threesome questions

B&JENM

New member
Hi there,

I’ve posted about my situation in various forms, but I have a new question as things change over time. My nicknames keep changing too.. ha

Jay and I are married. I have a FWB with Dal. Jay has not yet found a FWB. Jay and I stay together, as we have our intimate relationships with other people.

We are new to the ENM community. We also have an ENM therapist/mentor who is helping us navigate. I thought I’d post here as well for support.

So, ideally, both Jay and I could have dates with our FWBs at the same time and all get along great. But that may not be possible. It may also take a while for my husband to find a FWB that is a good match for us.

For now, we may move on toward a threesome idea with Dal. None of us have had a threesome of any sort. We are taking our time, as in holding off on full sexual experiences, as our relationship progresses.

Any ideas on how to ease into this type of thing? I mean, is it like me flirting with both on one date, then kiss both the next, then over time it’s just feels natural to engage them both at the same time, where they feel comfortable, as well? I’m a slow to warm up type person. The idea of a threesome sounds appealing, but also overwhelming, so easing into it over time I think works best for my temperament/personality. I think Dal would appreciate the easing into it as well. I think Jay is comfortable already with idea of a threesome and doesn’t really seem anxious about it.
 
Welcome.

Jay and I stay together, as we have our intimate relationships with other people.
Does that mean you and Jay want group sex, or want to share sex in the same room while you are each with your other partners, or some other combinations?

Ideally, Jay and I could have dates with our FWBs at the same time and all get along great.

Why? You can't just see your FWB separately? Do you want group dates, or group hang-outs?

Group sex doesn't HAVE to be a part of your ENM practice right now, or ever. You can just date separately.

If you to want to include it eventually... does it have to be RIGHT NOW, at the beginning of your ENM journey?


For now, we may move on towards the threesome idea with Dal.

Is Dal agreeable with that idea? Have you asked him and obtained his consent?

I think if you and Dal both need some easing in, while Jay is ready to just get naked and share sex, you could slow it down to where you and Dal need it to be. Maybe start fully clothed, with some kissing and making out, and then stop and that's it for that encounter. Step back and process that. Later, maybe do the same again, but with shirts off. Then stop. Baby steps.

How you three actually design your "easing in" is up to you all. I suggest educating yourselves. But it's more than leading up to the group sex encounter, it's what happens AFTER, too.

What if one of you feels "meh" about the experience, but the other two, or just one, REALLY liked the threesome and want more. Now what? Can they seek threesomes elsewhere, and leave the ones that don't want it anymore alone? Can the one(s) that don't want it be okay with the person seeking threesomes elsewhere without them?

What if group sex becomes the new obsession and 1:1 sex takes a hit? Now what?

What if, in sharing threesome sex, Dal decides he likes Jay more than you and wants to break up with you and date Jay instead? Now what?

What if, in sharing threesome sex, things go poorly somehow, and someone freaks out? What's the aftercare plan?

What if, in sharing threesome sex, Jay doesn't like what he sees, thinks you enjoy Dal more than him, and gets weird or wants you to dump Dal? Now what?

What if, in sharing threesome sex, Dal doesn't like what he sees, thinks you enjoy Jay more than him, and gets weird or wants you to dump Jay? Now what?

What if, in sharing threesome sex, you don't like what you see, think Jay and Dal enjoyed each other more than you, and feel weird and want to be away from both? Now what?

What if, in sharing threesome sex, it gets too intense, one person goes non-verbal and the other person(s) get carried away. Sexual activities happen that they do not really want. How would this be prevented? What if they feel assaulted? Now what?

There could be other things to think about and talk about. Definitely talk about a safe word.

Galagirl
 
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Have you read any of the resources in the sticky at the top of this forum?


I recommended earlier that you and Jay do more research before jumping whole hog into polyamory, or ENM. But it seems you're still seeing Dal regularly and are now even contemplating group sex, and asking for advice about that.

ENM or polyamory do not equal group sex. You can do that, but it's a whole separate thing. Just fooling around without knowing what you're doing can lead to all the problems GG has listed.

Even your title is concerning. Do you know what a "throuple" is? It's a full-on group relationship where everyone involved is equally romantically and sexually involved. That would require both guys to be bisexual. Are they? If they aren't, you aren't in a "throuple" (aka triad). You are in a V. You are the hinge. You are dating two partners, but they aren't dating each other.

If Jay started dating another woman, he would be the hinge in a new V, where he dates her and you. If Dal starts dating someone new as well, he would be the hinge in a further V. No metamours need to date or have sex with any other metamour. So you can end up with an N shape, or a W shape, in a poly "network."

Do the men want to date each other? Do they want to have sex with each other? Or are they straight and just want threesome sex where they both pleasure you, but don't want to actually purposely touch, kiss or pleasure each other directly? Threeway sex can include everyone touching each other, if everyone is attracted to each other, or just two of the three touching the one they are attracted to.
 
Hi B&JENM,

To ease into this type of thing, I would suggest you flirt with both on one date, then kiss both on the next date, then over time just progress as it feels natural to engage them both at the same time, where they feel comfortable as well. The idea of a threesome is hot, but beware, threesomes can be very complicated, one person may feel left out, or even pushed into doing something that makes them uncomfortable. So I would suggest you ease into it a little at a time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Have you read any of the resources in the sticky at the top of this forum?


I recommended earlier that you and Jay do more research before jumping whole hog into polyamory, or ENM. But it seems you're still seeing Dal regularly and are now even contemplating group sex, and asking for advice about that.

ENM or polyamory do not equal group sex. You can do that, but it's a whole separate thing. Just fooling around without knowing what you're doing can lead to all the problems GG has listed.

Even your title is concerning. Do you know what a "throuple" is? It's a full-on group relationship where everyone involved is equally romantically and sexually involved. That would require both guys to be bisexual. Are they? If they aren't, you aren't in a "throuple" (aka triad). You are in a V. You are the hinge. You are dating two partners, but they aren't dating each other.

If Jay started dating another woman, he would be the hinge in a new V, where he dates her and you. If Dal starts dating someone new as well, he would be the hinge in a further V. No metamours need to date or have sex with any other metamour. So you can end up with an N shape, or a W shape, in a poly "network."

Do the men want to date each other? Do they want to have sex with each other? Or are they straight and just want threesome sex where they both pleasure you, but don't want to actually purposely touch, kiss or pleasure each other directly? Threeway sex can include everyone touching each other, if everyone is attracted to each other, or just two of the three touching the one they are attracted to.
Yeah, I was using throuple incorrectly. They are both straight. I’m working on the resources and learning more. It takes time.

I changed the title.
 
Hi B&JENM,

To ease into this type of thing, I would suggest you flirt with both on one date, then kiss both on the next date, then over time just progress as it feels natural to engage them both at the same time, where they feel comfortable as well. The idea of a threesome is hot, but beware, threesomes can be very complicated, one person may feel left out, or even pushed into doing something that makes them uncomfortable. So I would suggest you ease into it a little at a time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Thank you Kevin. Your response feels very supportive. I have a lot to learn!
 
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