Trans female looking for advice.

LauryAnne

New member
I am trans female and lesbian. I am pre-op. I really don't know what to do. Because I am pre-op I cannot find a lesbian who will be with me. I also want a lesbian triad relationship. My social skills are horrible. Should I wait until I have bottom surgery done before dating?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello LauryAnne,

I guess getting the surgery first before dating would simplify things, you could keep looking for lesbians who will date you pre-op, and eventually you will probably find them, but it might take a long time. It might help if you yourself would be willing to date a pre-op trans lesbian. Maybe. I am really not an expert on these things, but these are some of my initial thoughts. Good luck and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

LauryAnne

New member
Hello LauryAnne,

I guess getting the surgery first before dating would simplify things, you could keep looking for lesbians who will date you pre-op, and eventually you will probably find them, but it might take a long time. It might help if you yourself would be willing to date a pre-op trans lesbian. Maybe. I am really not an expert on these things, but these are some of my initial thoughts. Good luck and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Dating another trans female is not an option. Not attracted to trans women. Only cis women. Besides I don't want someone with a penis, which is definitely a part of being lesbian. Lesbian do not find it attractive. And I am terrified of men, a penis will only make me think of a person as male.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Okay, well, you probably do understand, then, why a lesbian would be reluctant to date a pre-op trans lesbian. By no means do I mean that there is anything wrong with you, you are just going through a transition and maybe it would make sense to complete the transition before you start dating. I don't know if the surgery is something you could get soon, get it soon if you can. If the surgery is a long ways down the road, then you have a more complicated situation on your hands. It's still conceivable that you could find a lesbian or two who will date you pre-op, just be aware that you are asking them to do something that you would not want to do yourself. I guess that would even be the case post-op, you indicated you would not want to date any trans women, period. I still think getting the surgery would help, if you could do it. Keep in mind that what works for you may be different from what works for others.
 

LauryAnne

New member
Surgery is about 10 month's away so it is not that bad. Facial feminization surgery should be around the same time. Once I everything is done I will be fully female. Except for the uterus of course. It is possible that I would date a trans female though only if she post op. I was thinking that I should wait though I wanted to see what someone else thought.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well as I was saying, I reckon it is possible for there to be a lesbian who would be willing to date a pre-op trans, but I think it would probably take a long time to find such a person. Heck, probably longer than ten months, and by then you would be post-op anyway, so I just wonder if the headache would be worth it. Certainly there is no rule saying you can't try, but all else being equal, I guess my suggestion would be to wait until you've had the surgery. I'm glad it's just ten months away, that's not too horrible of a wait. Of course that is easy for me to say. I'm not in your shoes.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If you think you should wait? Go ahead and wait. And in the meanwhile? Could improve the social skills you mentioned. Maybe do some poly reading on triads. Maybe some on good communication skills. So when the time comes to date, you have some of that done already.

Galagirl
 

LauryAnne

New member
If you think you should wait? Go ahead and wait. And in the meanwhile? Could improve the social skills you mentioned. Maybe do some poly reading on triads. Maybe some on good communication skills. So when the time comes to date, you have some of that done already.

Galagirl
I have a lot to work on actually. Part of why my social skills are poor is social anxiety and I am terrified of men due to childhood trauma. I am going into a in-house treatment center next month. It is an 8 week program which I really hope works. I have about 10 to 12 months before vaginoplasty. I am pretty excited about too. Though I am more excited about facial feminization surgery..... I really do believe that the reassignment surgeries will help with my self esteem issues and give more confidence in social settings like dating. I understand perfectly why a lesbian would not be attracted to me at the moment. Right now my only option is to date someone who is pansexual and I am not really interested in that.
 

charlie_jumper

New member
I think you have got really good advice in here.

I think it is important to share your thoughts and feelings, because you have a plan and a date of the begin of the Surgeries.
I can imagine that the waitingtime and your desire for relationships puts you under pressure, but share your thoughts and feelings with us, therapists and friends. I think that could be a big support for you.

There is one big bonuspoint for sharing your Story in public, besides the initial relief of sharing thoughts and feelings - maybe someone reads your Storys and will get interrested in you.


I do not know if that is any helpful, but that what comes to my mind.
 

fuchka

Active member
Physical attributes aside, what would you bring to a relationship? (Not expecting you to answer here but just a question for you to perhaps consider yourself)

Gender affirming surgery can certainly improve self esteem; I hope your therapy helps and you continue to feel better about yourself inside and out.

To me, good intimate relationships, let alone triads, start with your own self love.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I can't really give you advice, but I just wanted to send my support. I am a pansexual non-binary person. I use she/her pronouns because I feel female most of the time. My long-term nesting partner is a pre-op transwoman, although she just IDs as female. She's been on hormones for over a decade. Luckily we are both pansexual. (Currently we both have boyfriends as well.)

I hear you are in a tough spot because, not only are you not attracted to men, you're averse to men because of trauma. Also, you are so afraid of penises that you won't date a woman who happens to have one. Your dating pool is very small and I am sorry.

I am curious why you wouldn't date a bi or pansexual cis woman though (or a person with a vagina the does not ID as female, but as non-binary or gender non-conforming or gender queer).

I wish you all the best with your inpatient therapy and coming surgeries! hugs
 

LauryAnne

New member
Did not say that a woman with penis does not qualify as a woman. And as far as dating only lesbians, less chance of men coming around my home because they will only have women as partners. Not everyone is pansexual like you and your partner. The way that you are asking it seems as if you think that everyone should be pansexual. It's not a choice. It's just the way I am. There are lots of people who are attracted to only men or women and attracted to both. I know only one person who is pansexual.
 

powerpuffgrl1969

Active member
i don't think Mags had any ill intent, or was implying you "should" be pansexual. You are just in a rough spot right now.
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
I read it as a genuine curiosity. And I also understand your answer about wanting to ensure your home is unlikely to end up being open to a male metamour. Whilst you could simply have that as a rule, I'm sure it would also be nice to have the option of kitchen table polyamory without ever having to worry about that.
 

LauryAnne

New member
Very hard for me to have a triad relationship if one is male. Cannot happen. I am not living with or being romantically involved with a guy. Terrified of men.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Kitchen table polyamory is very different from being in a triad. I hear you that you want a triad, but are you also wanted a closed triad (where no-one dates anyone else?) Because triads can also be open, where anyone in the triad might date outside the triad but that person is just friends (or not even friends) with the other people.
 

fuchka

Active member
I thought Mags was curious why you as a lesbian were not interested in dating someone who was pansexual (if you were otherwise attracted to them).

Perhaps we are using words differently but to me, a lesbian could date someone who was bi or pan. It's a narrower concept to me to say lesbians are only interested in dating other lesbians...

Maybe you can't explain why you are attracted to others based on who they themselves are attracted to. That's fair.

I am curious about that too, though, if it is something that you are able to unpack.
 

fuchka

Active member
@LauryAnne I just properly read your reply to Mags. That makes sense to me, it's more a practical thing than an attraction thing. Thanks for clarifying
 
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