thoughts and mixed feelings

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I used to try to explain my feelings to my ex, who had Asperger's. Of course, Aspie people are lacking in empathy, so I tried to cut him a break. But after 2 years of a relationship, I realized it went deeper, he was a Narcissist, that is a psychopathic illness. He was entirely self centered. He'd please me only if it pleased him as well. He triangulated me with his OSOs. He belittled my feelings, and smirked at my pain.

Look at the 30 red flags on this page.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?212-30-Red-Flags

Once I realized how many traits my ex had, I couldn't dump him fast enough.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
.....He kept telling me how insecure I am. I still said I wanted not to be insecure, that I would work on myself not to be - and he made it clear that is my problem, not his. We still had about 10 days together in vacation. He wasn´t mean or completely ignored me, but he was hardly talking to me and, when he did, he wouldn´t really look at me. I tried to talk, to say we could still try to have some nice days together (I know, I feel like I´ve been begging for a lot in this relationship, loosing respect for myself and I hate that)...he needed space. I needed to, but I thought we could try to do it differently because we were together there. It got to a point where I couldn´t handle the way he was acting - INDIFFERENT -

The partner you want is someone who hears you and loves you and holds you when you express insecurity. Ignoring you, acting indifferent with you, telling you that your feelings are your problem - that is all just bullshit coverup for being petrified of deep emotional involvement. Yes, you are responsible for your own feelings, but good partners know this about themselves so well that they are able to handle their own insecurities that are awakened by hearing about their parter's insecurities. Your partner is extremely insecure and fearful of working with deep emotion, which is evidenced by the dynamic you're describing in this vacation scenario.

You can't drag "good partner" out of him. I've experienced moments like this in relationships and it's just about the worst feeling on earth for me. If this were me, with all I know now and with the way I cherish myself now, I'd be handing him his pink slip at the first sign of this crap. A good partner is someone who holds you with tender loving care when you're feeling small. This guy feels way too small himself to even begin to be able to do that for you.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You mentioned working through your insecurities/anxiety issues. Can you come up with a plan for doing that?
 

clalb

New member
It sounds like it's ended in all but name, so put the final nail in the coffin.

It isn't giving up. It's giving you freedom from any more new unhappy stuff, and freedom to heal from the old stuff and freedom to seek a better match moving forward. A healthier one that treats you how you deserve -- treats you WELL.

Galagirl

Yeah, that´s it. It´s ended in all but name. We haven´t been chating at all since almost 3 days - and we usually chat everyday. The only time it happened was when I asked that we do not while I was on vacation with my daughter after all the drama with V. and then when we took a break. This time, we didn´t say anything, but no one is reaching out. I still want to talk and put an end to it. For closure.

I´m feeling sad, I felt like crying this morning, wanting to reach out. But I have nothing to say other than ending things, and I only want to do it when we can meet.
 

clalb

New member
I used to try to explain my feelings to my ex, who had Asperger's. Of course, Aspie people are lacking in empathy, so I tried to cut him a break. But after 2 years of a relationship, I realized it went deeper, he was a Narcissist, that is a psychopathic illness. He was entirely self centered. He'd please me only if it pleased him as well. He triangulated me with his OSOs. He belittled my feelings, and smirked at my pain.

Look at the 30 red flags on this page.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?212-30-Red-Flags

Once I realized how many traits my ex had, I couldn't dump him fast enough.

Mags, thanks for the link. I could see a lot of traits he has, too. :(

I´m pretty sure Menace is a Narcissist. He even said that one time... He is definitely self centered and only pleases me (or anyone else) if it pleases him as well...
 

clalb

New member
The partner you want is someone who hears you and loves you and holds you when you express insecurity. Ignoring you, acting indifferent with you, telling you that your feelings are your problem - that is all just bullshit coverup for being petrified of deep emotional involvement. Yes, you are responsible for your own feelings, but good partners know this about themselves so well that they are able to handle their own insecurities that are awakened by hearing about their parter's insecurities. Your partner is extremely insecure and fearful of working with deep emotion, which is evidenced by the dynamic you're describing in this vacation scenario.

You can't drag "good partner" out of him. I've experienced moments like this in relationships and it's just about the worst feeling on earth for me. If this were me, with all I know now and with the way I cherish myself now, I'd be handing him his pink slip at the first sign of this crap. A good partner is someone who holds you with tender loving care when you're feeling small. This guy feels way too small himself to even begin to be able to do that for you.

Thanks for your words.

I think you´re right about him being insecure about his deep emotions - he never wants to go there. It´s probably also one of the reasons I sticked aroud. I thought he could deal with it, at some point, or I could help him go there and deal with it.

And you´re right, too, when you say it´s about the worst feeling on earth. In that vacation drama I breafly resumed, I felt suicidal. It was not just what was happening in that moment, but all the feelings together from since summer...and yes, I´ve told him several times before: if I start to behave insecure or anxious, just hold me on your arms, it helps me calm down and feel cared. He never did. Never.
 

clalb

New member
You mentioned working through your insecurities/anxiety issues. Can you come up with a plan for doing that?

I´ve been doing yoga every day (I started in the summer occasionaly and have been taking it more seriously since December and even more since during that vacation) and this has been helping me a lot. The breathing exercises help me calm down and also get my head clear.

I´m seeing a counselor and working on the deepths of this.

Also, I must say I was never really insecure in relationships. I might need a partner that shows me that he values me (he did, in some small ways, and that might be the way he could show me that, I don´t know).

Regarding the anxiety, I need to be able to talk to my partner, that he be upfront with me about what is going on on his dating life, if he´s pursuing anyone, how he feels torwards his partners. I don´t want oversharing, but I want to be able to talk about that. If I don´t, I keep playind movies in my head - and this also has to stop, with or without a partners help.
 

nycindie

Active member
But I have nothing to say other than ending things, and I only want to do it when we can meet.

How long are you willing to put your life on hold? While I understand wanting to do the noble thing of breaking up in person, sometimes it's best to not do that, not see them face to face. You can send a letter, or do it on the phone. I think the most important thing is for you to make a choice and take a stand for yourself, instead of waiting around for him to show up when he wants to. By waiting, you're still putting everything in his hands. I say, rip the Band-Aid off. Call him up and spill it. Get it over with and be free of him, and then hang up the phone. That way, you can remain strong in the choice you've made and not be swayed, manipulated, or charmed into some other kind of limbo.
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi clalb,

I think my advice is to stay focused on the things that lie in your power to do. You can do yoga/breathing exercises. You can work with your counselor. And, you can call your partner or write him a letter, informing him that you're breaking up with him. This way it wouldn't be up to him (because if it was up to him, you'd have a long wait on your hands) when he was going to agree to meet you in person. Don't let him have that kind of power over your life.

I hope this advice helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
This time, we didn´t say anything, but no one is reaching out. I still want to talk and put an end to it. For closure.

Could do it over email short and sweet -- "I am breaking up with you. Do not contact me again" and get it over with. Then block his number and email and things so he's not trying to suck you back in.

YOU give you closure.

In that vacation drama I breafly resumed, I felt suicidal.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you feel a bit better in telling your story here and a lot better as you tell your story to your counselor so you can heal from this experience.

I´m seeing a counselor and working on the depths of this.

I am really glad to hear that you have arranged that for yourself. That sounds like constructive steps.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

LizziE

New member
I agree with PPs, even as I've done the same thing you're doing now - deciding that there is a specific way I must break up with someone, because it's the best, honorable, nicest, most taking-ownership, whatever way to break up.

If you want, you can break up with him right now. A phone call, an email.

Menace,

I've given it a lot of thought, and this doesn't work for me. I'm breaking up with you. I won't be answering any messages/calls/texts from you, as I need time for myself.

-Clalb


And that's it. You're done.

FTR, if there's a specific reason you want to do it in person like "If it's not in person, he'll be mad that I did it not in person/over the phone/over email/whatever", chances are good that he'll find some reason to be angry about the break up no matter what, if he wants to be angry about the break up.

Also, it's possible that he's not breaking up with you, because if you initiate the break up, then he can try to make you "the bad guy" who "gave up" or "wouldn't try hard enough" or is too selfish to really put yourself into the relationship 100% so it could work.

That's the kind of thing that some manipulative assholes say and do so they can have their cake and eat it too. They can be selfish, shitty assholes who treat you badly during the relationship and THEN when you break up with them, be the martyr because YOU'RE the one who gave up on THEM. So you're the bad guy.

This is all total guesswork on my part, but from other things you said, it could be true.

Short & sweet, what I'm trying to say is if you want to break up with him, you can do it right this second. And then start grieving if you need to grieve and getting on with your life slowly, finding poly partners who do poly the way that you do, and treat you like the valuable, wonderful person that you are.
 

clalb

New member
Hey you all.

This is going to be long.

It´s been a while. It has taken me some strenght and courage to come back to this post to update you all. I wanted to do it for all the help and time you gave me through this and also because I read some posts of people going through similar things with partners - not knowing when to step out, trying to believe that the partner could change because we are asking for so little...I recall reading some advices back then and thinking: "but we could work it out". I didn´t want to see we weren´t good matches.

Also, I want to share it - even though I still feel ashamed - as a process of not being so hard on myself and also not punishing me; as a process of healing and getting stronger.

Back when I last wrote here, against all your wise advices, I texted him saying we should talk. We did and I did say I was breaking up with him - as I needed this and that and wasn´t getting it. He started, as always, saying he did care, I was important, he would be there for me. I bought it and stayed, as always. I still thought I could "drag" a good partner out of him - what a good partner for me would be.

Fast forward 1 month and a half, things weren´t good. The same old issues - surprise! Yes, it is really hard being in this fog, not wanting to let go, when you should. Something bad happened, I asked if he could come over and give me a hug. It was a Monday. He said he would like to be there for me as friend, but he was still mad at me because of Friday (really?! we had argued because I wanted to meet after one week without seeing each other and it would also be the last time we could see each other without my kid being around before I´d go on a 3-week vacation. But we didn´t. ), so he didn´t really feel like comforting me. I said: "fair enough. I just think you´d do this for any friend, or even an acquaintance. You haven´t been treating me like a partner, not even a close friend, not even a friend. I want people around me whom I care for and who cares for me. I´m out of it." Per text. He replied saying the same as usual: of course he cares, I´m important, etc. But this time I just didn´t reply.

I went on vacation and was feeling good. A commom friend of ours saw me right after - even before the vacation - and said I looked happy. That´s how I was feeling: happy, light, free.

When I came back, we met at a show. I have had a few drinks and we ended up talking, he came to my place, we had sex. It was good, but I didn´t feel emotionally connected to him. I thought: "good, we can be sex buddies, that´s fine. I still like him as a person". Some weeks go by and he starts texting me a lot, being really helpful, supportive, even asking if I needed a hug when I was kind of heartbroken for a really strong NRE I was feeling (who was monogamous and just decided to go back to his girlfriend, anyways). I just felt into the same pattern as before: the texting, the wanting to see him, etc.

I´ll cut things short, as I was writing explaining it all and it was too long and it probably isn´t really relavant. If it´s hard to understand, I can give more information.

We went to a show and an interest of his (a colleague) would be there. I asked for some reassurance, which he couldn´t give me (as always), instead, he said: "i´ll do whatever I want. And if I feel that being close to you will diminish my chances of getting her, I won´t be close to you. But if I want to make a move on her, you have to deal with it". I tried to be "cool", ignore how I was feeling (almost all the time in the last year).

Things didn´t develop good at the show and after he being really agressive in talking to me, I had a massive breakdown. Like a serious breakdown. Totally out of control, where I can´t even now recognize myself or believe I did that. If you think it´s relevant and would help someone else, I can write about it, but right now I will just say it took me this, to get to the very bottom of physically hurting myself, to know that this had to stop. That I NEEDED to get out. And this means no contact at all, not seeing him, avoiding shows where I know he will be.

I´m looking at it as if I am a drug addict. Any contact now can get me back to where I was - as he doesn´t really care. It´s been almost 3 weeks. I still think of him, I still would like to be in touch, to be friends. But I know I can´t. Not now. Maybe never. I still think he was a good person, he gave me all, but I was wanting too much asking for reassurance - then I go back to: "no, he wasn´t a good partner. He just cared about himself".

Now I´m working on myself to respect my limits. To identify them, as I always do, but respect my boundaries. Not go over and over them. I still find it hard to identify "when should I stop trying?".

I´m healing. It still hurts, but I´m in a better place right now. And I know I´ll be fine.

Once again, thank you all for all your help. I really hope this helps someone going through a similar situation to let go before it gets to a point where you have a breakdown.
 
Last edited:

GalaGirl

Well-known member
That was brave of you to post.

I am very glad you have broken free from this bad situation/bad habit.

I am glad to hear you are working on yourself to keep your own boundaries and respect your own limits so you know when to walk away from toxic people and protect yourself.

I´m healing. It still hurts, but I´m in a better place right now. And I know I´ll be fine.

I am so glad to hear you are in a better place. I hope things continue to get better for you.

hugs,
Galagirl
 
Last edited:

opalescent

Active member
@clalb,

Sometimes it takes us longer than it 'should have' to learn a lesson like this. I read an article somewhere (will try and find it) where the author advocated that people develop self-compassion instead of self-love. I thought was a great idea. I'm not giving up on the idea of loving oneself but it is so abstract. How does one love oneself? But compassion for myself, especially if I re-frame it as if I was a friend and looking in on the outside. How would I treat myself? Way more gently usually.

So, specifically, you did the best you could at the time. Now you have learned something important and are finally able to act on it. You are again doing the best you can at this moment in time. This is a time for kudos, despite the sorrow and regret you may be experiencing. Regret and blame are killers. Do your best to be gentle with yourself, acknowledge you would have done things differently if you could have but you were not in a place for that. Learn what you need to from this situation, give yourself credit for learning (some people never do!) and move on. Which sounds like exactly what you are doing.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi clalb,

I agree with opalescent, you need to give yourself credit for doing the best you can. Sometimes you have to break up with someone to learn the things that you need to learn. I think you have done that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

clalb

New member
Thank you all for your kind words. It´s a long way, I know...

@opalescent, if you happen to find that text, I would love to read it.
 
Top