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The journey to myself
- Thread starter Tinwen
- Start date
I wrote a really depressed post yesterday and deleted it. Let me blog about something more fun and more poly! I wanted to write about this in August, but the kids' debate was going on, so I didn't, so here you go.
I had a really out-of-this-world rope session.
I had been deeply involved with shibari community before, but in the past few years my bdsm preferences have changed to the point where I was no longer sure I'm even into it. As I started working in another city, I decided to see the local shibari place and went to a jam. At the end, I approached the most gentle rigger in the room - I just liked how he built up his floor work, no suspension, lots of attention. In my masochistic past, I might have found his style boring, because he's not pushing limits, but I decided to give it a try.
We struggled to find a time to meet for a very long time (I wasn't in the city where I work all that much, and I cancelled once for illness), but he didn't give up on me, and we finally met end of July three time - once for a walk, and twice for tying.
The first time meeting for ropes I was quite nervous, excited too, but as soon as we started I was able to let go and experience a feeling of happiness and safety. Not just that - I touched profound and surprising depth. For a moment at least, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind, I was feeling pure bliss. It was one of those moments no words can capture.
When we untied I noticed I was still in a meditative-like state of altered consciousness, when thoughts are minimal and colors are more colorful
I was very lucky the rigger handled this well.
The second session was "just a normal session", no extraordinary state of consciousness, but still very nice. I'm happy to have found someone who can be trusted. He also happens to teach physics (at a different uni!), which is a fun coincidence since I really chose him without any conversation at all.
He's married with kids and much older, so no, I'm not taking that to any deep relationship-y level. Time and health don't permit it anyway, with me being ill almost non-stop for the past two months we haven't managed to meet again Sigh.
I spent some time wondering how a peak experience like this came about. It wasn't the riggers skill, this was about me, although he contributed greatly with his caring attitude.
I haven't tied with many men (I'm kind of a monogamish exception in the community), haven't had a rope relationship besides Idealist, but some of the short one-off sessions I did? I've had extraordinary experiences. So there is something about the quality of trust I can give for the first time. A profoundly true illusion.
Also, there's something I've heard a tantric teacher say to someone who experienced blissful states of mind in meditation: they don't last, because they are a reward for work done. I think to approach someone I had to overcome a personal limitation, and this was my reward.
This experience was important to me. It has confirmed that, while I don't desire the combination of excitement and pain as much as I did, I'm still into rope. The memory has faded quite a bit already, but I still want to cherish it and add it to my 'golden collection' of altered states of mind.
I had a really out-of-this-world rope session.
I had been deeply involved with shibari community before, but in the past few years my bdsm preferences have changed to the point where I was no longer sure I'm even into it. As I started working in another city, I decided to see the local shibari place and went to a jam. At the end, I approached the most gentle rigger in the room - I just liked how he built up his floor work, no suspension, lots of attention. In my masochistic past, I might have found his style boring, because he's not pushing limits, but I decided to give it a try.
We struggled to find a time to meet for a very long time (I wasn't in the city where I work all that much, and I cancelled once for illness), but he didn't give up on me, and we finally met end of July three time - once for a walk, and twice for tying.
The first time meeting for ropes I was quite nervous, excited too, but as soon as we started I was able to let go and experience a feeling of happiness and safety. Not just that - I touched profound and surprising depth. For a moment at least, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind, I was feeling pure bliss. It was one of those moments no words can capture.
When we untied I noticed I was still in a meditative-like state of altered consciousness, when thoughts are minimal and colors are more colorful
I was very lucky the rigger handled this well.
The second session was "just a normal session", no extraordinary state of consciousness, but still very nice. I'm happy to have found someone who can be trusted. He also happens to teach physics (at a different uni!), which is a fun coincidence since I really chose him without any conversation at all.
He's married with kids and much older, so no, I'm not taking that to any deep relationship-y level. Time and health don't permit it anyway, with me being ill almost non-stop for the past two months we haven't managed to meet again
Sigh.I spent some time wondering how a peak experience like this came about. It wasn't the riggers skill, this was about me, although he contributed greatly with his caring attitude.
I haven't tied with many men (I'm kind of a monogamish exception in the community), haven't had a rope relationship besides Idealist, but some of the short one-off sessions I did? I've had extraordinary experiences. So there is something about the quality of trust I can give for the first time. A profoundly true illusion.
Also, there's something I've heard a tantric teacher say to someone who experienced blissful states of mind in meditation: they don't last, because they are a reward for work done. I think to approach someone I had to overcome a personal limitation, and this was my reward.
This experience was important to me. It has confirmed that, while I don't desire the combination of excitement and pain as much as I did, I'm still into rope. The memory has faded quite a bit already, but I still want to cherish it and add it to my 'golden collection' of altered states of mind.
To keep the positive tone, ChatGPT (or another AI, I'm sure) is being really a huge help with coding. Basic text-file handling and graph creation? It can be trusted to write code that just works. I can't say the same about my own tries , but when I do write something? It will correct my syntax.
I will even be able to correctly apply non-trivial concepts. Like that time my few lines of code ran fine in the command line, but failed as soon as I put them into a text file and ran them as a script. It told me the script is being run in a subshell and I have to load the right module (something like this). I wouldn't know how to google such a thing!
Learning IT was always so fucking frustrating for me that it became an insurmountable obstacle. I didn't get any good basics from anywhere and I didn't know how to overcome the problems I encountered. Having AI to consult is really a huge relief.
, but when I do write something? It will correct my syntax.I will even be able to correctly apply non-trivial concepts. Like that time my few lines of code ran fine in the command line, but failed as soon as I put them into a text file and ran them as a script. It told me the script is being run in a subshell and I have to load the right module (something like this). I wouldn't know how to google such a thing!
Learning IT was always so fucking frustrating for me that it became an insurmountable obstacle. I didn't get any good basics from anywhere and I didn't know how to overcome the problems I encountered. Having AI to consult is really a huge relief.
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