To have kids or not to have kids, that is the question.


Well-known member
...there, but for the grace of God, go I.

This applies to me as well. I vaguely always wanted a few kids - mostly because my parents were so awesome as parents that I wanted to emulate them:) (no seriously, my childhood was fantastic!)

After 11 years and 2 failed pregnancies - I am actually mostly OK with being child-free (and have taken steps to ensure that I remain so).


Staff member
For you all that do have kids ... why did you decide to have them? What was your motivation behind that?

I'm just wondering about the mindset people have when making these decisions.

I always knew I wanted kids. I wanted to be a mom, be domestic, have a garden and animals, ever since I can remember... maybe since age 7?

I adore babies and little kids, and teenagers were a blast, they are so lively and funny and make you think. I learned so much as a parent, and I grew as a person. I learned just how much I could multi task. I learned to get by on 4 hours of broken sleep a night, on a good night. I learned patience. I sacrificed. In fact, I learned to LOVE more from my kids than I did from boyfriends or my husband. Having kids was wonderful. Holidays were so fun seen through the children's eyes.

I birthed at home, I breastfed long term, I homeschooled my kids, I cooked whole foods from scratch. We went camping, hiking, swimming. I got my house and my garden, and my kids were always adopting cats. We had gerbils for a while, a dog too, and lots of fish, and snakes, and rats to feed the snakes and as pets.

I even joined La Leche League for help with breastfeeding and enjoyed the community of natural parenting families so much, I became a LLL Leader, and worked with moms and babies learning to breastfeed. So I had contact with other people's babies all month long too.

And now I do childcare for a living.

But I had very little sex with my husband for like 10 years... We had 3 kids in 5 years, no family nearby, and little money for luxuries and babysitters. It was rough on our lovelife. I was just too tired and too much in mom mode to miss sex much, but my husband suffered greatly.

When the kids were preteens and teens my (ex) husband and I finally had time, money, energy to date each other, and have great sex, and soon we also opened our marriage, on a high from our second honeymoon. We were stupid unicorn hunters. He found a gf, she wasn't interested in me. I realized I had no time or inclination to look for a woman or man of my own. I didn't start practicing poly until my kids were more grown, late teens, early 20s. (And my husband and I divorced.)


Well-known member
I had kids because I wanted them. I love children! There were rough years, and sex with my ex was sporadic, at best, when the kids were younger. It's true that children are a huge drain on your resources: financial, time, and energy. And there are times it's really hard and guilt inducing. But it's also immensely rewarding.

I agree with Magdlyn that I've learned more about how to love selflessly from my children, which makes me a better partner in my relationships. My life is vastly didn't than I'd envisioned pre-children. But I wouldn't change it.
I had great parents. But never a great desire to be a parent. Which is a good thing as I can't have kids. I've had my struggles with this. I teach though so I get 120 kids (teenagers) every year. I just want to say that having bio kids is not the end all be all some say. My life is very full and happy being child free.


Well-known member
I became a LLL Leader, and worked with moms and babies learning to breastfeed.

These women saved my sanity in the years after my first son was born and I was beyond overwhelmed with breastfeeding and attachment parenting (which was the right style for me, but I thought would just come so easily and naturally.) After some much needed one on one help from a leader, I came to the meetings and met other new parents who became friends outside of the group. Thank you for being a part of this wonderful organization.

Phantazmagoria, if you do decide to go forward, make sure that you include this org as a resource.
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New member
Childfree and incoming sprinkles of doom to rain on a yes-parade.

Okay first, how is her not wanting anyone else to be the father, not a red flag to you?

I agree with everyone else about letting the honeymoon phase wear off. The odds are not in your favor if any kind of shit hits the fan, with a kid involved.