The story of a secondary...


New member
Hello. This may be long, but I need to know if I am crazy, am I wrong, is my thinking off?so I stumbled into a polyamorous relationship a little over a year ago. I am a lesbian who dated a married woman for one year. This was my first experience in polyamory. Ive never been in a open relationship before. The woman i was with wanted polyfidelity with me. There were times I felt I wanted another girlfriend but she would tell me that i can but if i do our relationship would change and she hoped we could still be friends. That she wouldnt be ok if i were sleeping with others. *I was fine with that the problem arose when i experimented with her husband (which she manipuated) by locking us out of her bedroom while we were drunk, telling me to roll around with him in bed, telling me I am really not a lesbian.. This woman was diagnosed with some psychological problems. BPD and another disorder. I dont know if tat as anything to do with her mood swings.

I loved her husband as a friend, told him this after i ended the drunken, sexual encounters. I began to resent her and him bc it was always the three of us. She and i never had dates alone, she never came to my house. We broke up for 2 weeks in February. We got back together after much discussion. Everything was good, she was making small changes, started telling me how she resented her marriage, how she was embarrassed to admit she is married, identifed as a lesbian but only bi bc of him.*

She would tell me how she wished she and i had a house together so we could buy furniture, cook together. How he is only her best friend and didnt care if they had sex bc she had me. That he doesnt touch her, how in love she was with me..blah blah... Hw she wAnted to live with me part time and with him the other half. She would tell me that the only reason she is poly is because she likes women. She wanted a mono relationship with me. I asked her to stop telling me these things because it wasnt right.

She said these tpes of things constantly. Messed with my head a little. Her hubby drank a lot...i guess he is an alcoholic..would come on to me, make sexual respect...burst in on us having sex...she wanted him to have his own gf...anyway three weeks ago she and i celebrated our one year anniversary. I spent $120 on dinner and another $80 taking her out all night. The week prior she was begging me to go on vacation with her and him.

Two days after our anniversary she broke up with me. Told me when i was ready we could be friends. I was blown away. I was not the kindest. She did this over facebook. I told her no way and other things.

She blocked me on facebook. Wont talk to me(i only contacted once to apologize for not being nice) she ignored me. Week number one I find out she is on okcupid looking for a new girlfriend.
I am soooo hurt, sick, anxious and cant seem to wrap my head around what hapened.
Was the relationship a lie? Did she love me? Ive had breakups before but ths one at 39 years old is the most hurtful i truely loved this woman.*

Its like who is thus person? I was attached to her grandbaby, her family..i was left completely abanndoned, alone....
The last thing she said to me was "you will be alone for the rest of your life." blocked me on facebook and completley ignores me. What reaction did she expect from me 2 days after our anniversary and she breaks up saying lets be friends. I was nice

The woman went from hot to cold with me. I loved her more than anyone i have ever loved in all my life. I am so sick over it. I cant come to terms with what she said and did. I thought she really loved me. I feel so stupid, disposable, like i never mattered. Her last two girlfriends hate her and they were experienced in poly.
She tried to tell me i am not poly. That pisses me off bc I am poly. I was ok with her marriage until she started the husband bashing.
I do need counseling. I feel really messed up, depressed, used, abanonded, confused. Who lets someone spend hundreds of dollars on a one year anniversary then breaks up two days later. That anniversary was special too me.

Poly people need to heal too right? Am i crazy? Is mourning a year relationship in a week normal? Am i not normal bc i am still sick over it

I am really feeling messed up in the head. I am seeking professional help tomorrow.
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Active member
I've known bipolar people and those who have dated them. My impression is that unless they are very proactively managing their condition, it's always going to be the sort of confusing roller coaster you've described above... though honestly, this sounds crazier than most. I don't know about the schizoaffective thing, but that couldn't have helped. Bottom line, it's not you, it's her. It's not poly either, it's *her*. It's not a coincidence that her last two girlfriends hate her.

She was controlling, manipulative, mean, disrespectful, and callous (who breaks up over facebook?). Did she also love you? Maybe. You will never know because you can't be in her head. She may not even know. But in the end, it doesn't matter, because this was not a healthy relationship and you are lucky to be rid of it. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way now, but in time you'll look back and breathe a sigh of relief that you're free.

Don't let her suck you back in if she changes her mind again next week! No one deserves to be treated the way you were. It has nothing to do with poly... I'll say it one more time, it was her.


Someone walks all over you like a door mat, tries to pimp you off to her abusive alcoholic husband, dumps you after draining your wallet, and has a verifiable history of doing this to others. And you think this makes YOU crazy?

I would only call you crazy if you kept going back for more and complaining about it.

By the way, there is a blog thread here with the same title, "the story of a secondary". I hardly think that your story is a typical "story of a secondary". Yours is the story of someone who got involved in an abusive situation where you were told one thing and shown another. Now pull your head out of your whiskey and ice cream and be pissed at HER, not all "what is wrong with ME".

tl;dr This person did you a huge favor by dumping you after you spent $200. That is a very inexpensive lesson in the long run.


New member
She sounds very much like someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Hot and cold, demanding, taking what you say and twisting it up to mean whatever she wants it to mean. I know several people with BPD and none of them have the requisite traits to be successfully poly, IMO. People with BPD have a very rough road, I think, and I'm not trying to put them down. It's just that poly can be complex enough without throwing a mental illness like BPD in the mix.
It is okay to feel betrayed and broken hearted, though. Cry for 3 hours, mope for 3 days, mourn for 3 weeks then get on with your life. When you're ready, put yourself out there and you will find someone more worthy of your self. :)


New member
Thank you. I still feel horrible though. I wasnt on my best behaviour either, but I felt confused and the I love you this week, but next week I am going to completely ignore you started to make me angry and it hurt. One minute she coildnt stand hubby and wanted me. Constantly compaining how boring he is and talked about when he dies you and i can combine households. Typing this and rereading it makes me go what. No wonder I was an emotional wreck everyday. I wasnt unhappy. I was unhappy about hw she dismissed me as a lover and human being. I was constantly at their house which was a 45 min drive. She never came to me. Our date nights consisted of an hour or two of going to the bar then to hangout with hubby who was constantly drunk and aking sexual unwanted comments. The thing that got me was he wouldnt sleep with her unless he is drunk or there was another woman involved. She complained about this constantly.
She also would get weird when someone texted me. There was a girl who liked me, this pissed her off and she wanted to email her about it. Then the next week she would be its ok if you want a gf. Then that would change again.
These are just things I observed.
I was NOT very nice when she broke up with me over facebook. I said some really mean things.
We broke up like 5 times the year we were together. In the early months of our relationship I tryed to walk away because of the "swinger mentality" she and er husband had. She texted me all kinds of crazy stuff, did a little self inflicted things to herself which she tried to hide.
I cant get over her change in demeanor and how I can be so easily discarded. She never owned up to anything. I was constantly in a state of apology bc apparently i always did something wrong. I started standing up for myself and what i wanted near the end.
I am really confused and hurt.


New member
Tomorrow i see a therapist. Oh and did i say she tryed to force a triad. Well manipulated it. I am so messed up in the head. I want a normal poly relationship with someone nice who respects me.
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Work on yourself, respect yourself, be honest with yourself and you'll do fine. This experience is not for nothing. How do you think people are able to give advice about relationships? Because we've all been through stuff. usually the older a person is, the more they've been through, but not always; usually the more a person has been through, the more they have learned, but not always.

Sometimes, it seems as though i am able to travel back in time in my mind and help myself when i was younger. I don't remember if you said your age or anything, but eventually you will hopefully use this experience to make choices in the future and recognize any destructive patterns in yourself, should there be any, that you can change. You don't want to waste your time being miserable for things under your control when you can be satisfied instead. Plenty of things you can't do anything about that can make life suck. Why add to that?