Trouble in paradise.

MidoriDesu

New member
Okay, so I have been with my GF for 9 months. She has been married to her husband for a year and a half. They have always had an open relationship. He works a lot and has a very low sex drive and she has a very high sex drive. Anyway, so she has had lovers (all male) on the side. Simply sex. Sometimes dates, but mostly just sex. She would see them 2-4 times a month. Well, she met me, we hit it off, her husband and I get along well, and we decided not to have anyone else in our arrangement. (i'm her first RELATIONSHIP outside the marriage, it was just sex with the others before) This arrangement was fine, but now things are different. So, she has only had sex with him twice since we have been together. Our sex life is very fulfilling. (I'm female bodied) Actually, she has recently asked if we could be sexually monogamous. (she is not sexually attracted to her husband anymore and does not want to have sex with him, this makes him sad). So it's been a good relationship so far.

So, now the issue. She's married. She's never had a relationship outside of her marriage, only sex. So, she is very much in love with me and expresses it often. So, she wants the "same things I have with my husband" with me. The only issue is, she's already married, She lives with him, his family is constantly hovering (and LDS), her family would be disapproving, among other things. She already has a life built with him and is trying to incorporate me, but not really. We don't share anything. Money, phone plans, etc. It's all with him. When we talk about anything it's like, "oh yeah me and him have that" it's like, "okay, what do you want to do with me?". I don't want to be added to his phone plan. I want something that is ours.

This brings up the issue of our relationships being separate. She spends most of her free time with me. (He works graves and sleeps all day) Well her husband met a girl at work and was hanging out with her and texting her. (he has never talked to anyone else during their relationship, this is the first time he branched out) They hung out but she didn't know that he liked this new girl. Well, he ended up kissing her. My GF was very upset. They have an agreement that they talk before anything happens with anyone. And he gave this excuse of "Well, you're never here and you don't want to have sex with me" So, he blamed her for his inability to simply talk to her. That's literally all he had to do is talk to her. Technically he cheated on her.

Long story short (this is a lie it's still long haha). She has been spending more time with him and trying to mend their relationship. She is putting all the effort in though. He still is being an asshole about it. This is irritating on many levels. Not only that he is being a jerk, but that she is spending her time with him now. So, the whole time she is with me she is texting him and snapping every person she has ever met (i'm exaggerating...kind of). She has always been attached to her phone. It's never been an issue until recently, however this wasn't the thing that started my issue with the phone. (more on that later) So, i've talked about completely separating the two relationships. My mom has recently died and I don't have any family or holiday traditions anymore. It's hard hearing about all the family stuff she does. I didn't want to go to his family's thanksgiving, so I stayed home alone and just watched movies. I don't want to constantly hear about everything they get to do that I can't do. Am I jealous? I don't know. If I am going to continue this, I have to feel like i'm a part of something and not just a third wheel. I have tried to change the way I view this relationship and am trying to come to terms with not being able to have any of those things. I just don't know if I can do it for very much longer. :(

The last thing is her phone. She is attached at the hip to that damn thing. She always has been and it was never an issue. Until her husband befriended this guy from his work. Then the friend and her became friends. They were constantly texting and snapchatting each other. She has never ignored me or "not heard me" before while shes been on her phone. Except when she started talking to him. We have had many conversations about this guy for months. Well, he just moved in to her house as their roommate. It's been a process. He cat calls her and harasses her constantly. It's bad. She has stopped texting him and snapping him but, she still is attached to that phone. We have had so many conversations about it and I just gave up. So, I just kind of sit around while she's on her phone and talk when she isn't on it, which isn't very often.

I don't feel like I am getting much out of this relationship. I want to date other people because I feel left out but, she isn't okay with me dating anyone else right now. She says she feels our relationship "isn't on solid ground" right now...


So, here are my quetions....

1-How do I become okay with her phone use?
2-How do I navigate separating her two relationships? (is that even a good idea?)
3-How do I talk to her about not being fulfilled and possibly seeking a companion?
4-How can I become more okay with the issue with not having a future with her?

Wow, this is probably a lot. The back story will help. I promise!
 

vinsanity0

Active member
1-How do I become okay with her phone use?
2-How do I navigate separating her two relationships? (is that even a good idea?)
3-How do I talk to her about not being fulfilled and possibly seeking a companion?
4-How can I become more okay with the issue with not having a future with her?

1- You don't. That behavior is quite rude. I would never put up with that. I would tell someone to shut the phone off or I'll see them when they are not so busy.

2- It sounds like she is adamant about being in a primary relationship with her husband. You won't attend functions with the two of them so it sounds like you are already keeping it all as separate as you can.

3- Just tell her that is what you are going to do. If she can't accept that it may be time to part ways.

4-Can you be okay with that? Again, it may be time to just part ways.


From what you've told us, your GF does seem like a selfish jerk. Have you ever had a real talk with her about your concerns?
 

Memorandum

New member
This is pretty much over. All of it. They would have imploded either way with the incompatible sex drives.

The way she's acting towards you now just tells me that she thinks she has what she wants (regarding you). She doesn't have to work that hard anymore. Except with the person literally holding the pursestrings. So she's bending over backwards to her spouse who seemingly just doesn't want to try anymore (and probably hasn't for a while. imo that's a result of their sexual incompatibility, and they still got married any damn way. love that lifescript, relationship elevator bullshit :p).
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If I understand correctly, she's basically checked out of the marriage in terms of being there for each other or being lovers. But wants to keep the hubby around because being married makes it easier for her to "pass" than being with you (a female) would with her LDS and disapproving family. And she likes whatever it is he provides in terms of money, housing, etc.

Now that he's looking like he might move on to a new GF and break off whatever he supplies that she still likes... she wants to re-secure him.

So she does this by starting a petty fight over "telling first " because "he owes her that." If he is moving on, and he doesn't feel he needs to check in with his non-present wife, I think he's detaching. To me it sounds like he is ready to let it all go and almost ready to call her his "STBX wife."

At any rate, that is all THEIR stuff to solve.

Here's where you are at:

You are 9 mos in -- still in the NRE window of 6-24 mos. I wonder if she told you whatever to secure supply from YOU? You got an intense sounding courtship and pretty words about building a future. (Were you love bombed?)

I wonder if now that you have promised to be Closed to her sexually, she thinks you are hooked? For sure she's paying you less attention.

I don't feel like I am getting much out of this relationship.

I can see that. I don't see what you get out of it either.

To me? She sounds like a person who like to cluster "supply people" around her, and she's currently worried about losing the supply she gets from her DH. And she doesn't like the sound of you leaving at this time because then she looses supply from you. Instead of 1 supply line down, she would be 2 supply lines down. And her latching on to this new phone friend -- I wonder if that's her 3rd supply line just in case?

Sounds like she's all about HER and what she gets. Not really about what is best and healthiest for all players.

I want to date other people because I feel left out.

So tell her you are going to start dating other people. This arrangement isn't doing it for you. Whether than means you still date her but stop being Closed, or it means a total break up -- that's up to you to figure out.

To me she sounds like she wants you to be like she had the husband -- him putting in for her benefit. But her not giving back.

Only now it would be you putting in for her benefit -- but not getting much out of it.

She isn't okay with me dating anyone else right now. She says she feels our relationship "isn't on solid ground" right now...

So what behaviors does she do right now that ADDS to stability? None. Right now she does things that TAKE AWAY from it:

  • DH is on verge of leaving, so off to re-secure him. Neglects you.
  • Attached to the phone with the new supply line friend. So she's just there in body when she is there with you. Not present in mind.
  • she says things about building a future, but does not follow through


To me it sounds like the offer is "I want you to promise to date only me, have sex with only me, while I neglect you as I chase down my DH and this new phone friend. I expect you to be happy with that, sit tight, and be ok with this offer even though there isn't much in it for you."

I wouldn't be happy with that one-way relationship. You don't sound happy with that either.

It's ok to say "Thanks for the offer. But no thanks" and move on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi MidoriDesu,

Re (from OP):
"How do I become okay with her phone use?"

Good question. Bring a book to read while she texts and snapchats? Bring your own phone so you can get in on her phone action? Even if you're sitting right across from her, the phone is where she really is so why not meet her on her own turf.

Re:
"How do I navigate separating her two relationships?"

Ask her not to talk to you about her husband anymore. But, you must decide what you'll do if she refuses to comply.

Re:
"Is that even a good idea?"

I don't see a problem with it per se.

Re:
"How do I talk to her about not being fulfilled and possibly seeking a companion?"

Perhaps you should just tell her that you're going to seek another companion, that you hope she'll be understanding but you respect her decision to break up if that's her reaction.

Re:
"How can I become more okay with the issue with not having a future with her?"

Maybe that's why she doesn't want you to seek another companion, because she knows she can't offer you the future you want, but another companion might be able to do so.

I'm willing to support you from here whatever you decide.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

MidoriDesu

New member
Oh gosh

Wow! Thanks for all the good advice. I know she is selfish. It's something I've tried to ignore because I didn't want to be "that person". I think I need to do things for me and not worry too much about the possibilities of her getting upset. If she wasn't happy she would do the same.
So, I think it's time for me to branch out and not wait around. Should I say anything to her? Or just kind of do my own thing? (I would not put her at risk for anything, like STDs) Okay, so I'm
Gonna bring a book everywhere so when she's on her phone I can catch up kn my reading (been trying to do that for monthsssss hah) I've had conversations with her about the phone stuff and but usually she gets defencive and says "she needs it for work" she does actually. Both of us have support/non profit jobs. I have to respond to emails and phone calls throughout the day as does she. But, most of her phone use is snapchat and Facebook. It is pretty irritating to be ignored for someone's post about their
New hair cut haha. Additionally, I'm going to schedule things without making sure she isn't busy already so I can do it. Man! Reading all this makes this sound BAD! How did I let this get like this!? 😔:(
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think it's time for me to branch out and not wait around. Should I say anything to her?

Decide if this is

1) "I am breaking up with you"​

or

2) "I don't want to be Closed any more. (where you stand) I am willing to date you Open. (your new offer)"

  • And know she might counter offer with "I don't want to date you Open. It's Closed or we break up."
  • Then you could say "Ok, then we break up." (Because you know you don't like Closed with her already.)

Once you decide if it is 1 or 2, have the conversation and be up front about it and tell her PLAIN. She's not a mind reader.

Just because she's behaving poorly is no reason for you to go vague and conflict avoidy. Be assertive and direct.

Reading all this makes this sound BAD! How did I let this get like this!?

Because during NRE you get brain chemistry (adrenalin and other things) that keeps you "high." Everyone has to come down to reality after the la-las wear off. And once you are not looking at her through rose tinted glasses, you get to see what you REALLY have got. Sometimes it is a good match, other times it is not.

It does not sound like this is a good match to be Closed with her. You say you don't get much out of the relationship.

I think you could either go back to Open, or end it entirely.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from MidoriDesu):
"So, I think it's time for me to branch out and not wait around. Should I say anything to her? or just kind of do my own thing?"

Because you are involved with her, it seems to me that you should inform her that you'll be branching out.
 
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