Trying to do the right thing

ladyintricate

New member
Hello poly people! It has been a long time since I have posted on here and my relationships have changed quite a bit. I could use some advice. I feel completely un-grounded at the moment and don't know where else to turn.

So, I have been married to my husband for about 16 years now (we were married when both of us were 19-years-old). About 8 months ago I made the decision that I couldn't be married to him anymore because although I will always care about him, he has broken my trust too many times over the years due to lying, cheating, and being untrustworthy in multiple situations. We have two kids (16 and 6 years) and for the moment we still live together, but we are basically roommates raising our kids together.

So, my issue is with my poly relationships. I have been in a relationship with a MF couple who are married and just had a baby together, for about 3 years now. I care about them both very much and consider them, as well as their little baby to be family. However, every time I see them together with their baby I have deep mixed feelings. I feel joy for two people I very much care about, starting a new little family, but I also feel sadness and pain, at remembering how things were when my son was born and things between myself and my husband quickly fell apart. I do not want to be in any way a negative factor to their relationship and their family. I want them to be happy and to enjoy what they have.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and worry for the last 3 or 4 months about where I fit in and how I can be sure to not mess up what they have. With the birth of the baby, it seems like the fear of hurting them has tripled. I respect them as people and think they are very intelligent. I find that I cannot keep a cool head about me being in their lives any longer and last night I wrote them both a long email telling them that I love them, but I do not want to take away from their relationship in any way, even if it is just time. They are 10 years younger than I am and I fear that what they don't know will hurt them. Basically, that even though they do not think I am detrimental to their relationship, that I may be with time if our relationship continues.

As you can see, I am a ball of emotions and I am not sure any more if I am doing the right thing or not by breaking off my relationships with J and A, but I care about them so much that I don't want them to suffer what I went through, even if there is just a chance of that.
 

Inyourendo

New member
Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life and emotionally. Perhaps until you get the divorce final and you have time to heal you can put your other relationship on hold and focus on getting emotionally stable.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from ladyintricate):
"As you can see, I am a ball of emotions and I am not sure anymore if I am doing the right thing or not by breaking off my relationships with J and A, but I care about them so much that I don't want them to suffer what I went through, even if there is just a chance of that."

But there's a chance of that even if you do break off your relationships with them. I don't even particularly see how your presence in their lives increases the chance of that, unless you feel you're too emotionally entangled in your breakup with your husband to be a safe partner for J and A? (And even that's a stretch.)

If you feel you need time to get your emotions in order, do you think you could make the breakup with J and A a temporary breakup, and get back together with them somewhat later on? Just a suggestion ...
 

GreenAcres

New member
I do not want to be in any way a negative factor to their relationship and their family. I want them to be happy and to enjoy what they have.

They are 10 years younger than I am and I fear that what they don't know will hurt them. Basically, that even though they do not think I am detrimental to their relationship, that I may be with time if our relationship continues.

Have they given you any reason to think you're a negative factor in their relationship? Do you feel your are physically dangerous to them or their child, or may become so (if yes to the latter, stop reading now, and forget the rest of the post, and call a counselor immediately). If the answer to both of these is no, then why do you feel you should make decisions for these people that they've had no say in?

If you need time for you, that is totally reasonable and understandable. Take that time, and be honest about what you need and why. If what you need is reassurance that they love you and want you in their life, let them know that. If what you need is a discussion about where you fit in their lives, and the lives of their new child, ask them about it. If you need more attention because you're feeling a lack of time/attention from them since the baby, tell them that. But, don't use the "I'm leaving your for your own good!" ploy. It just masks the issues, doesn't help you resolve whatever it is you're going through, and totally disrespects your partners by making it clear you think you are superior in your knowledge of what is best for them.

Truthfully, your post in relation to your partners comes off as really patronizing. Perhaps this is a sign that you need to work on some things with yourself, but are projecting your fears onto them? A divorce is often very emotional and difficult, and can be devastating. Making decisions in the throws of that kind of emotion generally leads to...well, bad decisions.

It sounds like you could use some counseling. And, if you haven't already, perhaps an honest discussion with your partners about what you are going through in your own life, as well as your fears about your relationship with them.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Oh wait ... I think maybe I get it ... You (ladyintricate) are worried that poly itself will mess up the would-be monogamous relationship that J and A should have with each other. Therefore, you, being the poly partner in the trio, are the one who needs to step down. Is that what you mean?

Granted, a poly relationship can be hard to juggle with a newborn. Though there's a flipside to that: You could potentially act as a sitter from time to time, giving J and A a break, some rest, perhaps even a chance to date each other without their child to worry about. This would be totally voluntary on your part of course, it's not something you *have* to do. But if you want to help J and A, that's one way you could do it.
 

ladyintricate

New member
I talked to my SO's and we worked it out. I could get into this more, but basically, I was freaking out due to some emotional triggers and needed some sleep. I ended up telling them I was sorry for being a spaz and we all had some snuggle time. Thanks for the help, all!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Glad to hear you got things worked out.
 
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