There's a new man in my life, a new girl in his, and this isn't poly-- it just sucks.

AnnikaAtlas

New member
My partner and I have been poly philosophically for years, but never actually sought other partners.

When I got pregnant last year (I'm due in March), taking care of him seemed like a ton of work. I encouraged him to pester someone else for his needs.

He ended up casually dating someone, and it didn't work out. Now he's casually seeing someone else and the whole situation feels like a big slap in the face.

He essentially told me, "We've decided to start dating" after telling me specifically that he didn't have intentions to pursue her, and after spending the night at her place multiple times.

They spend weekends together, and every evening they play video games online together late into the night. This makes me feel incredibly rejected, as I'm still the one at home doing his laundry and cooking him dinner. I totally got shafted, and he's not even appreciative of what I do.

Then we get into this cycle, where I'm pissed that he chooses her over me, he acts like I'm being bitchy for no reason, I ignore and reject him, and so he continues to choose her over me.

I don't know what to do. I don't think this is poly, I think this is him using me and cheating on me and then telling me about it. I don't know what to do. I want him to man up and fight for me, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. And now I'm very pregnant, very alone, very unemployed, exhausted, and feel, well, used up and no good to anyone. I have nowhere to go.

Our roommate moves out in the next ten days. I might just take the guest room and see if he comes to his senses when he has to stare his little boy in the face and then walk out on us. Think that'll work?

Sigh. I know I should leave. I know this is toxic and going nowhere fast, but I just don't have the energy or resources. Some days I'm just so sad and hurt, and then other days I'm angry and vindictive. I want to tell his other girl to run while she can-- after all, once she wants to settle down and be the wife, I guarantee he'll skip out on her to go find a fun girlfriend instead.
 

PinkPig

Member
I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you considered changing your tactics? Instead of getting pissed and reacting in anger, have you tried honestly sharing how you feel, what you want and need? I do agree that the situation sounds very dysfunctional, and he is behaving selfishly. Not for pursuing the other relationship..but for prioritizing her over you and your unborn child.. If you haven't tried being honest (without anger and sarcasm), I'd try that. If he still isn't interested in investing in your relationship, then I'd consider whether this is really the environment you wish to raise your son in? Leaving now may not be feasible, but you can begin to work on an exit strategy if needed. ((Hugs))
 
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AnnikaAtlas

New member
Last night I slept on the couch, and when he asked me why, I said (in a very even tone, I swear), "I was hurt that you spent Friday night and most of Saturday with her, then when you got home you played online with her until five in the morning." His reply? "She went to bed at like 2, I was playing alone after that." Oh sorry, you only spent NINE consecutive hours playing with her, not twelve (while I served you dinner and cleaned the kitchen and ran household errands and gestated your child)? Well THAT'S acceptable then... That's not what I said (I think I said something like, "That's still a lot of time with her") but he was already pissy about how wrong I was, how I misjudged him (the horror). Later he asked me if I was "done being a bitch" and wanted to go out to lunch like he promised (which he actually promised me breakfast, but ended up sleeping in too late because he was up all night), I said that was rude, and when he was ready to apologize I'd love to hear it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi AnnikaAtlas,

It sounds like you've got a pretty crappy situation there. Is there any plus side? Does this man ever treat you good? Do you want to stay with him, you just want him to act better?

It's obvious you're unhappy. Is there anything we can do to help?

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GirlFromTexlahoma

New member
I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation :(

My partner and I have been poly philosophically for years, but never actually sought other partners.

When I got pregnant last year (I'm due in March), taking care of him seemed like a ton of work. I encouraged him to pester someone else for his needs.

It sounds like when you suggested he seek other partners, you were imagining something much less involved and time consuming than his current other relationship. Have you tried talking to him about that? He may be confused as to why you suggested he date and are now upset about it.

Adding new relationships is always tricky, but especially so when you have other big changes going on (like a pregnancy!!!) A lot of the people I know in open relationships tend to close things (at least in terms of adding new partners) during big life changes. I realize it's a little late to ask your partner to not date this girl ;) but can you sit down with him and be honest about your time needs and support needs? Figure out what you need from him to be happy in the relationship, and let him evaluate whether he can give you that and maintain his status quo with the girlfriend, or if he needs to make changes?

You're going to need a TON of emotional and practical support from him when the baby comes... I think it's in everyone's best interest to have the tough conversations NOW so that you have a plan in place.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you deal in this.

I know I should leave. I know this is toxic and going nowhere fast, but I just don't have the energy or resources.

Sounds like hunker down then, for the time being and save your energies and gather resources.

I think your idea to move into the empty room once the roomie leaves is a good one. Move in there so it is you and baby. Start seeking employment. Ask friends and family for babysitting, job hunting, or financial help. Or if anyone can let you live with them during your transition into the work force and motherhood. Maybe even call a woman's shelter for advice on how to leave a toxic relationship.

Don't bother to argue with him. Go medium chill. Polite but cool. Because arguing with him whether it is 9 hours or 12 hours is just energy drain for you. In the bigger picture you know he's letting you down big time, and you need to save your energy for getting you and baby out of this toxic mess. Not be spending your energy on draining things that don't make much difference.

I want to tell his other girl to run while she can-- after all, once she wants to settle down and be the wife, I guarantee he'll skip out on her to go find a fun girlfriend instead.

Why? So you can stay stuck with him? YOU run so you can build your life back up. Rather than give her the heads up so she runs and you are stuck with him still using you for domestic services and picking fights with you and sucking you dry. She's a grown up. She can look out for her own self. She doesn't need you tending to her too. Save your tending not for him or for her, but for YOU and the baby to come.

Some days I'm just so sad and hurt, and then other days I'm angry and vindictive.

It will probably be up and down roller coaster for a while. I am sorry.

Do what you have to do so you can get out of the toxic. Then hopefully over time better feelings will ensue.

You seem to have a clear head and clear assessment of your situation. Just... not loving it.

Which is totally understandable.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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Leetah

Member
You say you encouraged him to find someone else when you got pregnant so he would not be pestering you. Before you were pregnant were you two on the same page about each other's needs, or was there already an imbalance that you could no longer deal with once you got pregnant? It kind of sounds to me as though communication around emotions and needs may not have been working well for the two of you even before then.

Leetah
 

tenK

New member
I sure as hell wouldn't be cooking him dinner and doing his laundry. You are seven months pregnant with his child. He should be cooking you dinner and doing your laundry! Yikes! I do think you might benefit from being more direct with him about your needs. Don't make a conversation with him be about how much time he spends with her, but make it about how much more time you need from him, in general (because it sounds like the pair of you have been neglecting your relationship needs with each other a while) but also temporarily while you are pregnant. When the baby comes there's no way he should expect to be able to check out for 9 (or 12) hours a day online, regardless of who he does that with. Is he even aware of that? Sounds like the pregnancy hasn't factored into his thinking at all yet. I really hope he's not just assuming that his role is just to lounge about on the couch and watch you raise his kid. I also hope new girlfriend realises that the frequency with which they see each other now is probably not sustainable in future. He is leading her on as much as you I think.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I encouraged him to pester someone else for his needs. ......Then we get into this cycle, where I'm pissed that he chooses her over me, he acts like I'm being bitchy for no reason, I ignore and reject him, and so he continues to choose her over me...... I want him to man up and fight for me, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. ..... I might just take the guest room and see if he comes to his senses when he has to stare his little boy in the face and then walk out on us. Think that'll work?


People treat us exactly as we tell them to treat us. Take a giant step back out of blame and look at your part in all of this. You have the ability to see yourself as a misunderstood, put upon hausfrau or as a capable, loving, desirable, confident woman who is making life happen. You can never be shoved into a role that you haven't written for yourself, so you have every capability to see yourself differently and change your world into one that includes nothing but a respectful, loving relationship(s.) Gandhi was right: "Be the change that you want to see in the world." A generous, thoughtful, open hearted love relationship starts with you and trying to get a man to come to his senses and fight for you isn't a mind set that will foster this. Relationships always reflect who we are inside. Always.
 
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Dagferi

Active member
While I do not condone his behavior, you told him to go get someone else and stop pestering you. That's what he did.

Now you're upset and do not like the monster you had a hand in creating. Stop throwing hissy fits, playing the martyr, and have a grown up conversation with him.
 

AnnikaAtlas

New member
Our conversations usually end up with him explaining how he cannot possibly do anything for me because I haven't done enough for him. I say, I need your help researching baby crap and him saying that's a waste of time and that why don't I just play nine hours of video games with him? After all, I was invited to pick out a new MMO to play together, so it's not HIS fault if we don't spend time together (don't get me wrong, I enjoy gaming but we have different play styles).

I wanted him to find a new partner to keep him busy, but that just sucked the tiny bit of fun out of our relationship. I'm still pestered to take care of him. His new girl gets fun, supportive, generous new relationship man and they go out on dates and adventures. I've told him already that it bothers me that he does this (she gets "how was your day?" And I get "what's for dinner?") and he'll be better for a day or two, but then its right back to the grind. I tell him, maybe I would be more fun if I wasn't exhausted (my mom is having a serious surgery this week, I'm seven months pregnant, I work, I commute in a car that's essentially a biohazard, I do all the household chores), if he stepped up to help me, but that's certainly not as easy as calling his fun, exciting new girlfriend.

Ugh. I'm moving into the spare room just as soon as the roommate vacates (he's been dragging ass on it), and we'll try a trial separation. I just want my space and a break from him. You guys are right, he does this because I let him. Well he can have all the fun he wants while we live on his dime, at least until summer.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
When you say in your title, you have a new man in your life, do you mean the baby in your belly?

I know this isn't cheating, exactly, since you kinda gave him the green light to see others. Of course, you thought he could limit his involvement with others to sex only. But so often feelings follow in the bonding involved in physically relating to someone.

I could see this evolving to a poly situation, if your h would grow up and take care of his responsibilities. But all he wants is sex and video games for hours.

Pregnancy is the most common time for men to cheat. Isn't that horrible? All of a sudden, even if the baby is planned, they back away and start playing around, while this precious innocent cooks in your uterus.

If it seems bad now, it will be worse when the baby is born, and up all night feeding and fussing, and later, teething.

Did you two plan this baby? Why is preparing for its birth now "a waste of time?" Doesn't a baby need clothes, a stroller, a carseat, a sling, diapers and a dresser?
 
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Polysnow

Member
Anyone reading this:

DON'T tell your man to go out and find another woman then bulk when he does. Because being the OTHER woman that was found in that equation - let me tell you, that's a terrible situation to set someone (and your partner) up for.

It's like it's been said, you told him to find someone, he did.

I think you have a lot of issues that have nothing to do with the relationship with the other woman. I believe your husband is being very very immature and I believe he probably isn't ready for a child. The idea of researching for child stuff being a "waste" of time gives me that idea. If that's the case, then you have a man that simply can't be what you hope for or needs to under go serious change, and want to change himself. That doesn't appear to be the case. I'm very sorry to hear that.

I agree with the others about moving into the other room. Some space is probably a great idea.

If he pester's you to take care of him, tell him no. You have your own needs + the child to care of right now. He's a big boy, he can handle himself. He want's a wife and all the perks, but not willing to do the work or be an equally contributing partner? Then he needs to grow up and wash his own dishes and feed himself.

Don't be too hard on yourself for being tired and not having the "fun" he wants. You're pregnant. You are supporting two lives. Um, that takes energy and time. I learned that the hard way when I had my son. You can't be everything and it is NOT your responsibility to make him happy or constantly entertain his needs.

I suggest to be very direct with your needs. He doesn't pay enough attention to you? What does that mean? Do you want him to research a specific topic about the baby? Or do you want cuddle time? What? My opinion is that you're trying to be passive aggressive for your needs. A huge flaw I'm working on myself. It doesn't get you anywhere. Just hurt and disappointed.

And constantly ask yourself what YOU really need? Do you need to sleep more? Are you getting exercise? eating right? A plan to split from the relationship? Don't look to him to fulfill your basic needs or emotional ones if he simply won't deliver. I know that's not easy. I know that from the bottom of my soul. But you DESERVE to get what you need to get on with life and take care of your child.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The pain must be...hard. But you can take care of yourself and get through this. You've got to believe that. Good luck to you.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sounds like poly hell .

I tell him, maybe I would be more fun if I wasn't exhausted (my mom is having a serious surgery this week, I'm seven months pregnant, I work, I commute in a car that's essentially a biohazard, I do all the household chores), if he stepped up to help me, but that's certainly not as easy as calling his fun, exciting new girlfriend.

On top of lazy. (easier to call new GF for "fun" than help you at home so you can have fun together)

Our conversations usually end up with him explaining how he cannot possibly do anything for me because I haven't done enough for him.

On top of selfish (all about him first, you are there not as a partner but as a servant) and that the baby is pretty much "your project" and "not his." :(


I'm moving into the spare room just as soon as the roommate vacates (he's been dragging ass on it), and we'll try a trial separation. I just want my space and a break from him. You guys are right, he does this because I let him. Well he can have all the fun he wants while we live on his dime, at least until summer.

Sounds like you have a plan. Move to the other room, work and save money to get out. Is summer when the lease is up and you can part ways?

Galagirl
 
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Vinccenzo

New member
This would be a crappy situation even without the new GF. Replace GF with any out of the house hobby on top of excessive video game playing at home and the only difference would be you wouldn't have some other woman against which to compare his treatment of you.

This set up of doing all his domestic care should never have become a commonality. It added tasks to your daily to do list despite you working out of the home. Without that, would you have still been so over tasked that you told him to go look for attention from another person? Because if he has been allowed to get use to being catered to to the point that he doesn't appreciate it, you telling him to look elsewhere could seem like a rejection and a childish person will use that as an excuse to reject you back where ever possible. He seems childish anyway.
 

dreaming

New member
AnnikaAtlas,
Sounds to me like this guy needs to be told what to do and how to act. He doesn't respond to how you feel or what you are thinking. Some guys, (most of us) need to be hit over the head with a physiological 2X4. He is responding to your words, that's it. So he needs more words from you in the form of better communication.

What were your thoughts when you said " I encouraged him to pester someone else for his needs."
What were you envisioning? Whatever that was we can see it didn't work out as you had thought. Communication... You should have told him all of it, whatever it was you had in mind.
Maybe it's time to have the rest of that conversation, maybe include this new friend of his to participate.
He needs to see how selfish and inconsiderate he is being. I'm sure in his mind, he thinks you are just fine, after all he's doing exactly what you told him.
I'm sure having this new sweet thing in on your conversation will put some pressure on him, wake his ass up, it's not all fun and games here buddy, you've got some responsibilities here. Time to man up, I let you have your cake and you even get to eat it. He needs to see he has a great thing going on here.

You are not asking for much, not any more than anyone could want, and look what you are offering him. He's got to be a complete fool if he didn't want to make you completely happy.
 
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MeeraReed

Active member
Annika,

In the original post, you say you can't leave because you're "very unemployed." Being unemployed seemed to be a huge source of stress for you.

In your next post, you say that you work (and have a dangerous commute in a bad car). Working and commuting, on top of having to do all your husband's chores while being very pregnant, are a huge source of stress for you.

Which is it????
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
Hm: "pester"? Wow. Not a good slip. At the least, it suggests that your heart was fading before the pregnancy, & it simply went downhill from there.

Societally, a man's self-image is largely defined by "potency," a woman's by desirability. IME, a woman who feels ugly won't be satisfied by the attentions of a dozen hot guys at her beck & call; a man who can't at least kid himself he's a great sexual partner with EVERY woman he's ever had won't be satisfied with any number of devoted nonsexual relationships. (Stereotypes? Yep. True? Surprisingly often.)

Even if your SO wasn't having sex with the GF, it sounds like he's doing plenty to ensure your jealousy.

Marriage counseling. Therapist. Minister. Whatever. If you had income, I'd add lawyer.

Move in with family or friends. Feeling trapped makes you MUCH more likely to make a snap decision to leave -- having exit plans mapped out gives you a LOT of breathing space. If you're going to have even a chance of getting this fixed, you need to know where the fire doors are.

And maybe the GF doesn't WANT to be the next SO. It's MUCH easier to play The Other Woman, emphasis PLAY. There's a small chance that she'll put the brakes on when he mentions that you might quit; I've seen it happen.
________________

When my wife was pregnant, much of the midway time she wasn't interested in sex. While this was an uncomfortable change for me, & I did have two other lovers, the fact is that I totally LOVED that woman & was very devoted. I'd previously been the housework maven; I added to it by ensuring that she had lots of good rich food & got plenty of rest & all that stuff. I missed the sex, naturally, but I didn't let it worry me. Love made me an optimist, which isn't my normal state!

She wound up calling my girlfriends & asking them to get me out of the house more.:D

And as the pregnancy advanced, we re-bonded over childbirth classes -- okay, the perineal stretching was a bit of a turn-on.;) Her libido started to come back, in part because she gained confidence that earth-shaking orgasms wouldn't somehow hurt the baby.

We just refused to give in to fear.
 
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