the story of a secondary

FullofLove1052

New member
Happy birthday. I do hope your birthday was incredibly happy and filled with love, laughter, good times and even great sex. :D

As far as FB this soon, I probably would not. Only you know what is best. It seems soon to me. Even without the metamour who works in the sex industry, I probably would not revisit it for a good six months to a year. You have doubts, so you are not entirely sure about it. And you know what, doll? That is perfectly okay. In this day and age, you have to be cautious and safe. Nothing wrong with that at all. Follow your gut and use your best judgement. Good luck!
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Thanks, y'all. :) :) So feeling the love on this forum, it's awesome.

Yesterday. Davis and I spent the day together, went to a cultural event, napped, fucked, had dinner. Very natural, easy, happy. We fell asleep together. I sleep SO soundly with him, whereas I'm restless sleeping with almost anyone else.

Today, a group of us went to the spa, including Gia, Eric, and Bee.

One thing that I really liked was the way Bee moved seamlessly between the three of us. He was shy around everyone else, to a person, but he was constantly calling for Mommy, or for Daddy, or for Anna. It's just so moving, and I have to admit that I like all of our friends seeing that. And I had so much fun chasing after him. :)

Another thing that I really liked was when my friend and I were eating something spicy at one point, and it happened that I didn't have a glass of water. I almost always have water with me, but I had an iced tea, so I wasn't TOO concerned, and I certainly didn't mention anything. Eric got up to get some water for himself, and when he came back he had two glasses in his hands, and gave the other to me. There was so much going on, all sorts of conversations and friends littered about, the baby running around, and he noticed that I needed something without me indicating it in any way. He sees me and my comfort matters to him. It's not like he was ever some completely oblivious ass to me, by any means, but... it's different than it used to be. It may not be love, but it sure as hell feels like something similar. Maybe it just feels like family.

Yet another thing that I really liked was when Gia asked me to rub her shoulders in one of the hot tubs. She used to be so reticent about accepting things like that from me, and now she asks for them without hesitation. I can't begin to say how important and pleasant that shift is. I feel understood and appreciated. Not to mention how enjoyable it was to be in that sort of environment, making her feel good in that way. Mmmm, nice.

A final thing that I really liked was getting dirty/loving texts from Clay in the middle of the day, and then noticing that he posted about me on his tumblr today for the first time and said very nice things about me as a person, talked about our future plans, talked about Izzy being supportive and what a relief that was to him, etc. All of these things that I've fought for with Gia and Eric -- being seen, appreciated, understood -- they come so naturally and completely with him. We communicate and support each other and complement each other and turn each other on in ways that feel so intuitive and natural. I'm used to these things being a struggle, a long process of unfolding and adjusting.

Both types of dynamics are valuable, I'm in NO way saying that my connection with him is worth more than the harder-won connection with Gia. But... wow, it's just such an amazing experience, to have something so rich just fall into one's lap.

Fuck, I'm just so fucking lucky.
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
I'm used to these things being a struggle, a long process of unfolding and adjusting.

So happy for you! This sentence reminded me of my relationships, but in reverse. Things are usually pretty easy for MC and myself (15+ years together), and always have been, but TGIB and I have to work hard at our relationship (3-ish years). It's interesting, though, how working hard with TGIB makes me appreciate my relationship with MC even more, but the hard work ALSO makes me value my relationship with TGIB SO much (except for when I'm frustrated by the hard work, but that's life, right?!). I find it so interesting how that contrast can highlight BOTH in such positive ways!
 

AnnabelMore

New member
So happy for you! This sentence reminded me of my relationships, but in reverse. Things are usually pretty easy for MC and myself (15+ years together), and always have been, but TGIB and I have to work hard at our relationship (3-ish years). It's interesting, though, how working hard with TGIB makes me appreciate my relationship with MC even more, but the hard work ALSO makes me value my relationship with TGIB SO much (except for when I'm frustrated by the hard work, but that's life, right?!). I find it so interesting how that contrast can highlight BOTH in such positive ways!

Yes, this exactly!! I almost took the time to make this exact point myself. :)
 

AnnabelMore

New member
I've been thinking today about the issue of equilibrium within relationships when it comes to time. Not between relationships, as in the oft-discussed topic of balancing time between poly relationships, but within individual relationships. I'm feeling out of equilibrium with regard to the time Clay and I spend together. Sometimes it feels like an ache, sometimes it feels like a weariness, sometimes I forget it for a while only to remember later. I just miss him. :/ It's been four whole days. *dramatic sigh*

Equilibrium: mental or emotional balance, equanimity.

Davis used to feel this way with me. He was always seeking to spend more time with me, while I was always pulling away. Over the course of the last year and a half, and especially recently, we seem to have found equilibrium. Currently we have a once-a-week standing date and occasional meetups outside of that. He seems more satisfied than I remember him seeming back in the day. My impression is that he'd still like to see me a little more, but that this is working for him. I think that he's gotten a little less needy within our relationship, and I've gotten a little more willing to be available.

With Gia, it's been the reverse, I've been the one always aiming for extra time together, and she's been the one always trying to convince me that she just doesn't have it to give. In the last couple of months, my neediness about her has eased significantly. She's also been making more time for me. We have once a month dates, a weekly exercise class that we hit maybe every other week, and other group activities where we spend time together. It's such a relief, not to feel this constant tension in my relationship with her, it makes it so much easier to enjoy the time we have together.

With Clay, it seems like we both are feeling the yearning for more time, but our schedules just seriously do not align well. We may not see each other this week. :( I would settle for just sleeping beside him, just being near him, I don't need a full date. I've left the decision in his hands, he said he'd let me know if he thought there was a doable time. If, in the end, he doesn't, maybe that means he's not feeling the pull towards me as strongly as I am towards him (though judging by his words, at least, he is), or maybe it just means he's pulled in more directions right now than I am (objectively, he really is). Or a combination of both. Whatever the case, it's clear that we're not at that point of equilibrium.

I feel so bad for the new-to-poly people who try dating folks in Clay's situation, who have more than three partners. People who are used to being mono, used to being someone else's whole romantic world, and who suddenly get such a limited slice of time from someone they're feeling NRE with. It's HARD, but at least I have other relationships to focus on, at least I understand how difficult it is to manage this balancing act and can relate.

I wonder how much of my need for him is NRE, chemicals, craving him like an alcoholic craves a drink. When I focus on other things, I'm fine. But I think of him SO much. I'm trying to dial it back so that I don't stress out over it.

I wonder how much of it is just him, him, him. His short, soft, shaggy hair that I run my fingers through and occasionally hold without pulling. His expressive, multi-colored eyes that look at me so warmly and intently. His soft, thin mouth that so frequently kisses mine when our faces get close enough. His hands that caress me and grab me and smack me and hold me tightly. His body, that melds to mine when we're falling asleep together. His self, so busy and multi-faceted and open-minded and vulnerable, so remarkably quick to hear and understand me.

I wish you all could see him through my eyes and know him through my heart. I apologize for how cheesy that sounds.

Equilibrium. I'll be happy when we get there.
 

AnnabelMore

New member
A list of strategies I have tried tonight to deal with missing Clay, and their effectiveness.

1) Have a beer with dinner. Moderately effective. Felt nicely fuzzy and thought about not very much for a while.

2) Eat some pieces of dark chocolate. Very effective, but only while chocolate is being eaten and then very shortly thereafter. May have had a small lasting positive effect on overall mood, hard to tell.

3) Listen to melancholy songs. Depends on how you define effective? I enjoyed listening to them, but I don't think they "helped" per se.

4) Be productive. The most effective! I went grocery shopping with one of my housemates, and then finished a piece of jewelry I'd been working on, and while I was doing each of those things I was wholly focused on them. Good stuff.

5) Message him to let him know I miss him. The opposite of effective, as now I'm just feeling a little sad that I haven't heard back yet.

6) Post here about missing him. Doesn't seem to have any effect, positive or negative as far as I can tell.

7) Masturbate. We'll find out when I go to bed!
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Revision to #5 -- he just wrote me back, and I feel better now. All in all, I'd say that this strategy was worth a shot but is a bit of a crap shoot. If he gets back to me right away it's a winner, if he takes his time but eventually gets in touch it's a draw, and if he hadn't gotten back to me at all tonight it would've been a definite loser.
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Haha, aren't you all just enjoying these riveting details of my deeply fascinating evening. :p
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Very, very, very effective: Read the news. Surefire way to put one's "problems" into perspective. :/
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Masturbation: pretty dang effective, actually. Afterwards, my thoughts drifting, I began a stern conversation with myself.

"Anna," I said, "you've got to cut this moping out. For everyone's sake and for your own most of all. It's getting obnoxious. It's going to end up with you being clingy and weird and seeming desperate, and probably making him feel guilty or pressured. Gross.

Think of all the demands on his time [I listed them out one by one]. That's a LOT for one person. It's not like he picked up all these responsibilities because he didn't care to spend the time on you instead... he had them all when you met him! You *knew* about all this. And yeah, as a consequence there are going to be weeks where your time together is limited or non-existent.

You can deal or not deal. Is this worth it to you? HELL yes, it is! Then deal. Stop obsessing. You'll talk to him soon, and when you do you can see about planning a real date for some time in the next few weeks. But in the meantime, I'd better see an attitude shift. Focus on your life, on your people, and don't wallow."

I actually feel a lot better after that.
 
Better Late Than Never....

Yarrrr! This is what happens when I don't check in on your blog as much as I'd like to... totally missed your Birthday!

Happy Belated!!!

Also enjoying the post-orgasmic lecture, love it.
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Clay and I had a good conversation about communication and scheduling the other day. Basically, I was getting a little freaked out by the way he kept saying he wanted to see me and then, when I'd suggest a time or ask him to do so, kept saying he'd think about it. Reminded me way too much of my ex Ziggy's pattern right before our involvement completely dissolved. I asked if we could have a quick phone conversation about it. Much like Gia, he doesn't like talking on the phone, but he agreed and made time for it right away.

The talk set me completely at ease. We each explained where we were coming from and how we tend to communicate about time, and we established that he will try to be clearer, and that I can feel free to take the initiative on proposing hangouts without ever worrying that I'm imposing on him.

We also determined that it would make a lot of sense for me to hang out with him tonight and help him run an event he's managing. I'll have him all to myself afterwards. And tomorrow night, at a different affair, I might get to see him play with other people... he had seemed a bit hesitant about explaining this, and I was able to set his mind at ease by making it clear that I actually find that idea completely, completely hot, and not jealous-making at all. :D So, it should be a fun couple of days. :)
 

AnnabelMore

New member

AnnabelMore

New member
It was, indeed, a fun couple of days. Clay and I had a wonderful time at the party on Friday night. We did a role play scene in which we pretended that we'd never met before, and that I was offering him sexual favors in order to get into the party. Some really hot sex came out of that, but the fascinating thing about it was the way we began to re-establish a relationship in that new context (we weren't playing characters, just being ourselves in this imaginary scenario).

Thinking about it afterwards, it actually struck me as completely romantic. He was the one who took things in the direction of asking me things like "what are you into? do you have any partners... would you like another?" throughout the course of the scene. It was a little like falling in love all over again. A little like he was making it clear that, no matter how we'd met, he'd still want to form a partnership with me.

It's kind of amazing to think that, through role play, we can meet for the first time, and fall in love for the first time, as many times as we want.

I also got the chance to talk to, and cuddle with, a really cute switch girl later in the evening. She happens to be one of Clay's housemates. No opinion yet on whether or not anything will come of that, but it'd certainly be fun to play with her some time. :D I saw her again, back at their house, when everything was done for the evening. Her room is right across from his. She was changing her shirt, and showed me her brand new nipple piercings.

Clay and I slept soundly, bodies snuggled up against each other. I drove him to work in the morning (he works weekends, bleh), and he bought me breakfast before starting his day. <3

The party on Saturday night was a bit more of a challenge. For once, I wouldn't be his focus, since a couple of his other partners would be there, including one who he doesn't see very often. I wouldn't say that I felt jealous or upset about it per se, but, in the hour or so before it started, I noticed that I was feeling... unsettled.

On top of that, the start to the party was a little awkward. He'd originally asked me to give him a ride to the venue, then told me a half an hour before that he was getting off work early and would just walk and I could meet him there whenever I liked. I went to the venue right away, expecting I'd get there at the same time he did. I messaged him to let him know I'd arrived, and he said that work had kept him until closing after all, so he'd be a few minutes. I took the time to relax my mind, chill out in my car, listen to some music, and remember that he loves me, I love him, and that even if he was paying more attention to other people at the party that wouldn't mean there'd be any reason for me to feel ignored. More than twenty minutes passed, and I was actually getting a little concerned about him. Eventually, someone else I knew showed up, and I went inside with them.

Clay showed up shortly afterwards and Izzy was with him. He mentioned that he and she had run a quick errand. It raised some questions for me. Was the whole thing about leaving work early, then late, really true, or was it just that she'd shown up and he'd decided that he'd rather walk with her than ride with me, and had made something up so that I wouldn't feel ditched?

I thought about asking him, but then decided to just let it be. There was every possibility that the stuff about work HAD been true, and that Izzy showing up had just been a coincidence, or a matter of convenience related to whatever the errand was. Making an issue of it, especially when I actually had liked having the time to myself to relax beforehand, would have just shown a lack of trust and would have been making a mountain out of a molehill. There's also the fact that Izzy is still in a difficult place (for the record, she's doing better lately), and he and I have actually been spending more time together lately than he and she have -- how on earth could I begrudge them a 20-minute walk together? [Edited to add: Really, I just wish he hadn't said he'd be a "few minutes" when he was actually gonna be 20+ minutes. Dear Clay, please learn to be more specific in your communications soon. *sigh* Maybe this is just something I have to learn to live with when it comes to him. There are far, far worse sins, it just happens to be one of my pet peeves.]

As for the party itself, I can say without reservation that he handled it very well, and I didn't feel ignored at all. It helped that there were LOTS of things to do. As kinky parties go, it was actually one of the most fun and dynamic events I've ever been to. I won some... very *interesting* prizes in a raffle. :D Clay didn't end up having sex with anyone, so I didn't get to watch what I'm sure would have been some crazyhot porn, alas. He went home with one of his other partners, and I felt absolutely fine about it.
 
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AnnabelMore

New member
In other news!

Gia was fired on Friday. :/ It's a mixed bag -- the job SUCKED, and she's getting unemployment benefits, so at least she's free of it and can look for something else while not starving in the meantime. Still, that's never a fun situation. I skipped out of work for a couple of hours and got coffee with her after she got the news.

I saw my friend Toby today (Sunday) for the first time in a few months. Toby and I were friends for many years, then friends-with-benefits for a while a few years ago, and then went back to just being friends when he found a girlfriend who wanted to be monogamous. Now he's single, and I'm no longer under any constraints. I hadn't invited him over with any particular thought that we'd hook up, but, as it happens, we did, and oh MAN was that pleasant. *sigh* I'd forgotten how nicely he kisses.

I don't expect I'll be writing about him much, as we're not interested in anything serious with each other, but I'm glad to have this particular form of connection back in my life with this particular person. :)
 

AnnabelMore

New member
This is going to seem like a weirdly trivial thing to post about, but it made me really happy so I thought I'd take a second to share.

Clay and I did some scheduling today via chat -- picked a night this week for a sleepover and set a tentative date for next week. During the course of the conversation he mentioned how much he appreciated the talk we had the week before about how best to approach scheduling. He said that it hadn't really occurred to him before then that he has a pattern of being vague if there's something he doesn't really want to say (in this case, the example being him saying "Maybe, I'll think about it," rather than just "No, I really don't think I have the time, unfortunately" when asked about a weeknight date when he already has too many evenings booked). He said that he was glad for the insight and that he'd feel much more comfortable being direct from now on.

Communication win!
 
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AnnabelMore

New member
You are so inspiring and awesome Annabel.

D'aw, thanks!

Gia actually put it best when it comes to the need for clear, direct communication. When Zed, her crush, was still being vague and weird about whether or not he might return her interest after a YEAR (I would never in my life be that patient, wow), she finally said to him "When you say 'maybe' and then never follow up, it's like being told 'no' every day. Please respect my feelings enough to just say 'no' once if the answer is 'no'".

As it happens, in that case the answer was, in fact, no. He's really into her, but has decided that he just can't do poly. :/
 
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