To survive a relationship

Isaiah990

Member
To survive a relationship, you need to control your anxiety. When you get anxious, you start doing things that destroy the relationship. When i get anxious for example, i get paranoid. I'm afraid my partner is cheating, lying, or in an accident. I tend to have outbursts and interrogate. I listen to music, meditate, take deep breaths, pray, question my beliefs, work out, etc. to keep me calm. You would be surprised how much your relationship will thrive once you manage anxiety.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
It seems that controlling your anxiety is what works for you in relationships. What about other people, are they all the same as you in that respect? Can you prove it?
 

Isaiah990

Member
It seems that controlling your anxiety is what works for you in relationships. What about other people, are they all the same as you in that respect? Can you prove it?
Yes and no. It depends on their attachment styles. People like me have an anxious attachment style where they want a ton of closeness for fear of abandonment. Others have an avoidant attachment style where they avoid intimacy due to the anxiety of losing someone. I suggest you learn more about attachment theory.

 

Bun

New member
I can very much relate to this topic and this thread. I did (and sometimes do) have anxiety caused by a previous abuser relationship and due to a bit of PTSD (long story, if anyone interested happy to share privately as I have learnt a lot from this), and it was very difficult to learn how I can manage this anxiety without anyone going crazy around me. I was lucky enough finding the right partner who was very very very very patient with me and with my weirdness for long enough for me to start managing the anxiety. I have learnt to communicate my needs the right way, for example to explain why I am anxious and what causes this anxiousness and also what I think would help avoiding it next time. In this particular case this was a separation anxiety. Nowadays it is much better, but I still have a few odd requests because some things still trigger the anxiety. I think my strategy is to avoid the trigger by communicating very transparently about it right away.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Bun, thanks for sharing that. Anxiety is something I have had to live with all my life. Sometimes it has been worse than at other times. It isn't too bad right now, but it is still something I feel every day. I've tried all kinds of things to make it go away; by now I'm resigned to just working around it.
 
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Bun

New member
Hi Bun, thanks for sharing that. Anxiety is something I have had to live with all my life. Sometimes it has been worse than at other times. It isn't too bad right now, but it is still something I feel every day. I've tried all kinds of things to make it go away; by now I'm resigned to just working around it.
Anxiety is a bastard. When you are in it you just cannot think clearly, you are driven by your instinct to "run or die". This is why it is so difficult to be intentional about it I think. Mostly you can just relate to and analyze what has already happened.
What you are anxious about? What is your trigger?
 

Token2

Member
I never even realised that I get anxious until recently so maybe it's pandemic related anxiety or since I am new to poly - relationship stuff.

Either way every now and then I tense up, feel stuck.

I like mediations and affirmations - unlock your life, Kenneth Soares, Michael Sealy... Kenneth is my personal favourite.
 

Bun

New member
I never even realised that I get anxious until recently so maybe it's pandemic related anxiety or since I am new to poly - relationship stuff.

Either way every now and then I tense up, feel stuck.

I like mediations and affirmations - unlock your life, Kenneth Soares, Michael Sealy... Kenneth is my personal favourite.
Did your life change a lot since pandemic started?

Realizing such a thing about yourself is a big deal, trigger for a lot of change of what and how you think and also I think it leads to a huge amount of questions arise. And everyone is different how to cope with changes.
For me realizing I am poli is like someone realizing his/her sexual orientation or gender. Maybe others take it easier, I am not sure but interested in others' opinions. So I think it is normal to have anxious thoughts, to feel stressed.
I feel that I am in a relationship which I have no previous experience with in my life so I have to stop and think a lot 'why I feel this', or 'why she reacts like this' and so on. It takes from me much more patience to wait and experience things before I make any consequences. Also for me it is still a learning curve how the dynamics of the relationship works, requires attention to details.
Interestingly I never feel jealousy, sometimes I feel worry, uncertainity, but never jealousy.

I have never tried meditation, I do crochet instead :)
 

Token2

Member
Did your life change a lot since pandemic started?

My mother and 1 of my daughters live overseas and I usually visit them a lot but our International boarders have been closed until just a few days ago. And my mum is high risk, and my kid here at home is super high risk and I work in an Industry that got decimated and may or may not recover.... and even our State borders have been closed and my boyfriend lives in another state.. It's been a bumpy ride...
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Bun,

Honestly, my anxiety does not have a known target, nor a known trigger. It just happens. Most of the time it's like a dull ache, lurking in the background; other times it spikes (for no known reason). It's like a "special occasion" when I can identify something that could be the cause of the spike.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Bun

New member
My mother and 1 of my daughters live overseas and I usually visit them a lot but our International boarders have been closed until just a few days ago. And my mum is high risk, and my kid here at home is super high risk and I work in an Industry that got decimated and may or may not recover.... and even our State borders have been closed and my boyfriend lives in another state.. It's been a bumpy ride...
Omg, this is tough. I understand your feelings and anxiousness. I hope this will change to a positive direction soon.
 

Bun

New member
Hi Bun,

Honestly, my anxiety does not have a known target, nor a known trigger. It just happens. Most of the time it's like a dull ache, lurking in the background; other times it spikes (for no known reason). It's like a "special occasion" when I can identify something that could be the cause of the spike.

Regards,
Kevin T.
I sometimes feel that too, I have already identified that if I do not get enough attention one-on-one the lurking feeling tend to spike more. I also realised that if I go to sleep during the day for any reason I must wait after waking up and do not socialize for 30-40 minutes in any ways with anyone, as I tend to fight on stupid things and this is caused by anxiousness.. no idea why I have this mood rollercoaster when I sleep during the day, but this is fact.. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You are lucky; you are able to identify some of the causes of it. Everyone is different; what causes anxiety in one person, is different from what causes it in another.
 

Bun

New member
You are lucky; you are able to identify some of the causes of it. Everyone is different; what causes anxiety in one person, is different from what causes it in another.
I agree. The coping mechanisms are also different in different persons. For example I cannot meditate or pay attention to my breath, it annoys me and I become even more anxious. So I envy those who can learn meditating and calming down by controlling their breath.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Yyeeah ... I've tried meditation and breath control ... helps me about as much as prayer does, which is to say, not at all, quite the opposite actually. I know these are things which help others, but I can't get on board with that.
 

NerfHerder

Member
one of my good friends swears by meditation, but it doesn't work for me. About the only way I've found to turn my brain off is to go running, but that's not always available - like when feeling anxious and panicky and I am stuck at work for another six hours....


Need to figure that one out...
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Maybe a moving meditation? Like drumming on a frame drum? I don't esp love sitting still meditation.

Galagirl
 
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