Trying to decide

Tri46guy

New member
Ok - we are starting to call ourselves poly with a lot of enthusiasm and conviction now! After going to the poly conference I have to just say, I LOVE poly culture. I love the openness to everything - openness to multiple connections, less judginess toward casual sex, toward BDSM, toward different views, different styles. I love the awesome levels of respect for people and independence. I love the caring and careful understanding of consent. I love the respect for women and gender and orientation diversity. I love the people with awesome communication skills and the open acknowledgement about insecurities and the caring and affection for people they have just met. I'm convinced that the poly culture is awesome and welcoming and I want to be a part of it. I want to be part of this tribe of bonobos!!!!!

My wife and I are starting to go to poly meetups in our area and we are feeling a lot more confident and excited about it all. We are also now acutely aware of the judginess from others about all forms of non-monogamy. But c'est la vie. We are doing it - screw everyone else! (and I mean that in the nice positive affectionate way).
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Good to hear that you are enjoying your poly experience, Tri46guy!
 

Spork

Active member
Ok - we are starting to call ourselves poly with a lot of enthusiasm and conviction now! After going to the poly conference I have to just say, I LOVE poly culture. I love the openness to everything - openness to multiple connections, less judginess toward casual sex, toward BDSM, toward different views, different styles. I love the awesome levels of respect for people and independence. I love the caring and careful understanding of consent. I love the respect for women and gender and orientation diversity. I love the people with awesome communication skills and the open acknowledgement about insecurities and the caring and affection for people they have just met. I'm convinced that the poly culture is awesome and welcoming and I want to be a part of it. I want to be part of this tribe of bonobos!!!!!

My wife and I are starting to go to poly meetups in our area and we are feeling a lot more confident and excited about it all. We are also now acutely aware of the judginess from others about all forms of non-monogamy. But c'est la vie. We are doing it - screw everyone else! (and I mean that in the nice positive affectionate way).

I was literally sitting here at my desk grinning while reading this. This feeling you have of "Wow!" about the people you met at the poly con, and their attitudes and positivity, that's often how I feel about the kink community in general. When I try to talk to folks about Voodoo, I wish I could project that feeling to them...because it's easy to be kind of nervous before you step in, but then you find that instead of the water being cold and scary, it's warm and wonderful. Ya know??

Anyhow I am very happy for you.

Part of my being so "out" about poly and sometimes kink, is that I feel the need to be almost an activist about it. Not trying to convert anyone. But more like "this is the face of that thing you think is unthinkable. Listen to all of the ways it has been sane and therapeutic and wonderful for me. No, it's not for everyone...but neither is monogamy, and that's ok." And I'm pretty diplomatic, and I've reached a lot of people and practically always get at least acceptance. I'm ok with being the reality show for people who want to live vicariously a bit, if it helps them be more openminded.

Funny how in "conservative" Colorado Springs, I can't think of a single person who has spoken in a judgmental manner to me. Except my ex, and strangers online...and who gives a fig what they think anyhow?

I also loved the part a few posts upthread where you mentioned that keeping your marriage strong was up to you and your wife. Yes. I mean, I kind of see it like this:

"Normal" mono relationship: Partners take for granted that other partner NEEDS exclusive sexual rights and would be devestated and feel inadequate if they looked outside the relationship. If a need or want for another arises, they either subdue it (possibly builds resentment) or they act on it secretly. Lies suck! And if it's found out at some point, then there's all that betrayal/deception stuff to deal with. Awful. Happens too often. And because it's taken for granted that a person can only love ONE other person at a time, if one develops attachment ouside of the relationship and wants to experience/pursue it...they needs must terminate the original relationship first.

Poly relationship: Merely accepting polyamory allows for greater communication, and safety to express outside wants/needs, and facilitates a safe space to be honest without worrying that if you tell the truth then ~OMG IT WILL BE OVER!~ I for one need to be able to at least express to a partner that I might have another interest (whether I act on it or not) without them feeling like this means I don't love them anymore, don't want them anymore, or they aren't enough.

So say I had a primary longterm marriage type relationship (I don't now, but pretend) and I met someone new and started a new thing full of crazyballs NRE. Here's how I see that. Where my primary long term thing might have reached a point where we've found our "comfortable" and it's hard, living the daily grind with this person, to keep behaving passionately...now I get a break, to go feel those wild feels, and likely it will recharge me in such a way that my primary will benefit from a happier and more enthusiastic "me." I'm going to carry my happier, healthier energy into everything I do. An analogy (because I love them) would be if you bought your dream home to live in, and you lived there for years, and you experienced life in that home...does that mean that if you ever go on vacation, you no longer wish to live in that home and are ready to cast it aside? Of course not! And I'm glad that you are recognizing your wife's autonomy in the basic fact that no man has the power to take her away from you. She is not a thing to be picked up and carried off. She will choose to continue with you, or not, based on the merit of what YOU two have.
 

Tri46guy

New member
Yeah the conference was definitely a super open and positive atmosphere. Hung out the weekend after with another bunch of open liberal people for a training that were cool but that also highlighted to me some of the limitations to the openness and some subtlely judgy attititudes toward non-mono sex that most of the people had... oh well. But I will indeed have to go visit voodoo based on your passionate and emphatic endorsement for having the same warm fuzzy attitude there... er well I guess warm fuzzy but also with some sharp edges. Thx for helping broaden my horizons.
 
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