Tried hard to make thir first time special

LuvNWonder

New member
Not really a question here, just a description. I'm highly emotional most of the time, a real artist type, and to have a group of like-minded folks to share with is a bit overwhelming.

I doubt I can adequately describe how I felt and what I did the day my wife was alone with her bf in bed for the first time. I want to try, just in case anyone else is facing something similar.
I'm the poly one of us, by nature, and I've wrestled constantly for years over how right or wrong it might be for me to *want* her to understand and experience the wonder. I've focused so heavily on trying to make this right for her I've actually neglected how much all of this means to me (but that's another thread some time). For the first time since deciding we want to open our lives to shared loving relationships with others she had met and communicated with a guy.
A local guy in our very small town, which in itself causes so much anxiety. I have literally experienced the "moral support" from people with to much time on their hands who through the grapevine are aware she has gone to lunch with this guy several times. Sigh. Anyway.
We had met, all three of us after she assured me he was a great guy and she trusted him. I liked him immediately and was overwhelmed with his caring and supportive interaction with my wife. We spent enough time together to know that it was appropriate that they take their relationship further. I live away so it was agreed to wait until I could be in town again for moral support. I may be the poly one. I may live a thoroughly self examined life and understand my emotions very well, but I had butterflies l
ike you wouldn't believe. I know it was as bad for her at least to start, and him too.
I arrived home the night before and had a fantastically passionate night with my wife. We talked about trepidations and how she'd have speed dial ready to go if she needed me, what was my plan while they were home alone, etc.
The next morning I washed the sheets, made the bed, cleaned our room and neatened the rest of the house. The butterflies were building but I was so sure this was right for them. They were wonderful together. They seemed so natural and comfortable and it was, well, sweet. I loved seeing them together and I was developing quite a crush on the guy myself.
I bought them a bottle of wine, laid out a tray with the chilled wine and glasses, added lube and condoms (this was the point after all), but away the lube and condoms (no, we'd agreed it wasn't the point, just a potential outcome if they both felt it was right). Then I put them back (better safe and prepared, oh I hope it's right for them). I made things as nice as I could for them because I wanted it to be special.
...
I was scheduled to be gone for two hours on a daddy/daughter date and we did the town, she and I. Shopping, ice cream, book store, and I am so very greatful that I had such a powerful and important distraction because the butterflies were a swirling maelstrom by now. Finally when the two hours was up I sent a text saying I would be another hour.
I wasn't ready to go home.
I started journaling, fast and hard. Livejournal, my iPhone notepad, taking notes to try to analyze my trepidations. I finally grouped all of my worries as follows, please try not to laugh:
1) it will be unpleasant for her- despite our attempts to get to know him I worried he would be rude, insensitive, forceful or demanding. He might not listen if she says "no".
Solution: we'd covered that. The phone was ready, we trusted him, we knew where he worked. I am big enough and in a rage could beat the crap out of him.
2) she will love him more than me and I'll lose her.
Solution: oh c'mon. Almost 22 years of marriage? She could have found endless numbers of better options by now. I'm stuck with her.
Also. Being open to more love is kind of the point.
Also. What mature woman falls in love after a first, somewhat stressful attempt at lovemaking?
3). This guy has a freakishly long member and I'll feel inadequate or even worse she'll feel I'm inadequate.
Solution: oh wow. What are we in 12th grade again? Yeah he's longer than me (got intimate proof of that) but I'm nothing to sneeze at and the differences are part of what is so wonderfully about all of this anyway- and I mean all of the differences, not just the physical. I hope she enjoys herself until she's crosseyed, dammit!
4) some poorly defined quality of *the unknown* that just scares me
solution: got none. Unknown still just...scares me.

So that's how I dealt with the event. A few minutes after I finished writing I sent a text saying "coming home...slowly" and she sent one back "all done".

Now what the heck does that mean?

Hugged when we got home, kissed her and knew.
Couldn't talk for a while, the carcasses of that horde of butterflies wasn't sitting to well. I went downstairs to clean up the wine bottle, drank a glass myself, quickly, and confirmed all the condoms were used.
Daaaamn girl!
We talked, I asked if he'd been appropriate when he should have been and inappropriate when called for and she said yes and snuggled me. I kept going over my numbered list and the solutions, and reversing the positions (what if it had been me with a girlfriend, etc). I did this for a week as the butterflies faded. We made love again that night and it was so special...hard to explain.

As she's spent time with him since, mostly lunch dates and I'm only left with how cool they are together. We communicate better than ever, she and I.
I love her dearly, and I am so glad she can see how amazing this is.

All for now. I welcome any comments, questions, etc. on this long ramble.

Brian
 
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JonnyAce

New member
wow! it's really amazing that you are so open, and willing to share your experiences with all of us. i'm so glad you and your wife have been able to move forward with being poly, and that things seem to be working out well.

i for one and grateful for this post, as while i've been poly minded for a long time, i'm in my 1st poly relationship, and i have no doubt that when the time comes i will be looking back at this post, b'c while i'm not sure, i think i might have similar thoughts going through my head. (sorry for the tangent)
 

LuvNWonder

New member
Please share your thoughts JonnyAce.
I'm finding that expression of these things has been so much better than letting them just swirl around in my head.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Youve been incredibly generous and loving.
 

River

Active member
Loved reading that initial post! Honest, vulnerable, truthful, human.... Very nice.

What a ride life is! Good on you for being true to the both of you -- and to he.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
THAT cracks me up.

Just between you and me-that's so funny.

HOW could YOU worry about THAT?????????????????

I'm glad you shared-maybe I'll share soon about Friday night. If you don't mind-maybe I'll add it to this thread.
It was similar experience for me, set the condoms on the bedside table, put them in the drawer, put them on the top, back in the drawer-drew a blank, of course ours are in a drawer but what's protocol in a hotel room? Heck if I know.

Anyway-I couldn't help but giggle over one of your worries becuase it as so comically silly to me-but I know I have some silly ones pop up periodically too!
 

foxflame88

New member
Thanks for sharing your story and experience with us. You are blessed to have such a love for each other.
 

LuvNWonder

New member
Making it good the first time

first...:p

Then..
I'm glad you shared-maybe I'll share soon about Friday night. If you don't mind-maybe I'll add it to this thread.
It was similar experience for me, set the condoms on the bedside table, put them in the drawer, put them on the top, back in the drawer-drew a blank, of course ours are in a drawer but what's protocol in a hotel room? Heck if I know.

Oh...please do. First times (at anything) can be so traumatic. I think there is much to be learned from other's experiences. I just wish I could be as open with "everyday" people around me as I can be here.

Brian
 

Erosa

New member
This was fascinating for me to read as a newbie because it gave me a very clear insight in to the mind of someone adjusting to a new relationship situation.

I'm still not certainl where I will be able to fit in to the poly-scheme of things but this does help me realize some of the emotions I can likely expect to arise. Thank you for sharing! Very enlightening.
 

LuvNWonder

New member
From the Mrs LuvNWonder

I (Luv) had more than a little trepidation about that event. I am generally an extrovert although I do have a streak of constraint when getting very intimate. Crossing that barrier quite frankly is emotionally challenging. Having experienced a great deal of friendships that were less than trusting, I have a considerable amount of anxiety attached and find it difficult to be open in intimate communications, as Wonder can attest too.

Initially, I had wanted this to be a 3some, but logistics did not work out that way. Wonder does want me to be comfortable and he also is well aware that especially since we have been separated by distance, my need for human contact as well as adult companionship has been very obvious. We have learned to trust our friend due to some previous visits with him including a 3some we had had a couple of weeks earlier.

Wonder suggested in his post that we had gone to lunch several times. That's a bit of a stretch. To date I have had 3 lunches w our friend. I had no intension of moving this to a primarily 1:1 relationship and would not continue it if it were suggested it become that. I want no secrets and want to be able to fully share relationships with Wonder, even if the sexual preferences aren't completely compatible (referring to the fact although our friend is pretty liberal in his willingness to experience some more bisexual activities, he is not bisexual and does have his limitations).

As Wonder mentioned this was the first time I had ever been left completely alone with another person outside of my 22 year marriage to Wonder. Even in our swinging experiences, I never did anything alone. I have some safety/security issues, which is one of the reasons friendships w those we have "relations" make more sense to me. Our friend has proven to be not only respectful of our (Wonder and I) relationship, but also has proven to be very trusting, caring and responsible. That is why I was more comfortable with this moving into a more intimate relationship. In the 2 plus years we have opened our marriage to alternate lifestyle choices, this is the first time I felt comfortable enough with myself, and with my relationship with Wonder as well as the third party to know I was safe.

Wonder made the experience even more acceptable by making those preparations he mentioned. We talked about his and my expectations before it took place. Wonder did indicate to me that he had some anxiety about it, which considering that he seemed so sure of himself and this experience actually eased my mind. It reminded me that this was something we chose to do together, it wasn't a choice he or I made alone. There is a lot of love and I treasure it.

I am very obviously the more monogamist of the two of us. I don't technically need anyone other than Wonder in my heart. I have learned however, during this transition in our lives, that it has been an enriching and liberating experience when it is carefully and considerately managed and communicated between us.

In no way, does my friendship threaten my relationship with Wonder. It is helping me overcome some communication barriers that I have built. It is also making my relationship more open and expressive which is what I need in my relationships.


I do want Wonder to be who he is. I understand why he wanted me to experience this. I'm not at full-throttle, when it comes to polyamory. I am absolutely sure there are going to be bumps, mountains if you will that we will have to overcome. I don't know that I will ever be able to accept a third party as an equal partner either for Wonder or for myself. I am learning to accept that more intimate relationships can be enriching for me and I know that Wonder wants an even greater and deeper connection in a truly poly relationship. He is being very patient with me as I try to catch up. I can see a full quad relationship being more accepting but of course I do realize that we should be open to new experiences and new relationships in whatever form they come into our lives.

So on the whole for me, this was an enriching experience made even more special by the love and care that Wonder had for me in order to help me and our friend more comfortable. The intensity that has grown out of this transition in our marriage is both challenging and frightening. I am finding some strength in our relationship that I never really felt before. A trust and love that is more deep, secure and more comfortable than ever. It is a little scary because it is so much to accept right now. There is still so much that is uncertain with our living arrangements, life choices, sexual experiences and family.

As a side note LovingRadiance: you are absolutely right….Wonder has absolutely nothing to worry about! 

J.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Our "Friday Night"

Maca was concerned about being able to functionally BE poly. His concern was that when push came to shove he wouldn't be able to go through with the sex with another woman (always been monogomous).

In talking about this I concluded that it seemed obvoius that he should just "face the fear down" by having a date with a woman we could trust no to get all bent out of shape if he couldn't go through with the sex but was willing to if he could.

He was nervous but agreed. He requested I be there to and I agreed to stay long enough to get him "settled in" and then go home. I also agreed at his request to giving him a BJ before I left as he was very nervous about the sex part of it (no idea why the guy is awesome but guys will be guys). He wanted the day/time to be a suprise so he wouldn't get worked up or worried about it before hand. He also asked that I come back in the morning-and I readily agreed. He hoped we could make love before heading home, I agreed to bring breakfast for them both.

I contacted a close friend of mine. I made the general proposal to her and she readily agreed. She and I talked daily for a couple weeks about the details. It seemed each day one of us would think of some technicality that we needed to address and we would work together on a solution.

We agreed to meet (the three of us) for dinner at a bar/restaurant we regularly frequent that is in a hotel. I reserved a room for them. And she and I picked a night. She agreed to call him and let him know her kids were with her mom that night and ask if we wanted to meet he for dinner before she headed home. He (always predictable on this) would ask me what I wanted to do and knowing that was the date night I would say it would be fun and we'd meet her there.
We're both submissive by nature in the bedroom, so we agreed to go in as me being the "dom" long enough to GET us there and then I'd "hand over the sub" to him. :) Make it playful and a little less tense to start.

I arranged for a babysitter for our kids. She got permission and ironed out details with her husband (a secret poster even I don't know his log in, on the board. Sneaky guy!). Two or three days before "the date" she and I went for our weekly walk and it hit me that she's been interested in me for years-and I've always said no. But here we were and he was going to BE with her... I got a slight bit of jealousy-but not over him, over HER. I kind of rolled my eyes at myself, went along our walk (didn't say anything about it) and then spent a few days processing that thought/feeling.

As the date came close things went awry because my Godkids mother took off and left the kids. It was (is) very emotionally upsetting for our family. Both she (and he) offered to cancel/reschedule in light of this drama. However, I knew it was better for her husband and I if I let the date stand. So I chose to let it stand.

He and I headed to the restaurant (by this time he already knew which took some of our suprise out but too much had come up so we worked with what we had). I'd been in tears off and on all day over the situation with my Godkids and he was worried. I focused on the night and tried to completely block out the rest of the mess. We went up to the room, unpacked his bag and the "treats" I had packed.

I packed (for her) a bottle of perfume in a scent she likes, bath salts and massage oil in the same scent for them to "play" with. I put the perfume on the bathroom counter by the sink. I put the bath salt on the edge of the tub and I put the massage oil on the center of one of the beds (two queens) after removing the blankets and rearranging the sheets to make a good "massage" area. :)

I put the condoms AND handcuffs (JUST IN CASE they got kinky instead of romantic) in the drawer between the beds. He turned the heater on (it was FREEZING in there) and I flipped on one dim light that was more "romantic" so that when we got there we would'nt have to be in BRIGHT LIGHT after the dark bar atmosphere.

Then we went down to dinner. She was running late so we ordered our food and hers. He had two drinks ( I had to drive home still so only had one) and talked. He was a little nervous and I was a tease (in a good way) to help him relax. I was VERY affectionate and loving as I wanted to be sure he knew I wasn't upset or anything he might worry about.

She got there and we hung out while she ate. We listened to the karaoke singers and talked for a little bit. Then went upstairs.

It got a bit awkward at that point.She knew what he wanted and was waiting for me to "get that started" and he was talking a mile a minute (not usual for him). He didn't "go with the flow" of me trying to get him to lay down across the bed for us. But I worked with it best I could. I climbed up on the bed and sat (backwards) across his chest so I could do what he requested and he wasn't going to keep getting up.
I got started, she joined in, he finished while she was at it. In the midst I took off her boots and I took off her earrings so they wouldn't get broken or lost. I got up as they seemed content to "attend one another". I put her earrings in the bathroom by the perfume and headed home after kissing him goodbye.

At home I got nervous (kind of like the description in the OP's fist post). It was a little odd. I had to put ice on my neck for 30 minutes and then heat after that. In the meantime her husband was texting me (but I felt like shit). I tried to be nice and didn't tell him my issues (which had nothing to do with the situation) as he was working out of town and I didn't want to worry him.

I went to bed and slept with my phone on my chest (silly huh? never take that thing to my room). I wanted to be sure if ANYTHING went wrong and one of them called-I got the call.

GG sat on the edge of the bed just running his fingers over my arms until I fell asleep. I had told him in advance that this was Maca's night and I wasn't going to BE with GG during it becuase I wanted Maca to focus on enjoying himself and not worry about GG and I. GG was TOTALLY cool with that but Maca had told him not to leave me alone JUST IN CASE it all got to be too much with the Godkids drama AND Maca being gone all night. So he sat by me and just made sure I fell asleep.

Maca texted at some point to say he loved me and good night. After three texts I sent him one (I had already been asleep) that said "No sleep, she drives you home tomorrow" meaning that if he didn't let me get some sleep I wasn't going to pick him up the next morning.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Continued

So he took my (not clearly written text) wrong.

I was up and down all night with uncomfortable concerns (some perfectly ridiculous) like
1.them getting in a fight (??) or
2.her husband or her deciding that it was "my turn" even though they know I'm not up for that (again??) and
3.worries that he would decide she was better in bed than me (never thought about that before why does it matter??)
4. him leaving me (Seriously??)
5. Nothing in particular but just a vague panic....


I went to sleep and got up to GG waking me up early to make breakfast. Texted Maca and asked when they wanted to eat/be picked up only to hear that he was bent over thinking I had decided not to come. :(

We got that part figured out-but it was also snowing and cold (which makes my neck issues MUCH worse). By the time I got there I was in a lot of pain and making love was NOT an option.

We all headed out to our place to get breakfast (which GG was making). We got here, ate breakfast and hung out. When she headed home he ran out and gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and said thank you.

Unfortunately he and I didn't get a 'time together' till the next week and a lot of stuff came up between Friday night and Wednesday when we got our time.

BUT she and I had time to talk (and walk) and deal and that was awesome. I confessed to her that the situation brought up a lot of emotions from my last girlfriend/loss and little details that we learned about in light of the date.

Wednesday he and I finally got to really talk and we were able to really put some things in perspective. All in all, we all grew closer together-including Maca and GG and I'm SO glad we did it!!

Ok-not sure that's the clearest written post I've ever done, but that's the gist of OUR "first" story. ;)
 

Mark1npt

New member
It's a wonderful story LNW.....sounds like you did it right. I have been so amazed at the thoughtfulness my wife has shown for my OSO and I. I know it hasn't been easy for her after 27 years if having me to herself, but I love her all the more for it. All the feelings you had, she had tenfold (as she is the mono one)......I hope it keeps working out well for the both (or three) of you. :)
 
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