It has been a rough transition but I think we are all finding our strides. The kids are loving having new people to play with. And our move to go back to school is in full swing. My husband has applied to his prerequisite program at WVU. J is preparing for law school. I am apparently going to be opening a restaurant someday although I have no idea what I would serve.

There have been alot of insecurities that we have all had to work through. Jealousies have been flying around here. But communication and complete and utter and quite often uncomfortable honesty has been a must have. I have found that I am more blunt now than I have ever been in the past several months. There have been questions and worries that have popped up and the only thing I have been able to do is deal with the directly by going to the source, DH and J.

J and I are actually sitting here right now taking a break from the housework and chatting. DH is off on a whitewater rafting trip. J's DH is at work. The kids are in bed. And we have been going non stop since about 7 this morning. The quiet of the night is settling in and right now we are trying to find the energy to put the finishing touches on our chores. Whew.

I know there is so much more to talk about. But it is late and The kids will be up again in only 8.5 hours! Whew again. Thanks everyone.
Frustrations and Dreams

How can one go along just fine for weeks, even months and then bam hit a brick wall. I have been crying nonstop all day. And I don't know why really. My stress level has hit sky high. It has just felt like lately I have been trying with all I have to make sure people feel taken care and listened to. And I have been working very hard at taking everything I have learned about polyamory and putting it to use but with no success. I try compersion and no one wants it. I try communications and people would rather talk to others about what is wrong than the person they are having the problem with. I understand needing to vent and I am always here to be a shoulder but I am pretty sure I have learned on this board that in the end open communication is the key to any good open relationship. And secrets have no place, they just cause tension and hurt. J reads up on all this stuff just fine. But I wish the guys would keep up just as much.
I understand if someone did research before. But refresher courses never hurt. Isn't this how we learn to manage how we feel and to learn to forgive each other and find ways to continue to love each other. Isn't the whole point of polyamory to let love grow and evolve. So why does it have to involve so much pain and misunderstandings and fights and oh good grief I don't know what else.
I was brought into a world I didn't want. I never asked to be involved in a polyamorous relationship. It was decided for me. But instead of walking away I stayed and I learned and I opened my mind and made myself extremely vulnerable. I have come to accept this life and love the people who are in it don't get me wrong. But now it feels like I am the only one doing the talking and pushing to keep things together. I know deep down this isn't true but I look around me and I see people walking away from each other. I see frustrations and headphones and smoking and insecurities not being worded correctly but instead hurting people when they are explained. Ugh!

Ok I know I am stressed here. I have been working non stop all week. I miss my daughter like crazy. I feel like I am loosing all of my family, my husband and J and her family. I feel like I am loosing myself. I am constantly worried about everyone and I know I know, I need to worry about myself but that is not who I am. If I am not worried about the people in my life I get scared about what happens if I don't worry about them, are they going to think I don't care anymore. Its a frustrating cycle. Plus I am getting over a cold amongst other issues.

When I get completely overwhelmed I have nightmares. Sometimes, and this is a rare occasion, but sometimes I end up in such a bad nightmare my husband has to wake me up. So I am going to share my nightmare from last night because I can't get it off my mind and maybe typing it out will help.

"DH and I are standing on opposite sides of a balance beam looking at each other. He is smoking a cigarette. (He doesn't smoke in real life and neither do I.) Then J walks up to stand beside the balance beam, also smoking. (She does smoke in real life.) Then the rest of her family walks up and surrounds us, all smoking. Including her kids who are all young (none of them smoke in real life). I notice the only one missing is my two year old daughter. And I start looking around for her frantically. I can't seem to find her. And then a cloud of smoke starts rising around me and it becomes very hard to see. Next thing I knew I loose my balance and start falling into nothingness screaming while everyone is just watching me fall. I knew I needed to wake up but couldn't. That was when my DH had to pull me awake because I was having a fit."

Any dream interpreters have at it. I am sure it is a fun one for you Freudian fans out there.

I just am owning it up to my stress has hit breaking point. But I know me. My worries won't stop here. I am just frustrated and am trying so hard to make sure my loved ones know how much I care about them.

J and I have talked alot of this through today. She has already confirmed that they are all working on everything just as hard as I am and I know that they are. I am just feeling well like I have lost my balance right now. I do this sometimes. And here once I am over this I will be fine again. I just hate these times. I feel like I am letting every one down and risking loosing everyone and every thing when I hit bottom like this.
Hi Ak

Really sorry you're feeling the way you are. Dreams like the one you had can be a significant indication that things are indeed out of balance. I know when my marriage was breaking up I had some real doozies that had a similar feel to yours. One in which I wasn't sure if I was awake or still dreaming it took me a while before I could get myself out of the dream state. I'm not saying your marriage is breaking down, only that there may be similarities in the stress levels that bring on this kind of dream. Please be careful, I have always been worried about the turn your life has taken.

You have told us a lot about how you're feeling but apart from being ill and tired nothing about the triggers. Unless you share some of these we can't really be of too much help except to say that you have lots of friends on here that think of you fondly and want to see you happy and peaceful.
Drive Home

DH and I had alot of time to talk today on the way home from a football game. He asked me if it would be ok if he could have a whole night with just him and J. I was very happy that he felt he could be that open with me. And of course I said yes. I was just glad that he could come right out and ask me. We aren't sure when but I know he wants a chance at that so he doesnt feel rushed when he is with her. Its always a hard topic but I also recognize their relationship. I always said if I am going to do this polyamory thing I am going to see it through all the way and I am not going to half ass anything. That means I have to recognize other peoples needs and wants.

We also talked about many other hard things. Such as any wants and needs that aren't being met. There were some things in there that took some hard listening. But I would rather get them out in the open rather than keep them tucked in, worried about hurting the other person. I never want to feel like I am guilting him into being with me. It is something I am trying very hard at.

Tomorrow night I have already told him I have plenty to do outside the house so he and J will have time. It will not be the whole night because I have work in the morning. That will be a weekend thing. But since he and I are going out of town next weekend this will give them some time before we leave. And I am happy to do it. I have no doubt that keeping up their relationship has been harder than usual since we moved in. They are both trying so hard at keeping their spouses from going off the deep end with jealousy they haven't had a whole lot of time to focus on their love. And that was one of the big points we talked about.

I am off for now. TTFN.
Until We Meet Again

This has been an incredible journey. Right now I am in a very heavy spiral but I just feel I need to step away from the site for awhile. This is my own decision and no one else has made this for me. I think I am putting too much on the things and advice and ideas that are put out here thinking that poly life is glamorous and full of happiness and love. Right now not so much. I am tired of hurting people I care about because they have to deal with my mono oriented mind. I have given all I can think of to the people I love and the solution seems to to be to ignore how they feel about each other like that won't cause even more pain. I can't be the one to cause that kind of pain. I love DH and J with everything that I have but my words here and out loud and my face expressions cause them pain and I hate that. So for now I am stepping out of the forum for a little while. I need to work out some issues on my own.
For the record I am not bowing out of any of my relationships. Just the forum for awhile. I wish you all well. And hopefully we can work through our problems. I will still look around here and probably post again eventually. But not for awhile. I just need to step back and see what I can do for my family. That is the only way I know to feel better. I can't feel better in this self pity journey I am on. So hopefully if I step back and wait and listen my family will know I am here to support them and that in the end will make me happy as well. So until we meet again my friends. Thank you.