The story of Spork.

Spork

New member
I posted on Facebook about my network stuff. Called to my IT nerd friends to give their input. Got input from a lot of non-nerds with useless suggestions, such as:

- I clearly stated that I was NOT willing to consider moving the router or running Ethernet. One person suggested I move the router or run Ethernet. Shut up, dude.

- Someone posted a link to a product she thought I needed. Turns out it was an Apple router. It does exactly what my Comcast router does, only actually less, as it doesn't have MOCA capability. I do not need a new router, and I loathe all AppleMac-iThingies. With a ferocious passion. But I mentioned that I was doing something WiFi related, so she was like, oh! Routers do that! *sigh* Please, stop...

I may have to wait until my actual IT nerd friends get off work or something, to get some legit input.

EDITED TO ADD: One friend helpfully listed things that, if positioned in between my router and a computer, could interfere with the signal. Things listed: Brick walls, concrete walls, appliances, Walmart. Walmart? Yes, why, I will make sure to get the pesky interfering Walmart out of my living room this very minute, and demolish all the walls in the house while I am at it, and get rid of the appliances for good measure.

They are acting like I would only have one computer in the house. I must have at least a dozen devices using the WiFi. Everything uses the WiFi. There are five computers. They are everywhere. I'm not going to put them all in the same room like a LAN party. My god.
 
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Spork

New member
So, weird morning. Traffic was stopped on a VERY busy street here, like a 6 lane (plus turn lanes) road congested with businesses and a mall on one side, that carries mega heavy rush hour traffic (for this area)...because a herd of mule deer were crossing the road.

I mean, they're a pretty common sight here, just not in a spot like north Academy Blvd.

I was still able to make it to work on time, but only barely.

Had a good weekend. Didn't really go do any social things, stayed home with Zen, even though it didn't snow Friday night as I thought it might. I have no regrets. I was, come down to it, more in the mood for Zen time, than in the mood to be entertained by Supernova, who is a regular at this particular gathering. So instead, lots of fun sexytime with my lover. We soaked the sheets again! It was truly wonderful all around, with one brief moment that hit a jarring note...but easily, to my mind, gotten past.

Just an accidental bad hit during some play, and in fact the strike itself was not really the problem. For a fraction of a second, it felt hurtfully deliberate, like Zen knew he should not hit me exactly there, but he did, and it was that sense that caused me to spook away, it just sort of snapped my headspace like a broken twig. But as soon as I regained rationality, again, we're talking a fraction of a second, I knew it was accidental. Accidents I can easily accept, and no real harm was done. I actually felt bad, within a few seconds I knew that by reacting as I did that the whole mood of what we were doing was kind of lost. From there we both had to reconnect lovingly and come back to an "OK" place with each other. I think we both feel strangely contrite over it. Guess the only reason I'm mentioning that here, is that in retrospect, there is Zen thanking me for not punching him or something? I'd never do that. No, it hit a "no! bad! run away!" panic button in my brain. But only for an instant. When the moment passed I felt terrible, maybe for the fact that I would even imagine that Zen would do me harm on purpose, when I know him and trust him so much better than that. But I feel like...when you play with pain, when you do BDSM things, maybe it is inevitable that one day you will be doing stuff, and it will be fun...and then not, in an instant. And you'll need to recover together, not necessarily "recover" as in heal a physical wound, but recover your emotional equilibrium about it all. As such things go, this was so minor. I am not injured or anything, and I don't feel massively triggered in any way. The bad moment passed in a flash. But it's interesting to consider the nature of such an event and what follows, I guess. Frankly, I feel like my beloved needs more comforting than I do. My Zen is a beautifully sensitive soul. I love him so much.

I was trying to describe to him how it feels to be with him...maybe a contradiction in terms, but I feel at the same time satiated and insatiable. It's comparable to many things that hit one's mental pleasure or reward buttons, I suppose... Like food so delicious that you cannot stop eating it even when you're full, like a nice hot shower, and you feel so good you turn the temperature up just a smidge more even though it's quite hot enough, like music in your car that is making your soul soar, so you turn it up as loud as possible. That sense of, "Oh, god that is wonderful...bigger, louder, MORE..." So I was trying to say this, and Zen says, "Like when you own hundreds of tiny plastic figures, and you want thousands more..."

LOL. Just don't start putting them in my bathtub...

(Reference to this video: https://youtu.be/f5d8pVg3Qtg )
 

Spork

New member
Well, I skipped posting yesterday because I could not think of much to say. Not a lot of eventful things are cropping up in life at the moment. My son is getting his lower wisdom teeth surgically removed under general anesthesia on Friday morning, and his friend-girl said I should get video of him coming out of anesthesia. I guess kids are known to sometimes act kinda wonky and say silly things, and there are vids on Youtube. ?? I just hope it goes well and he's ok. And I'm happy that Old Wolf was able to pay for it, because I sure couldn't. We're going to wait on the upper teeth, get those done another time, since part of the expense is that we're running up against our annual maximums for dental coverage. He's covered (so long as my job or insurance situation doesn't change) until he turns 26, so there is time to get those top wisdom teeth done later.

Once this happens, and after he recovers, we can take him down to Job Corps and get him signed up. I'm not keen to try and put an estimated date on that, I just want him to heal first. And late March, I'm going with Zen to Phoenix to visit his Dad, so Ninja's departure might have to wait until after that, depending on how healing goes. I just want to make sure we're out of the woods and any necessary follow-up is done, before I send him off, so if that means he hangs around here a while, then that's what it means.

I can get frustrated at his behavior, and eager to see him off so that I can get on with some plans for my other kiddo, and so that I can use Ninja's room as storage space, and so on...but the fact remains that his father and I let him down so incredibly hard in his last couple years of "childhood" that I really don't mind paying time and effort back into him now for a while. I feel guilty for leaving him with my ex, when Old Wolf was still in a pretty bad place mentally and emotionally. I know that time was really hard for the boy. But at the same time, I'm not sure how it could have been different, as he wanted to stay at the same school and I think that taking care of his son's basic needs might have really helped Old Wolf cope, insofar as he was coping. Anyhow, here we are, and the past aside, I have to ask myself a question that the owner of Voodoo likes to say, "What is the next right thing?" One step at a time, as it were.

And thankfully I have a discussion group tonight.

I was unaccountably melancholy last night before Zen came home. A sadness, a feeling of being adrift, a longing for something with no real idea exactly what. Of course I queried myself, "wtf is your problem?" I was not thinking of Worm King, I was thinking of family. Maybe. I think I just needed people time, and I didn't really have anything I wanted to go to. There was no reasoning to this state I was in. It was very much emotional with no solid thoughts attached. My attempt to ask myself why, was fleeting, because the easy answer was that I was just feeling a feel and a reason was not necessary. I felt oddly too tired and just...not mentally energetic, to really give it much thought.

I know that lately, I've been a bit bummed out about my family of origin, like I am not being given any news of things. I see stuff on Facebook but no one is thinking to call and share stuff with me. My cousin died, I saw it on Facebook. I called my Dad, he said, "I was thinking of calling you." My little brother's wife is pregnant with their second baby, after a miscarriage, I think last year...no one told me. They told my Mom, and she told me. My Mom is, if anything, traditionally more of a "black sheep" than I am, but they told her. My stepmother won't take or return my calls anymore, and ignores my texts. And I just saw (on Facebook) that her father died. Well, I loved him, too. I tried to call my Dad to pass on my condolences, since she won't talk to me, and he didn't answer or return my call.

My Mom is the only one I am consistently able to connect with, and sometimes I think she must get tired of hearing from me. I don't have anyone else, anymore.

And I haven't had much of anything by way of support or help from any of them, since I became an adult. My brother did, but I didn't.

Now you put this together with the fact that I'm raising two teenage boys who don't always want anything to do with me...and there is a loneliness, just a big, empty sadness, where the love of my family wants to be sometimes.

Like I am really glad that Zen and I can be as tight and connected, even to the point of both of us maybe being kind of clingy to one another, and I'm very glad he is willing to make a point of spending at least a little bit of time together every day, insofar as our wonky work schedules allow us to do. I love him so much. He gives me as much as he possibly can, and that is a lot. I just still feel a little loneliness creeping in around the edges when he's not around, and I think that's some combination of how I feel about my family, and that I haven't had much social time in a while with friends.

My extrovert hasn't been getting fed. I guess.

But I didn't mope around the house for long, I ate some nice hot soup and went to bed, and then Zen came home and crawled in my bed with me, and we went down to his room and had sex, and everything was pretty great. Like he says, "change your brain chemistry."
 
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Spork

New member
I went to the discussion group last night, and it was quite good. Got my people time, gave (I think) some helpful thoughts to a friend or two, and finally talked to Jersey guy about my concerns. He waited until everyone else left, because he was getting a sense I was maybe avoiding him or distancing myself from him, showing up at fewer of Voodoo's events (which I don't think I've been doing THAT much, but apparently he's noticed when I skip things?) and he wondered if he'd been a "fly in the ointment" for Zen and me. I told him that no, I like him and like having him around, and miss things usually for family related reasons, but I have been concerned that his focus and interest in me seemed a bit intense. I worried that I'd given him the wrong idea at the beginning, that while I meant it when I told him I thought he was an attractive man, what I have personally to offer anyone beyond Zen is extremely limited. But it's been a struggle my whole life to find the words to make clear my boundaries, especially with men I think are into me, and especially when I like them and don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel rejected. And I'd been thinking about talking to him, but hadn't found the right time. Mostly if he was hoping that we would end up partnered for something, or something more than friendship would come of our connection, he was wasting energy that could be put to better use exploring more promising options with others.

He said that he did not really have an agenda, and even though he hasn't been getting laid or anything, he's been having the time of his life. He described how much fun he'd been having at the swinger's parties. (I will probably never attend a swinger's party lol) He told me about some of the connections and friendships he'd been making in the community. He said he had a lot of admiration and respect for Zen, he felt he was very wise, especially about relationships and good ways to interact with others, and he's really appreciated some of the things that Zen has said to him.

I also talked to another friend while out smoking, and she was talking about Buddhist and Taoist concepts she's interested in. At one point, she said that Zen was, "The most zen person she knows, and she wouldn't be surprised if he was a Buddhist" and I was like, "well he kinda is...or at least he's very much into it philosophically." She replied, "well there ya go." I kind of like the fact that my talking about some of Zen's personal layers with other friends in our community has them respecting him more, and more at ease with his presence, as I think before we were a thing it was a little more awkward between him and some others, particularly some of the women. Of course women always wonder, when a man is trying to be friendly, if he's got something on his mind, and the fact that Zen is with me helps them to relax that concern and see him just for who he is more easily, I believe.

I don't know, but I think it's possible that I'm helping others to see sides of him he's hidden, that make him interesting, and I like when people think highly of him. Of course I am biased, being in love and all.

So anyhow, it was a good night and it really helped me feel good to be around people. There's another thing tonight...and I'm not positive if I really want to go. I've looked up reviews of the bar, and it seems it's a little hole in the wall, with pizza and sandwiches of dubious quality, and a kitchen of dubious cleanliness. I like hanging out with the people who are going to be there and all, and mostly I'm not sure what my social availability will be after Ninja gets his wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning. I'm thinking I might be smarter to stay home in case he needs me, and keep an eye on him. So it might be good to get a little more social contact in tonight. But on the other hand though, Zen is getting off work early, and it might also be good to stay home and spend time with him. I really enjoy that a lot, too. But I do think we'll be able to spend time together this weekend, especially if I skip all the party stuff and everything, as I think it's probably wise to do. Like I would need to be on tap for anything Ninja needed, but I'm sure I need not hover over him the whole time.

So I'm a little indecisive about going out tonight, though I am leaning toward, "go out tonight, stay in the rest of the weekend." And I have all day off tomorrow. But the easy answer is probably to call it once Zen comes home from work, see what he's in the mood to do...

If we do go out tonight, I think I'd like to be home by like 11 or so, since I do need to make sure Ninja is clear on the plan and we're moving on time in the morning.

So I have only ever had fairly simple extractions of teeth before. Never been put under, and had completely impacted wisdom teeth surgically extracted. If anyone has experienced that, and can tell me anything about what it's like, I'd appreciate it. Like how was the pain afterwards? Do they stitch up the gums, or are there just sockets like with a normal extraction? How was your healing experience? I'm going to the store right after work, to find soft foods for him...
 

Reverie

Active member
So I have only ever had fairly simple extractions of teeth before. Never been put under, and had completely impacted wisdom teeth surgically extracted. If anyone has experienced that, and can tell me anything about what it's like, I'd appreciate it. Like how was the pain afterwards? Do they stitch up the gums, or are there just sockets like with a normal extraction? How was your healing experience? I'm going to the store right after work, to find soft foods for him...

I was somehow born with only three wisdom teeth, but I got them all removed at once in 2010. The top one actually had a root up into one of my sinuses and both of the bottom ones were impacted. One of the bottom ones was so big and awkwardly placed that they had to saw it into several pieces to get it out.

I was put under, but I do remember as the drugs were kicking in, having a horrible fear-type thing dawn on me as I felt a ketamine-like sensation overtake me that maybe they weren't actually putting me to sleep at all, but just making me forget how terrible it was. No idea how they actually do it. I did not personally need stitches.

When it was time to go home, I had to stop at the pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled. My newish-at-the-time boyfriend had said he'd drive me, and as we were standing in line at the pharmacy, I was violently overcome with nausea and had to run outside and puke in the bushes because the drugstore had no public bathroom. That was terribly embarrassing.

The pain itself wasn't too bad. I didn't need any pain pills after the first day, but I've been told I have a high pain tolerance. My cheeks swelled up like a strong-jawed trucker chipmunk though. I ate only soft food for a while and eventually stuff was just normal again.

I would say that it was definitely helpful to have someone else around to help me that first day or so because the anesthesia and then a day of pain pills made me nauseated and groggy and not want to do anything other than lie in one place and sleep. It was nice to have a person to bring me beverages and wake me up when it was time to take my antibiotics.

I was 29, though. I'm not sure whether a kid will require more care...
 

AutumnLeaves

New member
I had my impacted, lower wisdom teeth surgically extracted at 16 because they were pushing on my nerves and making my face go numb. The first thing I remember is that the nurse was wiping my face with kleenex and telling me yes honey we'll get your mom as soon as you stop crying.

I don't really remember much beyond that. My mom drove me home and parked me on the couch. They gave me codeine and it turns out I'm a slow metabolizer, so I was fully out of my gourd for like three days. My mom told me she kept having to check on me to make sure I was staying hydrated, and that I told her "my mouth hurts like crazy but I just don't care." I apparently stared at the trees for hours and slept a lot. There were no stitches, just open sockets that needed gauze and had a lot of restrictions. I didn't have dry socket or any complications. Cold grape juice was the easiest and most soothing thing for me to consume.

Hope that helps!
 

Spork

New member
Right! I will leave the boy in the car when I fill his scripts, and instruct him on what to do if he needs to puke.

And I'm totally gonna buy grape juice.

I'm going to the store for soft foods and such after work today.
 

Leetah

Member
In addition to what the others said, I found that the muscles of my jaw felt strained, or at least over used. I thought at one point, I think the day after, that I could be fine nibbling an Oreo. I later found I wasn't.

Leetah
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Had all four of mine out at 17. Dissolving stitches. Ate too soon after anesthesia and puked. Frozen peas make good ice packs. Tylenol with codeine. Apricot baby food.
 

Refusnik

New member
I had all four of mine removed when I was 21. Two of them were impacted and I also had the frenulum on my tongue partially removed at the same time because it was longer than typical which was causing some problems for me. I didn't have the problem with post-op nausea that others report however I don't tend to suffer from nausea or vomiting except for the times I've dealt with some type of food or water borne illness so that may be why. For some reason I scheduled it on the wednesday before thanksgiving so I missed out on the festivities, but I was definitely able to eat baby food and milkshake via spoon that night. My favorite flavor was something called "brown buckle" even though at the time the name seemed like it could have been a euphemism for something else. By the next afternoon, the pain had subsided enough to take a jeep trip with my dad on a 4wd road in some nearby mountains and I was eating solid food 3 days after the operation.

Hope the surgery and recovery went well!
 

Spork

New member
Well, his surgery went well. His recovery is going fairly well. Day one, when the anesthesia started wearing off, by the time we got his prescription filled, it was starting to hurt quite a lot, and he took his meds and then felt better. Day two, he thought he didn't need pain meds at all anymore, though I had him take ibuprofen. He went to the weeky D&D game with his Dad. Day 3 (yesterday) he has some swelling going on, and more pain than the day before. We're limiting the hydrocodone, alternating it with ibuprofen, about every 6 hours or so (which is more than the "every 4 hours" we were told we could do.) About 3 times a day basically. He has all the soft foods he could want, but has mostly been eating Jello, chicken broth with smoked gouda cheese melted to a liquid in it for flavor (which is pretty delicious) and cottage cheese. He's enjoying the grape juice. No nausea, but between the antibiotic they have him on, and the grape juice and soft diet, I imagine he's going to be dealing with some diarrhea but he hasn't complained of it thus far.

I think he's doing pretty well, overall.

He doesn't have sockets exactly, he's got incisions, and they are not stitched up. It's pretty freaky looking in there. And he was a little loopy coming out of anesthesia, but nothing funny enough to be worth taking video of, which is good since I didn't bother. When I came in, he was attempting to explain to the nurse that some high school classes are worth college credit, and he thinks his middle school speech class should have been, "But...ugh...I suck at poetry." (I'm not sure that a middle school speech class was ever going to be worth college credit, and I'm also not sure what poetry has to do with anything, so that was slightly odd.) Between the gauze in his cheeks and his general state of wonkiness, a lot of whatever he was mumbling about was impossible to even understand. At one point in the car, he yanked his glasses off his face, and loudly declared, "Nope!" He later said he was experiencing a little dizziness and blurred vision.

We have a follow up appointment on Thursday, and they said he'll be using a syringe and saline rinse to keep it all clean back there for another 4-6 weeks after that, so I guess maybe we'll celebrate his 19th birthday before he goes off to Job Corps after all. It's ok. I want to make sure we see him through this and he's pretty well healed before he goes anywhere.

I didn't really do much social stuff this weekend, since I had planned to be home with Ninja in case he needed me. I did go to a discussion thing at a friend's house yesterday for a couple of hours. Spent plenty of time with Zen, had a pretty relaxing weekend.
 

Spork

New member
The boy seems to be healing well. We've got his follow up tomorrow.

I forgot my cell phone at home, which is very annoying. I'm going to have to run home on my lunch break and fetch it. I feel uneasy without it, mostly because it's the one number I give to everyone to reach me, and if one of my sons had an emergency of any kind, that's the only way they would try.

So had a funny sort of thing happen. A woman who was my mother's friend when I was a child got in touch with me recently through Facebook. For some reason the two of them remind me in my memory as slightly similar to Patsy and Edina from the show, Absolutely Fabulous. Though they weren't that sloppy, but this friend ("Edina", the blonde) was a lot of fun to be around and could be pretty wild. I remember going with the two of them to some bar/restaurant late one night and she started a little food fight with the peanuts, and I thought that was great fun. And she convinced my Mom and I to go break into an abandoned house in our neighborhood and snoop around. It had been vacant a long time and it was boarded up. She was making up stories about murders happening in there and such as we crept about with flashlights.

Well, it seems she married a plumber and became "respectable." For some reason my mother had thought she was dead, but no, she just had been very much out of touch. Her Facebook profile is all God, guns and USA so I'm not sure that we will have a whole lot of common ground. Still, nice to know she's doing ok in life, I suppose.

My younger son had a very pleasant orchestra concert last night. As soon as I get Ninja off to Job Corps, I need to get Q into private viola lessons, as he has tried out for Chamber orchestra and believes he'll get in, and private lessons are a requirement to be in Chamber. He'll also be required to compete to be in Pikes Peak Honor Orchestra and other such things, so it is a bit more demanding than what he's been doing.
 

Spork

New member
I wish for more Ab Fab. The first time I watched that show I almost peed myself.

Sweetie; Darling. Sigh.

Yeah, I'm just glad (and honestly, surprised) that Red Dwarf has had such longevity. There's at least one season of that now, that I haven't even seen.

Gotta love British TV...
 

Spork

New member
Well, crap.

I just got an email from Q's orchestra teacher, that he did not make it into Chamber. He took for granted that he would, because they have more open seats than they had people who auditioned.

The email emphasized the need for private instruction in order to make it in Chamber, and we haven't been able to afford that. I have been telling him I would make it happen as soon as his brother is out of the house; I had, late last year, planned to get him lessons but then a number of significant expenses cropped up and stressed my finances.

Both boys needed new cell phones, and new glasses, and though Old Wolf paid the lion's share of the expenses related to Ninja's wisdom teeth, there are bills coming in from our regular dentist, and my van's registration is due... It's frustrating. I often feel like just as I start getting to a slightly comfortable place with money, stuff pops up all over the place.

But honestly, I am also guessing that Q may not have given the audition his best effort, because he assumed that given the open seats, they'd take him.

I would bet he's going to be talking about dropping out of orchestra altogether next year. He doesn't feel that the group he plays with now are very good, and he gets frustrated that he wants to be with a better group. But it's pretty classic of him that he wants to get the prestige of some sort of elevated status without necessarily putting in the work and commitment. He does a thing of thinking that if he IS good, if he HAS personal value, then he deserves reward...being so fixed on these value judgments of his self that he doesn't see the importance in his actions and choices. It's a problematic mindset his father struggles with, too. The root of his ongoing complaint that I never "wanted him." That's nonsensical to me. It isn't that he was of low value and I did not want him, I did not want the actions, the behaviors, the attitudes. Things he could always have chosen to do differently.

This sort of thing is a lazy mentality in my opinion, one that absolves a person of responsibility, and I am not sure how to correct it.

These Libras, I swear...
 

Spork

New member
I was experiencing some frustrations yesterday, and I'm having some more today...mostly I'm aggravated with Paypal at the moment. I switched banks, I linked up my new bank info and tried to delete my old bank account, and Paypal won't let me delete it. Gives me an error saying that there's a pending payment and I need to try again later. Been doing this for weeks. And I set my preferred payment method to my new account, and changed all of my billing agreements with 3rd parties to charge to my new account, and last night I bought my son an app on Google Play, and it charged to my OLD account, which should not be linked to anything. Went into Paypal this morning, and while my new account was still set as "preferred", Paypal wasn't treating it as such, all of my billing agreements were set back to "Paypal Balance" (which is usually zero) and in the case of zero funds, instead of charging my "preferred" (new) account, it's still charging my old one, which I still cannot remove.

I'm so frustrated you guys. I had issues with them before, with an email address that apparently used to belong to someone else, and funds that were supposed to be sent to me, but got sent to this mystery person with the same last name as mine, and now this. I'm going to have to call them, and they've got a history of being really uncooperative with me.

Also, I'm trying to print a coupon for a favorite restaurant and my work's printer doesn't seem to want to do it for some reason now.

Is Mercury in retrograde or some bullshit? What's going on here??

But...I did get a raise at work yesterday, so that does not suck.

Predictably, last night, Q said, "Oh, and I didn't make it into Chamber Orchestra, and my teacher basically told me I suck, so I'm dropping out of orchestra." I said, "I am very sure he did not tell you that you suck. What exactly did he say?" and Q said, "Well, he said I wasn't good enough for Chamber, but he put some freshmen in there, so obviously he just hates me. It's fine. I devoted years to this instrument, and I get no gratitude. I'm done." See, as I said, brushing aside questions of what he DID, of choices made in terms of really practicing for the audition and giving it his best, he's made this instead into a matter of value judgments. Not, "I did not DO good enough" but "I'm NOT good enough." It is always crap like this with him. And with his Dad, though I didn't say so.

I really hate to think how he's going to cope with life, with things like not getting jobs he applies for, with things like romantic rejection, which are the kinds of experiences everyone just HAS in life, if every time he defaults to, "You think I suck. I quit. I'm just not gonna try anymore! The whole world is against me, no one appreciates me!" I've tried very hard over many years to push back and give better ways of thinking to my kids. Ninja has absorbed some of it, but Q still looks up to his Dad (though how and why after the abuse he suffered, is hard to understand) and emulates many of his mindsets. I'm just beyond tired of it. I'll try to talk Q into sticking with Orchestra, I'll be very sad if he quits, but I don't know if I'll succeed. And honestly I don't know if he SHOULD stick with it...for his own sake I'd say, yes. For the sake of the other students, I'm not sure. I think they sound beautiful, but he is hyper-critical. He thinks he's better than the rest of the class, more or less, and deserves to be in Chamber. (Value judgments, remember) and as he relates to the other students, he looks down on them. He can be a godawful judgmental snob sometimes.

It's like the Honors classes. He wants to be in them, because he thinks he's better than other students, and wants to be ranked in the upper tiers, but then he fails all of his classes. He does not seem to put 2 and 2 together on the importance of his choices, actions, work, and performance. Only, "I'm better than other people" or "I'm ugly and stupid and I suck and everyone hates me." *sigh*... I just don't know what to do with this.

I think I need to talk to his Dad. I don't know if I can get through to the boy, but his Dad might be able to, if he is willing to work at it.
 

Reverie

Active member
Predictably, last night, Q said, "Oh, and I didn't make it into Chamber Orchestra, and my teacher basically told me I suck, so I'm dropping out of orchestra." I said, "I am very sure he did not tell you that you suck. What exactly did he say?" and Q said, "Well, he said I wasn't good enough for Chamber, but he put some freshmen in there, so obviously he just hates me. It's fine. I devoted years to this instrument, and I get no gratitude. I'm done." See, as I said, brushing aside questions of what he DID, of choices made in terms of really practicing for the audition and giving it his best, he's made this instead into a matter of value judgments. Not, "I did not DO good enough" but "I'm NOT good enough." It is always crap like this with him. And with his Dad, though I didn't say so.

I really hate to think how he's going to cope with life, with things like not getting jobs he applies for, with things like romantic rejection, which are the kinds of experiences everyone just HAS in life, if every time he defaults to, "You think I suck. I quit. I'm just not gonna try anymore! The whole world is against me, no one appreciates me!" I've tried very hard over many years to push back and give better ways of thinking to my kids. Ninja has absorbed some of it, but Q still looks up to his Dad (though how and why after the abuse he suffered, is hard to understand) and emulates many of his mindsets. I'm just beyond tired of it. I'll try to talk Q into sticking with Orchestra, I'll be very sad if he quits, but I don't know if I'll succeed. And honestly I don't know if he SHOULD stick with it...for his own sake I'd say, yes. For the sake of the other students, I'm not sure. I think they sound beautiful, but he is hyper-critical. He thinks he's better than the rest of the class, more or less, and deserves to be in Chamber. (Value judgments, remember) and as he relates to the other students, he looks down on them. He can be a godawful judgmental snob sometimes.

It's like the Honors classes. He wants to be in them, because he thinks he's better than other students, and wants to be ranked in the upper tiers, but then he fails all of his classes. He does not seem to put 2 and 2 together on the importance of his choices, actions, work, and performance. Only, "I'm better than other people" or "I'm ugly and stupid and I suck and everyone hates me." *sigh*... I just don't know what to do with this.

I think I need to talk to his Dad. I don't know if I can get through to the boy, but his Dad might be able to, if he is willing to work at it.

Does he like to read? I just started reading this book, and it's great. It was also on e-book lend from my public library, available to read on Kindle App (so on computers, phones, etc. in the absence of a Kindle). If you can get him to read this, it might help him. I know it's been helping me, and I can only imagine the good it would have done if I'd found it sooner.

I've been a long-time overachiever compared to most people, but mostly due to genetic lottery and a desire to out-compete people, not out of true drive or motivation. I have very often fallen into the trap of skating by on my innate intelligence and talent without wanting to put the work in, and seeing exactly how little I could get away with doing and still come out more or less on top.

It's a bugger of a long-ingrained flaw to correct, and I really wish I'd realized earlier and started sooner.

ETA: That book, this article, and a couple of Buddhist-leaning books are like my self-help library at the moment.
 
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Spork

New member
Does he like to read? I just started reading this book, and it's great. It was also on e-book lend from my public library, available to read on Kindle App (so on computers, phones, etc. in the absence of a Kindle). If you can get him to read this, it might help him. I know it's been helping me, and I can only imagine the good it would have done if I'd found it sooner.

I've been a long-time overachiever compared to most people, but mostly due to genetic lottery and a desire to out-compete people, not out of true drive or motivation. I have very often fallen into the trap of skating by on my innate intelligence and talent without wanting to put the work in, and seeing exactly how little I could get away with doing and still come out more or less on top.

It's a bugger of a long-ingrained flaw to correct, and I really wish I'd realized earlier and started sooner.

ETA: That book, this article, and a couple of Buddhist-leaning books are like my self-help library at the moment.

I wish he would read that. But I know he wouldn't. I've given him some really good self help books, some of them have couched great concepts in entertaining language (can a teenager truly resist profanity? I didn't think so... And yet, he has.)

He doesn't hate to read...but lately he's only been reading what he's required to for English class, not really doing much reading for his own purposes. I'm not sure what kind of book would tempt him.

Apparently his English class this entire year, has focused on dystopian literature. He is so tired of doom and gloom and the end of the world, he's about ready to lose it. I kinda don't blame him, really. I'm not sure why the school would think that's a good idea to fill an entire year with that junk. Aren't we supposed to want students to be in better mental health??
 

Spork

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Well, life is pretty good. I've had some frustrations to deal with, but I'm coping. Stupid dryer isn't working. Hope to hear back about that today. Also, my youngest kiddo is drivin' me nuts, but that's nothing new. He just texted me wanting to go home early from school because he had a "saliva attack." ?? He says he threw up, but it was only spit. I have no idea what the hell he's talking about, but asked if he thought maybe he could hang in there and get through his day.

I've had to adjust my work routine a lot lately with one thing and another, so I'd like to NOT have to go pick him up from school...

And I'm considering going to a polyamory discussion group at the club tonight...maybe. I've haven't been going, since I haven't really truly been polying. It's a tricky business I guess. I consider my relationship and love life basically monogamous right now, and I'm comfortable there, because as I've expressed before, if no one is even remotely interesting to have a secondary sexual relationship with, except sorta kinda not really one person who is a bad idea so I won't...then why have that even sorta "open to poly maybe" vagueness out there? And beyond that, it seems my nebulous status, well it felt to me like I left enough doubt about my commitment to Zen in how I was talking that at least one friend seemed more interested in me than I really wanted him to be. So if it is what I'm doing, and if it is going to help me with boundaries, then saying, "I'm monogamous now, and TAKEN" does make sense. The only thing is that there are some friends I still want to be close to, if not exactly sexual, and some friends I like flirting with, and I don't want to change that, and then there's the occasional kink play that isn't sexual, that I might do at a party...all fun, but not on a path to sex, as such, but some of that would be problematic in the KINDS of super-muggle-monogamous relationships I've been in and been privy to.

I mean, like muggle friends that Zen knows, or that I know, would freak if their partner were to sling innuendo, let alone disrobe and get set on fire, with someone who is "just a friend" even if their partner knows 100% she isn't going to ever have sex with him. Many men would not trust that. I need Zen to trust that, and I think he does.

That's where the only ish comes into monogamish for me.

But that doesn't feel quite like poly, though. I don't think it is. To me, it feels more like an attempt at a slightly more enlightened monogamy, with as much trust and honesty as we can pack into it, and sincere efforts at good communication.

Still, it is a discussion group, and I love those, and primarily I think that some of the thought and communication tools that Zen and I have come up with lately could be useful to others in the group, that's why I'm considering going...that, and maybe getting some people-time, if I find that I feel like it.

Of course there is just as great a chance that I will get home and change my mind and not feel like going out at all. I don't really seem to know what I need, exactly, until I get there sometimes.

Came across a cute little thing on Facebook yesterday. It was a simple drawing of a woman and she was saying:

I love routine.

Until I get bored. Then I love excitement.

Until I get overwhelmed. Then I love routine.

And a lot of women liked or agreed in comments, on that post. I feel it definitely describes me, as I seem to have both an inner extrovert that drives me to socialize, and an inner introvert that drives me to withdraw. A sort of inner push-me/pull-you going on sometimes.
 

Spork

New member
I just ordered some new Cards Against Humanity stuff, and I really want to go to Game Night this Friday night, like even if I do nothing else at the club this week, I want to go to Game Night and play with my new cards, which should arrive by then...

I also just ordered an even bigger box to carry them all in, because I need one now.
 
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