This is my story

Katja5688

New member
Hey everybody,
this is Katja writing. I live in Essen, which is part of the so called Ruhrgebiet located in North Rhine Westfalia, Germany.
I found this page while searching for a chat on polyamory. As I couldn‘t find any German page now I‘m here and this is my story:

Not long ago my best friends husband and me discovered that we are in love. We spoke avout our feelings openly - among each other and with my friend. First she decided NO in a relationship between the three of us. As she saw how much it hurted us she wanted to give us a chance to try. But she couldn‘t cope with her feelings of jealucy, fear of loss... and after only three days ended the trial. After talking to a systemic therapist she says that she won‘t decide anything before she feels that she is able to do so. For me this means whaiting.

It‘s quite hard because both of them were close friends almost like family to me. I fear losing them, I fight with my feelings for him which I can nither neglect not give. For me (and him) its clear that they as a couple will not part. And we won‘t do anything that hurts her. But nervertheless we are in Love. It hurts. I have no idea what to do. Should I stay and give her time? Should I go to protect myself? Is there any chance she will learn to share her husband?

If anyone who reads this has advice or is/was in a similar situation please let me know.
 

Kajibabu

Member
Hey everybody,
this is Katja writing. I live in Essen, which is part of the so called Ruhrgebiet located in North Rhine Westfalia, Germany.
I found this page while searching for a chat on polyamory. As I couldn‘t find any German page now I‘m here and this is my story:

Not long ago my best friends husband and me discovered that we are in love. We spoke avout our feelings openly - among each other and with my friend. First she decided NO in a relationship between the three of us. As she saw how much it hurted us she wanted to give us a chance to try. But she couldn‘t cope with her feelings of jealucy, fear of loss... and after only three days ended the trial. After talking to a systemic therapist she says that she won‘t decide anything before she feels that she is able to do so. For me this means whaiting.

It‘s quite hard because both of them were close friends almost like family to me. I fear losing them, I fight with my feelings for him which I can nither neglect not give. For me (and him) its clear that they as a couple will not part. And we won‘t do anything that hurts her. But nervertheless we are in Love. It hurts. I have no idea what to do. Should I stay and give her time? Should I go to protect myself? Is there any chance she will learn to share her husband?

If anyone who reads this has advice or is/was in a similar situation please let me know.



Hi Katja,

Sorry to know this. But I have an experience of more than that. Currently I am also in Germany, in eastern part. If you like to contact, you can send me private message. B.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Katja,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear you are caught in a situation where you love a man, and cannot show your love. There doesn't seem to be many choices here for you. Four possible choices I can think of.

  • Wait and wait and wait, in hopes that the wife will learn to share her husband,
  • Separate yourself from the situation and look for a man elsewhere,
  • Talk to the wife and try to convince her,
  • Have an affair with her husband.
I of course don't recommend the fourth option, but technically it is one of your choices. It is conceivable that the wife might learn to share her husband, it depends (among other things) on whether she is hardwired for exclusive monogamy. Some people are. And even if she's not, she may be thoroughly conditioned (social brainwashing) to feel/believe that monogamy is the only right way. She's probably at least partly conditioned, and will have to resist that part of her psyche before she can learn to share her husband. So it won't be easy and it will take quite awhile, at least.

You could hope to speed up the process by talking to her, but that will be painstaking work, if it works at all. You have to be careful that talking to her doesn't just make her dig her heels in. Honestly it would probably be better if the husband did the talking to her.

It is not necessarily bad to just wait and hope she will come around, honestly that is one of your best choices. I think the thing to do is to decide how long you're willing to wait. These things can take a year at least. Are you willing to wait that long? If so, wait for a year, and then if things still haven't changed, separate yourself from the situation.

I feel bad that I am not able to offer you any truly digestible options. All four of the options I could think of, suck. If I can think of other options for you in the future, I'll certainly post and let you know. In the meantime I hope you'll hang in there, and keep us posted on your situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hey everybody,
This is Katja writing. I live in Essen, which is part of the so called Ruhrgebiet located in North Rhine Westfalia, Germany.

I found this page while searching for a chat on polyamory. As I couldn‘t find any German page now I‘m here and this is my story:

Not long ago my best friend's husband and I discovered that we are in love. We spoke about our feelings openly - among each other and with my friend. First she decided NO in a relationship between the three of us. As she saw how much it hurt us she wanted to give us a chance to try. But she couldn‘t cope with her feelings of jealousy, fear of loss... and after only three days ended the trial. After talking to a systemic therapist she says that she won‘t decide anything before she feels that she is able to do so. For me this means waiting.

It‘s quite hard because both of them were close friends, almost like family to me. I fear losing them. I fight with my feelings for him, which I can neither neglect nor give. For me (and him) it's clear that they as a couple will not part. And we won‘t do anything that hurts her. But nevertheless we are in Love. It hurts. I have no idea what to do. Should I stay and give her time? Should I go to protect myself? Is there any chance she will learn to share her husband?

If anyone who reads this has advice or is/was in a similar situation please let me know.

Hi Katja. Welcome to the forum.

Of course, your problem is an age old one. 2 women are good friends. One or both are married to men. One of the women, after spending a lot of time with her friend and her husband, falls for the husband.

Another variation we get here is, a woman is lesbian or bi, and falls in love with a close female friend. Or start to feel lust, sexual attraction, for her friend, whether that friend is lesbian, bi or not.

So... in this day and age, we have more freedom to be non-monogamous. But the thing is, just because we CAN, doesn't mean we SHOULD.

I've had severe crushes on male friends, but this was when I was myself monogamously married. So, I tamped down my feelings, never did anything inappropriate, or told my crush about my feelings. Sometimes it takes a couple years, but my crush eventually fades to a manageable level, and I remain friends with the guy.

But in your case, you already told both your friends of your crush. And the guy told you he felt the same way. So now, even though his wife briefly considered the idea of you and her husband deepening your friendship to a romance, she is not at all ready to go there.

If you respect her feelings, it's your place to step back and allow this couple to investigate Opening their marriage. This can take a good year or two. And there's a very good chance your female friend will decide an open relationship is not something she wants. Or this couple may even need to part, if the wife is devastated by her husband falling for another woman.

Meantime you may need to spend less time with them. Perhaps she's lost trust in both you and her husband. He's in an emotional affair with you. Generally a non-consensual emotional affair can be nearly as damaging to a Closed relationship, as an actual physical affair.
 

Katja5688

New member
Thanks for your replys guys! It feels good not to be alone on the road. For the moment I decided on steping back letting my friend look for what she wants. Its hard as I dont see her a lot and therefor sometimes miss them all like hell. But her and me are taking small steps to recover our friendship. Everything else has to wait.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Thanks for that update, it sounds like you are mostly focusing on repairing things with your friend right now. That is probably a wise decision. I hope you will soon be able to start meeting up with them more often again.
 
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