perpetually.concerned
New member
Two nights ago, I had the most wonderful evening with my partner of six months (M, who is seven years older than me) and his partner (F, my age) of ten years. It was the third time I'd hung out with her, mostly because we're all busy people. I recently realized that I'm in love with him and haven't communicated it, and I don't think it's mutual (yet), though I know he cares about me a lot. I fall really quickly for people, and we haven't spent a *ton* of time with each other; lots of time the first couple of months, then about once a week for the last four months.
Two nights ago, we all hung out for a bit, then my meta and I started sex off by tying up and giving our hinge partner spanks for his birthday. When I took off my clothes, my meta was like "Oh fuck," and we made out really intensely for a while. We explored so much, both of us domming him, both of them domming me, then me holding her while he played with her. Then he somehow managed to both fuck her and get me off with his fingers at the same time. I think we all finished at the exact same time. It was incredible lol.
After we had sex, we ate ice cream cake, then got high. At that point, it kinda felt like it turned into a date for my meta and me. My partner is pretty quiet, and both my meta and I are very chatty. It was uncharacteristically cold outside, and I/we went from talking about the cold -> college -> wish i knew i was gay in college -> socialization, fuck man -> rants about queer confusion and gender identity confusion -> me, wishing i could identify as autistic for my sexuality bc gender and sexuality are so confusing-> long tangents about autism and adhd and growing up -> it being natural that kids can understand so much if it's told to them because they're just given so much shit without a framework already and if we were just told as kids about gender/neurodiversity/sexuality, we wouldn't have to be so confused later on in life and spend so much time analyzing it all -> rant about how emotionally incapable so many people are -> shared niche brother abandonment trauma -> trauma and how it informs our relationships -> processing emotions, therapy, value-centered language -> me explaining my views on love as someone who is perpetually dating.
Eventually it slowed down and turned into, "Aw, look how cute our partner is," and her talking about various idiosyncrasies he has. He started doing a bunch of lil silly things I hadn't seen him do before, like sock sliding around. It was so freakin sweet and made me all heart-eyes over him. And it was really sweet because it was obvious (and he articulated it explicitly) that he felt really comfortable in the dynamic.
They both drove me home after. I texted him very briefly the next morning about enjoying it. I started spiraling a little over feeling left out over the next morning's chats. I asked him to set a date to hang out with me again because I was feeling a little lonely. I ended up texting her about sex stuff (we both felt it was really validating to our gayness, both being fairly inexperienced with women) and we had a good little convo going about sex.
I still feel anxious about it. I'm hoping that it's just because I'm not busy yet with work.
I also just got back from a vacation with another partner of mine in another country. I came back to being alone for the first time in two weeks. (He travels around the world and was in my city for three months. We met the last month and got really close really quickly. It's very low-key. We don't stay in touch much, but when we're together it's been amazing.) It was like so much dopamine and closeness followed by nothing and a cold house. I cried a lot yesterday, mostly because it was new years and it had been a long, long year.
I think I'm anxious because I don't know where this is headed. I don't know what's on the table. Very clearly, I just need to have a conversation with my partner, where I ask about what his comfort level is with me engaging with his partner. I should ask him if we could hang out-on-one. I should ask if he would be open to a sort of triad dynamic, if it goes that way.
My biggest fear is asking for more than what he wants. There's less fear about what she wants, because I don't know her well enough to feel bad if she doesn't want to explore with me, sexually. (I think she does. We very clearly clicked intellectually/emotionally.)
He has three partners, one of whom I haven't met.
We had a check-in, 2-3 months ago. I was really scared he was going to break up with me because he was busy. But he reassured me that the biggest de-escalation he could ever see with me was close friendship. (This made me cry a lot, because I've had really traumatic breakups where I'll never get to talk to people I love again.) But he said he wanted to hang out once a week or once every other week.
I think my ideal would be to see both of them individually roughly once a week, and both of them every other week or so.
He doesn't really initiate with me, but that's really normal for the way I relate to people. (I'm big on initiating and scheduling.) I just feel super insecure right now, specifically because I don't know where he's at, and I don't know where they're at.
I've questioned if I want to tell him that I love him. I want to figure out how to phrase it in a way that doesn't put pressure on him. (I couldn't tell my other partner who I just visited that I loved him because I couldn't figure out how to phrase it.)
In general, I struggle with communication. I spend a lot of energy thinking about how to communicate my desires perfectly. I strongly limit how much I think about reactions to it because I don't want to anticipate a certain reaction. I feel shocked when people do care about me. I'm so used to being rejected and not getting what I want that I get really anxious when things I want seem to be happening. I struggle to just let them happen.
I think I'm probably on a high still. I think once I get busy with school again I'll stop being so fixated on this. I'm stuck on if i want to find another partner too, to deflect some of my attention onto. I don't want to overwhelm my partner. And I'm anxious that a triad dynamic, if it happened, would have its own host of insecurities that would be hard. My main thought is: okay, next threesome, can I just ask to sleep on the couch? Have morning coffee?
My partner is a really good communicator. I feel so lucky to have him. I'm always the first to communicate because I'm so hyper-aware of my feelings and sensitive, but he's been really responsive and self-reflective in turn.
I don't think it's too soon to ask if a triad dynamic is even on the table. Right?
I'm autistic. (I think my partner is too. That's another thing I'm unsure how/if I should talk to him about.) Having concrete frameworks to work within is really important to me.
But, I think about a triad as soon as I meet a poly person who's coupled, and I like their partner. I've thought that a triad would be the perfect dynamic for me for years. Knowing that my partners are being taken care of by someone I trust when I'm too busy? Amazing!
I'm nervous that my desires are clouding reality and forcing me to over-anticipate. I think very fast, and if I entertain a triad for even one second, my brain goes to: "Oh, what if I lived with them? I could have my own room and we'd occasionally have sleepovers, but I'd stay independent but close."
I hate that my brain can't chill out. I hate that when I don't get to talk about things immediately, I spiral into anticipation. This specific period of time is hard, and it was a really big night.
I'll be finishing my PhD in the next 8 months or so and deciding whether I should apply for a teaching position at my school that I think I would get, or if I should travel. I'm starting a business, and want steady income while I work on it. My brain roots into my relationships as anchoring parts of my life.
Does it seem reasonable that I'm overthinking this much? This is fairly typical for me.. but I'm nervous that it's a bad sign for a triad.
Two nights ago, we all hung out for a bit, then my meta and I started sex off by tying up and giving our hinge partner spanks for his birthday. When I took off my clothes, my meta was like "Oh fuck," and we made out really intensely for a while. We explored so much, both of us domming him, both of them domming me, then me holding her while he played with her. Then he somehow managed to both fuck her and get me off with his fingers at the same time. I think we all finished at the exact same time. It was incredible lol.
After we had sex, we ate ice cream cake, then got high. At that point, it kinda felt like it turned into a date for my meta and me. My partner is pretty quiet, and both my meta and I are very chatty. It was uncharacteristically cold outside, and I/we went from talking about the cold -> college -> wish i knew i was gay in college -> socialization, fuck man -> rants about queer confusion and gender identity confusion -> me, wishing i could identify as autistic for my sexuality bc gender and sexuality are so confusing-> long tangents about autism and adhd and growing up -> it being natural that kids can understand so much if it's told to them because they're just given so much shit without a framework already and if we were just told as kids about gender/neurodiversity/sexuality, we wouldn't have to be so confused later on in life and spend so much time analyzing it all -> rant about how emotionally incapable so many people are -> shared niche brother abandonment trauma -> trauma and how it informs our relationships -> processing emotions, therapy, value-centered language -> me explaining my views on love as someone who is perpetually dating.
Eventually it slowed down and turned into, "Aw, look how cute our partner is," and her talking about various idiosyncrasies he has. He started doing a bunch of lil silly things I hadn't seen him do before, like sock sliding around. It was so freakin sweet and made me all heart-eyes over him. And it was really sweet because it was obvious (and he articulated it explicitly) that he felt really comfortable in the dynamic.
They both drove me home after. I texted him very briefly the next morning about enjoying it. I started spiraling a little over feeling left out over the next morning's chats. I asked him to set a date to hang out with me again because I was feeling a little lonely. I ended up texting her about sex stuff (we both felt it was really validating to our gayness, both being fairly inexperienced with women) and we had a good little convo going about sex.
I still feel anxious about it. I'm hoping that it's just because I'm not busy yet with work.
I also just got back from a vacation with another partner of mine in another country. I came back to being alone for the first time in two weeks. (He travels around the world and was in my city for three months. We met the last month and got really close really quickly. It's very low-key. We don't stay in touch much, but when we're together it's been amazing.) It was like so much dopamine and closeness followed by nothing and a cold house. I cried a lot yesterday, mostly because it was new years and it had been a long, long year.
I think I'm anxious because I don't know where this is headed. I don't know what's on the table. Very clearly, I just need to have a conversation with my partner, where I ask about what his comfort level is with me engaging with his partner. I should ask him if we could hang out-on-one. I should ask if he would be open to a sort of triad dynamic, if it goes that way.
My biggest fear is asking for more than what he wants. There's less fear about what she wants, because I don't know her well enough to feel bad if she doesn't want to explore with me, sexually. (I think she does. We very clearly clicked intellectually/emotionally.)
He has three partners, one of whom I haven't met.
We had a check-in, 2-3 months ago. I was really scared he was going to break up with me because he was busy. But he reassured me that the biggest de-escalation he could ever see with me was close friendship. (This made me cry a lot, because I've had really traumatic breakups where I'll never get to talk to people I love again.) But he said he wanted to hang out once a week or once every other week.
I think my ideal would be to see both of them individually roughly once a week, and both of them every other week or so.
He doesn't really initiate with me, but that's really normal for the way I relate to people. (I'm big on initiating and scheduling.) I just feel super insecure right now, specifically because I don't know where he's at, and I don't know where they're at.
I've questioned if I want to tell him that I love him. I want to figure out how to phrase it in a way that doesn't put pressure on him. (I couldn't tell my other partner who I just visited that I loved him because I couldn't figure out how to phrase it.)
In general, I struggle with communication. I spend a lot of energy thinking about how to communicate my desires perfectly. I strongly limit how much I think about reactions to it because I don't want to anticipate a certain reaction. I feel shocked when people do care about me. I'm so used to being rejected and not getting what I want that I get really anxious when things I want seem to be happening. I struggle to just let them happen.
I think I'm probably on a high still. I think once I get busy with school again I'll stop being so fixated on this. I'm stuck on if i want to find another partner too, to deflect some of my attention onto. I don't want to overwhelm my partner. And I'm anxious that a triad dynamic, if it happened, would have its own host of insecurities that would be hard. My main thought is: okay, next threesome, can I just ask to sleep on the couch? Have morning coffee?
My partner is a really good communicator. I feel so lucky to have him. I'm always the first to communicate because I'm so hyper-aware of my feelings and sensitive, but he's been really responsive and self-reflective in turn.
I don't think it's too soon to ask if a triad dynamic is even on the table. Right?
I'm autistic. (I think my partner is too. That's another thing I'm unsure how/if I should talk to him about.) Having concrete frameworks to work within is really important to me.
But, I think about a triad as soon as I meet a poly person who's coupled, and I like their partner. I've thought that a triad would be the perfect dynamic for me for years. Knowing that my partners are being taken care of by someone I trust when I'm too busy? Amazing!
I'm nervous that my desires are clouding reality and forcing me to over-anticipate. I think very fast, and if I entertain a triad for even one second, my brain goes to: "Oh, what if I lived with them? I could have my own room and we'd occasionally have sleepovers, but I'd stay independent but close."
I hate that my brain can't chill out. I hate that when I don't get to talk about things immediately, I spiral into anticipation. This specific period of time is hard, and it was a really big night.
I'll be finishing my PhD in the next 8 months or so and deciding whether I should apply for a teaching position at my school that I think I would get, or if I should travel. I'm starting a business, and want steady income while I work on it. My brain roots into my relationships as anchoring parts of my life.
Does it seem reasonable that I'm overthinking this much? This is fairly typical for me.. but I'm nervous that it's a bad sign for a triad.