The Poly Date Scene as a Female

clemenC

Member
Whenever I consider the option to just go out and date (whilst being involved with my current partner, who has another partner) I keep anticipating a terrible experience.

I'm really hoping females (male input is appreciated but for obvious reasons, I'm hoping for female perspective) as to what is it like?

In my mind I think, if I go out there as a polyamorous woman, 3/4 of the men are going to be just looking for casual sex. I am one of those SLOW people. I can't do it before I'm comfortable and I've never been comfortable in less than 3 months (aside from the current mental connection with my current partner).

This is just gonna suck ....

So please, if you are comfortable, please share any experiences (advice and/or tips) as to how a female puts herself out there in the poly scene.

* not that I want to do this, but in the event I end up veering in that direction .. I'm in need of more information on what I'll be walking into ...

THANK YOU in Advance!!! :)
 
For me, I find that men tend to assume that because I'm poly, I'll sleep with them. Which is not true, of course. I am discerning.

I am like you, I need time to build a relationship. I have had to explain to men on more than one occasion that just because I can have sex with them, doesn't mean I will have sex with them.

I've had just as hard a time finding dates as any poly guy, I feel. Some men practically run the other direction when they hear "polyamory", "open-relationship", "non-monogamy" or any other version of "I have a partner". Others do not even bat an eyelash, and just accept it at face value, with no concern.

I have actually had more success meeting men at parties where my partner is present than anywhere else. After chatting for a while and getting to the boyfriend question, I point him out and explain that we are poly. They either run, or they don't (and if they don't that is a great sign, things usually go great from there hehe)

I have tried online but it's just not for me. Lots of poly people have success with OKCupid and other dating sites.
 
Hi clemenC,

The main thing I know is that many women get a lot of junk-grade messages on OKCupid from guys who are messaging everything that moves. They're not all like that, but if you use OKC, you'll have to be patient and block a lot of guys before someone decent messages you.

I think in general women get a greater quantity of bites than men do, but the quality is about the same. Hang in there, keep looking and don't let the jerks scare you away.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have found that online, and in very intentional "dating scenes" that people have this preconceived idea of what they want, and they are looking to smoosh a person into that framework. And that the more try-and-fail a person does with dating, especially online dating, the more detailed that sketched up framework becomes, until they expect you to fit what is practically this entire idealized concept that they can completely describe as "what I'm looking for."

Men and women both.

A man might want an attractive woman that he can conduct a conversation with, who is a freak in the sheets and has sex by date 3, but will be faithful and have his babies and respect his momma, who works full time and doesn't depend on him to support her, and who is optimally 420 friendly and will play Xbox with him. Height/weight proportionate with curves, and preferably a redhead.

I've seen it.

A woman might want...ok, let's go with the accumulation of silliness I'd built up in hopes of what I was looking for in dating, it's ridiculous...

A man who is late 40's to 60 in age, who need not be wealthy but lives decently within his means (in other words, not a mess, not struggling, even if his home/car is modest and he's frugal, that's fine.) He must not be addicted to drugs or alcohol. He must have his hair still, it's my one point of particular looks-vanity. He must be sociable and willing to be part of the kink community, and sexually sadistic. Musical talent is a huge plus, and I prefer bassists. Must be intelligent and articulate and confident, preferably kind of nerdy. Must have compatible musical taste to mine. Things that DON'T MATTER: Cars/motorcycles, height, weight, size or stamina, or abs...don't show me or tell me about that stuff because I don't care. Most importantly he must be willing to do a relationship that is not marriage/babies/living together...but DOES involve potential for feelings, love, and longevity. I'll want to see him at least twice a week and have sex optimally at least once a week. EDIT: I thought of more things, no joke. Must not only be kinky, but Dominant ish, not effeminate in mannerisms or voice, and not have kids but ok with my kids and my cat. See? Ridiculous!

(Incidentally, Zen fits most of this. I got to know him through the BDSM community.)

...

That's what online dating will do to you. *sigh*

What I much prefer, especially if you're looking to evolve something from friendship to sex over a period of months, is to get into some kind of a social community and make friends...and then let the evolution start and happen organically.

The problem with online, and bars, and so on...people setting out on a mission to date...is that I think men are very sensitive to women "friend-zoning" them. If a woman doesn't show willingness for sex in a certain timeframe, then she is seen as just not being interested/attracted and either taking advantage for free dinners or at least just being nice and leading him on. Women on the other hand, risk if they move too quickly, hoping for a relationship when the guy is just a player out to get some action and then hit the "eject" button and boot her out of his life.

The dating process is a weird mix of fun, and complete pain in the arse.
 
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I've had wonderful dating experiences with poly men that I've met both online and off. "Men" who are not familiar with poly culture do tend to assume that I'm all about casual sex, but actual poly men are (in my experience) cordial, patient and respectful. The focus is very much on spending time together and not on sex. Of course, the more time we spend together, we wind up sharing wonderful sex. Men who truly practice poly and aren't just "down with poly" make wonderful partners because they are about the relationship first and foremost.

As for online dating or poly dating, it's just like any other dating: If you think it's going to suck and be a terrible experience, it will be. I suppose you're trying to change that attitude with this thread, but I really encourage you to think a lot more about what you bring to the table. If you think that you're going to encounter a lot of dating-weary, judgmental or superficial horndogs, you will. Our relationships reflect where we are and how we see ourselves, so the way to change your experience of others is to change what you expect, how you're perceiving things and how you perceive yourself. You never have to just sit back and absorb how others see you. You set the tone for your relationships and for how things evolve.

The dating attitude that really helps me is to begin all relationships (starting with the very first message) with the intention of finding cool people to have fun with. You're much more apt to make genuine connections (that may or may not include romance that progresses) when you're focused on having a fun and interesting time rather than on evaluating people as potential partners. If you're tuned into and true to which people and which intimacies at which time are right for you, and don't get side railed by what-ifs and what's wrongs, you'll find yourself developing some really nice relationships.
 
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