This is the end. How did this happen?

LostInLove4

New member
Wow. I can't believe how much things have changed since the last time I posted. I thought we were making it work. We were adjusting.

Leaf's new love Flower decided she didn't want to share him. I thought she was going to break it off with him and just be friends. She said she can't compete with me (not something Leaf or I ever expected her to do) and she can't be with him if his heart is divided.

Leaf panicked. He doesn't want to lose her. He feels very strongly for her and he says they have a promising future. He told her he wants to be with her. This made her very happy. She wants to be with him.

He tells me he can't decide. He doesn't know what to do. He loves me very much and he doesn't want to hurt me or lose me. It's a terrible decision she is forcing him to make. After 10 years of love and devotion..... he is picking her.

He won't say it with any definitive statement yet. I think he is still trying to spare my feelings. But he is choosing her and I know it. I know him better than anyone else in the entire world. He already knows what life is like with me and he can't stand the idea of never knowing what it could be like with her.

He told me he thinks relationships go in cycles. Ours is fading while theirs is just beginning. I asked if he will jump from one relationship to another his whole life and he said, "Would that be so bad?"

I asked her if she believes he has made the decision. He said yes. I asked if he HAS made a decision. He looked at me with the saddest eyes ever and said, "maybe."

I can't stop hoping. I can't let him go. I can't bow out and let them be happy. I just can't do anything but sit here and wait for him to leave me. For someone he has only known for a month and a half. How can he put her before me? He loves me. I know he loves me. How can he do this to me?
 

peabean

New member
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like you are in a lot of pain, which is understandable.

I'm not sure your history with poly but I wonder if Leaf has heard of the term New Relationship energy (NRE)? NRE is very powerful, that rush of feeling you get when you fall for someone. It is also ephemeral, so it is difficult to say you have a 'promising future' with someone you've only known for 1.5months. Typically at that point what you have is a whole lot of lust and NRE.

Was he always poly? If so, is this girl worth going mono for? Is there any way all 3 of you can sit down and talk about the capacity to love more than one person. It seems that in her NRE jealousy is ruling her feelings. I would suspect that as NRE fades he will feel resentful towards her for making him choose, but by that point he will have burned bridges with you.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.
 

LostInLove4

New member
A little background

We have been in an open relationship for 5 years but this is the first attempt at practicing true polyamory because we have both only had casual relationships. The Leaf met Flower and we started really figuring out how this would work when love is involved.

I truly believe that Leaf and I are both polyamorous. I have had my doubts about him lately, but I think he is poly. Having spent most of our lives as theoretical, but not practicing polys I don't know if it is something he is devoted to as a lifestyle. We never did get to see it work.

Flower was not poly. I guess she attempted to understand and be okay with it. She said she was okay with it, but then decided she wants him all to herself or not at all.

He knows what NRE is. But I don't think he can view it objectively for what it is. He is so caught up in the feeling he won't stop and think about it rationally.
 

gomugirl1656

New member
Lost

I am so sorry to hear this is happening. I had a lot to say and many questions but I think maybe pure sympathy for your position is what you are asking for not advice. If you need something please pm me and I will offer what support I can as an outside who is poly longterm. Know that your happiness is important to me and I hope you can find a space to chose that even in this trying situation. Again I am so sorry. Hang on.
 

LostInLove4

New member
What I need... I don't know

I do need sympathy. I want someone to hug me so bad right now. I am far away from my family and best friends - we moved to a different province two years ago.

I have only loved this one man in my whole life. We met when I was 16 and have been in love ever since. We moved in together a week before my 18th birthday and have been happily "common-law" since then. This is maddening. It is torture. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I have only text messages from back home for comfort. I had to leave work today because I couldn't face talking to people without my voice breaking - I work in a call centre.

But I do want advice. I want to answer questions and ask them. I need to talk this out. I need someone to tell me what I can do. Please help me. Anything would help right now.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
This makes me feel very sad. I, too, wonder if he is just blinded by NRE. However, sometimes, for some people, having an "open relationship" is euphemism for "I am allowed to "test drive" a new person to figure out if I want to leave the person I am already with before I give up on a "sure thing" to pursue something that may or may not work." If the latter is in fact the case (as opposed to "just NRE"), then it is over for the two of you.

It really does suck, and everything else is just details.

ETA: I think "virtual hugs" are kind of lame and high-school-y, but if anyone truly deserves them, it's you right now.

So, "hugs" to you and I wish I could say something that would fix the pain you are going through.
 
Last edited:

LostInLove4

New member
How can I possibly convince him that it's just NRE? If he lets her go, he will always have that doubt. Wondering what it could have been. He will blame me for that.

I believe the only way to stop this from happening is to convince Flower to stay with him and let him be with me too. He will never let her go willingly and the only way for him to know if it is just NRE is for him to keep seeing her.

I want to talk to Flower. I want to show her that it can work. I want to convince her to keep trying poly. I feel like if I had met her sooner this wouldn't have happened. But I don't think I can convince her of anything other than that I am grasping at a man that is leaving me for her.

Leaf is making this decision WAY too fast I think. I want him to slow down and think this through. He is making a life changing decision. We are as married as you can be without the license. Joint finances for everything. We are hold a joint car loan, credit cards, bank accounts. We have a dog (thank goodness no kids). We have a completely intertwined life. As it stands he has to break all of that to be with her and he made this decision in a matter of two days.
 

Phy

Member
Oh dear ... honestly, I feel for you. I know how you go in circles when you feel for someone who is just unsure of what he feels for you. Especially in this situation with seemingly lots of NRE going around. This is ridiculously fast. You don't care for your own well being and try everything to just fix this situation and search for a glimpse of hope.

But you shouldn't let go of yourself. It doesn't sound like he will learn this any other way than the hard one. If he is set on exploring this relationship and doesn't want to listen to common sense and does everything what she is asking of him, including telling her that the decision has been made already while still lying to you about it (for whatever reason) … don't involve yourself for so long and suffer like that.

If you are able to, wait for him to come around eventually but separate yourself from this mess for now. I am getting angry just reading about it, but I guess that you are just hurting too much to feel something like anger. Try to think of the consequences, even if they seem to be far away. Please, don't just be understanding of him like your posts seem to imply that you are at the moment. Call him on his shit, that's just unacceptable behavior from my point of view. If he claims to be polyamorous, there should be enough feelings for you to make him think about you just for some seconds.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, I can't stand such behavior at all.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
How can I possibly convince him that it's just NRE? If he lets her go, he will always have that doubt. Wondering what it could have been. He will blame me for that.

I don't think you can because I think he is this:

for some people, having an "open relationship" is euphemism for "I am allowed to "test drive" a new person to figure out if I want to leave the person I am already with before I give up on a "sure thing" to pursue something that may or may not work."

Also a month and a half is not a very long time, I agree, but the younger a person is, the slower time seems to pass, and he probably thinks he "feels like he's known her forever" or some bullshit like that.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Oh whoa wait a minute! You're the one working two jobs to pay for the boyfriend's school, while he's schnookering around with his "lab partner"! That's YOU! (I forget who's who when the pieces of story are in different threads.)

Ok, then what I just said goes twice as much. And I say dump the sonofabitch like, YESTERDAY.

Everything you are worried about and posted about before people's advice made you second-guess your gut feeling is true.

He "test-drove" the new model and decided to go ahead and trade the old one in. He's not man enough to break up with you because it would make him the "bad guy". You don't want him to be the "bad guy" but at the same time you don't want to be where you are.
 

gomugirl1656

New member
Questions

Have you considered negotiating a temporary separation to give him a chance to be with only her for a bit, with a time limit and conditions?

Is the relationship really over if he chooses her, is it a deal breaker? Say if he decided to come back to you, would you take him?

Is he a burden to your happiness in any sense, financial, emotional, spiritual etc.?
Is this relationship two way, does your happiness matter at all or is he trying to control the reactions of the two people he wants so he doesn't have to feel conflicted or uncomfortable?

If he leaves, do you plan to withdraw your financial support? If so does he know this?
 

BoringGuy

Banned
Is the relationship really over if he chooses her, is it a deal breaker? Say if he decided to come back to you, would you take him?


Are you prepared to be his "spare tire"? Do you think that the "leftovers" from his relationships with other people are enough to satisfy you? <--(not very "poly" of me to say that but I think you're dealing with a "serial monogamist" so "poly dogma" doesn't apply as far as I'm concerned) Do you want to set the expectation that he can fly by the seat of his pants and you get to suck it up and deal with it?

If the answer to any of these questions is "yes", then continue to be a doormat and you should be successful.
 

Vinccenzo

New member
Were things going well until you were helping him financially for school?

Some people (seen it out of men more often if their romantic partner is helping them financially) cannot handle gratitude without growing resentful or feeling the relationship turn into a parent/child vibe.

I'd cut the purse strings and let him stand on his own. Send him off to new girly. Go go go boy go see what its about. If his tune changes fast, take it as a sign for caution -he could just be feeling needy more than actually wanting to work it out.
 

LostInLove4

New member
I have debated the options if we choose to separate or break up. Leaf is my best friend in the whole world. The idea of having nothing to do with him at all is hard to swallow. It might be necessary though. I know he would like us to remain in contact and for me to continue living in the city we currently are in. He would like to still have a relationship with me but not a romantic one. He would still love me as a friend. I have thought about moving back home to be with my family and friends. This has been such an emotional roller coaster for me and my trust in him is shattered.

A temporary separation sounds good at first, but then I think that I would spend the whole time waiting for someone who might not be coming back. It will just prolong the pain I'm in. If he ever decided to come back to me... I would probably forgive and take him back. I believe in second chances. I don't know what my situation would be so I can't say for sure. I don't think I could just sit there waiting though. I would go out and meet people and maybe even have another relationship by the time he came back. I can't guarantee him a place in my life if he won't give me a secure place in his.

I believe my happiness matters to him but only if the conditions of my happiness are not counter to his. In this case, making me happy would also make him sad because he will have to give up Flower. It goes both ways right now though because he doesn't want to make Flower happy by leaving me because that makes him sad. It's a catch 22 and I don't blame him for that. I do blame him for thinking that he doesn't love me "as much" as he loves her. This is the impression I get from him and while I can see it as NRE and ORE he kinda believes in the more/less love idea - which I have always shunned.

If he leaves he will have to support himself and he knows that. Our lease in conveniently up at the end of Nov. We will have to "divorce" our finances which will not be easy.

When I started supporting him it definitely put a strain on our relationship. I don't think there was any resentment between us but there was certainly a lot of stress trying to tighten the belt because I don't make a lot of money. We were used to a certain lifestyle and we had to greatly reduce it. We were doing better when I started a better job and kept my former job part time. He also worked over the summer and we were much happier as a couple when we didn't worry about money so much.

I still really want to sit down with Leaf and Flower and see if we can't work it out. I have known from the very beginning she didn't seem like a poly person. I don't think she understands what we want. I know Leaf still wants to be with both of us. I just don't know if he is capable of explaining it properly to her. He's not the best with words - that's me. I feel like if I could just talk to her then we wouldn't need this ultimatum at all. I want them to go through the NRE with me still by his side and then let us figure out the long term. She's not giving us that option right now.
 

BoringGuy

Banned
She's not giving us that option right now.

He's not giving you that option. He's letting her decide how it's going to be. It's not her call unless he lets it be her call. He is letting her decide and letting you deal with it instead of owning his own part in it and making a decision like an adult.

If HE can't convince her to "give poly a chance", and he's the one she is in a relationship with, what makes you think YOU, "the other woman", can convince her? She sounds like a classic "cowgirl".

You are still young. Your life is not over if you break up with him. At least you don't have kids, or you'd be all in a wad about that too.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I still really want to sit down with Leaf and Flower and see if we can't work it out. I have known from the very beginning she didn't seem like a poly person. I don't think she understands what we want. I know Leaf still wants to be with both of us. I just don't know if he is capable of explaining it properly to her. He's not the best with words - that's me. I feel like if I could just talk to her then we wouldn't need this ultimatum at all. I want them to go through the NRE with me still by his side and then let us figure out the long term. She's not giving us that option right now.

Hon, what if you do all that and she STILL does not want polyship? When do you LISTEN?

Doesn't she have the right to seek the relationship shape that suits her?

Why bother asking her to compromise herself and her wants/beliefs just so you and Leaf can be happy?

Let her choose her next behavior. Let her go. Let her leave and find her next happiness.

Let him choose his next behavior. Let him follow her. If he thinks his happiness is with her -- well, go then.

Choose to let it all come out in the wash. You do not control their behavior. You can only control your own.

And you can choose YOU and YOUR next happiness. And this is totally true:

I don't think I could just sit there waiting though. I would go out and meet people and maybe even have another relationship by the time he came back. I can't guarantee him a place in my life if he won't give me a secure place in his.

Breaking up is not the end of the world.

It's not flattering to him to be so wishywashy and keeping his established partner hanging like this. Not cool!

He is not giving you the right to clear communication or the right to responsiveness so you know where you stand. So... move it forward without his input. Reach out for stability for YOU. Set him free and separate finances and all that. Then you can get to a stable place even if you have to pass thru some short term ugh to get there.

If you end up coming back together at some point -- that's worry in future. Deal with what is here NOW. Choose to choose YOU.

Galagirl
 

gomugirl1656

New member
A temporary separation sounds good at first, but then I think that I would spend the whole time waiting for someone who might not be coming back. It will just prolong the pain I'm in.

Ok first off don't sit around and wait. Live your life. Work on your financials, get a hobby, get out and make some other friends, find what makes you happy without him. My mom used to say to live well is the best revenge. Not that revenge is what I'm selling, just that if you take that space to meet your own needs for a while and live your own life you might find your willingness to put up with this drama greatly reduced. Besides confidence and self sufficiency will make you more attractive you may find someone even better, more mature, and more willing to be flexible. Love hard but never depend on someone to do for you what you should do for yourself. Ask for what you want, take no like a big girl, and ask someone else it's the magic of polyamory.

Loving him and wanting him to be happy is fine. But in a partnership there must be compromise and not just from you. Don't wait for him to meet your need for love. No relationship will succeed until you love yourself enough to be responsible for your own happiness, safety and orgasms.

Is it going to hurt? Hell yeah. Is it going to get better? Absolutely. Will you get the benefit? Only if you give it to yourself. Stand up for what you want but be willing to let it go and move on. Big Hugs and good luck. I hope you get the best of this issue.
 

LostInLove4

New member
Well thank you everybody. I truly needed some support and you wonderful folks provided. GalaGirl, you really hit the nail on the head for me. By the time Leaf came home from school I was simply at peace.

We are done. I asked him to just out with it and he did. He chose her - which I already knew really. I haven't felt so relieved ever before.

Now to start dividing up our lives.

I may still be back with more questions. He broke up with me, yes. And now he has to start trying to be monogamous again although he still loves two people. Leaf seems a little more scared than I am right now.

Thank you so much. I think I will sleep well tonight for the first time in weeks. I am happy. I am ready. Life goes on.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you so much. I think I will sleep well tonight for the first time in weeks. I am happy. I am ready. Life goes on.

It's not easy. I hope you do get some good sleep tonight. Being on solid ground again even if you don't LOVE the choice is better. Being in limbo neither here nor there does not feel good.

Sometimes the choices in life are not win or lose but "this stinks" and "this stinks" and you just have to pick the least stinky one then.

I am glad you are feeling a bit happier. I am glad you chose YOU and chose to move yourself to stable ground again.

hugs,
GG
 
Last edited:
Top