Trans, dysphoria getting in the way of opening up.

U

unsure1999

New member
Howdy friends,

I'm new here, so please bear with me. haha

I'm really looking for advice here, maybe a way to overcome my feelings of jealousy, envy and dysphoria around being open with my partner.

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and we are very much in love, have a great relationship, rarely fight. (I've only been legitimately mad at him twice the entire time we've been together.)

I am a trans man, my partner (he/they) is a more non-binary-leaning trans man.

I prefer open relationships, and so does he. I have a ridiculously high sex drive and was stuck in a monogamous relationship for 6 years previously where I was only with one person, so I ended up going through a "hoe phase" when my partner and I opened up.

My partner has a kink for me hooking up with other people. It turns him on a lot and he loves to hear details. I'm the opposite-- I get extremely jealous, dysphoric, and feel threatened over the thought of him being with a cis guy, which is what both of us mainly hook up with because girls aren't as easy to find hookups with, and trans guys in our area are few and far between.

Here's the funny part. The thought of him hooking up with a girl, trans guy, or even trans girl is actually hot to me. It doesn't make me jealous. But the thought of him being with a cis guy makes me want to throw up. I get this knot in my stomach over it and I think about it all the time. And then I get angry with myself for being so insecure. I end up spiraling into a numb state where I can't be reached and I want to lash out.

I know it has to be my dysphoria. I wish so badly that I was born male. I wish I could have sex with others the way cis men do. I feel so inadequate and like I can never fully fulfill my partner because I don't have a penis. I also don't want bottom surgery because I don't like the way the results turn out.

My partner has a thing for ummm male bodily fluids and I hate that I'm physically incapable of giving him that. I'm worried he likes cis guys better than me because I can't give him that part of his kink. I feel like I'm failing him.

We have talked about this a lot, which is why he has only hooked up with one guy since we opened up, meanwhile I've hooked up with like 10. I feel like a hypocrite. I'm worried he resents me. I'm tired of spiraling and making myself sick over other people. I don't want him to not be able to experience things just because I can't deal with anything.

Sorry, this is kind of a rant. I could use any advice y'all can give me. I don't know how to help the dysphoria. I don't know how to stop torturing myself.
 
Please take what I say with care, as that how I mean it. I'm not trans and cannot talk from that perspective and do not want to come off insensitive or dismissive. So please give me that grace.

In polyamory, sometimes even cis people tend to get insecure about their partner being with someone who has something they don't and feel they cannot provide. They worry that their partner will love that thing more and the insecurity floods in. You aren't alone. You do have the additional factor of being trans, so I don't want to dismiss your experience. But know that we all date people. If we are healthy and honest, we know the difference between actual connections and fetishes.

Connections are with people and that's what matters. Every person is individual and has special qualities that make us attracted, fall in love, etc., we know this because we don't want to fuck every person we see in public, meet or even go on a first date with. Your partner values you for who you are. You are unique. There's nobody else like you and you are irreplaceable. If your relationship ends, it won't be because of someone else with something you don't have (unless they are superficial and if that's the case, you don't want them anyway), it will be because you two just aren't connecting in a great way, or the feelings aren't there, or you just aren't right for each other.

Body issues are not just a trans thing. Everyone has issues at some level, some more than others, of course. But it's still having that feeling of not being good enough.

Those who can afford surgery, get it. Those who can't, deal the best they can. Others get repeated surgeries until they are unrecognizable and still want more surgery because they are never happy.

Please give yourself grace and know that you are perfect just the way you are and you deserve to be loved for the person you are, not because you have or don't have certain features.
 
Bobbi said:
Please take what I say with care as that how I mean it. I'm not trans and cannot talk from that perspective and do not want to come off insensitive or dismissive to please give me that grace.

In polyamory, sometimes even cis people tend to get insecure about their partner being with someone who has something they don't and feel they cannot provide. They worry that their partner will love that thing more and the insecurity floods in. You aren't alone. You do have the additional factor of being trans so I don't want to dismiss your experience but know that we all date people. If we are healthy and honest, we know the difference between actual connections and fetishes.

Connections are with people and that's what matters. Every person is individual and has special qualities that make us attracted, fall in love, etc. we know this because we don't want to fuck every person we see in public, meet or even go on a first date with. Your partner values you for who you are. You are unique. There's nobody else like you and you are irreplaceable. If your relationship ends, it won't be because of someone else with something you don't have, (unless they are superficial and if that's the case, you don't want them anyway) it will be because you two just aren't connecting in a great way, or the feelings aren't there or you just aren't right for each other.

Body issues are not just a trans thing. Everyone has issues at some level, some more than others, of course. But it's still having that feeling of not being good enough.

Those who can afford surgery, get it. Those who can't, deal the best they can. Others get repeated surgeries until they are unrecognizable and still want more surgery because they are never happy.

Please give yourself grace and know that you are perfect just the way you are and you deserve to be loved for the person you are, not because you have or don't have certain features.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much for your response! It's definitely a different experience but I guess the dysphoria factor just plays into it more haha. I'm really determined to get through this, I just think I have work to do and need to talk to my partner and hopefully some more like-minded individuals, as well.
 
Hello unsure1999,

One of the nice things about polyamory is that different partners bring different things to the table. You are not replaceable because you are a unique person, what your partner gets from you is different from what he gets from anyone else.

I realize these words do not necessarily make you feel better, you are kind of trapped in a body that doesn't suit you and as such, you are going to have dysphoric feelings and other problems that stem from that. Still, my advice is to try to focus on what you do bring to your partner's table, rather than what you can't bring. Don't put yourself down so much for something you can't help.

I can see that this is a very difficult situation for you, and I am sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry the kind of surgery that would be satisfactory doesn't exist at this time. Someday, the technology may catch up with the need, but I know that doesn't help you here and now. You're doing the best you can with the resources that are available to you, I don't think you're failing your partner. There are reasons why your partner got together with you in the first place. Focus on those if you can.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
unsure1999 said:
Howdy friends,

I'm new here, so please bear with me. haha

I'm really looking for advice here, maybe a way to overcome my feelings of jealousy, envy and dysphoria around being open with my partner.

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and we are very much in love, have a great relationship, rarely fight. (I've only been legitimately mad at him twice the entire time we've been together.)

I am a trans man, my partner (he/they) is a more non-binary-leaning trans man.

I prefer open relationships, and so does he. I have a ridiculously high sex drive and was stuck in a monogamous relationship for 6 years previously where I was only with one person, so I ended up going through a "hoe phase" when my partner and I opened up.
Click to expand...
Welcome, and congrats on a three-year relationship! Would you like to choose a nickname for your partner? That helps with people's comprehension of your story.

I am non-binary (she/her) and one of my nesting partners is technically a trans woman, although she identifies as just a woman (she/her). (She was never very masculine, even before starting hormones.) Our boyfriends are both cis men (he/him), pansexuals. (We don't share each other's bfs/gfs; we keep the dyads separate.)

Just so you know, this is a board for polyamory, which means romantic love. It's not really part of the hookup culture. Sure, some of us have or have had casual sex, fuckbuddies, FWBs, have swung or do swing, etc. Lots of us are kinky in one way or another. But the discussions mostly center around long-term relationships, or at least the attempt to create them.

Of course, I understand that gay men have had a long tradition of coupling up as life mates, but being open to casual sex "on the side." Maybe that's changing a bit now, to where more serious relationships are considered besides the original couple. That's where polyamory comes in.
unsure1999 said:
My partner has a kink for me hooking up with other people. It turns him on a lot and he loves to hear details. I'm the opposite-- I get extremely jealous, dysphoric, and feel threatened over the thought of him being with a cis guy, which is what both of us mainly hook up with, because girls aren't as easy to find hookups with, and trans guys in our area are few and far between.

Here's the funny part. The thought of him hooking up with a girl, trans guy, or even trans girl is actually hot to me. It doesn't make me jealous. But the thought of him being with a cis guy makes me want to throw up. I get this knot in my stomach over it and I think about it all the time. And then I get angry with myself for being so insecure. I end up spiraling into a numb state where I can't be reached and I want to lash out.

I know it has to be my dysphoria. I wish so badly that I was born male. I wish I could have sex with others the way cis men do. I feel so inadequate and like I can never fully fulfill my partner because I don't have a penis.
Click to expand...
As a non-binary person, I can kind of relate. Sometimes I am happy with my boobs and hips and vagina, and other times I badly wish I could have a penis (a flesh one, not a dildo) to penetrate a partner! Argh.

I do have several good trans-masc friends who I am sure struggle in the same way you do. Have you spoken to many other trans men (besides your partner)? I know online support groups for alternative genders can get toxic and be ... less than helpful! So that can suck.
unsure1999 said:
I also don't want bottom surgery because I don't like the way the results turn out.

My partner has a thing for ummm male bodily fluids and I hate that I'm physically incapable of giving him that. I'm worried he likes cis guys better than me because I can't give him that part of his kink. I feel like I'm failing him.

We have talked about this a lot, which is why he has only hooked up with one guy since we opened up, meanwhile I've hooked up with like 10. I feel like a hypocrite. I'm worried he resents me. I'm tired of spiraling and making myself sick over other people. I don't want him to not be able to experience things just because I can't deal with anything.

Sorry, this is kind of a rant. I could use any advice y'all can give me. I don't know how to help the dysphoria. I don't know how to stop torturing myself.
Click to expand...
Many trans folk nowadays get therapy before, during or after transition. Have you had that kind of help, hopefully with a queer/trans therapist, or at least a gay man or lesbian who is educated in trans issues?

My female partner has worked at a summer kid for trans kids and gender-non-conforming kids (ages 8-15) for 15 years, and many/most of the staff at camp have gone on to work in the queer psychology/therapy/advocacy field.

Besides just getting more to the root of things, and learning, as others said, how to know that you offer unique things besides an organic penis, I'd say that you emphasize to your partner that you don't want to hear anything about his hookups with cis men, not even that he has a date with one. I hear that you both hook up a lot, and enjoy hearing each other's sex details. But in polyamory, we find that many people do not want to hear their partner's sex details, for reasons of jealousy, envy, comparison, or just because they feel those details should be private.

So many supposedly poly cis men only want "their" women to have gfs and not bfs, because they are afraid the other men will steal her away because of a bigger penis, more money, better job, house, car and so on. We suggest that these men work on their issues and not limit their female partners just to avoid dealing with their issues.

I hear that you're trying to work on your issues but have not had much success. That's why I recommend therapy.

Or, of course, you could break up with your partner (despite loving him) and find a mono partner of whatever gender who won't be dating cis men and triggering you.

I'd say your partner is being very kind to only hook up with other trans men, but that you feel it's unfair of you to have him limit his dating pool in that way, just because of YOUR dysphoria.

Is there a chance either of you might want to "settle down" (stop hooking up so much) and both find steady OSOs to have relationships with? Then you could get to know your partner's partner(s), no matter their gender, and understand that it's not a competition, and it's not gender (genitalia, fluids), but the entire package, personalities, interests, etc., that brings people together.

Those are my initial thoughts. I'm interested in continuing the conversation.
 
Uh, that sounds just hard. So sorry. No advice, just some sympathy.
 
Magdlyn said:
Welcome, and congrats on a three-year relationship! Would you like to choose a nickname for your partner? That helps with people's comprehension of your story.

I am non-binary (she/her) and one of my nesting partners is technically a trans woman, although she identifies as just a woman (she/her). (She was never very masculine, even before starting hormones.) Our boyfriends are both cis men (he/him), pansexuals. (We don't share each other's bfs/gfs; we keep the dyads separate.)

Just so you know, this is a board for polyamory, which means romantic love. It's not really part of the hookup culture. Sure, some of us have or have had casual sex, fuckbuddies, FWBs, have swung or do swing, etc. Lots of us are kinky in one way or another. But the discussions mostly center around long-term relationships, or at least the attempt to create them.

Of course, I understand that gay men have had a long tradition of coupling up as life mates, but being open to casual sex "on the side." Maybe that's changing a bit now, to where more serious relationships are considered besides the original couple. That's where polyamory comes in.

As a non-binary person, I can kind of relate. Sometimes I am happy with my boobs and hips and vagina, and other times I badly wish I could have a penis (a flesh one, not a dildo) to penetrate a partner! Argh.

I do have several good trans-masc friends who I am sure struggle in the same way you do. Have you spoken to many other trans men (besides your partner)? I know online support groups for alternative genders can get toxic and be ... less than helpful! So that can suck.

Many trans folk nowadays get therapy before, during or after transition. Have you had that kind of help, hopefully with a queer/trans therapist, or at least a gay man or lesbian who is educated in trans issues?

My female partner has worked at a summer kid for trans kids and gender-non-conforming kids (ages 8-15) for 15 years, and many/most of the staff at camp have gone on to work in the queer psychology/therapy/advocacy field.

Besides just getting more to the root of things, and learning, as others said, how to know that you offer unique things besides an organic penis, I'd say that you emphasize to your partner that you don't want to hear anything about his hookups with cis men, not even that he has a date with one. I hear that you both hook up a lot, and enjoy hearing each other's sex details. But in polyamory, we find that many people do not want to hear their partner's sex details, for reasons of jealousy, envy, comparison, or just because they feel those details should be private.

So many supposedly poly cis men only want "their" women to have gfs and not bfs, because they are afraid the other men will steal her away because of a bigger penis, more money, better job, house, car and so on. We suggest that these men work on their issues and not limit their female partners just to avoid dealing with their issues.

I hear that you're trying to work on your issues but have not had much success. That's why I recommend therapy.

Or, of course, you could break up with your partner (despite loving him) and find a mono partner of whatever gender who won't be dating cis men and triggering you.

I'd say your partner is being very kind to only hook up with other trans men, but that you feel it's unfair of you to have him limit his dating pool in that way, just because of YOUR dysphoria.

Is there a chance either of you might want to "settle down" (stop hooking up so much) and both find steady OSOs to have relationships with? Then you could get to know your partner's partner(s), no matter their gender, and understand that it's not a competition, and it's not gender (genitalia, fluids), but the entire package, personalities, interests, etc., that brings people together.

Those are my initial thoughts. I'm interested in continuing the conversation.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your comment! The reason I came to this site is because everyone seemed super nice and willing to talk, rather than talk down to me like they do on other sites.

Right now, we are currently doing the FWB/NSA thing with others. We are open to the possibility of having partners in our relationship, but it's not something we're actively seeking out. There is one girl that we would absolutely both date if she wasn't already in a monogamous relationship lol!

We both would like to have an FWB instead of hooking up so much, or even have one FWB that we share.

I have been in therapy for over 10 years now, and I fully acknowledge that a lot of my insecurities come from trauma and dysphoria, but mainly trauma lol. I don't talk to my therapist about nonmonogamy because I'm afraid of being judged or diagnosed with something that I don't have. I'm very private about my relationship in that aspect.

I would also like to add that I had a VERY bad experience with my last ex when we ended up in a poly situation. She was very abusive, lied, cheated, pushed my boundaries. You get the picture. So I still have a lot of trauma from that past relationship. Her ex bf publicly humiliated me and nearly ruined my relationship with my grandmother who was living with us at the time. It's really hard for me to get over that, though I know my partner (let's call him R) would never do such a thing or allow it to happen.

I really just want to speak with like minded people who have experience with this and aren't going to be rude and judgy about my relationship like they are if I ask questions on Reddit haha.

Even just making this post and reading the comments has helped me put a lot into perspective. I have also spent multiple years researching, reading, listening to podcasts about polyamory/ENM. I have thought about maybe reaching out to a coach or therapist that specializes in polyamory and queer issues, but money is also a factor.

Thanks so much for your comment and would love to hear more from you!
 
I'm glad you posted again. Hi.

One of our members, Galagirl, often shares a list of poly-friendly therapists. You could maybe do a search of her posts and find it, if she doesn't come in to this thread. I've done quite a bit of therapy and I always share everything lol. I don't see the point of paying someone if they aren't getting the full picture to actually help me. I had to fire one therapist who told me at my second session that married people should never get crushes on other people. As if you could help getting a crush! WTH?

Are you saying your therapist is good with queer issues, but not educated about open relationships? I'm surprised, since gay men are so often in open relationships. I guess someone not understanding open relationships might assume you have trouble with commitment, or being securely attached. But poly people (actually polyamorous) are very into commitment and being present/close with our partners. We just like having more than one close intimate partner to meet our needs and to bring us interesting variety.

I'm sorry you're still traumatized by that terrible relationship with that woman and her rude bf. Ugh. Lying and cheating don't belong in any healthy relationship. Among of the values of polyamory is honesty, openness and respect. Sigh...

One thing about your posts I can't get on board with is trying to share a partner with your partner. Trying to do a triad is SO difficult. There is usually more jealousy, more imbalance, less meeting of needs, more angst, than when you date independently. Read this:

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Also, check out our master thread with tons of helpful articles, books and podcasts.

 
Magdlyn said:
I'm glad you posted again. Hi.

One of our members, Galagirl, often shares a list of poly-friendly therapists. You could maybe do a search of her posts and find it, if she doesn't come in to this thread. I've done quite a bit of therapy and I always share everything lol. I don't see the point of paying someone if they aren't getting the full picture to actually help me. I had to fire one therapist who told me at my second session that married people should never get crushes on other people. As if you could help getting a crush! WTH?

Are you saying your therapist is good with queer issues, but not educated about open relationships? I'm surprised, since gay men are so often in open relationships. I guess someone not understanding open relationships might assume you have trouble with commitment, or being securely attached. But poly people (actually polyamorous) are very into commitment and being present/close with our partners. We just like having more than one close intimate partner to meet our needs and to bring us interesting variety.

I'm sorry you're still traumatized by that terrible relationship with that woman and her rude bf. Ugh. Lying and cheating don't belong in any healthy relationship. Among of the values of polyamory is honesty, openness and respect. Sigh...

One thing about your posts I can't get on board with is trying to share a partner with your partner. Trying to do a triad is SO difficult. There is usually more jealousy, more imbalance, less meeting of needs, more angst, than when you date independently. Read this:

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com

Also, check out our master thread with tons of helpful articles, books and podcasts.

Click to expand...
I understand where you're coming from for sure, a triad is definitely difficult to maneuver and is likely not going to happen for us, it's more of just a fantasy (in an ideal world) lol
I'm not saying my therapist would actually judge me, but I also live in the south and it makes me really apprehensive about being openly poly or even queer. My therapist is very supportive of me and I'm sure if I told her about it she'd be surprised but not mean about it. I just don't want to really bring it up I guess? It's more my own fear and anxiety than anything.
Right now I think we're just exploring and trying to figure things out. I truly believe R is my soulmate and even if we dated other people we would still be each other's #1. It's mostly just about time and effort, having casual sex is a lot easier than trying to have a whole other relationship haha. But I do admire those that make it work and love to hear success stories from them. I know that in my heart I could absolutely fall in love with another person, but R will always be my soulmate no matter what.
 
unsure1999 said:
Howdy friends,

I'm new here, so please bear with me. haha

I'm really looking for advice here, maybe a way to overcome my feelings of jealousy, envy and dysphoria around being open with my partner.

My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and we are very much in love, have a great relationship, rarely fight. (I've only been legitimately mad at him twice the entire time we've been together.)

I am a trans man, my partner (he/they) is a more non-binary-leaning trans man.

I prefer open relationships, and so does he. I have a ridiculously high sex drive and was stuck in a monogamous relationship for 6 years previously where I was only with one person, so I ended up going through a "hoe phase" when my partner and I opened up.

My partner has a kink for me hooking up with other people. It turns him on a lot and he loves to hear details. I'm the opposite-- I get extremely jealous, dysphoric, and feel threatened over the thought of him being with a cis guy, which is what both of us mainly hook up with because girls aren't as easy to find hookups with, and trans guys in our area are few and far between.

Here's the funny part. The thought of him hooking up with a girl, trans guy, or even trans girl is actually hot to me. It doesn't make me jealous. But the thought of him being with a cis guy makes me want to throw up. I get this knot in my stomach over it and I think about it all the time. And then I get angry with myself for being so insecure. I end up spiraling into a numb state where I can't be reached and I want to lash out.

I know it has to be my dysphoria. I wish so badly that I was born male. I wish I could have sex with others the way cis men do. I feel so inadequate and like I can never fully fulfill my partner because I don't have a penis. I also don't want bottom surgery because I don't like the way the results turn out.

My partner has a thing for ummm male bodily fluids and I hate that I'm physically incapable of giving him that. I'm worried he likes cis guys better than me because I can't give him that part of his kink. I feel like I'm failing him.

We have talked about this a lot, which is why he has only hooked up with one guy since we opened up, meanwhile I've hooked up with like 10. I feel like a hypocrite. I'm worried he resents me. I'm tired of spiraling and making myself sick over other people. I don't want him to not be able to experience things just because I can't deal with anything.

Sorry, this is kind of a rant. I could use any advice y'all can give me. I don't know how to help the dysphoria. I don't know how to stop torturing myself.
Click to expand...
In the same boat. Wish there was a support group for this.
 
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