Transitioning a Relationship

Hello,

So this past weekend my girlfriend broke up with me for reasons that were mostly external. We talked about it and decided that it ment alot to both of us to remain friends. We spoke about perhaps developing a lovers/play partners/Friends who did things- something more casual than the lifetime relationship we had previously talked about and been forging.

I said that it would be an adjustment to get there but I would like to develop that but wanted to focus on friendship for at least the first two weeks so that I could have some time to cry and heal.

Dose anyone have any tips on transitioning relationship types and maintaining friendships after a break up? I do not have experience going from a more serious to more causual relationship type. From my understanding it is not a sure thing, but something we are both open to.

Advice? Tips?
 
This comes up not infrequently actually. First, I'm sorry about the breakup. Even if it is the option that makes the most sense, it's still a bummer.

I take a 40 day break from any contact with an ex after breaking up. No texting, visits, phone calls, social media, etc. That may seem excessive for a relationship that ended amicably but no contact is really essential to give you - and her - time to get some distance and perspective. And why 40 days? Just over a month seems to be perfect time frame - long enough to get a good start on grieving the loss and beginning to work through the pain and disappointment. I've done this with all of my recent breakups and it really works for me. I'm friends with all of my recent exes.

Of course, if you two had children together, this doesn't work in the same way. Your mileage will vary of course! But I suggest making an agreement with her not to be in contact for 40 days. See if it helps. Good luck!
 
This comes up not infrequently actually. First, I'm sorry about the breakup. Even if it is the option that makes the most sense, it's still a bummer.

I take a 40 day break from any contact with an ex after breaking up. No texting, visits, phone calls, social media, etc. That may seem excessive for a relationship that ended amicably but no contact is really essential to give you - and her - time to get some distance and perspective. And why 40 days? Just over a month seems to be perfect time frame - long enough to get a good start on grieving the loss and beginning to work through the pain and disappointment. I've done this with all of my recent breakups and it really works for me. I'm friends with all of my recent exes.

Of course, if you two had children together, this doesn't work in the same way. Your mileage will vary of course! But I suggest making an agreement with her not to be in contact for 40 days. See if it helps. Good luck!

I'm not sure if no contact would work for this particular situation. Just knowing our respective personalities. We have been talking a fair bit and it has all been positive so far.

I am friends with exes of mine. But I have never gone from a more serious relationship to a more casual romantic/sexual connection before. So it was in that realm that I was curious about the experience of others.
 
Hi Jay,

I am not experienced in the area you described, but I am inclined to suggest you go slowly in this transition; don't be in a rush to form the new relationship shape.

Hopefully we can give you more advice as the situation progresses.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am attempting to transition to friends with my most recent bf. He broke up with me due to "external circumstances" too. His mom died, she was a narcissist and evil and he took care of her during her illness. Now he needs to restructure his life.

I feel badly for him with such an evil mom and what it's done to his head. He feels relief, and grief, and guilt at being relieved.

Also his mom's sisters (gossiping bitches) met me at his mom's wake, and were horrified at our age difference, and I think he has internalised some of that! Ugh.

I don't usually stay friends with exes, but since he's grieving and has asked for my continued friendship, I have agreed. It's not been easy! He doesn't want to have sex either. I feel rejected. I feel bitter. I feel suspicious. I lost trust in him.

I didn't take the 40 days no contact thing because I felt he needed a friend. He told me my house is still his "happy place," but having him here now as a friend with no romantic feelings or activities, no touching, hurts my heart. I am trying, but I don't know if I can really continue to do this.

I think it would be super hard to transition from full-on committed lovers to casual FWBs. It seems to me the old connected feelings would crop up during sex/afterglow and cause pain at the loss.

But that's just me, maybe others have managed it.
 
Transitioning

From my own experience, contact during the transition definitely delays and prolongs the process. The amount of time, for me, is somewhat dependent on the depth and length of the relationship but there's no exact number.

If contact is unavoidable, I would suggest you do what you can to keep it short and avoid situations that arose from your relationship. I would find it very difficult to be the support person for someone I was transitioning. That would be brutal.
 
I think the key with it is setting boundaries and sticking to them. And then taking the time to adjsut to the new and presumably different boundaries.

As an update she fixed some of her shit and she asked me to take her back so now we are dating again. It feels different tho. I think we are still figuring things out I guess.
 
Thanks for that update; I hope you guys get back together and work things out with each other.
 
As an update she fixed some of her shit and she asked me to take her back so now we are dating again. It feels different tho. I think we are still figuring things out I guess.

My experience is that when the couple agrees to immediately "transition to being friends" it means that the romantic relationship is not over for one or both. It's important for you to be clear on what you want, otherwise you'll be bandied about by the waves of love. Getting clear on what you want doesn't mean having endless talks with your partner. It means getting clear on what you want. People who find themselves going back and forth, back and forth, are conflicted and looking to their partner to steady the ship, which will never happen until they themselves internally navigate a way to smooth sailing.

It's never about the other guy.
 
My experience is that when the couple agrees to immediately "transition to being friends" it means that the romantic relationship is not over for one or both. It's important for you to be clear on what you want, otherwise you'll be bandied about by the waves of love. Getting clear on what you want doesn't mean having endless talks with your partner. It means getting clear on what you want. People who find themselves going back and forth, back and forth, are conflicted and looking to their partner to steady the ship, which will never happen until they themselves internally navigate a way to smooth sailing.

It's never about the other guy.


This is a very good point. Thank you for this feedback. I think this is definitely part of this issue at the moment. I think I need to figure out what I want. Up till now I have been flexible but since I don't think she know what she wants there has been lots of back and forth.

Maybe being less flexible and figuring out what I want would help.
 
Maybe being less flexible and figuring out what I want would help.

Knowing what you want doesn't mean being rigid, it means that you are at peace in your heart and have a clear sense of yourself in this relationship. Trying to control or steer a relationship never feels good for either partner, so I don't recommend ultimatums or sit-downs about "needs." Those approaches have limited success and usually lead to disappointment and tears because no partner can "fill the needs" of another by constantly making an effort to behave in ways that are externally pleasing. It's taxing and it's not authentic and it's not even what the other partner wants. Everyone wants to feel genuinely loved and that the love is freely offered, not negotiated for.

Your girlfriend is reflecting your ambivalence back to you, although it often feels to you as if she is the one who is back and forth. When you internally seek better clarity about what you want, you will see that clarification reflected in this relationship. It's not really about her at all. She is just showing you to you.
 
Knowing what you want doesn't mean being rigid, it means that you are at peace in your heart and have a clear sense of yourself in this relationship. Trying to control or steer a relationship never feels good for either partner, so I don't recommend ultimatums or sit-downs about "needs." Those approaches have limited success and usually lead to disappointment and tears because no partner can "fill the needs" of another by constantly making an effort to behave in ways that are externally pleasing. It's taxing and it's not authentic and it's not even what the other partner wants. Everyone wants to feel genuinely loved and that the love is freely offered, not negotiated for.

Your girlfriend is reflecting your ambivalence back to you, although it often feels to you as if she is the one who is back and forth. When you internally seek better clarity about what you want, you will see that clarification reflected in this relationship. It's not really about her at all. She is just showing you to you.

Angelina, this "it's all on you" thing is your constant theme, and you have made some good points, but I think it's too extreme. It takes two to tango. His gf broke up with HIM. She has her "external reasons," her needs. He has his. She is ambivalent. He is ambivalent. They sort it out together. They meet somewhere in the middle... or they give up. It's not just about HIM. His choices are his, but they will be in relation to what the gf is doing or saying, not merely what is in his own head about his "needs." You speak like he should act like he's in some sort of void, alone, and there is no relationship! That seems ridiculous to me.

You might clarify this, because it sounds unrealistic.
 
Knowing what you want doesn't mean being rigid, it means that you are at peace in your heart and have a clear sense of yourself in this relationship.

In my experience, 95% of relationship problems boil down to an individual not having peace in his/her heart and looking to the other to provide it. Nobody can give us what we lack and that request is usually what's behind negotiations about "needs."


You speak like he should act like he's in some sort of void, alone, and there is no relationship! That seems ridiculous to me.

You might clarify this, because it sounds unrealistic.

My message is pretty much always that we need to take responsibility for how we feel, how we see ourselves and for what we want. Far from living in a void, I have genuine and ongoing (if changed) relationships with almost all of my ex partners and husband and I'm very happy with the current ones. I highly recommend taking one's focus off of blame and problem-hunting and instead putting it on appreciation and one's own positive self-image. We see only ourselves in other people and in our relationships.
 
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FWIW, it sounds like you're BOTH (mostly) correct. :eek:

What the OP described -- mostly, the WAY the situation was painted -- sounded a lot (to me) like a hysteresis loop, in that the relationship-escalator-type attraction pulls them together, which causes them to be uncomfortably aware of their incompatibilities, so they fling apart, only to be drawn back together, & repeat the "make up, break up" cycle.

If just one of them develops a higher degree of self-awareness, then the cycle could be slowed. If BOTH can manage this & also improve expression of their doubts/fears/hopes, they could stop the cycle entirely, & find a mutually satisfying relationship that's neither distant nor joined-at-the-hip.
 
....causes them to be uncomfortably aware of their incompatibilities, so they fling apart....

I agree with your post, Ravenscroft, but I would only amend it by specifying that they are flung apart by their fear of what they see in the other, which is actually fear of what this illuminates in the self. If they were truly incompatible, there would be disinterest. An emotional pull or flinging apart is always a struggle that has two ends, one in each person. As Mags rightly points out, it does take two to tango. We often speak of "incompatibilities" in relationships, but usually we are speaking of very compatible fears, perfectly fitting fears that are triggered in each person. When we come across someone who is actually incompatible, they don't fit at all emotionally and we feel no spark or interest and can peacefully allow them to move along.

You are absolutely correct that development of self-awareness in one partner can greatly influence a relationship for the better.
 
I agree with your post, Ravenscroft, but I would only amend it by specifying that they are flung apart by their fear of what they see in the other, which is actually fear of what this illuminates in the self. If they were truly incompatible, there would be disinterest. An emotional pull or flinging apart is always a struggle that has two ends, one in each person. As Mags rightly points out, it does take two to tango. We often speak of "incompatibilities" in relationships, but usually we are speaking of very compatible fears, perfectly fitting fears that are triggered in each person. When we come across someone who is actually incompatible, they don't fit at all emotionally and we feel no spark or interest and can peacefully allow them to move along.

You are absolutely correct that development of self-awareness in one partner can greatly influence a relationship for the better.

I needed more information from my recent ex bf who dumped me, to enable me to fully understand why he drew back, and to gain the closure I needed. When I didn't understand it, my head and heart were swirling. Once I was able to get him to give me a few clues, only then could I give up hope and close the door, find clarity and begin to move on. Details in the recent posts on my blog here.
 
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