Tolerating vs. Being Supportive

pnw_pale

New member
Hello. I have yet to really find poly people in person when it comes to a support system or friendship group. All of my poly connections are currently via the internet and all of the people in the polycule are involved with the same forum. I want to share my situation with someone(s) who doesn't know myself, my partners, or their partners. This is going to be long, I apologize in advance.

I am not new to poly. I will be the first to admit that I do not have a ton of practice under my belt (a couple of active years) my nesting partner and I started out poly (8 years ago) and then threw it on pause about a year in. Then we reopened our relationship almost 2 years ago. He has a FWB, LDR partner. I have a D/s LDR partner. Things are solid with my nesting partner.

My LDR partner already had four partners prior to me engaging in a relationship with him. One nesting partner and the other three LDR. In hindsight, I probably should have refrained from moving forward with anything more serious than the flirty friendship we had. I asked a lot of questions, A LOT, prior to moving forward. He talked with his partners (looking back now I wish I would have also talked in depth with his partners) and we decided to explore a relationship between us. We both envisioned our relationship being casual D/s (I am the Dominant partner) and us seeing each other maybe 3-4 times a year.

That was all a nice idea and how it has played out over the past year is far from what we imagined. We have connected on a lot of levels and share similar life values and poly ideals. It has progressed to the point where we would like to see each other monthly, if and when we can swing it. On average we see each other about every 5-6 weeks.

He described his polycule as kitchen table poly. His partners interacted with each other outside of him and at least annually they would all get together for a birthday celebration or a meal. I had hesitancy around this because it felt like a lot to manage, but after careful consideration I decided to enter the situation with an open mind and heart. I am an inclusive person by nature.

The truth is, he didn't and doesn't have kitchen table poly. I don't feel as though he sold me a bill of goods, because I honestly believe he was blind to the situation. It is easy to blind to the reality of the big picture when you are at the center of it all. What he has is hinge poly and he recognizes that now. He has five partners who tolerate one another in order to spend time with him. Out of his four LDR partners, I am the only one who travels to him. (West Coast - East Coast) I am also the only one who splits expenses with him. When he spends time with his three other LDR partners he has to travel to them and cover the full expenses of the trip. Him and I have discussed how his lifestyle isn't sustainable long term. Time and money are resources, resources sometimes dry up.

I knew one of his LDR partners for 5ish years prior to entering the polycule, before I even knew him actually. We had been online friends, exchanged message threads, interacted on public forums. I enjoyed her company. When I entered into the polycule she was excited, to the point where she even discussed potentially brining me into their dynamic. (I declined.) After the first time our shared partner and I spent in person time together I could feel her energy shift toward me. She was monosyllabic, cold in her responses, and no longer engaging in conversation. I shared my concern with our hinge partner and he brushed it off. I take ownership that I should have addressed the change in behavior with her as opposed to going through our hinge partner. Eventually all of this came to an ugly head about 9 months later. After denying she had an issue with me for 9 months, she finally admitted that she did. It turns out her issue with me was a misunderstanding. It was nothing I did intentionally and something our hinge partner had not negotiated with her.

Her and I connected after she understood the misunderstanding was created by him. She sent me a long letter of excuses as to why she acted the way we did (as if all of us didn't have a hard 2020/2021) with an apology at the end. None of it seemed very genuine, but I can only work off the information I was given.

It is 9 months post the issues bubbling to the surface along with the apology exchange. She has reached out to me when she has been inebriated. I have left occasional little comments or "love" on the public forum as a way to reach out gently. The attempts of trying to extend the olive branch have continued to be reciprocated with cold and dismissive behavior. Our hinge partner has witnessed this and commented on it.

Our polycule is extremely dysfunctional. I am madly in love with my partner and I am polite to his partners and interact with them on a surface level. He recently told me he was going to increase his time spent with the LDR partner who continues to be cold to me, to see if increased time spent together improves their relationship. They struggle with communication and seem to have a rocky relationship overall. (Prior to me entering the polycule.) When he said that, it felt like a punch straight to the gut. It felt like he really doesn't value me all that much if he is increasing time with someone who continues to be shitty toward me. I understand that this is my hurt. I also understand that it isn't his job (or hers) to manage my hurt.

His logic is the complete opposite of how I would behave though. I wouldn't tolerate anyone (friends, family, partners) being shitty to someone I loved. Sure, we all have bad days and deserve grace, but that fact that this behavior is consistently repeated makes me feel pretty low. I am aware that this might not be the polycule for me. I am also aware that this polycule had a whole lot of cracks prior to me entering the picture. I really love my partner and am looking for advice. I am supportive(ish) of some of his relationships Others (like the one mentioned above) I strictly tolerate. I envisioned poly to be different. Our situation bums me out.

If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate it.

Happy 2022.

PS: I have shared all of this with him. I know our current situation bums him out too. I am empathetic toward him because I know he is not in an easy situation whatsoever. I also recognize though that he had a hand in creating it.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing out.

I have a hard time with no names so I'm going to take the liberty of using generic color names, ok? If you want to use something else, I'll go with whatever you pick. I am going repeat back what I understand in my own words bullet list style. Maybe that helps you.

I could be wrong in my impressions, so you correct me, ok?

PEOPLE

Red.
That's your bf who is in the center of a wagon wheel polycule
  • Orange -- his LDR partner 1 you used to be friends with before dating Red, but has issues with you now that you do.
  • Yellow -- his LDR partner 2, exists, but not relevant to this story
  • Green -- his LDR partner 3, exists, but not relevant to this story
  • Blue -- his LDR partner 4, exists, but not relevant to this story
  • PNW_Pale -- you. His LDR partner 5.
PROBLEMS WITH POLYCULE OVERALL
  • Until recently he thought this was a wagon wheel polycule with him in the center, and all the other people got along, socialized, did kitchen table poly together.
  • In reality, they just put up with each other to get to date him.
  • This polycule is extremely dysfunctional.
  • Possible solutions for you...
    • Resolve to deal with people direct in future and skip some of the miscommunication or dysfunction.
    • Continue to be basic polite with your metas if you happen to bump into them like you would be polite to the bank teller or grocery clerk. Say hello, good morning, etc.
    • But take no special pains to interact with them, hang out, or be best friends. You don't invite the bank teller to your bday or hang out. So don't do that with metas.
    • Limit meta hangouts to HIS special things IF you even feel like doing it (Ex: a video conference call to sing him happy birthday.)
    • Exercise more detachment if you continue here or decide to bow out if this is too much now.

PROBLEMS SPECIFIC TO RED + ORANGE

Red and Orange struggle with communication and seem to have a rocky relationship overall. (Prior to you entering the polycule.)
Red caused some kind of communication issue that led to Orange being weird with you.
Red's told you he's gonna spend extra time with her (To make all that up to her?)

Possible solutions for you:
  • Not your business what is going in in the (Red + Orange) dyad.
  • Stop talking to Red about Orange things. Tell him not to tell you stuff about his other partners. Limit to calendar and safer sex practices.
  • Whatever up and down he has with his other partners? Not your prob. You aren't dating them.
PROBLEMS SPECIFIC TO YOU + ORANGE

Orange sent you an apology letter for being weird to you for 9 mos when you didn't do anything.
You accepted it and are trying to extend the olive branch.
She continues to be weird.

Possible solutions for you:
  • It was solved already. As you say, even if it doesn't seem genuine? You can only work off info give. Take path of least resistance/easiest for you to do. Call it good enough and detach.
    • Be "basic stranger polite" if you happen to cross paths. But make no special efforts in her direction to be best friends.
    • If she brings it up again? You say "Oh, I thought we were good. You sent apology letter, I forgave, we moved on. Didn't we?"
    • Let the onus for building something "better" than "basic polite" lie on her.
    • And maybe you just don't feel like being any closer with her.
    • What's she gonna do? Complain that you do the same basic polite to her that you do to all the other metas?
MONEY PROBLEMS SPECIFIC TO RED + YOU

He will split the LDR costs with you and you both take turns visiting in each others towns.

Not your business, but does affect you:
  • He does not split the LDR costs with the other partners.
  • He foots the whole bill and goes to see them in their towns.
  • Ergo -- less money for dating you/seeing you, esp if you want to go from every 6 weeks to every 4 weeks.
Possible solutions for you:
  • Expect him to deal with his own financial resources. Detach from that. (I happen to think it's foolish of him NOT to go halfsies with all partners when he dates so many, but whatever. His responsibility to deal with his money.
  • Ask him to step it up to visits every 4 weeks and absorb his half of that cost.
    • If he can't afford it?
      • Change nothing. Be ok at 6 weeks.
      • Change and accept extra financial responsibility to get to do it. You pay extra.
      • 52 weeks / 6 weeks is 8.6 trips a year that you split. Call it 9 trips.
      • 52 weeks / 4 weeks = 13 trips a year.
        • You split 9 trips 50-50. Then you foot the bill for the extra 4.
        • You split all 13 trips, just not 50-50. More like 65% you and 35% him if that's easier to budget.
SHITTY THINGS PROBLEMS SPECIFIC TO RED + YOU

You mention, but don't actually describe. So I will assume shitty things happened and you did not like it.
In your shoes? If it were me? I would examine this personal limit.

"I wouldn't tolerate anyone (friends, family, partners) being shitty to someone I loved. Sure, we all have bad days and deserve grace, but that fact that this behavior is consistently repeated makes me feel pretty low."

You are a people. Presumably you love you. Sound like he's been disappointing you. What's that personal limit feel like written like this:

"I wouldn't tolerate Red being shitty to someone I loved -- ME. Sure, we all have bad days and deserve grace, but that fact that this behavior (list the shitty things) is consistently repeated makes me feel pretty low.

NRE fades in 6 - 24 months. It is possible that you are seeing true colors and don't love what you see in Red.

It might be hard to respect/admire Red if he doesn't stand up to Orange and tell she needs to respect the (Red + You) dyad or any other dyad. Whatever issues Orange has with HIM? The buck stops there. Don't go spreading doom on his other partners because she's really mad at him.

If the internal conflict is that you love him and have soft feelings for him, but don't admire how he handles his finances, his polycule partners, communication issues, and whatnot?

You have to do your soul searching and determine if he still meets your personal standards or not. Because love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

PS: I have shared all of this with him. I know our current situation bums him out too. I am empathetic toward him because I know he is not in an easy situation whatsoever. I also recognize though that he had a hand in creating it.

Mostly it sounds like you having to decide if you feel like letting it ride/wait and see if it gets any better or if you want to bow out.

Could bow out and tell him to look you up if he ever gets it better together. That's what I would do. 2 years in it is plenty for me to make the call. 2 weeks, 2 month, I might wait and see. But 2 years? I prefer not to hang around in dysfunction.

Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
I would approach this the same way I would if a friend I want to spend time with has a dramatic friend circle. I would spend time with them as best I could, let them know not to include me in their friend drama, and our relationship would likely be limited because of it.

There isn't much in the way of alternatives that doesn't cause me tons of stress for no gain. I'd just let them live their lives and get whatever limited enjoyment I could from him that does not involve the rest of those people. Just looks like lots of "group meetings" and "ground rules" to me... I'm all squared away with that kind of effort to just get along with someone. For me, if it isn't essentially effortless, I'm just not interested.
 

pnw_pale

New member
@GalaGirl

Thank you for the response. Colors work well.

"It might be hard to respect/admire Red if he doesn't stand up to Orange and tell she needs to respect the (Red + You) dyad or any other dyad." This is exactly it. I feel hurt by it and it makes me trust him less.

As for his finances, he can spend them how he wants. He wants us to entangle finances eventually, but I won't move forward with that until:
1. We have many, many more discussions. Right now our financial values and habits aren't aligned.
2. He figures out what he wants and I figure out what I want and am going to do.

@Marcus

"I'd just let them live their lives and get whatever limited enjoyment I could from him that does not involve the rest of those people."

During our last in person time together I expressed this to him. I placed boundaries around my poly. I do not ask about his partners. I do not act as if they don't exist because that feels unhealthy. He is in communication with them when he is with me.

I told him that if I wouldn't be able to move forward or go deeper in our dynamic within the current circumstances. It is too messy. He was disappointed.

For instance his nesting partner is often home alone due to his travel and time spent with other partners. When I envision having a nesting partner (which I do) that isn't how I want my home structure to be. If I wanted to be home alone often then I would live by myself again.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I told him that if I wouldn't be able to move forward or go deeper in our dynamic within the current circumstances. It is too messy. He was disappointed.

I think you call it right. It's ok for you not to want to get deeper and prefer to keep a very separate V on your branch of it if you plan on continuing in this polycule.
  • "No" to entangling finances.
  • "No" to changes in the dynamic within current circumstances.
It's ok for him to feel disappointed you don't want to do that.

You don't have to do anything about his feelings. He does his emotional management.

It's on you to hold your personal boundaries/limits though.

GG
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
LDR partner already had four partners prior to me engaging in a relationship with him. One nesting partner and the other three LDR. In hindsight, I probably should have refrained from moving forward with anything more serious than the flirty friendship we had.

Why do you say this?
The truth is, he didn't and doesn't have kitchen table poly.

What disqualifies something from being KTP? To me, a marriage is still a marriage even if the married people do not love each other. They are still married. KTP is more about how people can and do interact. Not necessarily how they feel about each other. Though of course it helps if people who interact regularly like each other.


I had hesitancy around this because it felt like a lot to manage,

I think it's wise to bear this reluctance in mind and how that might influence your perspective now. You may be subconsciously trying to reduce the size of the load.

What he has is hinge poly and he recognizes that now.

I can be the hinge in a KTP situation. I think you're using these terms in atypical ways and worse, you're trying to project this language onto him. He can be a hinge and also have KTP. You might mean parallel poly. But to be honest, they aren't as distinct as people make out. The original need for separation came from the "poly family" idea which was like a group democracy (or dictatorship) and often closed (for the least powerful members at least). That's why people wanted to say "I'm not doing that pseudo polygamy style of poly" and started promoting more autonomous models.

He has five partners who tolerate one another in order to spend time with him.

Why is this your concern? How does it affect you?
Out of his four LDR partners, I am the only one who travels to him. (West Coast - East Coast) I am also the only one who splits expenses with him. When he spends time with his three other LDR partners he has to travel to them and cover the full expenses of the trip. Him and I have discussed how his lifestyle isn't sustainable long term. Time and money are resources, resources sometimes dry up

Have you made a consensual kink agreement for you to manage his resources?

The attempts of trying to extend the olive branch have continued to be reciprocated with cold and dismissive behavior. Our hinge partner has witnessed this and commented on it.

Yes but some of your expectations and behavior seem sort of... intrusive and domineering. I'd be reluctant to get involved too.

His logic is the complete opposite of how I would behave though. I wouldn't tolerate anyone (friends, family, partners) being shitty to someone I loved.

It could be that he doesn't agree or thinks there are issues on both sides.
 

pnw_pale

New member
Why do you say this?


What disqualifies something from being KTP? To me, a marriage is still a marriage even if the married people do not love each other. They are still married. KTP is more about how people can and do interact. Not necessarily how they feel about each other. Though of course it helps if people who interact regularly like each other.

I think it's wise to bear this reluctance in mind and how that might influence your perspective now. You may be subconsciously trying to reduce the size of the load.



I can be the hinge in a KTP situation. I think you're using these terms in atypical ways and worse, you're trying to project this language onto him. He can be a hinge and also have KTP. You might mean parallel poly. But to be honest, they aren't as distinct as people make out. The original need for separation came from the "poly family" idea which was like a group democracy (or dictatorship) and often closed (for the least powerful members at least). That's why people wanted to say "I'm not doing that pseudo polygamy style of poly" and started promoting more autonomous models.



Why is this your concern? How does it affect you?

Have you made a consensual kink agreement for you to manage his resources?



Yes but some of your expectations and behavior seem sort of... intrusive and domineering. I'd be reluctant to get involved too.



It could be that he doesn't agree or thinks there are issues on both sides.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.

1.) I am under the impression that if you are struggling in your relationship(s) the concept of adding another relationship to the mix isn't ideal. If four of his partners were already complaining about not spending enough time with him, etc, a fifth person being added to the mix doesn't seem like a good resolve.

2.) Sure. You can still call it KTP. When partners interact the interactions and conversations center around him. I guess I anticipated KTP to include interactions that happened outside of him. When asked his definition of kitchen table poly is that metas were friends.

3.) He is wanting me to manage his resources. I don't feel comfortable doing so because it would impact others.

4.) Glad that you think I am intrusive and domineering. I would be happy to operate under parallel poly. It isn't what my partner wants though. I am trying really hard.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Thank you for taking the time to reply.

1.) I am under the impression that if you are struggling in your relationship(s) the concept of adding another relationship to the mix isn't ideal. If four of his partners were already complaining about not spending enough time with him, etc, a fifth person being added to the mix doesn't seem like a good resolve.

2.) Sure. You can still call it KTP. When partners interact the interactions and conversations center around him. I guess I anticipated KTP to include interactions that happened outside of him. When asked his definition of kitchen table poly is that metas were friends.

3.) He is wanting me to manage his resources. I don't feel comfortable doing so because it would impact others.

4.) Glad that you think I am intrusive and domineering. I would be happy to operate under parallel poly. It isn't what my partner wants though. I am trying really hard.

On 3 and 4. If he hasn't communicated this accurately to them, it will seem like you've come in, are telling him where to spend his money and reorganizing his polycule.

My interpretation of KTP is more like "metas are welcome to build friendships"
 

pnw_pale

New member
On 3 and 4. If he hasn't communicated this accurately to them, it will seem like you've come in, are telling him where to spend his money and reorganizing his polycule.

My interpretation of KTP is more like "metas are welcome to build friendships"
Your response to 3 & 4. Absolutely agreed. I have expressed my concern with communication and moved on. I also stopped extending the olive branch and have put the topic of resource management on pause.

That's good to know your interpretation of KTP. Helpful.

This is the only aspect of my life that has drama. My home life is good, my professional life is good, my friendships are good. I need to decide if this is still for me in 2022, no matter how much I love him.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Your partner can want parallel poly. Many of us hinges would like our partners to be friends and want to, or be able to share a space all together, at least occasionally. The reality is, just because we may love 2 people, does not mean they will love each other. Take siblings as an example. In any given family, not all the siblings will get along and really enjoy spending time together, even though their parents may love every one.

You are not required to try and be friends with, or love, any of your partner's partners (your metamours). Either there is interest and friendship there, or there isn't. A hinge can merely invite his partners try to spend time together in the same space. If they agree to that, it's up to their personalities if they want to repeat it out of true friendship, and even begin to do things one-on-one independently of the hinge, or if they really have so little in common, or even active dislike, that they decide to be merely polite if their paths happen to cross.

In my case, my nesting partner wanted her OSO to meet me and occasionally hang out, say, all have dinner together. She has expressed how great it would be if we all lived together so she didn't have to run back and forth between our shared house and his house. But in reality, he is pretty introverted and we only met at the door when he came to drop off something, or once when he came over here when her dog was dying. This was it until the pandemic, when we were all in lockdown and not seeing any friends or work colleagues. We did start having a dinner together here and there out of need for socialization and because we knew we were all socially distancing. I like him, he likes me, but it's just not something he really feels compelled to do more than once every few months. And we certainly do not hang out one-on-one.

Recently I have started dating a great guy, and my gf was resistant to meeting him for a couple of months, until she felt more sure he and I were working out well. We had one dinner in a restaurant, which was fine. He spent 2 days with us over New Year's (along with me adult son). I had fun and so did he, but my gf felt a little awkward now and then during the weekend, so we probably won't be repeating this again soon. These things must be done delicately.

Those are just my recent experiences with KTP. I have had former bfs who would come visit me and spend an hour or so hanging out with both of us in the living room chatting, or eat a meal, or who have sometimes helped us do a household project. But mostly we are doing parallel poly nowadays.
 

pnw_pale

New member
Your partner can want parallel poly. Many of us hinges would like our partners to be friends and want to, or be able to share a space all together, at least occasionally. The reality is, just because we may love 2 people, does not mean they will love each other. Take siblings as an example. In any given family, not all the siblings will get along and really enjoy spending time together, even though their parents may love every one.

You are not required to try and be friends with, or love, any of your partner's partners (your metamours). Either there is interest and friendship there, or there isn't. A hinge can merely invite his partners try to spend time together in the same space. If they agree to that, it's up to their personalities if they want to repeat it out of true friendship, and even begin to do things one-on-one independently of the hinge, or if they really have so little in common, or even active dislike, that they decide to be merely polite if their paths happen to cross.

In my case, my nesting partner wanted her OSO to meet me and occasionally hang out, say, all have dinner together. She has expressed how great it would be if we all lived together so she didn't have to run back and forth between our shared house and his house. But in reality, he is pretty introverted and we only met at the door when he came to drop off something, or once when he came over here when her dog was dying. This was it until the pandemic, when we were all in lockdown and not seeing any friends or work colleagues. We did start having a dinner together here and there out of need for socialization and because we knew we were all socially distancing. I like him, he likes me, but it's just not something he really feels compelled to do more than once every few months. And we certainly do not hang out one-on-one.

Recently I have started dating a great guy, and my gf was resistant to meeting him for a couple of months, until she felt more sure he and I were working out well. We had one dinner in a restaurant, which was fine. He spent 2 days with us over New Year's (along with me adult son). I had fun and so did he, but my gf felt a little awkward now and then during the weekend, so we probably won't be repeating this again soon. These things must be done delicately.

Those are just my recent experiences with KTP. I have had former bfs who would come visit me and spend an hour or so hanging out with both of us in the living room chatting, or eat a meal, or who have sometimes helped us do a household project. But mostly we are doing parallel poly nowadays.
Thank you. All of that makes sense.

Per our last discussion he didn't want parallel poly. I might have to revisit this conversation though.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thank you. All of that makes sense.

Per our last discussion he didn't want parallel poly. I might have to revisit this conversation though.
Again, he can want what he wants. Your feelings and the feelings any of the other people involved are just as important. He can respect your feelings, wishes and desires and become at peace with parallel poly. But of course, if it's a dealbreaker, he can break up with all of you and seek only partners who are truly comfortable with and desirous of KTP. Some poly people do want or need this so much, they only date others who agree to it. Say, if you have kids and a nesting partner, and it's hard for you to go out on dates, you may only want an OSO who likes kids and is willing to do all or most of the dates with you in house, with the kids and other partner around.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello pnw_pale,

It seems that you are disappointed in a number of things about your relationship with Red, but now you are in too deep with him to cut the ties. You are deeply in love with him and you have invested too much in this relationship to abandon it now. So, you are going to have to find a way to adjust to the disappointing aspects of it.

The biggest disappointment seems to be the way Orange has been treating you. You have tried to extend the olive branch, but it has done no good, Orange continues to be cold and distant toward you. Orange's so-called "apology" was mostly just her excusing herself, she was not really sorry at all. Red wants KTP, so distancing yourself from Orange is not really an option. You are going to have to find a way to adjust to Orange's behavior.

Due to Red's desire to have KTP, you are going to have to continue to reach out to Orange. But my suggestion would be to limit how much reaching out you do. Find out what your limits are, how much of her cold shoulder you can stand before it starts damaging your emotional well-being. That's where you draw the line, you no longer add to reaching out to her where it starts causing you damage. And to be honest, you may need to place some limits on how often you get together with Red, for the same reason. Yes, you greatly desire to visit him more, not less. But he has his own behaviors that are problematic, and you need to take care of yourself. Maybe if he improves his behaviors (e.g., less denial about his various partners, and better financial management), then you can start seeing him more. But I would not do it until then.

The bottom line is, that you need to find a sweet spot where you are spending enough time with Red, and reaching out to Orange, to satisfy them, without hurting yourself. And there has to be a sweet spot, because you can't cut the ties with either of them. Try the best you can to balance your involvement in their lives with your own emotional well-being. That's the best advice I can think of, you are in a difficult situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
This sounds so similar to the dynamic described by some of Franklin Veaux's partners that it might be worthwhile for you to read their accounts here https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ to see what an extremely unhealthy version of what you describe looks like.

I don't mean that your partner is Franklin! Just that I notice some similarities: everyone in long-distance relationships; kink dynamics; a guy with too many partners than he has time available; a situation where the hinge is claiming all his female partners get along when in fact they all kind of hate each other; the hatred or coldness between metamours seems actually to be caused by the hinge's poor communications (or possibly by his deliberate manipulation, in Franklin's case); extremely stressful online interactions that seem to take more time and energy than the in-person interactions; shady-sounding financial stuff and the potential for wonky financial decisions at the urging of the hinge guy, with consequences for the women involved.

I don't think your situation is that bad (yet), but it could potentially get there.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO COMBINE FINANCES WITH THIS PARTNER?

You already have a stable nesting relationship, you live on the opposite coast from this guy, he has a high, HIGH drama polycule, you are professionally successful and financially stable, and your life is going super well (APART FROM HIM, you note!)

I get that you like the D/s dynamic and you have developed strong feelings for him. I would suggest seeing him only a few times a year, enjoying the kink, learning from it and seeking out others who can do similar kink but are more stable people in less-drama polycules. Maybe even someone who lives on the same coast as you? At least someone whose metamours are less weird to you?
 

pnw_pale

New member
This sounds so similar to the dynamic described by some of Franklin Veaux's partners that it might be worthwhile for you to read their accounts here https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ to see what an extremely unhealthy version of what you describe looks like.

I don't mean that your partner is Franklin! Just that I notice some similarities: everyone in long-distance relationships; kink dynamics; a guy with too many partners than he has time available; a situation where the hinge is claiming all his female partners get along when in fact they all kind of hate each other; the hatred or coldness between metamours seems actually to be caused by the hinge's poor communications (or possibly by his deliberate manipulation, in Franklin's case); extremely stressful online interactions that seem to take more time and energy than the in-person interactions; shady-sounding financial stuff and the potential for wonky financial decisions at the urging of the hinge guy, with consequences for the women involved.

I don't think your situation is that bad (yet), but it could potentially get there.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO COMBINE FINANCES WITH THIS PARTNER?

You already have a stable nesting relationship, you live on the opposite coast from this guy, he has a high, HIGH drama polycule, you are professionally successful and financially stable, and your life is going super well (APART FROM HIM, you note!)

I get that you like the D/s dynamic and you have developed strong feelings for him. I would suggest seeing him only a few times a year, enjoying the kink, learning from it and seeking out others who can do similar kink but are more stable people in less-drama polycules. Maybe even someone who lives on the same coast as you? At least someone whose metamours are less weird to you?
I do not want to combine finances with him. (Currently.) We manage money drastically different and have different financial values. I should have clarified more. He has suggested findom. I still don't feel comfortable with it and we have not moved forward. It would impact his current partners and I don't need to be put in more of an awkward situation than I already am.

My nesting partner is great. We no longer have a kink dynamic and we have stopped having sex. He isn't interested in kink. I wasn't interested in sex.

Yeah. I think I just need to focus on myself and then recalibrate. See where we end up. Maybe shit changes eventually. Maybe it doesn't and by that point I have put enough distance between it.

I have thought about finding a local partner. It requires a lot of vetting, especially for S/m. I don't know if I have the energy for it.
 

pnw_pale

New member
Hello pnw_pale,

It seems that you are disappointed in a number of things about your relationship with Red, but now you are in too deep with him to cut the ties. You are deeply in love with him and you have invested too much in this relationship to abandon it now. So, you are going to have to find a way to adjust to the disappointing aspects of it.

The biggest disappointment seems to be the way Orange has been treating you. You have tried to extend the olive branch, but it has done no good, Orange continues to be cold and distant toward you. Orange's so-called "apology" was mostly just her excusing herself, she was not really sorry at all. Red wants KTP, so distancing yourself from Orange is not really an option. You are going to have to find a way to adjust to Orange's behavior.

Due to Red's desire to have KTP, you are going to have to continue to reach out to Orange. But my suggestion would be to limit how much reaching out you do. Find out what your limits are, how much of her cold shoulder you can stand before it starts damaging your emotional well-being. That's where you draw the line, you no longer add to reaching out to her where it starts causing you damage. And to be honest, you may need to place some limits on how often you get together with Red, for the same reason. Yes, you greatly desire to visit him more, not less. But he has his own behaviors that are problematic, and you need to take care of yourself. Maybe if he improves his behaviors (e.g., less denial about his various partners, and better financial management), then you can start seeing him more. But I would not do it until then.

The bottom line is, that you need to find a sweet spot where you are spending enough time with Red, and reaching out to Orange, to satisfy them, without hurting yourself. And there has to be a sweet spot, because you can't cut the ties with either of them. Try the best you can to balance your involvement in their lives with your own emotional well-being. That's the best advice I can think of, you are in a difficult situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you.

I had somewhat come to this conclusion. I can't continue to feel hurt. It isn't good for me or them. Just a matter of how I move next.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You will figure it out. You are strong, you got this. Keep us posted here as your situation evolves; we will continue to try to help.
 
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