Threesomes

jdicky700

New member
OK. I am hoping for some advice.

My wife and I recently embarked on a poly journey with my best friend (and the man I recently found out she has been having an affair with, story is in another thread).

We have "patched" things up...some healing needs to take place but I love him and her although the relationship is not physical with him.

We are soon to be taking our first official co-date with her for Valentine's day. It is a surprise for her. We are both excited.

My wife does have a major fantasy of making love to both of us at the same time. She keeps hinting at it to me. Is this something I should approach him about? Or is this something that should just happen naturally if it happens at all? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Scripts don't work. Don't even attempt to imagine how any threesome is going to play out. It never turns out like that. Hell, pretty much any aspect of life doesn't turn out like the script you've drafted in your head lol.

Since you and he get on so well, you can always have a private chat about your boundaries and what you'll just let slide. There will bound to be accidents with regards to touching if you didn't want that. Your lovely lady might even take one of you in each hand and have a "sword fight" - anything can really happen in the heat of the moment. What's going to cause little panic, what's going to cause big panic? Some of these can be anticipated, some might surprise you. What will you all do if something surprisingly panics someone? Or angers someone?

Last time I was in a MFM threesome it was tough. It can become a lot of work for the lass, and my favourite bit was actually lying peacefully getting both arms and hands massaged at the same time in sync. Much more enjoyable than a spit roast (for me).
 
That's kind of what I'm leaning towards...not trying to force the issue. My wife has said he has mentioned it before so I wasn't sure if I should bring it up to him. It's not that I'm chomping at the bit for it to happen although the thought of fulfilling such a big fantasy for her is deeply arousing to me.

I want to mention it to him so we have some dialogue about it...but I'm afraid he may take it the wrong way. I don't want him to think I'm trying to get something going with him.
 
That's kind of what I'm leaning towards...not trying to force the issue. My wife has said he has mentioned it before so I wasn't sure if I should bring it up to him. It's not that I'm chomping at the bit for it to happen although the thought of fulfilling such a big fantasy for her is deeply arousing to me.

I want to mention it to him so we have some dialogue about it...but I'm afraid he may take it the wrong way. I don't want him to think I'm trying to get something going with him.

Hi, I read your other threads. I read where you said you've started to imagine kissing him. Where you've spent hot times having sex with your wife while fantasising out loud about having your meta in bed too. (BTW, give your wife and partner nicknames, as we ask in the Rules and Guidelines, please!)

So! You seem to be suddenly bi-curious. BUT, and it's a big BUT, you've only been openly poly for 2 WEEKS! As Galagirl has suggested,your wife and meta both have some making up to you to do for having cheated.

So, do what you want. You're an adult. But I'd highly recommend you take it easy on the 3some idea for now. Your wife and meta have NRE for each other. You have NRE for your meta. You all have NRE for polyamory itself. You have love for your meta. AND you're sexually attracted to him at least somewhat. All of your genitals are so aroused, they are doing the thinking for you.

It's up to you, hon, but please. Don't just get drunk and fall into bed like a bunch of idiots. There are so many pitfalls to sexual threesomes. The chance of someone feeling left out is very real. And also, you don't know if your meta is bi or bi curious. What if he gets really grossed out when your body parts or dicks touch? What if you do? What if this causes the whole thing to stop? What if this upsets your wife and she flounces off in tears? Etc. Etc.

These things must be done delicately. Or you'll hurt the spell.

And by the way? You said you don't want him to "think you're trying to get something going with him." But you DO want to get something going with him! Why deny it?
 
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I agree that threesomes can go terribly awry and that scripts can't be followed. Happily for us, when The Signal, K, and I embarked on our first real threesome it went much better than any of us had anticipated, and in fact it really launched the "this could actually work!" phase of our triad.

Looking back on it I think what made it successful was what makes a closed triad successful in the first place: that the constituent parts of the triad worked on their own. In our case the potential weak link was the sexual relationship between The Signal and K, especially as this was my wife's first same-sex relationship. K was aware of this and I had let them explore on their own. They were comfortable enough with each other that when the three of us were together they were comfortable too. In your case I would consider being with your wife's partner alone if that is possible... I realize it may not be.

I guess I was a bit in Evie's situation in that I was the odd person out gender-wise. I was fortunate in that their attention to each other alleviated some of the heavy lifting. And K had done it before so she was able to "direct" as it were. I would talk about that with your wife if you can as you might not have that luxury. And don't be afraid to just hold hands with one or both of your partners while they are engaged with each other...it's a break for you and rather nice.

K's husband and I performed the, um, technique Evie referred to on K. She ended up not liking it either...overstimulating and overwhelming. I suppose your wife won't know until it actually happens, but do be aware she might not like it. The arm and hand massage, on the other hand, does sound very nice. Don't forget nonsexual touching in the midst of everything.
 
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Hi, I read your other threads. I read where you said you've started to imagine kissing him. Where you've spent hot times having sex with your wife while fantasising out loud about having your meta in bed too.

This is true... but the physical emotions with Navy (he was in the Navy so I will use that as his nickname) literally just started the last couple of days. Although the poly relationship is new...we've been great friends the last six months. It's hard to explain. The three of us "fell" for each other so damn fast. We got so close so quick. It developed into love for Navy and my Wife very quickly and for Navy and myself our friendship has grown into the best friendship outside of my wife that I've ever had. The kind where you would pour out your innermost secrets without hesitation. It's an amazing dynamic. As for kissing Navy... I don't know where that came from. Like I said in another thread...I've never had that kind of feeling for another man before. It's not so strong normally that I'd act on it...but it was at that moment so much that I didn't want to look him in the eye. I'm wondering if my emotions are running so high right now my brain doesn't know what the hell it wants anymore!!
It's up to you, hon, but please. Don't just get drunk and fall into bed like a bunch of idiots. There are so many pitfalls to sexual threesomes. The chance of someone feeling left out is very real. And also, you don't know if your meta is bi or bi curious. What if he gets really grossed out when your body parts or dicks touch? What if you do? What if this causes the whole thing to stop? What if this upsets your wife and she flounces off in tears? Etc. Etc.

You bring up basically my biggest worries. I talked to my wife about myself or Navy feeling left out. She said she thinks it would be better if starting off it was more like us just pleasing her (massage, both of us kissing her body, that sort of thing). I do bring up a lot of questions with her because I am a pretty insecure guy, especially right now. As for Navy being open to it...i don't know if he is bi-curious. I know he has had experiences in his past with 2 guys and one girl...but I don't know if he did anything with the other guy. To be honest...I don't think I'd want to even do anything to him in an initial experience. Like I have said...I think it would be amazing to experience something like this with my wife and fulfill one of her fantasies.

And by the way? You said you don't want him to "think you're trying to get something going with him." But you DO want to get something going with him! Why deny it?

The problem is I'm not 100% sure. Are my emotions just all jumbled up? Like I said...I've never felt this way for a man. I never had a rush of emotions like that towards a man. It's scary and exciting...but damn...I didn't expect to feel this way. Not to mention my wife was the one wanting to have the poly relationship not me! lol

I appreciate everyone's opinions...they are all so helpful. I'm sorry if in one thread to another I seem to contradict myself. There are so many emotions going around through my head and I'm just trying to catch up with them!
 
I agree that threesomes can go terribly awry and that scripts can't be followed. Happily for us, when The Signal, K, and I embarked on our first real threesome it went much better than any of us had anticipated, and in fact it really launched the "this could actually work!" phase of our triad.

Looking back on it I think what made it successful was what makes a closed triad successful in the first place: that the constituent parts of the triad worked on their own. In our case the potential weak link was the sexual relationship between The Signal and K, especially as this was my wife's first same-sex relationship. K was aware of this and I had let them explore on their own. They were comfortable enough with each other that when the three of us were together they were comfortable too. In your case I would consider being with your wife's partner alone if that is possible... I realize it may not be.

I guess I was a bit in Evie's situation in that I was the odd person out gender-wise. I was fortunate in that their attention to each other alleviated some of the heavy lifting. And K had done it before so she was able to "direct" as it were. I would talk about that with your wife if you can as you might not have that luxury. And don't be afraid to just hold hands with one or both of your partners while they are engaged with each other...it's a break for you and rather nice.

K's husband and I performed the, um, technique Evie referred to on K. She ended up not liking it either...overstimulating and overwhelming. I suppose your wife won't know until it actually happens, but do be aware she might not like it. The arm and hand massage, on the other hand, does sound very nice. Don't forget nonsexual touching in the midst of everything.

Being alone with him isn't an issue...we often hang out alone just as friends. I'm having a hard time figuring out if my feelings for Navy are genuine or just emotions running high. If they are genuine and he is not into it then what? Especially if I say something to him. What if Navy is into it and we embark on something and my wife flips out?
 
A large part of the problems with the cheating came from jumping the gun stuff rather than talking things out.

Don't jump the gun here. Wait. If you are all still wanting this for valentine's 2017? Consider it then at that point in time. You could not jump the gun then too. Just share some hugging together. Or kissing. Call it long foreplay if you want.

But don't just get naked and jump into bed together NOW-- esp when just yesterday you told him you are still hurting from the lies and cheating affair.

And you are viewing a threesome as a tool to ease your anxiety about them being sexual.

At this time? Work on communication and healing from cheating. Not adding new potential problems by adding threesomes. That would be my suggestion.

I wonder if you are trying to "absorb him fast" -- in order to feel secure again? Like if you agree to poly and agree to threesomes you "absorb" him in, and then you don't have to keep processing all this post-affair yucky?

Galagirl
 
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You are probably right. I don't know. I'm so confused right now. I've never had these kinds of emotions flood through me like this. I've never had these thoughts. Once minute I'm scared shitless then the next ready to have a threesome!! I'm sure I sound crazy. I've just never felt like this before.
 
I talked to my wife about myself or Navy feeling left out. She said she thinks it would be better if starting off it was more like us just pleasing her (massage, both of us kissing her body, that sort of thing).

And if she comes close to orgasm (or *does* orgasm) with one person's hand/tongue/something else while you're all kissing and massaging, how will the other person deal with that? She may not worry about feeling left out, but one of you may end up that way.

I still think the roller coaster emotions should come down a notch before planning anything like this. Wait until you know what you want for yourself.

GalaGirl wrote:
I wonder if you are trying to "absorb him fast" -- in order to feel secure again? Like if you agree to poly and agree to threesomes you "absorb" him in, and then you don't have to keep processing all this post-affair yucky?

This is EXACTLY what I almost did with Xena a few years back when we were discussing our camping weekend (there was no affair to process, but there was a fair amount of resentment toward her nonetheless). It was bad enough that I tried to have a close friendship with her when I wasn't ready, and ended up hurting her feelings when my emotions went all pear-shaped. If our relationship had gotten sexually intimate as well, I would probably have handled the blow-up a lot worse than I did.
 
There is a phase of healing from affairs that many people go through called "hysterical bonding."while I am not a fan of the terminolog, it's pretty common, and I think it could be a large part of what is happening to you. It can lead to all sorts of things you'd normally not do, and it can disappear as fast as it came. In this case, it could do more harm to all involved, IMHO. do some research and see if this could be what you're going through.
 
I'm so confused right now. I've never had these kinds of emotions flood through me like this.

All the more reason not to engage in threesomes if you are currently confused and emotionally flooded. WAIT. And if you haven't already, seek a poly counselor to help you in this transition. That something you could do right now to help you over the long term. Set up a counselor and a series of appointments. Healing from a cheating affair and moving to a poly model is not the easiest model ever.

For the immediate stress in the short term? If the anxiety is really horrible you could go get a check up with your family practice doctor. See if a short run of Xanax or similar meds could be appropriate in your situation or not. So you are (anxious, but can focus on problem solving and healing). Rather than (you are ANXIOUS TO THE MAX and CANNOT FOCUS AT ALL!) You cannot be a good problem solver if you are distracted with mega stress and anxiety like that.

You seeking a doc check up? I think that would be more appropriate self care right now. More so than you engaging in a wonky sounding threesome with your recently cheating wife and her cheating affair partner.

Don't go there til you are all healed and it's just you (rather than super stressed you), it's just your wife (rather than recently cheating wife) and it's just your friend (rather than wife's cheating affair partner) again.

Slow this DOWN.

Galagirl
 
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To be honest...I've been through some therapy to work on my insecurities and I've learned to cope with them to a degree. The affair puts a wrench in it but to be honest I don't want to go to another therapist. When I found out my wife kissed Navy (she told me about the kiss before the affair happened) I was already in therapy dealing with some anxiety issues and his first words of advice to me were to eliminate Navy out of our lives. My wife and I cared for him too much to do that and it ultimately caused a rift to form for me with the therapist and I feel much better coping on my own.

As for anxiety...I have some meds to help but I hate taking anything. I like to feel with my own emotions and chemically altering my brain doesn't sit well with me.

I agree with you in that focusing on my own health right now is probably best. I just can't get over the emotion I'm feeling about Navy right now. So new and strange. It has to be a sign that I should slow down and sort things out in my head. Damn this is so crazy! So exciting and scary at the same time! My god the range of emotions I've experienced in just two weeks!! From being scared as hell to starting a poly relationship to wanting to almost join in on it myself!!!
 
Up to you how you want to handle your situation.

I was already in therapy dealing with some anxiety issues and his first words of advice to me were to eliminate Navy out of our lives. My wife and I cared for him too much to do that and it ultimately caused a rift to form for me with the therapist and I feel much better coping on my own.

In your shoes, I would have fired this therapist and sought a poly friendly therapist who is able to see my new goal is "heal from cheating, move forward to poly V" and help me navigate those waters. Not just abandon therapy all together.

As for anxiety...I have some meds to help but I hate taking anything. I like to feel with my own emotions and chemically altering my brain doesn't sit well with me.

I have anxiety. 95% of the time I go unmedicated. But there have been super high stress times in my life where that anxiety took away my ability to think, sleep, and function well in daily living. A short run of meds (ex: 1 month) helps me get it back together. Do I love taking it? Nope. Do I do it anyway because it works best in my situation? Yup.

I agree with you in that focusing on my own health right now is probably best. I just can't get over the emotion I'm feeling about Navy right now. So new and strange. It has to be a sign that I should slow down and sort things out in my head. Damn this is so crazy! So exciting and scary at the same time! My god the range of emotions I've experienced in just two weeks!! From being scared as hell to starting a poly relationship to wanting to almost join in on it myself!!!

I think so. Focus on your self care.

If you have a crush of your own on Navy, I don't think this is not the time to declare it. Don't add MORE layers to the pile. If you still like him next year, you can deal with that then. One thing at a time. Reduce your stress load, not add to it.

If you don't want to see a poly friendly therapist and you do not want to consider a short run of anxiety meds... fair enough.

What ARE you willing to try in order to see to your own self care?

Galagirl
 
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Hi jdicky700,

From what little I've heard, threesomes usually go better when carefully planned out ahead of time by all three people. So, I would hesitate to tell you to spring a threesome on your wife as a surprise.

Just going by what I've heard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What ARE you willing to try in order to see to your own self care?

Well...that's a great question!! One of the major things I've been doing is letting myself be me around everyone. I've always been a little reserved, afraid to look dumb, so I'd have fun but not to the level I'd like. So... I've started to dance when I want to dance, sing when I want to sing, and march to the beat of the drum I've been hearing my whole life but ignoring.

I'm beginning to adjust to just letting everyone see me for who I really am. That's probably the biggest thing I've been working towards quite honestly the last couple of months since my wife and I have been having problems. Now that we are patching things up and starting to enjoy each other more fully again...I think being me openly will bring me more joy than anything outside of her.


From what little I've heard, threesomes usually go better when carefully planned out ahead of time by all three people. So, I would hesitate to tell you to spring a threesome on your wife as a surprise.

I guess my problem with this is that I'm a hopeless romantic. I love spontaneity and that feeling of surprise. I'm not saying you are wrong...it just seems that such a momentous occasion in the relationship of the 3 of us shouldn't be planned out and scripted if you will. Sex and all the intimacy involved with it to me is magical. Just touching another person in a loving way, even the most innocent touch, is exhilarating. That kind of experience, one in which will only happen for the first time with all of us just once, should be magic.
 
You have this "either /or" thing going.

When it could be BOTH planned out -- in the sense that you all agree you don't go there til all this cheating affair healing is completed.

AND spontaneous ... once you actually reach that healed space, could agree to let it evolve naturally one day without planning.

That kind of experience, one in which will only happen for the first time with all of us just once, should be magic.

All the more reason to wait til you are all healed to me. So it can be "magic."

Galagirl
 
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I can't help but think GalaGirl is right. What's the rush for...to do something special for Valentine's Day? If it goes wrong it won't be particularly romantic. Wait until you feel like you're ready.
 
You have this "either /or" thing going.

When it could be BOTH planned out -- in the sense that you all agree you don't go there til all this cheating affair healing is completed.

AND spontaneous ... once you actually reach that healed space, could agree to let it evolve naturally one day without planning.

You guys are absolutely right. I appreciate you guys keeping me a little grounded while my mind is trying to keep me in the clouds a bit. I can't stress how crazy the last couple of weeks have been. What a crazy roller coaster ride!!! Each day that goes by things are getting more and more positive. I am so thrilled that my wife is truly trying to help me heal. She has been so encouraging and loving. Thank you guys truly for being here for people like me starting a new journey in life.
 
If you don't have a poly friendly therapist, you could look for one. Of course, an ordinary therapist would recommend your wife dump her lover... but you're open to poly now, so you could look for a better person.

On one of your other threads, I recommended 2 books about poly you could read. Maybe they'd help you calm down a bit and climb off your pink cloud and look at reality. It will make your relationships stronger in the long run to have some realistic ideas instead of just feeling infatuated and lustful. Thinking with your little head only can lead to disaster.

I am glad you say you're learning to be yourself and dance, play, etc., in ways you truly want. But "jumping the gun" into a sexual threesome 2 weeks after a cheating affair was discovered seems unwise. Sure, you could get lucky and maybe you're the one in 500 triad that starts suddenly and also works in the long haul. But I've read of many more triads where it's hot for a while, 3 months or whatever, and then weird jealousies and imbalances start to happen. You've got lots of nuts and bolts of poly time and emotion management to deal with now. The books will help you with that, to build a strong foundation first.
 
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