No, that's not the case. She wanted him to leave me so they could be together and he said he wouldn't. I never asked for him to choose, but she did and that was his choice. It was hard for him, too. I know it from her also, not only from him, so I guess that's the truth.
Thank you for clarifying that part.
I told him I would need him to take more care of me and our relationship for now for things to work out, that I need to feel loved.
What you feel is not up to him. It is up to you.
I think you might mean you want him to do some loving behaviors toward you for now while you are healing. If so? Sounds reasonable to me. He became her cheating partner AND shared sex with no condom. That's a betrayal.
Yet he almost sounds "insulted" that you would want him to make amends for his poor behavior. He complains you always bring it up, but I'm not hearing him setting time aside to be working on things either. Like once a week on Friday for example. To me he sounds like he wants to avoid taking personal responsibility for having create a mess of a situation. You are just supposed to lump it.
I have to say that every time he asks what's wrong I bring things up, that he broke my rule, etc. and that's what he says I have to let go so things could work out again...
Well, that would work out for HIM. If you just let everything go? Then he doesn't have to do the work of making amends then. You just get over it yourself and he gets the benefits.
For him to reach out more, tell me that he misses me when we see each other (if that's true), some reassurance. None of that happened because he said he doesn't do things only because I ask him to, that wouldn't be sincere because he's not like that.
He does not have to lie and say he misses you when he does not. But he could call to check in... Do some things you ask so you can feel safe in this relationship again and begin to rebuild trust. Some attentiveness, some responsiveness, and some kindness. I think that is fair enough to ask after all the upheaval.
But he's not willing to invest. So... you feel unsafe and not secure here. Rightly so.
It's not really excuses, he's always been like that...
Sounds like he's always given you short shift then.
When he says he wants it to work out with you? Then in his actions --
- He gets mad at you that you are not over it yet. Like it is a big inconvenience to him. This is not years later. This JUST happened.
- He complains you bring it up all the time but he won't set a time aside to work on it to help both move PAST it
- He will not do the things you ask to help you heal and help rebuild trust in him. Because you asked. Besides... that just "not him." He is excusing himself from taking some personal responsibility here.
That doesn't sound like a person willing to put in some repair work to me.
I think if he's telling you straight up...
- that he is NOT going to do what you ask to contribute to your well being and help rebuild trust in the relationship
- it's just "not him" to be considerate of you or your feelings or your needs in relationship
You could BELIEVE HIM. And if he's always been like that? You could decide you want a better partner than that.
That's pretty much why I get the vibe he's just filling time. He's not actually vested in this working out even if he says he is. How can you feel secure like that?
I think he's likely going to treat you same as before -- poorly.
I hope a break in your home country helps. You do not sound happy here. I encourage you to talk to counselor.
I think you can be with him or you can be happy. I don't think this is a situation where you get both together.
I am so sorry.