Triad move in day coming up and need advice.

Semperfi4ever

New member
In two weeks my husband of 15years and I will welcome our triad in and share our home. We are all new at this my husband and her are so in NRE it all seems amazing. To me I'm scared and not wanting to cause drama. I see all how much everything has changed I just know it's going to change even more. I guess my question is how to deal with these jitters? How to deal with all 3 of us in bed and feeling like there just snuggling but I'm over there alone ? Lastly how to deal with preventing my spouse from falling out of love with me when hes deep in NRE ? I want this to work just need guidance
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
You can't prevent him falling out of love with you. No-one can control another person's feelings like that.

Why are you all sharing one bed/bedroom? What space do you (and each person) have that they can get away from the others when they simply want to read a book or whatnot?

I hear that you want this to work, but it's unclear what steps everyone is doing to create a feeling of safety and excitement around this change for you. Rather, you've been given an ultimatum.

So, my advice is...

If you don't have one already, get a bank account in solely your name. Save money into it regularly so you either build a fund that can help you if this all goes pear shaped, or you can spend on something that you don't have to negotiate about if the transition is successful.

It honestly sounds like they aren't going to help you with these jitters, so other than financial autonomy and a space that you can go for privacy, what else would make you feel safer, that You can do for yourself?
 

Ariakas

Bosun
As a recent exit in a quad I highly recommend each person having their own space. If they need to decompress, escape, think.. where can they go?

You can't control others emotions, and don't try. It breeds resentment. Let things flow if you can.

I would also recommend keeping finances as split as possible. Things can get messy when couples break out, it's gets harder the more people you have in the proverbial kitty.

The goal with any relationship is to join together as independent people. Don't lose yourself in the the triad. You are still you.. you just happen to be in 4 relationships

Yourself
One with partner 1
One with partner 2
The triad

Lastly, even when living together you can still have healthy boundaries... Nre is a fun time.. with maturity and grace it can be healthy.. instead of a drug.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Besides the personal space/finance issues that others have already covered... Why are you all moving in if you haven't already discussed all the concerns? Have you done sleepovers before? If so, did you feel left out during them? If so, why would you consent to doing that every day? How long have you all been together?
 

Semperfi4ever

New member
You can't prevent him falling out of love with you. No-one can control another person's feelings like that.

Why are you all sharing one bed/bedroom? What space do you (and each person) have that they can get away from the others when they simply want to read a book or whatnot?

I hear that you want this to work, but it's unclear what steps everyone is doing to create a feeling of safety and excitement around this change for you. Rather, you've been given an ultimatum.

So, my advice is...

If you don't have one already, get a bank account in solely your name. Save money into it regularly so you either build a fund that can help you if this all goes pear shaped, or you can spend on something that you don't have to negotiate about if the transition is successful.

It honestly sounds like they aren't going to help you with these jitters, so other than financial autonomy and a space that you can go for privacy, what else would make you feel safer, that You can do for yourself?
Thanks for reply....
It really helps having a safe place outside the bubble to talk about my feelings and get pure genuine advice. I will definitely work on those things . I do feel kinda alone in this bubble but I love the way they love each other so I dont want to take away from this happy time . Any suggestions on how to approach talking about jitters without sounding nagging or negative?
 

Semperfi4ever

New member
Besides the personal space/finance issues that others have already covered... Why are you all moving in if you haven't already discussed all the concerns? Have you done sleepovers before? If so, did you feel left out during them? If so, why would you consent to doing that every day? How long have you all been together?
We have done sleepovers and mostly been great there just been lately seeming hes more about holding her all night and says hes asleep and doesnt realize he hasn't even touched me. I've been used to that for 15years and then to kinda turn it off it's hard. I feel I'm being to hard about it or kinda crazy so dont know how to approach it just hope this is phase and will work it self out.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Any suggestions on how to approach talking about jitters without sounding nagging or negative?
Bring solutions to the conversation, not just the problems.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Semperfi4ever,

You said, in your previous thread, that he says, that you have to make this work, or he will leave you for her. So you are under a lot of pressure. It sounds very exciting for them, very terrifying for you. I have a feeling your husband is kind of pushing this on you, he is making it go faster than you want it to. Honestly he should not be treating like this, but he seems to hold all the power in this relationship. You do not want to lose him no matter what, so if he says you have to make it work, you will just suck it up and do as he says, and hope, with fear and trembling, that you do not cause drama and thus displease him.

Perhaps if you please him enough, *maybe* he will not fall out of love with you when he's deep in NRE. You will have to do everything exactly as he says, and gods help you if you do cause drama, because then he will punish you by pulling away, and possibly leaving you. Do not displease him, you must not displease him, you do not want him to fall out of love with you and the only way to prevent that is to do exactly as he says. Do not let him know that you are having any jitters, bury them deep down inside. You do not want him to think that you are taking the fun out of the situation. If they're snuggling in bed while you're over there alone, you're going to have to endure that pain quietly.

Of course there is another way out of this. Namely, that *you* leave *him.* He is not treating you right, and there are other guys out there who would treat you much better. Yes, it is scary to get a divorce, but if you can hang in there, and play the dating game, you can eventually find someone else to marry who will treat you decently, like maybe not push you into having a triad, or at the very least if they do want a triad, they will continue to love you as much as ever, and will not let the NRE influence their behavior for the worse. I get the impression you might have wanted a triad, but not like this. You didn't want to get pushed off into the sidelines.

I hope you can find a solution. Keep posting, and we'll keep trying to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
From this thread last week:

Thank you for all your advice I was just informed after talking to him that I have to make this work or he will leave me for her I'm devastated. 16 years gone .

How was this resolved? Because in that one he was all "lump it or else I'm leaving you for her."

That isn't him treating you well. And if this is you bending into pretzels trying to hang on to him when it's basically dead in the water because he doesn't treat you well or with respect?

Don't waste your time.

If it was pressure, acting out, or whatever that can be overcome? Then it might be different. Talk about what is EACH person going to do to help in this transition time so ALL can make it through.

But if you JUST started a triad with your best friend... why the rush to live together? Is there even enough space here? Where was she living? Can't he just go hang with her over there? Then you can be here and not watch them cosleeping?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-living-styles-should-we-all-live-together

I love the way they love each other so I dont want to take away from this happy time.

Ok. You don't want to TAKE AWAY from that. How can you ADD to your own comfort?

How to deal with all 3 of us in bed and feeling like there just snuggling but I'm over there alone ?

You know that neither group sex nor cosleeping is required in a triad, right? You all could have your own rooms. And maybe that ADDS to your comfort. (Do you even want to be in a triad where all are involved? Or prefer a V?)

He takes turns being in his own room, with you, with her. And then you don't to be there witnessing their NRE cuddles feeling like third wheel in your own bed. Or split time across homes to get enough separateness.

If this is new, you don't have a yardstick to comfort you like "He always gets crazy in NRE and then calms down in about 6 months." You are figuring it out as you go.

But you don't have to make it harder by doing uncomfortable stuff like cosleeping if you find that triggering right now.

And if you are doing stuff you really don't want to be doing because he threatened to dump you if you don't? Be honest with yourself that this is what you are doing. And that is not you taking good care of you.

Could let him go. A trial separation or break up is pain enough. Save yourself this extra bonus "bending into pretzels" pain.

Lastly how to deal with preventing my spouse from falling out of love with me when hes deep in NRE ?

Falling out of love? People feel what they feel. That cannot be helped.

Getting NRE obsessed and taking the established partner for granted? That you can talk about. Maybe read poly hell together and how to skip those pitfalls. Scheduling your own time alone, together in pairs, and some trio time. Not everything has to be all 3.

Do some detangling.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

Putting up with poor treatment? That's a conversation you have with yourself. Because you are the one who decides what you will and will not put up with.

I've been used to that for 15 years and then to kinda turn it off it's hard. I feel I'm being to hard about it or kinda crazy so dont know how to approach it just hope this is phase and will work it self out.

You are there. IS it crazy? Because there's a difference between growing pains and abuse.

Yes. You are going to feel loss. Even if the triad or V model is wanted? It's like you and husband broke up. And the "old normal" is gone. And the "new normal" is not here yet. And there's going to be a transition time. You don't have to "turn it off." You could simply experience it and weather it out as part of the changes. Try reasonable and rational adjustment to things so weathering it out is less hard on you.

Like...

If you are all living together and you don't have your own bedroom? You have to witness all this stuff all the time? That's rough. Where if you DID have your own bedrooms, you could retreat to yours or them to hers or his so there's not all this PDA all over the house common rooms all the time.

Does this home have enough bedrooms so you can stop cosleeping? Everyone have their own space? Or at least one room all can use as a "time out" space while seeking a more suitable home?

Any suggestions on how to approach talking about jitters without sounding nagging or negative?

Three prong approach -- you could air out some here.

You could seek a poly friendly counselor if you need extra support for yourself in this transition time.

You could ask husband and your GF (when you say triad I assume you are all romantically involved with each other) how each can bring up and communicate any transition issues without sounding nagging or negative. Cuz everyone has their own preferences.

You might consider non-violent communication.

https://www.cnvc.org/ has lots of stuff. Basic steps are here. And while there's many books, the one I liked best was this one.

What is it you actually NEED right now? Could print the need inventory and highlighter. Maybe that helps you better articulate when you request things from your partners.

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

Change is uncomfortable. It's supposed to be, because growth happens outside the comfort zone.
  • There's comfortable uncomfortable, like you are trying to jump a yard out from your zone.
  • And stretching uncomfortable like trying to jump out 5-6 ft out. Effort, but can get there with practice.
  • And there just plain crazy uncomfortable trying to jump a mile out rather than making a more realistic multi-step plan.
  • And then there's "no way this can work because it's abusive."
I don't know what you have on your hands over there.

Make sure you aren't bending over backwards accommodating everyone else and then you end up dinging or neglecting your own well being.

Or trying to make a kite that won't fly... fly anyway.

Tread with caution. And slow some of this down. That is what I suggest.

Galagirl
 
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Carmina

Member
I agree with Kevin - this isn't really about practicalities but fundamentals. It sounds like your husband is being very controlling to me, and that you are not really freely consenting but only based on emotional blackmail. This is not a situation conducive to your wellbeing and I'm really sorry you are going through this. Maybe he's being carried away by fantasies and NRE but he needs to recognise and value your needs too, at least he should if he cares about you and is a decent human being. I wonder how he would respond if the situation was reversed and you had another male lover you wanted to just move in on him?
 
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