thoughts and mixed feelings

GalaGirl

Well-known member
No, that's not the case. She wanted him to leave me so they could be together and he said he wouldn't. I never asked for him to choose, but she did and that was his choice. It was hard for him, too. I know it from her also, not only from him, so I guess that's the truth.

Thank you for clarifying that part.

I told him I would need him to take more care of me and our relationship for now for things to work out, that I need to feel loved.

What you feel is not up to him. It is up to you.

I think you might mean you want him to do some loving behaviors toward you for now while you are healing. If so? Sounds reasonable to me. He became her cheating partner AND shared sex with no condom. That's a betrayal.

Yet he almost sounds "insulted" that you would want him to make amends for his poor behavior. He complains you always bring it up, but I'm not hearing him setting time aside to be working on things either. Like once a week on Friday for example. To me he sounds like he wants to avoid taking personal responsibility for having create a mess of a situation. You are just supposed to lump it.

I have to say that every time he asks what's wrong I bring things up, that he broke my rule, etc. and that's what he says I have to let go so things could work out again...

Well, that would work out for HIM. If you just let everything go? Then he doesn't have to do the work of making amends then. You just get over it yourself and he gets the benefits.

For him to reach out more, tell me that he misses me when we see each other (if that's true), some reassurance. None of that happened because he said he doesn't do things only because I ask him to, that wouldn't be sincere because he's not like that.

He does not have to lie and say he misses you when he does not. But he could call to check in... Do some things you ask so you can feel safe in this relationship again and begin to rebuild trust. Some attentiveness, some responsiveness, and some kindness. I think that is fair enough to ask after all the upheaval.

But he's not willing to invest. So... you feel unsafe and not secure here. Rightly so.

It's not really excuses, he's always been like that...

Sounds like he's always given you short shift then. :(

When he says he wants it to work out with you? Then in his actions --

  • He gets mad at you that you are not over it yet. Like it is a big inconvenience to him. This is not years later. This JUST happened.
  • He complains you bring it up all the time but he won't set a time aside to work on it to help both move PAST it
  • He will not do the things you ask to help you heal and help rebuild trust in him. Because you asked. Besides... that just "not him." He is excusing himself from taking some personal responsibility here.

That doesn't sound like a person willing to put in some repair work to me. :(

I think if he's telling you straight up...

  • that he is NOT going to do what you ask to contribute to your well being and help rebuild trust in the relationship
  • it's just "not him" to be considerate of you or your feelings or your needs in relationship

You could BELIEVE HIM. And if he's always been like that? You could decide you want a better partner than that.

That's pretty much why I get the vibe he's just filling time. He's not actually vested in this working out even if he says he is. How can you feel secure like that? :(

I think he's likely going to treat you same as before -- poorly. :(

I hope a break in your home country helps. You do not sound happy here. I encourage you to talk to counselor.

I think you can be with him or you can be happy. I don't think this is a situation where you get both together.

I am so sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi clalb,

I don't mean to be unsupportive; if you want to stay with A, I'll stand by your decision. It's impossible to know the future and we don't know if maybe A will act better after all.

I hope that you'll keep on posting updates from time to time. I'm anxious to hear how things turn out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member

nycindie

Active member
Dear Clalb,
Seriously, what the hell do you see in this guy that makes you believe you're holding onto something worthwhile? He tosses crumbs your way and expects you to be happy with that. Why do you seek more unhappiness and stress by staying with him and hoping it will get better when he acts like such an asshole toward you?

Why is your self-esteem so low that you let a man like that walk all over you? Don't feel ashamed, but do let it be the past.

Be kinder to yourself. There are men of much better caliber out there, and you are lovable and deserve a truly loving partner. You just need to break free.
 

clalb

New member
Hey,

so, things have been rough again for a while now. I got to a point where the pain has been very strong and Icame back here to read his thread, to read what you guys wrote me back then - I already knew, even before reading, many things didn´t change. After reading it, it´s horrifying how much of it is still true - even more clear to me now then it was back then.

There´s no other woman involved, no NRE - I mean, there are some partners with whom he has sex with every once in a while (same to me), but, as you well stated back in sommer and I also recognized, my problem was not with the other woman, or with the NRE: my partner, A. (we can call him Menace), is my problem.

Besides a few good months and weeks (they always come back), my insecurity has grown stronger. I´m trying to work on my insecurity and I´ve been doing a good job (with yoga, mindfullness exercises and therapy), but sometimes, when we start a fight, it all goes away. I feel like crap. He treats me like crap.

I´m trying to feel more comfortable with everything, but still sometimes I ask stuff like "does she know about us?". Maybe because, as he doesn´t really care about people´s feelings, I feel like I should try to show him how to care about it. Because I DO care. Or/and maybe I also want them to know that he has a primary partner. I don´t know. Fact is, he gets super angry if I ask. He says I shouldn´t ask. If there´s anything to be known, he will tell me.

Reading all the things you wrote and I wrote, I realize even the small things he did to reassure me (like saying he wanted to be with me), he doesn´t do anymore. If I ever ask about it, when we´re discussing, he says he´s not sure. I only ask him to be open to talk, to not be stressed out or mad if I want to talk, and he says it stresses him out because it shows I´m insecure. He even said I ruined the evening because I asked it...that threw all the work I´ve been doing on myself, for that moment, away, and I felt really bad.

Also, he went back to denying he has feelings for me or that he ever did. He said he only told me that back then because he was feeling under pressure.

I still see the positive things in the relationship, I somehow still want it could work out. We´ve been together for over 2 years now...but I know he won´t change. We have the same issues he had with his ex (she and I talk sometimes) and he´s not willing to work on himself. I see that. I understand that. Still I´m here. I have to break free, I know.

Just for you to know: I´m a super independent woman. I work full time with nutrition research (aka I´m not dumb!), I have a daughter, lots of friends whom I spend time with, I go to shows and ride bikes, I travel a lot, most would say I´m an attractive woman. I´m just saying I do have a life, I don´t want to marry (done that, just got divorced! Yay!) him, have kids, move in together. I don´t ask for much: I ask for friendship, some caring, loving, respectful actions.

Writing this I want to bang my head against the wall - WHY AM I STILL HERE? Because I love him? That´s true, I still do, but that´s not enough. Because I don´t want to fail poly and I still think, as this is my first poly relationship, that I´m not able to do it because I´m so insecure and I want to overcome my insecurity and maybe I think this could then work out? Because I don´t want to "loose" and have him be happy/give what I want to someone else?

I´m sorry, I´m venting out. :( Maybe some of you do have another word or two for me. If not, it´s fine, too. Thank you.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
He's a narcissist, incapable of empathy or any feelings other than self love. He is gaslighting you. Get out, you deserve better.

Yes, you're normal, healthy, and you have a life. You can't teach him to feel feelings or understand others have feelings. His brain is broken. He will never be normal. And he doesn't care. He loves himself. Narcs think they are god's gift.

Leave him. You haven't "failed at poly." You will find a better man. Stop wasting your time.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sounds like you know you need to leave. And are slowing coming to terms with that maybe?

I can guess it is hard to think of yourself as a smart, independent woman. (I am sure you are!) Yet still fall for a dud. Don't beat yourself up for that -- instead focus your attention on getting rid of the dud! It's not like duds TELL you they are duds -- everyone puts on their best face when dating. Not their usual face. Now that you HAVE seen his usual face... you do not have to stay.

Staying there is upheaval, shaky ground. You seem to see that. You just will not feel secure staying there. He tears you down. There's nothing "stability building" about that. He selfish sounding and mean to you. You deserve to be treated WELL.

Point blank -- I think you need to get away from him so that the process of detachment can happen. Being away from him allows you time and space to get over loving him up close. If you are physically there, you just can't heal mentally and emotionally. You have to physically leave first so the rest can follow. It's like putting your hand on a fire. You just cannot expect to heal if you leave it there. You have to remove it in order for healing to begin.

Guard against sunk cost fallacy. It is not your job to teach him anything.
  • Don't think things like "I may as well keep dating him because I've already invested 2 years."
  • Think instead "After 2 years he is still not participating here in loving ways. He doesn't hold up his end of the stick. I need to invest in MY well being. So I'm off! This is a dud! I am cutting my losses!"

You are not failing at poly. You seem to be trying to hold up you end of the stick. He just doesn't hold his end. He's a dud. He already tears you down -- you don't need to do that too.

How would STAYING with the dud help you "succeed" at poly? I think dumping him and moving on to poly with healthier people would be a more successful move for you and your well being.

Let him go. Set you free. It will be ok. Seek a counselor for support if you need it. But walk away.

Galagirl
 
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LizziE

New member
How would STAYING with the dud help you "succeed" at poly? I think dumping him and moving on to poly with healthier people would be a more successful move for you and your well being.

I agree with this so much. What if you didn't know how to drive, and decided to learn, and someone gave you a shitty deathtrap of a car to learn to drive with? So shitty that you had to do things like habitually turn the AC on so the car didn't just stall out. And the turn signals randomly turned on and wouldn't turn off? And the driver's door didn't open, so you had to get in and out on the passenger side and crawl over to the drivers seat? There are no mirrors either, so you had to always look over your shoulder to merge? AND the car couldn't turn left without stalling, so to go left, you actually need to take 3 rights?

In theory, you could say you learned to "drive" in this car, but you learned a really fucked up, unhealthy way to drive that is incredibly difficult, as well as dangerous to those around you (because if you forgot to turn the AC on often enough on the highway, the car is going to stall).

Staying in a relationship with this guy for poly sounds like learning to drive in that car. Maybe, in theory, you can do it, but you'll probably learn a lot of really bad habits that you'll need to unlearn later, when you drive a normally-functioning car.

In terms of getting out, does it help to think of your daughter? What is she learning about relationships, by you staying with this guy?

I think you're probably still there in part because change is hard. Walking away from something is hard. It can feel like failure, even when it isn't. And it's a huge upheaval. Even when it's for the best, when it's giving yourself the healthy, peaceful life that you deserve, it's still hard.

But you should still do it.
 

loveboth

New member
Narcissists are infamously charming. They can deceive even the smartest cookies.

I am a smart, reasonably accomplished, fully rounded, independent woman who never in a million years would have described myself as codependent--until my GF suggested I read Codependent No More, and I was shocked to recognize myself in its pages. I was one person in my mind and another in my relationships. I don't suggest you're codependent, I'm only saying that sometimes our blindest spots can be ourselves.

Sounds to me like you're way too good a "catch" to be wasted on a man who doesn't treasure you. And that you have plenty of life to support you if you get out of the relationship--which sounds like the best plan.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from clalb):
"I still see the positive things in the relationship, I somehow still want it could work out."

What are the positive things that you see in the relationship?
 

nycindie

Active member
I feel like crap. He treats me like crap.
You don't need that. You can stop it by leaving.

. . . WHY AM I STILL HERE? Because I love him? That´s true, I still do, but that´s not enough. Because I don´t want to fail poly . . .

There is no governing body overseeing your relationship and granting you a Pass or Fail grade. Polyamory is just an approach to relationships, plain and simple. You're making "succeeding" at poly some lofty goal that would somehow reflect what kind of person you are. Poly is no more evolved or satisfying (or whatever) than monogamy can be. Healthy relationships are healthy relationships, no matter what form they take. It's the people IN the relationships that matter, not the relationship structure itself.

The only way to know if poly is working for you (success!) is if you are happy within a poly situation. If you are not happy, it might be that poly is not for you, or it might mean your partner is a cruel and abusive jackass. Since you are walking on eggshells around him and keep thinking it's all your fault that things are hard and you feel so bad in this situation, then I'd say go with his being a jackass.

He doesn't deserve you. He isn't worthy of being allowed to tie your shoelaces. And you continue to let him walk all over you, smart woman and all.

For your sake and the sake of your child who is learning how to be in relationships by observing you, get the hell out now. This is your life, and hers!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
You don't need that. You can stop it by leaving.



There is no governing body overseeing your relationship and granting you a Pass or Fail grade. Polyamory is just an approach to relationships, plain and simple. You're making "succeeding" at poly some lofty goal that would somehow reflect what kind of person you are. Poly is no more evolved or satisfying (or whatever) than monogamy can be. Healthy relationships are healthy relationships, no matter what form they take. It's the people IN the relationships that matter, not the relationship structure itself.

The only way to know if poly is working for you (success!) is if you are happy within a poly situation. If you are not happy, it might be that poly is not for you, or it might mean your partner is a cruel and abusive jackass. Since you are walking on eggshells around him and keep thinking it's all your fault that things are hard and you feel so bad in this situation, then I'd say go with his being a jackass.

He doesn't deserve you. He isn't worthy of being allowed to tie your shoelaces. And you continue to let him walk all over you, smart woman and all.

For your sake and the sake of your child who is learning how to be in relationships by observing you, get the hell out now. This is your life, and hers!

NYCindie, this is different from the advice you gave me when I was in a relationship with a Don Juan Narcissist! I guess I'd emphasised his charming side so much when he was in NRE with me, you couldn't understand how that charm was a cover for his internal emptiness until things got just over the top bad (when he was also dating a married couple and triangulating all of us).
 

nycindie

Active member
NYCindie, this is different from the advice you gave me when I was in a relationship with a Don Juan Narcissist! I guess I'd emphasised his charming side so much when he was in NRE with me, you couldn't understand how that charm was a cover for his internal emptiness until things got just over the top bad (when he was also dating a married couple and triangulating all of us).
Well, different people, different situations, and I'm older and hopefully wiser now. :eek: Besides, I just re-read this thread and I'm not seeing anything about clalb's partner that would make him seem charming at all!

Plus, I recall that there were a few things you revealed about Ginger after it was over, that I didn't realize when it was just starting to go bad and I was only thinking of him as a very poly guy who likes a lot of attention. I am sorry that whatever advice I offered still bothers you - I thought I apologized to you for coming across too harshly and/or not understanding - but if I didn't, I am apologizing now. I'm sorry!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
No need. And it just goes to show how charming that false front they put up can be!
 

clalb

New member
This is going to be long...

Thank you all for your replies. It means a lot. I´m working to cut the ties off, to feel confident about this decision.

Lizzie, your metaphor made sense to me. A lot. Also, what you and nycindie said about my daughter…this really got me. I never saw this as affecting her, as they don´t interact much – he´s not around much when she´s with me, although we do some stuff together every once in a while. But I´m sure she can feel that I´m not doing good – even if she can´t relate it directly to my relationship with Menace now (or maybe she already can?), it can influence her. This was actually one of the most important reasons why I decided to separate from her dad, 3 years ago: because I wanted her to know that you can and deserve to be in a relationship that you´re happy, or be in no relationship at all, rather than be in one that you´re not happy. And look where I am now. :(

The codependent thing got me thinking, too, loveboth. I read a few stuff and was surprised, too, to recognize myself in some points. It could also be the way I react to his not very good social skills, that I try to compensate it, but it´s definitely a point I should bring up in therapy.

Kevin, about the positive things I still see in the relationship, I think they´re still the same as they were before – and GalaGirl pointed them out as not being that positive back then. I´ll write them down again – and some contrapoints I see now, too:

• He gives me a lot of freedom. He gives me my space, he doesn´t complain or make drama when there´s some other partner (casual or my friend S.). On the other hand, I wish we could talk more openly, really as friends and sharing how we feel toward other partners, but as he compartimentizes so much, he´s not really open to that.

• He´s very independent – which I think it´s great. He´s egoist. I know that might not be a quality per se, but as I lack a bit of it and I´ve been working on myself over the past years to put myself first, I still see him putting himself first as “the right thing to do”. But more and more I can see that he could still put himself first and be able to compromise, if he wanted to, if he cared enough about me and our relationship. Right?

• We have a lot of mutual interests, mostly regarding our eating, lifestyle, music, traveling.

• Sex is great. It still is. Even after all this time and difficulties, I´m still very attracted sexually to him. And I´m a very sexual person. I have a very high sex drive – higher than his. And I think I wasn´t sexually attracted to my other partners when I ended the previous relationships. I know sex will be great with other partners, too, but I´m just being honest that this is something that makes it hard to leave.

• He is a nice guy. He´s funny, he´s intelligent. I still admire him. We have so much fun together - or we used to.

You see, I still have trouble saying he is a jerk. :(

I can see now that he has been neglecting my needs (that being sex, a hug, whatever) in a way that is not respectful. Not as your partner, not as a friend. Not to someone you care. He has been there for me before, but…

One other thing I would like to share, regarding this, as it´s important and reflects how things have been. We were in vacation together for almost 4 weeks in Southeast Asia and it was not easy. One day I was lying next to him, skyping with my daughter and he was texting. I wanted to tell him something and I saw a message of a FWB. He assured me before that it was just FWB, no feelings, whatever, from each side. I wouldn´t have a problem if there is, I just want to know how things are – that´s all I always ask. Her message said: “I´m missing you, but trying not to think about it, because, you know…” it sounded to me that it could be more involved, from her side, then only FWB, and I asked him if things have changed. He said no. I didn´t really believe him and that was my mistake, but this became a huge fight and I totally lost my mind. He kept telling me how insecure I am. I still said I wanted not to be insecure, that I would work on myself not to be - and he made it clear that is my problem, not his. We still had about 10 days together in vacation. He wasn´t mean or completely ignored me, but he was hardly talking to me and, when he did, he wouldn´t really look at me. I tried to talk, to say we could still try to have some nice days together (I know, I feel like I´ve been begging for a lot in this relationship, loosing respect for myself and I hate that)...he needed space. I needed to, but I thought we could try to do it differently because we were together there. It got to a point where I couldn´t handle the way he was acting - INDIFFERENT - and I even wanted to come back earlier. I then decided, no, it was my vacation, he wanted to come along, I wouldn´t let him destroy it. I started leaving very early in the morning to practice yoga and would only come back when he was asleep - I met some nice people, too, whom I could talk to, who hugged me. I was feeling shitty and asked Menace to hug me in those days and he denied it...after a few days, he just went back to normal, as if nothing ever happened. :(

GalaGirl, Magdlyn, thanks for reminding me that´s not me failing poly. I still believe a poly lifestyle is what I want. As nycindie pointed out, I think the way he does poly is just not right for me…

And, Magdly, about the charming part: I have the feeling every time I start to get away, he starts to be nice again to me – his “being nice” is not super charming, but, as nycindie once pointed out, he throws those bread crumbs (like touching me when we meet, asking if I want to do something) and I see it as a positive thing. I don´t know if he does it in a conscious way…I once told him that and he told it´s just when I do that, I´m not demanding, and I makes him want to see me more… :/

I also think we both have passed the point where we have to end it, but we haven´t yet. I´m not communicating much. He isn´t, either, but he does starts some casual conversations…I want to talk to him when my daughter is not around, when she´s at her dad´s. And also when I´m feeling secure, not through a discussion or anything. It might also be me making excuses to postpone it. I´m not sure. Deep inside I still wish he could compromise, that he could understand that I just want to be respected, appreciated and listened to, and give me that. But he won´t.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
That vacation thing sounds like drama. I am sorry that happened when you were trying to enjoy a break. I am glad you decided to get out on your own and leave him to stew by himself rather than keep fueling his attention supply. (positive or negative it doesn't matter -- attention is attention)

And look what happened? You get up early, do yoga, meet people, etc. Making the best of it. No more dancing attendance on him in his huff. What happens next?

after a few days, he just went back to normal, as if nothing ever happened.

He sure got over it quick! I think because you attentions were elsewhere.

I have the feeling every time I start to get away, he starts to be nice again to me

That is not a feeling. That is direct observation. I think he does that to suck you back in.

It's part of the cycle of abuse. Blow up, fake roses, blow up, fake roses.

It might sound nitpicky, but if one of your goals is to become more assertive, I think you could used "feeling" for actual emotions like scared, happy, sad, glad, mad. "Thinking" for your actual thoughts. "Experiencing" for your actual experiences and "observe" for direct observations. Could be more clear in your own dealings so it is easier for you to expect same from others and makes easier for you to spot when someone else is being all "slippery fish" evasive / foggy /vague / weird in their dealings.

he told it´s just when I do that, I´m not demanding, and I makes him want to see me more… :/

People are not mind readers. You HAVE to ask in order for your requests to be made known. That is not being "demanding."

I think you are being groomed to accept less than basic polite. If you are taught to accept poor treatment as the "normal baseline?" Then when he finally dishes out some "basic polite/nice" it makes it seem "extra special" when really it is "bare minumum."

And that makes it easier on him to keep you on his string. Doesn't have to do much than throw some crumbs once in a while and gets away with treating you less than basic polite the rest of the time.

I had a friend who had a hard time seeing that her (then) husband was like that. Put her down all the time, withheld affection, and more emotional abuse things. So when he DID do something it went one of two ways.

1) She'd be so grateful for a "nice" gesture that she would overflow with extra attention, love, and services for HIM. Which means he got to enjoy services rendered bought cheap. He wasn't doing it for her. He was doing it for him and to buy cheap.

2) Or he made the "nice" gesture so HE could get away with something. Like she got tired doing the laundry and often left it on the couch in a basket to put it away later. So he put it all away one day and she was thrilled at the nice gesture. But it wasn't nice. It was only "nice." He really didn't do that to be kind. He did it for ammunition. So later when she asked him why he's overspent on car crazy to the tune of several grand when they worry about making rent? Now he could blame shift and bitch about "how he does nice things for her like the laundry and how he can never do anything right for her because she's never satisfied. And how she never wants him to have nice things too, she just wants them all. She's mean and ungrateful and a nag and yada yada. " Then she would feel overwhelmed, guilty, confused, bullied, and back off when really... what does one thing have to do with the other? :confused:

Be nice to be nice. Don't blow the budget on car luxuries. If you can only do one, don't blow the money. In the long run, she'd appreciate not being EVICTED more than having the clean clothes in a basket on the couch still left to be put away.

She eventually left him.

I also think we both have passed the point where we have to end it, but we haven´t yet.

I want to talk to him when my daughter is not around, when she´s at her dad´s. And also when I´m feeling secure, not through a discussion or anything. It might also be me making excuses to postpone it. I´m not sure

I think you confuse "I feel anxious" with "I feel insecure." The way to solve the "pending doom" anxiety is to just break up and get it over with so you can move on to healing. Learn that you can handle this (and you CAN) so next time it's not so anxious making.

Deep inside I still wish he could compromise, that he could understand that I just want to be respected, appreciated and listened to, and give me that. But he won´t.

That sounds like "Break up with regrets" type rather than "Break up and good riddance" type. But still a break up.

I encourage you to end it and not drag out the breaking up part. Linger instead in the healing place. That's a better place to linger.

Maybe consider going to healthy dating class from the nearest women's shelter or work with a counselor to help you in that healing. I hope your next dating partner is more worthy of you.

You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated WELL.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi clalb,

Let me ask you this: What would it take to *save* the relationship? Can you make a list?
 

clalb

New member
GalaGirl,

thanks again for all the input.

Reading about emotional abuse now, I got a bit confused. I could identify 14 items out of the 30 from that link, but I´m not sure this is really happening. It could be a denial, but also it could only be that he can´t give me what I want. I mean, he has said that he has no feelings for me (even though he said he had back in the summer, when things with V. were going on) and that that´s the way he is (no comppliments, no saying nice things) either I take it or leave it. That he wouldn´t be around, go on vacation with me if I wasn´t important - why do I need to hear him saying it, if his actions are showing me that?

To a point, that´s true. To the other, if I need to talk, if I ask for something, he won´t do it to reasure me, because I ask. If I don´t ask, he won´t do it (even though he knows I need it).

He surely is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time, doesn´t really show empathy or compassion (I´m not even sure he is capable of really feeling it, and I told him that, which he disagrees). He withhold sex, but I´m not sure if it´s because he wants to control me. I don´t think so. He says it´s because he doesn´t want it atm, or because after a discussion, he doesn´t feel like it. I must admit I have a hard time respecting this boundary, I tried to ask "why not? Let´s try it." a few times, too.

So, I´m not sure he´s emotionally abusing me or he just can´t give me what I want. Is there even a difference?
 

clalb

New member
Hi clalb,

Let me ask you this: What would it take to *save* the relationship? Can you make a list?

I made a list of things I want in a relationship (I will still let the list in the end), but all I think it would take to safe the relationship is, first, from my side, that I work through my insecurities/anxiety issues.

Second, that he becomes more open to respecting my feelings, my need to talk and not become stressed out when I even mention it. That he´d be open to show me more affection and also say, every once in a while, a few nice things to me. A few (see #1).

1) I need to be respect, feel appreciated, be heard - also my feelings, my need to talk. He could do it by talking to me and listening, not getting stressed out if I say I want to talk, if I feel anxious. He could say "it´s nice to see you" when we meet. He could say he likes having sex with me (he says he does, if I ask him). He could say he cares without me asking him. Look, I´m not saying I want to hear it ALL THE TIME. In fact, I don´t like hearing it all the time. I want to hear it once. Or every once in a while if I´m feeling anxious/insecure.

2) I want to be able to make plans together, i.e., vacations. We do have been on vacations together for those two year we´ve been together, but we can´t talk about it beforehand. Only when it´s like a month ahead and we book tickets. I know things change all the time, but still I want to be able to make plans - even if they end up not coming true, I think it´s important to have something to look forward together. He could be open for that.

3) I want to know the other person is there for me, as I am for him. Through good and bad times, I want to count on them (also on my close friends). He´s been there when I asked him to, but I´m never really sure he is going to be available or that he actually cares about being there.

4) I want to feel loved. Showing more affection, even after sex, or whilliness to spend more time together. Or all of the above.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I could identify 14 items out of the 30 from that link, but I´m not sure this is really happening

Anyone can have a bad day. Do one of those things and then apologize after and refrain from doing it again.

But 14 out of 30? Always something? No apology and no problem solving together -- just shooing it all on your plate says it is all YOUR problem?

Honey, it is happening.

You need other examples?

http://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/male-perpetrators-domestic-violence/mens-tactics

So, I´m not sure he´s emotionally abusing me or he just can´t give me what I want. Is there even a difference?

In practical terms? Nope. I don't think so.

  • Because you don't stay if he's emotionally abusing you. Not a match.
  • And you don't stay if he can't give you what you want. Not a match.
  • And if it is BOTH emotional abuse AND he doesn't give you what you want? Still not a match.

You keep walking out the door.


You have worth, value, and dignity. You deserve to be treated well.

He's not up to snuff, does not treat you how you want to be treated, so keep walking away. It sounds like it's ended in all but name, so put the final nail in the coffin.

It isn't giving up. It's giving you freedom from any more new unhappy stuff, and freedom to heal from the old stuff and freedom to seek a better match moving forward. A healthier one that treats you how you deserve -- treats you WELL.

Galagirl
 
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