Triad spiral after having an awesome threesome with my partner & meta

So! Two nights ago, I had the most wonderful evening with my partner of 6 months (M, 7 years older than me) and his partner (F, my age) of 10 years. It was the third time I'd hung out with her, mostly because we're all busy people. I recently realized that I'm in love with him and haven't communicated it, and I don't think it's mutual (yet) though I know he cares about me a lot. I fall really quickly for people, and we haven't spent a *ton* of time with each other. Lots of time the first couple of months, then about once a week for the last 4.

So two nights ago, we hung out for a bit, then started sex off by tying up and giving our hinge partner spanks for his birthday :) When I took off my clothes, my meta was like 'oh fuck', then we made out really intensely for a while. We explored so much, both of us domming him, both of them domming me, then me holding her while he played with her. Then he somehow managed to both fuck her and get me off with his fingers at the same time. I think we all finished at the exact same time. It was incredible lol.

After we had sex, we ate ice cream cake, then got high. At that point, it kinda felt like it turned into a date b/w me and my meta. My partner is pretty quiet, and both me and my meta are very chatty. It was uncharacteristically cold outside, and I/we went from cold -> college -> wish i knew i was gay in college -> socialization, fuck man -> rants about queer confusion and gender identity confusion -> me, wishing i could identify as autistic for my sexuality bc gender and sexuality are so confusing-> long tangents about autism and adhd and growing up -> it being natural that kids can understand so much if it's told to them bc their just given so much shit without a framework already and if we were just told as kids about gender / neurodiversity / sexuality, we wouldn't have to be so confused later on in life and spend so much time analyzing it all -> rant about how emotional incapable so many people are -> shared niche brother abandonment trauma -> trauma and how it informs our relationships -> processing emotions, therapy, value centered language -> me explaining my views on love as someone who is perpetually dating.

Eventually it slowed down and turned into aw look how cute our partner is and her talking about various idiosyncrasies he has. He started doing a bunch of lil silly things I hadn't seen him do before like sock sliding around. It was so freakin sweet and made me all heart eyes over him. And it was really sweet bc it was obvious (and he articulated it explicitly) that he felt really comfortable in the dynamic.

They both drove me home after. I texted him very briefly the next morning about enjoying it. I started spiraling a little over feeling left out over the next morning chats. I asked him to set a date to hang out with me again bc I was feeling a little lonely. I ended up texting her about sex stuff (we both felt it was really validating to our gayness, both being fairly inexperienced with women) and we had a good little convo going about sex.

I feel anxious still about it, and I'm hoping that it's just because I'm not busy yet with work. I also just got back from a vacation wiht another partner of mine in another country, came back to being alone for the first time in two weeks. [[he travels around the world and was in my city for 3 months, we met the last month and got really close really quickly. it's a very lowkey, dont' stay in touch much but when we've been together it's been amazing]]. It was like so much dopamine and closeness followed by nothing and a cold house. I cried a lot yesterday mostly because new years and it was a long, long year.

I think I'm anxious because I don't know where this is headed, and I don't know whats on the table. Very clearly, I just need to have a conversation with my partner where I ask about what his comfort level is on me engaging with his partner, if we could hang out one on one, if he is open to a sort of traid dynamic if it goes that way. My biggest fear is asking for more than what he wants- less so fear over more than what she wants, because I don't know her well enough to feel bad if she doesn't want to explore more with me (and I think she does, sexually at least, and idk we very clearly clicked intellectually/emotionally). He has three partners, one of whom I haven't met. And we had a check in maybe 2-3 months ago where I was really scared he was going to break up with me because he was busy. But he reassured me the biggest deescalation he could ever see with me was close friendship (which made me cry a lot, because I've had really traumatic breakups where I'll never get to talk to people I love again). But he said he wanted to hang out once a week or once every other week. I think my ideal would be to see both of them individually roughly once a week and both of them every other week or so.

He doesn't really initiate with me, but that's really normal for the way I relate to people. (I'm big on initiating and scheduling). I just feel super insecure right now specifically bc I don't know where he's at, and I don't know where they're at. I've questioned if I want to tell him that I love him, figure out how to phrase it in a way that doens't put pressure on him. I couldn't tell my partner who I just visited that I loved him because I coudlnt' figure out how to phrase it... In general, I struggle with communication in that I spend a lot of energy htinking about how to communicate my desires perfectly and strongly limit how much I think about reactions to it because I dont' want to anticipate a certain reaction. What happens is that I feel shocked when people do care about me. I'm so used to being rejected and not getting what I want that I get really anxious when things that I want seem to be happening and struggle to just let them happen.

I think I'm probably on a high still, and think once I get busy with school again I'll stop being so fixated on this. I'm stuck on if i want to find another partner too to deflect some of my attention onto. I don't want to overwhelm my partner. And I'm anxious that a triad dynamic, if it happened, would have its own host of insecurities that would be hard. My main thought is- ok next threesome, I can just ask to sleep on the couch maybe? for morning coffee? My partner is a really good communicator, and I feel so lucky to have him. I'm always the first to communicate bc I'm so hyper aware of my feelings and sensitive, but he's been really responsive and self reflective in turn.

I don't think it's too soon to ask about if a triad dynamic is even on the table. Right? I'm autistic (...and I think my partner is too, another thing htat I'm unsure how/if I should talk to him about) and having concrete frameworks to work within is really important to me.

But ... I think triad as soon as I meet a poly person who's coupled, and I like their partner. I've thought that a triad would be the perfect dynamic for me for years. Knowing that my partners are being taken care of by someone I trust when I'm too busy? Amazing! I'm nervous that my desires are clouding reality and forcing me to over anticipate. I think very fast, and if I entertain triad for even 1 second, my brain goes to oh what if I lived with them? I could have my own room and we'd occasionally have sleepovers, but i'd stay independent but close. I hate that my brain can't chill out. I hate that when I don't get to talk about things immediately, that I spiral into anticipation. This specific period of time is hard, and it was a really big night.

I'm finishing my phd in the next 8 months or so and deciding whether to apply for a teaching position at my school that I think I would get. Or if I should travel. I'm starting a business, and want steady income while I work on it. My brain roots into my relationships as anchoring parts of my life.

Does it seem reasonable that I'm overthinking this much? This is fairly typical for me.. but I'm nervous that it's a bad sign for a triad. :(
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing out some.

Keep in mind that all this emotion/thinking might be also magnified by some sub drop after your spanking scene/group sex thing for his birthday. Or maybe top drop since it sounded like everyone was switching around a lot. Whichever kind of drop, do consider if that's playing into this some.

Could give it like 3 days or however long you need to do your aftercare.

Then check in and have the conversations you want to have with these people.

  • Clarify if this was just a one time thing for birthday, a "special occasion only" thing like once or twice a year, if they are up for a V and you engaging with/dating his partner regularly, or up for seeing if this might be a natural triad or not. You can state what you are up for, and ask what they each might be up for and figure out what lines up or not. Triads are one of the hardest models because it's like 3 V's stacked up together. So best they develop naturally if they are going to.

  • Talk about your needs as an autistic person.
    • you sometimes struggle with communication
    • you are sometimes anxious
    • you struggle with some rejection sensitivity and struggle to let good things happen
    • you have a lot of school / job changes coming up, and your brain roots into relationships as a source of stability/anchoring points
  • Ask what he needs as an autistic person himself

  • If you are ready, tell him you love him.
This is all normal sounding -- 6 months of dating isn't very long. You are still getting to know each other. So carry on... have the talks you need to be having and enjoying how this relationship unfolds.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
I don't think it's too soon to ask about if a triad dynamic is even on the table. Right? I'm autistic (...and I think my partner is too, another thing htat I'm unsure how/if I should talk to him about) and having concrete frameworks to work within is really important to me.

A solid framework for what your expectations are is the best place to start. I would focus less on what they want, and more on what it is exactly that you want.

Do you understand your interest in a "triad" enough to clearly describe it to them? I would dig in to what exactly your expectations are:

  • How do you expect creating a triad to change your current dynamic?
  • What are your expectations of who spends time with whom? Will it be a problem if Partner (your male partner) wants to have 5 date nights a week with Meta (his female partner)?
  • Will it be a requirement that you and Meta have a romantic relationship? What would happen if the two of you decided you no longer wanted to be in a romantic relationship with each other but both wanted to be with Partner?
  • Is there an expectation that you would move in together, share finances, share tools/resources?
  • What happens if they decide they want to be in a triad with you, but they don't want you as a roommate?
  • What happens if he only wants to introduce Meta to his parents, and introduce you as "our roommate"?
  • What happens if they decide they want to have a baby, and they retain authority over how the child is raised?

Jumping in to a long term relationship is always a risky proposition. In my world, I err on the side of taking it slow. If I haven't known them for a year, we haven't shared a trying experience together, we haven't moved a couch up a curved staircase, and we haven't played a competitive board game together... I'm not even discussing getting encumbered with them. At these early stages we are still just getting to know each other and we can do that from our current vantage without adding new obstacles and twists.

My personal recommendation is for you to recognize that you've got infatuation burning right now, and making big decisions when you are like this is a bad idea. Cool your jets, be honest, and don't make decisions you can't un-make just as quickly and with just as much effort and heartache. There will be plenty of time for making long term commitments (if that's the sort of thing you are in to) a year from now.
 
I hope you feel better for airing out some.

Keep in mind that all this emotion/thinking might be also magnified by some sub drop after your spanking scene/group sex thing for his birthday. Or maybe top drop since it sounded like everyone was switching around a lot. Whichever kind of drop, do consider if that's playing into this some.

Could give it like 3 days or however long you need to do your aftercare.

Then check in and have the conversations you want to have with these people.

  • Clarify if this was just a one time thing for birthday, if they are up for a V and you engaging with his partner, or up for seeing if this might be a natural triad or not. You can state what you are up fort, and ask what they each might be up for and figure out what lines up or not. Triads are one of the hardest models because it's like 3 V's stacked up together. So best they develop naturally if they are going to.

  • Talk about your needs as an autistic person.
    • you sometimes struggle with communication
    • you are sometimes anxious
    • you struggle with some rejection sensitivity and struggle to let good things happen
    • you have a lot of school / job changes coming up, and your brain roots into relationships as a source of stability/anchoring points
  • Ask what he needs as an autistic person himself

  • If you are ready, tell him you love him.
This is all normal sounding -- 6 months of dating isn't very long. You are still getting to know each other. So carry on... have the talks you need to be having and enjoying how this relationship unfolds.

GL!
Galagirl
Thank you:) yes i definitely needed to air it out. I somehow still don't have poly friends irl.

It's definitely compounded by some sort of drop yeah, and a whole list of life anxieties that I'm working on now. Mostly I need a new best friend or another partner to get my needs met by.

It wasn't a one time thing for his birthday - we all agreed that it was something we enjoyed a lot and wanted to repeat. I guess I've learned from this that that isn't workable for me if that's the only context I spend time wiht the meta because it would feel weird and isolating to me I think.
 
A solid framework for what your expectations are is the best place to start. I would focus less on what they want, and more on what it is exactly that you want.
Thank you:)
Do you understand your interest in a "triad" enough to clearly describe it to them? I would dig in to what exactly your expectations are:

  • How do you expect creating a triad to change your current dynamic?
  • What are your expectations of who spends time with whom? Will it be a problem if Partner (your male partner) wants to have 5 date nights a week with Meta (his female partner)?
  • Will it be a requirement that you and Meta have a romantic relationship? What would happen if the two of you decided you no longer wanted to be in a romantic relationship with each other but both wanted to be with Partner?
  • Is there an expectation that you would move in together, share finances, share tools/resources?
  • What happens if they decide they want to be in a triad with you, but they don't want you as a roommate?
  • What happens if he only wants to introduce Meta to his parents, and introduce you as "our roommate"?
  • What happens if they decide they want to have a baby, and they retain authority over how the child is raised?
This is so helpful! Love me a framework! And I think it will be interesting to see how feelings on those things evolved as I spent time with them both more.

Jumping in to a long term relationship is always a risky proposition. In my world, I err on the side of taking it slow. If I haven't known them for a year, we haven't shared a trying experience together, we haven't moved a couch up a curved staircase, and we haven't played a competitive board game together... I'm not even discussing getting encumbered with them. At these early stages we are still just getting to know each other and we can do that from our current vantage without adding new obstacles and twists.

My personal recommendation is for you to recognize that you've got infatuation burning right now, and making big decisions when you are like this is a bad idea. Cool your jets, be honest, and don't make decisions you can't un-make just as quickly and with just as much effort and heartache. There will be plenty of time for making long term commitments (if that's the sort of thing you are in to) a year from now.
omg on your take on the shared experiences- I love it :) And I absolutely agree I'm still getting to know him. And yes I'm definitely infatuated and idealizing him and her.

And I guess I'm not viewing it as asking for a long term commitment. Someone on another forum said next step if I wanted to pursue this would be to see if dating her is on the table, which i think is what I'll do.

Right now, seems like the understanding is we'll keep doing group stuff but with indeterminate frequency.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi, I have added names for your partner and metamour. That makes things a bit clearer for me and other people reading your post. You can use other names, of course.


Two nights ago, I had the most wonderful evening with my partner of 6 months Matt, and his partner of 10 years, Fiona. It was the third time I'd hung out with Fiona. I'm in love with Matt, and haven't communicated it. We haven't spent a *ton* of time with each other. Lots of time the first couple of months, then about once a week for the last 4.

So two nights ago, we three hung out for a bit, then started sex off by tying up and giving Matt spanks for his birthday :)

Was this a thing all 3 of you planned ahead to do even though you'd only met Fiona 3 times? Maybe you didn't even feel attraction for her, but just both planned to pleasure Matt, and then grew attracted to each other as the night went on.

[sex, weed]


It turned into a date b/w me and Fiona. She and I are very chatty. <snip>
Great bonding conversation. It maybe got extra deep because of the sex endorphins and the weed.
Eventually it slowed down and turned into, "Aw, look how cute Matt is." And it was really sweet bc it was obvious (and he articulated it explicitly) that he felt really comfortable in the dynamic.
Threesome sex can be weird. It can seem great as it's happening, and then the next day or two, looking back, it can feel so much less great!!
I texted Matt the next morning. I started spiraling. I asked him to set a date to hang out with me again bc I was feeling a little lonely. I ended up texting Fiona about sex stuff. We both felt it was really validating to our gayness.
So, a night of threeway sex is one thing. Actually planning out to date 2 people (long term, you hope) who are already in a long term (10 years) relationship is a whole other ball of wax. They already have a couple dynamic and a dating schedule. Just as you and Matt already have your own couple dynamic and a dating schedule. Trying to now date both people is a totally different thing.
I feel anxious still about it, and I'm hoping that it's just because I'm not busy yet with work. I also just got back from a vacation with, another partner of mine, Kelly, in another country... It's very low key. We don't stay in touch much, but when we are together it's been amazing.

And this... you already have 2 partners, Matt and Kelly, and you possibly want to add Fiona. That's a lot of moving parts.
It was like so much dopamine and closeness followed by nothing and a cold house. I cried a lot yesterday.

I think I'm anxious because I don't know where this is headed, and I don't know what's on the table. Very clearly, I just need to have a conversation with Matt, where I ask about what his comfort level is on me engaging with Fiona, and ask if we could hang out one-on-one, if he is open to a sort of triad dynamic, if it goes that way.
Yes, you definitely need to have that initial talk. In fact, you could have had that talk before you all decided to have the birthday sex/kink/weed/cake celebration. Maybe Matt has a list of "messy people" he'd rather Fiona not date, and one of his current partners is on the list. (Think about what could happen if things went badly between you and Fiona after a time. Would you lose both of them?)

Matt has three partners.
He has you, Fiona and one other person, let's call them Cal. Matt is a busy guy.
I was really scared he was going to break up with me because he was busy. But Matt said he wanted to hang out once a week, or once every other week.

I think my ideal would be to see both of them individually, roughly once a week, and both of them every other week or so.
You want each of their entire attention once a week, one-on-one with each, and then all 3 of you twice a month. It remains to be seen if anyone really has time for that, and then time for their jobs, school, OSOs, platonic friends, hobbies, families who need their help, housework, car maintenance, travel, etc. etc. Love is infinite, but time and resources are not.
I just feel super insecure right now specifically bc I don't know where he and Fiona are at. I've questioned if I want to tell Matt that I love him...
You need a firm schedule, with both Matt and Fiona (and Kelly too?).

You're afraid to use the L word. I'd say you could talk about that, loving Matt, him loving you, before you add Fiona as a romantic partner after one hot sex session and one good stoned conversation and a few laughs.
In general, I struggle with communication.

I feel shocked when people care about me. I'm so used to being rejected and not getting what I want that I get really anxious when things that I want seem to be happening and struggle to just let them happen.
It can definitely be hard to find a person who cares about you, as you care about them. There are so many jerks out there (who just want to use us), or people that just don't "get" us. This can cause you to feel jaded and burnt out. So when that person comes along who seems to like you and want to be with you as much as you do in return, it can be hard to believe it's even happening. I get that completely.
I think I'm probably on a high still. I think once I get busy with school again I'll stop being so fixated on this. I'm stuck on whether I want to find another partner too, to deflect some of my attention onto.
Of course you're on a high after that intense sex night that turned out to be more than you anticipated (sexual/emotional feelings for Fiona). Adding one more person besides Matt and Fiona and Kelly? That might make you even more confused. Maybe just chill out and see how Matt feels about you dating Fiona, then go from there.
A triad dynamic would have its own host of insecurities.
I don't think it's too soon to ask about if a triad dynamic is even on the table. I'm autistic. I think Matt is too.

I think "triad" as soon as I meet a poly person who's coupled, and I like their partner... a triad would be the perfect dynamic... Knowing that my partners are being taken care of by someone I trust when I'm too busy? Amazing!
Here I see a bit of a red flag. I'm in a poly couple (2 women). Far too many of my ex partners saw us and though they could get with both of us. I've experienced trying to share a partner and it's never gone well. It's just far too complicated to have one person be your lover AND your metamour at the same time. You can date a guy and a woman who are NOT in a relationship with each other. The huge majority of poly people do NOT do triads.
I'm nervous that my desires are clouding reality and forcing me to over-anticipate. I think very fast, and if I entertain the idea of a triad for even 1 second, my brain goes to: "Oh, what if I lived with them?"
Yeah, living with someone is a huge decision. I firmly believe you should date someone for at least a year before you consider getting a place together. And just because you love Matt and like Fiona does not mean they'd want to open their home to you full time, even if they liked you a lot. Sometimes people who like each other do not make good roommates.
I hate that my brain can't chill out. I hate that when I don't get to talk about things immediately, I spiral into anticipation. This specific period of time is hard, and it was a really big night.
I hear it's upsetting to get too carried away with "what-ifs" after one good night. Sex hormones are powerful things. I don't pretend to understand autism, but you see it adds to the issue. And our culture leads us to believe we all have to strive for that "happily ever after" thing as soon as possible! But it's best to try to moderate your pink fluffy la la infatuation feelings and slow down a bit.
I'll be finishing my PhD in the next 8 months or so, and deciding whether to apply for a teaching position. Maybe I should travel. I'm starting a business.
So you're busy and you might be traveling. There's no space in there for balancing a triad, it seems to me.
My brain roots into my relationships as anchoring parts of my life.

Does it seem reasonable that I'm overthinking this much? This is fairly typical for me, but I'm nervous that it's a bad sign for a triad. :(
It's OK to be cautious and think with your head and not just your genitals. You were maybe rash to have a sex threesome with Fiona. You could decide not to base your entire future on one good sex session and one good conversation.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I guess I've learned from this that that isn't workable for me if that's the only context I spend time wiht the meta because it would feel weird and isolating to me I think.

So you are not up for that.

Right now, seems like the understanding is we'll keep doing group stuff but with indeterminate frequency.

Well, sinne you like firm clarity, could confirm this. Rather than "seems like."

Each one of you could circle what you can deal with at this time. Then see what lines up or not.

YOU
  • Dating in a V model -- he is the hinge. This is where it was. But go back to no more group sex. It was a one time thing.
  • Dating in a V model -- he is the hinge. NOT a one time thing. More like up for "Special occasions" group sex
  • Dating in a triad model -- you are all involved with each other romantically and sexually
  • Dating more new people at this time.
HIM
  • Dating in a V model -- he is the hinge. This is where it was. But go back to no more group sex. It was a one time thing.
  • Dating in a V model -- he is the hinge. NOT a one time thing. More like up for "Special occasions" group sex
  • Dating in a triad model -- you are all involved with each other romantically and sexually
  • Dating more new people at this time.

HER
  • Dating in a V model -- he is the hinge. This is where it was. But go back to no more group sex. It was a one time thing.
  • Dating in a V model -- he is the hinge. NOT a one time thing. More like up for "Special occasions" group sex
  • Dating in a triad model -- you are all involved with each other romantically and sexually
  • Dating more new people at this time.
It's ok to daydream and take flights of fancy.

But in reality? Go slow.

Like don't actually move in with them. You have too many changes coming up soon.

I'm finishing my phd in the next 8 months or so and deciding whether to apply for a teaching position at my school that I think I would get. Or if I should travel. I'm starting a business, and want steady income while I work on it. My brain roots into my relationships as anchoring parts of my life.

To deal with all that and ALSO deal maybe moving in and the changed relationship dynamic that stems from that? (When you like your relationship to be stable/anchor points?) What will be left to be your "stable thing" when all these others areas are in flux?

It would really suck to break up and having to move back out again or worse... be stuck living with exes because you can't afford to move out right away.

Have your own place. Sleep over lots if that's what you like. But have your own place for a while so you can have breaks, an oasis, your own space. Maybe that can be an anchor point /stable thing while you graduate, travel, find job, start business, explore relationships, etc. Like no matter what else is going on, your home nest is your home nest. Arranged just the way you like it.

NRE lasts 6-24 months. Wait it out before making big decisions about cohabitation.

Galagirl
 
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On moving in, I was talking about the extent to which my brain spirals out in happy mode. I would never ever move in with them preemptively!! I identify as solo poly and really need a lot of independence to function well. All of my relationships are pretty orbit-y, like I almost never spend more than a day and at MOST 2 days a week with a partner. Sometimes my brain, when it experiences happiness, likes to ruin it by playing 'what about a year from now??' My other partner Max is abroad, and we don't dedicate a lot of time to staying in contact. It's a really nice comet-style relationship. Lol, I also have a comet cuddle-buddy who I spend time with when he isn't in a monogamous relationship, and a brain twin in another city who I keep in touch with over text infrequently. I have romantic friendships as well. I'm basically just very entangled in general but very emotionally aware and good at compartmentalizing so it doesn't bother me except when I'm not taking care of myself (going back to work was hard+ was sick).

I asked Matt his comfort level on me engaging w/ Fiona, and he said he couldn't think about anything that would make him uncomfortable there. And that he thought it was cute that we were texting. And that he didn't' think there was anything we'd talk about that would bother him. I think Matt is the best communicator I've dated, and despite me saying I have issues w/ communication, I'm an excellent communicator (I just have to deal w/ a lot of anxiety leading up to communicating). I assume Fiona is too if they've been happily together 10 years.

Ahead of the threesome, I thought Fiona was really hot and got really good vibes from her the times we hung out. So I was looking forward to it because of that, and because of liking threesomes in general and having a really awesome sexually explorative relationship w/ Matt. We all expressed great enjoyment about the group hang and group sex. I joked at the end of the night that it only happened because it was his birthday lol, but that absolutely was not the case. Was more by chance it happened in on his birthday.

I went ahead and asked out Fiona (after talking to Matt), and she said yes :) I think it'll be a slow go thing where we become friends who have sex and watch how it develops. My attraction to women is mostly extreme emotional intellectual connection coupled with intense sexual attraction. I have a harder time identifying romantic attraction with women, but I don't really understand romantic attraction in general besides "this moment is a romantic one".

I actually think it will all be very chill! I should have stated my main draw for 'triad' dynamics is gushing over my partner with people who also like my partner. Fiona texted me some videos of Matt she'd collected for his birthday, and it made me so poly happy ha :)

-- in general, I think I spiraled so hard because it was the biggest thing on my brain, but the anxiety was way more about my Ph.D.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi perpetually.concerned,

I could be wrong, but it seems to me like things are going really well with you and these two people, so far. My advice would be to move forward with them, slowly but steadily. This would mean doing more dates/activities with them (both one on one and with both of them as a pair), and having talks with them about where the three of you together would like this relationship to go. Not big huge talks all at once, just short talks at first, five to ten minutes at a time. You seem to be spiraling into a bit of overthinking about the situation, and you don't want to drown/overwhelm them with all of your thoughts at once.

You've only been dating him for six months, and her only for a few days, so it's still early in this relationship, especially if we're talking about a budding triad. Give the triad some time to bud, don't expect it to happen overnight. And be open to positive outcomes that you didn't anticipate. For example, you could end up with a V, where you're only involved with one of them, maybe close friends with the other. Or you could end up as friends (maybe close friends) with both. These are not terrible outcomes, they just differ perhaps from what you were hoping for or had anticipated.

Of course it's always possible that a relationship could crash and burn, and maybe you are trying to imagine all the ways that that could happen, so that you'll be prepared. But by being prepared for all the bad things that could happen in the future, you might be depriving yourself of enjoying what you have right now. Love is always a risk. You have to accept that risk if you want to enjoy it. From where I sit, this seems like a risk worth taking. So be present in the here and now, even if things go badly in the future, you will still have fond memories of what was. And you might gain valuable learning from the experience.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
On moving in, I was talking about the extent to which my brain spirals out in happy mode. I would never ever move in with them preemptively!!

Thanks for more clarification.

It sounds like you are coming out of the "spiral thing" and doing better now that you got a chance to actually talk to both Mark and Fiona.

I hope you enjoy how this budding triad unfolds. Take your time and don't rush. That's my suggestion.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Thank you all for your kind responses! :) I'm hanging out with both of them individually this week. Gonna stay present and have fun and enjoy getting to know them.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thank you all for your kind responses! :) I'm hanging out with both of them individually this week. Gonna stay present and have fun and enjoy getting to know them.
Keep us updated!

I am surprised GalaGirl didn't mention part of her usual advice. (Or maybe she did upthread and I forgot.) She recommends talking to people about how you would handle a break-up, early on. What if there was a conflict somehow in the triad? (It could be any number of things.) As Kevin said, you may want to continue as a V (go back to a V where Matt is the hinge-- or maybe you'd end up with Fiona as the hinge.) Or maybe you'd just eventually end up as platonic friends with both. Or maybe if you move away, this would all turn into a permanent long distance cyber-relationship with no touching. Or maybe Matt and Fiona break up, yet you want to continue with both of them sexually/romantically.

I don't mean to give you more spiral fuel, but again I just want to warn you that triads have a way of going awry. It's extremely common for them to mess up spectacularly with heartbreak and resentment on all sides. That's just facts.
 
Yes that's great advice! I'll definitely talk to them about that maybe in a few weeks if it seems like it's heading in the direction that I think it is.

I hung out with Matt for the first time since the threesome and asking Fiona to hang out just now. I confirmed something that I thought was real during the threesome but was like 'there's no way...'::

Matt managed to be both fucking Fiona and fingering me SIMULTANEOUSLY, while I held and was making out with Fiona, and WE ALL CAME AT THE SAME TIME. Matt had a similar sense of disbelief about it as me 😂. We're all very excited to keep having group sex.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Damn, that was quite a threesome. I do hope there'll be more of those!
 
Update! I hung out w/ Fiona last night. I was really wonderful. Mark is a fairly private person, like doesn't offer up information readily & maybe goes a little overboard on not sharing to respect other people's privacy. Which (post history, kinda ex where I was in a no-boundaries terrible dynamic) has been really healing for me, but I've pushed him a little on being more open about enjoyment w/ other partners bc it makes me happy. He's been more open about his relationship wtih Fiona over the last few months- sharing happy things- and it's made me feel closer to him. Mark is also generally a quieter person.

Fiona is OPPOSITE like so much like me where she's down to get into the most intimate detail of things. We talked about so many things in a short amount of time, all of it feeling really good and just like normal close connection vibes. A couple of years ago, I had hooked up with their close friend & housemate at the time. I didn't know the connection before I went out with Mark, and found out the first time he came to my house and told me he'd been there before for parties, then we found our social overlaps (of which there have been many to the point where I'm kinda pissed i didnt' meet him and Fiona earlier). But, I've felt weird a bit talking to Mark about it bc I haven't wanted him to feel like I was using him to process that expereince I guess? He's a pretty non-reactive listener, so it's easy to project reactions onto him in anxious situations (but in general he's sososososo easy to talk to / a great listener / one of the parterns I've felt the most comfortable with / supported me through really dark times with my breakup this summer where I felt crazy). But Fiona and I got INTO it, and it was so incredibly validating and everything I want out of poly/human connection broadly.

I had gone on two dates with their friend - Jared - and became immediately infatuated w/ him bc he's this really specific type of awkward that makes me feel immediately comfortable being my favorite version of myself. It was bad timing for him & ended in a way where I tried way too hard to be his friend and didn't get that he was flat out rejecting me bc I'm bad at reading anything other than 'i no longer want to interact with you at all, please dont' talk to me' as a rejection, so I had some weird 'i'm creepy' feelings about Jared after. But I got to express that and all my affection towards Jared to Fiona, and she was so validating and shared her feeling about Jared w/ me. It was really weird to learn that Jared and Fiona had talked about me, positively.

ALSO! And VERY big <3poly feelings to me: Fiona shared a bit more w/ me than Mark had about what a dramatic positive turn their sex life has taken since Mark met me. It made me want to cry bc I guess me opening up Mark to kink has had a really transformative effect on his life that's been super validating for him emotionally. Fiona was out of town for 3 months when Mark and I started seeing each other, and over the last year had realized she was interested in women and started dating a woman, and I guess towards her leaving for the 3 months had told Mark that she thought she was a lesbian. Mark was apparently really nervous to 'come out' to Fiona about being kinky - they've been together 10 years, and I guess hadn't explored kink at all really? And Fiona was nervous she wasn't kinky and that it would possibly become a rift in their connection. But when she came back, they started exploring kink with Fiona being dominant, and it's been a complete transformation for her sexually! And for Mark too. I guess Mark felt really undesirable for a while, and Fiona was questioning if she was even interested sexually in men. But it was just that Fiona is dominant and didn't realize it 😭 and now they're soooo all over each other ♥️. Like renting hotel rooms, doing molly and exploring, having a ton of sex while their housemates have been out of town. Mark is a 'hobbyist' and has been crafting all sorts of bondage things and toys and theyv'e been experimenting withthem. When I slept with them this weekend, I defintely just assumed this was something that had been a part of their lives for a while because Fiona was such a natural. And my sex with Mark has been fucking incredible the whole time, very switchy and full commitment/presence the whole time. Fiona expressed something that melted my heart about how much exploring bondage as a dominant has made her feel so in love. And said she felt really grateful that Mark met me because of what it had brought to their life.

And like, I just can't think of anything that's more poly happy than that!!!! Tha'ts what it should be!!!!!

It's such an amazing contrast/ continuation of what I had with my super kinky (Paul) ex who I was super in love with. Bc his wife was NOT poly and was very much seeing herself as in competition with me ( i didn't realize how fucked up it was at the time, my first time being with someone who was coupled seriously). I explored so much bondage with Paul. I had explored kink before him, but it was the first relationship where bondage and little space took a really major role in my life/ life with someone else. And it made me fall so deeply in love with him. I have no idea what we explored was new for him and what were things he had already explored with his wife, which doesn't matter and I wasn't curious about at the time, but in retrospect i just.. have no idea how much I meant to him, because he meant & means the world to me. I think regardless of what was 'new' for him objectively (caregiver/little dynamics, forced affection (him being in bondage and me kissing him all over / him being unable to move or see and me using him as my stuffed animal to cuddle with), us co-bottoming with a dominatrix ...), it was inherently new between us because all connections are unique. It made kink become a huge, essential part of my life. Though I've been hesitant around seeking it out in the same way since him because I associate it with him so much and miss him so much. He was my teddy bear<3. He knew kink was an essential part of his life since age like 8- he would put himself in bondage and hide it from his parents from a really young age. And dated a bunch of vanilla partners who made him feel really ashamed of it and selfish. He met his wife on a bdsm thread of omegle and it was the first relationship he got to be a sub for someone, and it was her first relationship ever(never had sex before). I think BDSM turned into a weird thing for them bc she was also into vanilla sex but he didn't want that at all, and she grew to resent it and his kinks. IT was sad bc she clearly felt unhappy with certain lacking of her needs being met in their relationship that she coudln't acknoweldge bc of her ideas of 'soul mates'. But that resulted in Paul once again feeling selfish for being a submissive bottom.

I spent a lot of time in that relationship affirming Paul and letting him know how much him opening the door to that dynamic for me had meant to me. And I wish Paul knew that it was changing other peoples lives to, through me. Paul was really secretive about his kink identity before me, but started opening up a bit to his friends while we were dating. I hope he doesn't stop and let kink stay somethign he mostly tries to hide because I think he could be such an empowering figure for so mnay people beyond me. He was rich and wanted to build a whole compelx for kink/bondage to start a play scene in our city. I haven't seen evidence of it existing yet, and I feel so concerned that things I said in anger at the end of our relationship about him not being a safe person to exist in community with because of his poor communication skills put him back in a closet. He told me not to contact him anymore, and I'm struggling so hard to keep myself from writing him telling him what a positive impact he's had on my life and other's through me. It fucking sucks to date someone in a relationship you believe is abusive. It was so hard and remains so confusing.

Also, it's so wild to me how people feel so impacted by me. I feel like all I do is talk about my experiences openly without a sense of shame about transgressing social norms because I'm autistic and without thinking before I talk bc I have adhd and am impulsive. I know it's also because I think deeply about things and articulate things well / explain what the emotional appeal is of things in a way that helps people understand their own experiences. But it's just so wild how repressed so many people are on sexuality when it's such a core part of who we are as humans. I've been spending a lot of time on reddit lately arguing with people who are anti kink and anti poly and anti sex work about the merits of those things. After spending about a year posting aggressively on instagram about my experiences (had my handle on my feeld profile and was accepting anyone, so i developed an odd audience of mostly men all over the world who would talk to me about their sex lives & I would validate them in a way that felt really powerful and important). Reddit is a dark place lol. Sex shame is such a horrible control tactic over human nature. I think of and use sex in a very autistic way of like 'this is a shortcut to deep connection & cuts through all the bullshit'. It's nice to have finally committed to poly and sex positivity and as a result connecting with people who are actually open to what I seek instead of continuing what I was doing before and welcoming monogamous people into my world and heart and getting burned and reacted to as if I was clingy and asking for too much. Online connections are so much safer lol.

Ramble ramble, had a lot of thoughts last night/this morning. I really appreciate this place on the internet as a place to ramble ramble and be received well <3 <3 <3 <3. I haven't spent a lot of time here, but I love all of you. <<crossposting to the blog thing I started this summer>>
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Man, I can't believe how opposite Mark and Fiona are, when it comes to sharing details. Almost like it would be jarring to switch from hanging out with one, to hanging out with the other. And I can't believe how long it took til you met Mark and Fiona, what with all the social overlaps you had! Sheesh.

Thanks for sharing that update, you seem to have a lot of interesting things going on.
 
It actually makes so much sense to me! Mark is pretty quiet, and I'm really chatty. It's the same with Mark and Fiona I think. If I ask him questions, he opens up, but it's more a like Fiona and I infodump veryyyy readily whereas Mark is a lot more careful about his words.

They literally came to a party at my house while I lived here!!!! :mad:
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Jeezh, that's a hell of an overlap, for you and them not to have met at the time!
 
Yup :/ it was a big party though, and I'm pretty introverted, and he's pretty introverted. There was a dance floor, so I just danced and didn't talk to anyone but my best friends that night 😅
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I guess that's understandable.
 
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