This is not working out

LadySFI

New member
I am not sure what to do in this situation anymore.

I am poly, I have been poly since I first met my husband 13 years ago. I kept it repressed (didn't even know what I was doing was poly) but always had a second man in my life.

Our relationship started poly, on bad terms unfortunately (oh and I was 20), I found out not long into my relationship with my hubby (then my bf) that the guy I was in the situation with wanted to introduce me to poly because he felt terrible about all the cheating he was doing. Needless to say, the relationship with my high school sweetheart did NOT continue, as I will not deal with cheaters.

However, I stayed with my hubby and 13.5 years later, we are married and that high school sweetheart is still married to the girl that was my best friend. Anyway, J and I spent a few tumultous years just us, then about 9.5 years ago I met D. He and I grew so close, that everyone called him my second husband. This lasted for 7 years, it was never sexual, but we did everything, including sleep together many nights. I thought for the longest time he was just a really good best friend, but I loved him with all my heart and eventually realized that it was so much more than that. This lasted for 7 years. It has been over a year since I even talked to him, and just thinking about him still makes me tear up a bit.

Then last September, I met someone. I mentioned him to my husband in passing, we got along very well, that was all. Eventually, it started to develop into more. I spoke with my husband immediately, who knew I had been poly from the day we met, and he told me it was okay to take it further.

Unfortunately, the hubby and I had been having problems for years, and me having moved away for graduate school wasn't helping things. He told me it was okay, I waited a long time and we had a lot of discussions because I wasn't sure what to do. Well, eventually, I decided to pursue the relationship. It has been 3 months now, and things couldn't be going better with the bf. I tried to find a hubby a nice gf since we are hours away from one another and I don't want him to be lonely. I actually helped him set up a few dating profiles and gave him dating advice (he has always been a little awkward with women, its adorable).

He has dated two girls and so far it hasn't worked out. While he was dating them, he had no problem with my bf and I. However, because they have both been short term, his being okay with me and my bf goes in and out. The two of them get along great, but my husband has been on an emotional rollercoaster and is clinging for dear life.

This started a year ago when his behavior started becoming quite erratic and he became very controlling. This has been pulling us apart for a while, but I just couldn't take it anymore. We are in a temporary separation, because after he had sex with the second gf he realized that he needed something more meaningful and is not okay with what he termed casual sex. Then he told me he needed me to be mono. Well even after all these years, he was asking me to be something I never was.

Right now, we are split up. Due to all the hurt and attempts at control (I know he didn't mean them, but no matter what therapy or discussions we had he still was doing it, repeatedly). My bf and hubby are both very disappointed, because they really wanted the triad that we had (so did I, it was wonderful when he decided he wasn't moody that day).

Right now, the hubby and I are starting with salvaging a friendship and are struggling to do that. I keep trying because I know he is lonely. I keep trying because I do love him and I know his heart is breaking. However, he can't seem to stop his behavior.

Even the other day, I posted here about my bf and his gf breaking up and he texted me to find out why I hadn't mentioned him. Honestly, when he couldn't even see how that post had nothing to do with him, I lost it. I felt it was another attempt to even control what I am posting on a message board that I am supposed to get raw, honest advice from. He then told me I was a fraud if I kept him listed in my signature, because I wasn't representing how things are for us right now.

I don't know if I can ever feel for him like I used to. However, I do love him and to know he cries every day is breaking my heart. I would LOVE to have a relationship with him, but I feel like his passive controlling behavior is borderline emotional abuse.

I will do almost anything to help him figure things out. I would love to see him smile again. We can't even be in each others presence anymore without me seeing sadness. I went to 4 years of couples therapy with him to straighten everything out. Then he asks me to bottle away what he has always known me to be.

My emotions range from pity to sadness to extreme anger when it comes to him. Due to the fact that I am not an emotional person, I know I obviously still care if he can make me feel all of this. I just don't know what to do.

Even my bf keeps trying to give me advice to help us work it out. He knows we stayed together because we were an amazing team and loved our family. He doesn't want our triad gone any more than I do. I'm so lost.

I don't understand jealousy, it has to be one of the dumbest emotions a human can feel. I don't know how to relate in this case.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Hugs. There's no way I (or anyone) can begin to tell you how things will turn out for you.
But, I thought I would share that our story was pretty frightful for a good long time. Possessive, controlling, insecure husband. Myself poly, but didnt know that existed. I cheated with the other love of my life.

We were separated, several times actually. But-we made it through.
Our sometimes colorful nightmare is posfed in areas on here, some in my blog here, much in my personal blog aafteota.wordpress.com
If you need to talk-feem free to pm me.
 

london

Banned
You can't make him be okay with this. Maybe he should just stop trying and both if you accept that you're not compatible anymore. That's the quickest route to stability that I can see.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you are upset. :(

This started a year ago when his behavior started becoming quite erratic and he became very controlling.

What happened a year ago? You moving for school? :confused:

Even the other day, I posted here about my bf and his gf breaking up and he texted me to find out why I hadn't mentioned him. Honestly, when he couldn't even see how that post had nothing to do with him, I lost it.

Perhaps he craves emotional intimacy from you, to hear about things in your life, however tangentially from you?

And you crave emotional space?

I would LOVE to have a relationship with him, but I feel like his passive controlling behavior is borderline emotional abuse.

If he's taking it out to crazy town, then I don't blame you for struggling. His need to feel close to you does not trump your need to be free of crazy.

My emotions range from pity to sadness to extreme anger when it comes to him. Due to the fact that I am not an emotional person, I know I obviously still care if he can make me feel all of this. I just don't know what to do.


Could determine your goal with him at the end of the trial separation.

  • Is it to get back together in a healthy way?
  • Is it to break up in a healthy way and in time be friends?

Could separate the issues one layer at a time.

1) He's asked for a monogamous relationship.

  • You are not WILLING to do that. Have you stated that clearly as a hard limit -- something that will NOT change over time?
  • You could be a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship but are simply not willing to do that. Have you stated that firmly?

Have you reminded him of these:
  • He is free to be in a polyamorous relationship.
  • He is free to be in a monogamous relationship. (The relationship shapes he likes best are up to him.)

He might be willing to try being in polyship with you and BF (and it sounds like you all tried) but he may not be ABLE to. (Which is sounds like he's finding out.)

Whether that means he's not cut out for polyshipping at all, or not with YOU and BF like this and something has to change about how you treat each other inside the polyship, that's another thing he could determine for himself.

Have you asked him if he's willing to be in a polyamorous relationship with you and BF or if he's just done with that shape? You could ask.

Have you all talked about the skills required to be ABLE to be in a polyship and if player has them or could grow them? You could ask.

2) Has he asked you to stop being polyamorous? Or asked you to stop polyshipping? That's two different things.

You seem to perceive that he wants you to stop identifying as polyamorous and carry resentment that he would ask you to change a core thing about yourself. If he's asked that (vs. asking for no more polyshipping), you know he's not asking for something you could do. You are not ABLE to do that -- change a core identity thing about yourself like the flick of a switch.

Could let go of the resentment toward him then. You can see he's emotional and weird right now, and you expecting an emotional person to make sense is not serving you. Just builds resentment toward him. It doesn't serve you any to resent him for asking you to do something you are not even ABLE to do. It isn't like he's gonna get it. Could just lather, rinse, repeat -- "NO. That I am not willing and able to do. It is a LIMIT."

I don't understand jealousy, it has to be one of the dumbest emotions a human can feel. I don't know how to relate in this case.

Jealousy is a flag emotion. Let's a person know needs are not being met.

Could you both be willing to read and do page 5 and 6 things? What about him considering his beliefs and feelings -- about jealousy and poly hell? Could you both be willing to read those too?

What needs of his are not being met? What needs of yours are not being met? What are BF needs?

If it can be resolved in time, great.

If it just cannot... perhaps it is time to accept that it is not compatible here? And let go of the romance and concentrate more on healing and coming out good exes and friends on the other side if that is the shared goal?

Galagirl
 
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LadySFI

New member
After all our committed years, I am not willing to just completely throw it away and move on. In addition, we have a 9 year old involved in all of this, and he has only ever seen us fight once.

Thank you for the link to practicalpolyamory. I read the articles you recommended and they were both very enlightening. I see a LOT of things we need to work on.

Right now, the husband is away on a trip to see his best friend and family. He really needs this. I am so glad he went and hope he has time to process some things for when he comes back.

We spent an entire day together and I took him to the airport. For the first time in months, we didn't fight. It was tense most of the day, and I was rather uncomfortable (having big problems letting my guard down right now). However, I was glad to have the day with him before he left.

We can't have back what we have been slowly losing for years until we can work on our friendship. He has been my best thing forever, and if I lose that, its going to break my heart in two.

I am going to let him know it may help for him to come look at this literature. I don't want to ruin his trip, but I think its most of what he is thinking about anyway.
 

Vixtoria

New member
Just something I noted, you said hubby was upset that you didn't mention him when discussing your bf on here. Could he maybe mean your sig line? You have yourself and your boyfriend listed but not your hubby. To be honest, I think I'd understand if either hubby or bf got upset about me putting up a sig with my 'important relationships' listed and leaving one of them out.


Not saying that's it, just something I noticed! :D
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
Just something I noted, you said hubby was upset that you didn't mention him when discussing your bf on here. Could he maybe mean your sig line? You have yourself and your boyfriend listed but not your hubby. To be honest, I think I'd understand if either hubby or bf got upset about me putting up a sig with my 'important relationships' listed and leaving one of them out.


Not saying that's it, just something I noticed! :D

He asked her to remove him from her Sig line since they are separated. He told her she was lying by keeping him in it. So it looks like she respected his wishes. It also seems like he's been coming here reading her posts to see if she's talking about him, because if she is it meant that she was focused on him, but instead she posted about her boyfriend's break up, which triggered her hubby...
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
After all our committed years, I am not willing to just completely throw it away and move on. In addition, we have a 9 year old involved in all of this, and he has only ever seen us fight once.

I get that. It's just that your 100% willing to try is not all that it takes to fuel a 2 people marriage. Where's his willing at as the other marriage partner? Is he still willing to try? I hope for your sake he is willing. :eek:

I also hope that reading articles can help start/guide hard conversation. Sometimes it is hard to know how to move forward to something better if there's just "blank paper" in front of you. That feeling of "I don't even know where to begin."

But in going down an article, there's at least something to be looking at. It helps as a conversation starter even if not everything applies. And if you get tired, you can put an X on it and come back and pick up where you left off later and slowly make your way across the conversations that need to happen.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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DaJaye74

New member
I am the So

I am in therapy, and trying to get better. I have been alone in the house for 6 weeks while my son is away and am very lonely. My emotional and physical needs are not being met. I am struggling with manyb emotions due to the fact that my entire life is about to change. I am 100% willing to try! I love her so very much. I will give her anything she wants. I have no problem with her having a boyfriend. She told me the other day they were moving in together. Still processing this. She says she doesn't want to live with me anymore. I have to find a place for me and our son after my discharge from the Army. I really really love her with all my heart and always will. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

J-husband of 13.5 years-recently seperated
I-wife of 13.5 years-recently seperated
C- boyfriend of 4 months
 

idealist

Member
Doesn't have to be black and white

Just wanted to share something that has worked for me and my primary partner. A little about us now- We met 10 years ago and we have started talking about retiring and creating a life together after that. We currently have separate homes. There have been periods of time within our 10 years together where we have spent 5 to 7 days a week together. There have been times when we spent every weekend together- as well as times where we have only spent 1 or 2 weekends a month together. On one occasion, we separated for an entire year and on another occasion, for two years. We feel this has made our relationship stronger because it has helped us develop our separate selves and therefore we don't deal with codependency issues very much. We feel that our separations have made our relationship stronger.
 

DaJaye74

New member
the problem

The problem is that now that she has a new boyfriend, she doesn't want me anymore. In fact she loaths me and says that I have held her back from doing the things she wants to do. I admit to being controlling, and emotionally abusive. However I did not intend to do those things. I was only trying to be with the woman I love. As I said I am in therapy to learn to control my emotions and knee jerk reacrions. To become a better father, a better husband, better friend, and a better person. I love her so very much. I will do anything she wants.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Dajae-

My advice-focus on self improvement, not on "doing whatever she wants".

My bf has struggled with that over the years (20 years now). He is LEAST attractive to me when he is in "I love you SO MUCH I would do ANYTHING for you" desperate mode. It's exhausting and childish.

On the other hand, when he looks at himself and says "damn, I need to work on that" and puts his mind to self improvement-then I am entranced by him.

So stop flinging yourself desperately at her. She does love someone else. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But-you have some shit to deal with and it's going to take time. IF your wife and you are a good match when that work has been done and you have gotten yourself put together in a healthy place-then you can work on "us" then. But for now-that shouldn't be the priority.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Loathe-

she loathes the you that you have become.
It has nothing to do with the boyfriend.

But-you also loathe the you that you have become. So-don't blame the boyfriend or her. Don't even bother blaming yourself. Just look at it for what it is-things about you that need to be maintenanced-and start doing the work.


Seriously-If you want to talk-feel free to pm me.
But-having been through hell and back getting my ass back on track-getting my boyfriend on track and my husband too (we were all fucked up somewhere) has been a lot of work-and we all had to take time to do our part.

It can be done-it's hard work. If you are that confident that you want her-then do the work-focus on the work on YOU.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
The problem is that now that she has a new boyfriend, she doesn't want me anymore.
I will do anything she wants.

Except give her space and time for a while? And give you space and time for a while to change what you want to change about yourself?

I see that you hurt. I'm sorry. :( And I know it takes time to arrive at full acceptance -- that someone you want to be with badly no longer wants to be with you like this.

Maybe you crave the reassurance that it will all be ok in the end. So that would make it easier to get through THIS chunk now knowing that.
But nobody can give you that. You get through this first and THEN see if the outcome is that you remain together because the implemented changes were good.

I see that you are lonely and fearful.

But... there's things to do here. First up is finding a home for you and son. No matter what ultimately happens with the marriage you need to live somewhere once out of military.

Could focus on that for now. You are in a trial separation time. Be separate. Try it on. Make the plans with the therapist so that your wants, needs, and limits are ok either way -- you are willing to try a healthy separation.

You could ask your therapist to help you navigate the next steps and make a plan. If you feel overwhelmed and can't organize thoughts right now, remember you have a therapist to aid you.

  • If we come to find we can be together after this time, then plan A.
  • If we come to find we need to split after this time, then plan B.
  • If we come to find we need more time to think, then plan C.

Then you just get through this time (what is it you agreed on? 3 mos? 6 mos? A year?) and assess at the end of the trial separation where it is at -- A, B, or C.

The loathe part.... Could you clarify this please:

  • She's willing / not willing to try this separation out in a healthy for BOTH of you way.
  • You are willing / not willing to try this separation in a healthy for BOTH of you way.

Because for it to work? You both have to be on the same page there -- both of you willing to try this on in a healthy for BOTH of you way because you both hope to build a healthier future relationship with each other.

Could you also clarify how you know she loathes you? What did she say to you VERBATIM? And how/where/when was this said?

"I loathe you" is VERY different than "I loathe it when you do ___ behavior. Please stop doing that."

Are you saying you are behaving appropriately toward her in the separation time and honoring your separation agreements?

And she's answering back with pent up hostile and couching it in destructive terms about your character? Rather than behavior done/not done?

What it is here? Please clarify that portion.

You can apologize and ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends.

But if she chooses to grant you forgiveness, and opportunity to make amends? That doesn't mean you become her endless whipping post. That is not healthy for you, nor for the new future relationship you both hope to build together. She might feel whatever she feels, but if she's going into "Ha! Payback time!" mode, that's keeping it in the stuck. Not moving it forward.

If the shared goal is to heal and get back together -- then you both could lay out the healthy for BOTH of you boundaries for the trial separation time and BOTH honor them. Not just one partner.

Galagirl
 
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SNeacail

New member
I love her so very much. I will give her anything she wants. I have no problem with her having a boyfriend.

I admit to being controlling, and emotionally abusive. However I did not intend to do those things. I was only trying to be with the woman I love. As I said I am in therapy to learn to control my emotions and knee jerk reacrions. To become a better father, a better husband, better friend, and a better person. I love her so very much. I will do anything she wants.

My husband does shit like this. "I will do what ever you want to make you happy..." and then he starts doing REALLY passive aggressive shit, because he really didn't mean what he said. It seriously messes with my head, like he is trying to make me believe I'm going crazy and the worst person in the world. We've been married 21 years and I've only recently started to realize what was going on. Had I realized this earlier in our marriage, I'd have left and never gone back - it is horribly manipulative and it is abusive.

Stop lying to her, yourself and everyone else. Your NOT okay with a bunch of stuff and your NOT willing to give her ANYTHING she wants - you do have limits. There is nothing wrong with this until you start to use it as a way to manipulate her only to play mind games later to even the score. Kudos on getting yourself into therapy and doing what needs to be done to work on your controlling and abusive behaviors. Just remember, you can't work on stuff you refuse to admit.

She told me the other day they were moving in together. Still processing this. She says she doesn't want to live with me anymore.

Sorry, but it sounds like she is moving on. Like others have said, work on improving yourself.
 

dragonflysky

New member
DaJaye74.......I hear you saying you'll give Lady SFI whatever she wants, and that you have no problem with her having a boyfriend, but that's not what LadySFI is hearing. She stated that you've been back and forth with your thoughts/feelings about her having a boyfriend.

She comes on here asking for opinions/advice....and then you come on to her thread and start asking for opinions/advice for yourself. That feels VERY controlling to me! It looks like another effort to get your needs met.....draw people to side with you...feel sorry for you.

Now, there's nothing wrong with having needs, wanting others to understand and support you, etc. But, that's not matching what you're saying about giving Lady SFI "whatever she wants".

You say you're in therapy working on some of your issues. LadySFI shared that the two of you spent 4 years in couples therapy working on issues. How long does she have to wait around until you get your issues worked through such that you're not controlling and emotionally abusive???

Whether or not you intend to be this way......you are. And it's impacting the woman you say you love...and would do anything for. I personally have little tolerance for emotional abuse, especially when I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't fix it, and don't deserve it! If you love her as you say you do, why would you want her to be around you....put up with such behaviors? If I really loved someone, I certainly wouldn't encourage them to stay indefinitely with a partner who's being controlling and emotionally abusive to them, so why would you....just because that abusive partner happens to be you?!

I recognize it can create gut wrenching panic to watch someone we love choose to walk out of our lives. But what I don't like is you speaking out of both sides of your mouth about the issue. That only makes things worse. If you're mono...you're mono. If poly doesn't meet your wants/needs, it doesn't meet YOUR wants/needs. Yes...you might lose LadySFI because she's poly. But as it is....NOBODY is very happy in this relationship! If you're really willing to give Lady SFI "whatever she wants".....does "whatever" include her walking out of your life to live with her boyfriend???????? If not....I would suggest you stop saying that.
 
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DaJaye74

New member
my thoughts

Firstly I am poly. And yes if she chooses not to be with me and that makes her happy then sobe. I am not trying to get anyone on my side. I am just haveing difficulty being COMPLETELY alone. We have been 5 hrs apart for a year now. She is attending school and I am raising our son. I wouldn't expext her to stay with an abusive person. I am changing that behavior. I am working very hard to change. I have PTSD from my 14 years of military service. I am just very lonely with no adult companionship. She is having all of her emotional and physical needs met. I am not. I cannot even begin to think about starting a new relationship due to the fact that I don't know how long it will be before I move to where she is. She is a wonderful wife, mother, and person. I have identified my behavioral problems and the WILL NOT happen again. I just want to be happy and want her to be happy. But I also want to do what is best for our son. I don't know what I am going to tell him qhen we move there and she doesn't want to live with us. I am just seeking advice.
 

DaJaye74

New member
in addition

The therapist we saw for 4 years SUCKED, my new cognitive behavioral therapist is amazing. After onky a few sessions I am gaining the tools I need to change. So far it has been going quite well. The behaviors have ceased and I am focusing on my own life and happiness. She truly is the best thing ever to happen to me. We are a great team and I want that again. What wpuld really bw nice is if I could get a 4bdr house so we coild all live together as a family. I reqlly like her boyfriend. We get along great. I am just so very tired of being alone.
 

Inyourendo

New member
This thread makes me feel outraged! Sorry OP that your thread has been hijacked, I can completely understand how violated you must feel right now .:(
 

SNeacail

New member
This thread makes me feel outraged! Sorry OP that your thread has been hijacked, I can completely understand how violated you must feel right now .:(

How has it been hijacked? The original post was how her relationship with DaJaye wasn't working. Everything has been on topic. This is not posted in the blog section, where the OP would have the right to demand DaJaye never show his face.
 
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