Tsuki
New member
Journal #7 The Terrible Unknowns
The unknowns...
I have always been more terrified by the monsters I cannot see. Give me Jason, give me Freddy Krueger, give me Samara the ghost, hideous acid-blooded aliens... none of it really scares me, or haunts my dreams. It's the things that go bump in the night, the brush across your leg as you swim in the lake, the whisper in the dark, the creaking door from upstairs when you're home alone, the snapping twig out in the woods, the breathing on the other end of the phone... the villains you cannot see, are the ones that sends the shivers up and down my spine, and make me wish I were in a crowded mall in the daytime, surrounded by noise and warmth and the steady hum of the busy shoppers as they bustle past.
Recently, Missy and I were going to have lunch together at work. I got off at 7pm and she was going to take her lunch at 7:30. I figure, stick around an extra hour, and spend some quality time with her while I had the chance. She came into the break room and hugged me and begged me to forgive her. I asked her why, with a chuckle. She says, "I messed up big time with Van... and it's not a small thing, I really fucked up. I nearly got sent home to my parents. He is furious with me". I asked if she wanted to tell me about it. Missy shook her head and said with a sigh, looking down at the chocolate milk I bought her, "I... I don't really want to say... and there is someone in the parking lot, right now, waiting for me... he is sorta involved in this...". I took a deep breath and nodded, and replied, "I understand, you have to do what you have to do... but, are you going to be okay? Would you like me to come with, or stick around here and wait for you? Will you need me for anything...?". She looked at me sullenly, "No dear, I am sorry I had to cancel our lunch date, but this is really seriously bad and I need to fix it... sorry". I hugged her and smiled and let her go.
Since that night, Missy's anxiety, stress, and depression have very nearly crippled her. She can't manage to stay for a full shift at work, and she has difficulty sleeping, and she ends up waking up super early everyday because of Van's alarm going off at 5am. She is wrung out, and exhausted, and from what she has told me, from her own lips... is that things between her and Van have been really tense lately, and that if she sets even one toe out of line, she fully expects to be sent on a one way trip back to her parents house, out in the country. I can't help but feel sorry for her, and I want to always reach out and comfort her when I see how deeply she is suffering, but she is definitely keeping me at an arms length for now, so I am giving her the space she requests. I refuse to put my nose in her and Van's business, but at the same time, I feel like I can't do anything to help her, unless I know what it is that is bothering her. I still haven't had an opportunity to have a one on one with Van, and I feel like that could help a little... but my time is limited since I take care of 4 kids and have a full time job.
Last night, Missy texts me to tell me how exhausted she is, and how she wishes she could just go to sleep in her own bed, but she hasn't been able to, because one of Van's other relationships was sleeping over for the last 3 nights. My instinct was to be angry with Van, and condemn his actions for being selfish and insensitive... however, I quickly realized that Van deserves to have his time with his metamours just as Missy has time with hers. It was my prejudices and ignorance that made me angry with him. I examined why I was angry, to better control such things in the future. I was angry with Van, because I felt that since Missy is his primary, that her mental health and well-being come first, and that he should NOT be inviting his metamour over to their home, and leaving Missy to sleep on the couch. I was angry because if it were me, I would have done everything I could to ensure that Missy was feeling okay, before diverting my attention toward another. Then again, I argued to myself... whatever Missy did to hurt Van, perhaps this was his way to relax and try to center himself. I don't know honestly, and that is what is so frustrating to me... I simply don't know.
It could all be a fantastic and unfortunate coincidence, but it seems like whenever Missy is feeling the MOST down, is always when Van is away with someone else for the weekend, or Van has someone else over at their home. As I said, I am not poly, and sometimes it's difficult to grasp the nuances. I am happy when Missy is happy, and I accept/like Van as a good person, and we get along well, and I have no hangups at ALL about them being together, or being intimate... but at the same time, I would feel really uncomfortable being intimate with Missy, in FRONT of Van, especially in his own home. It reeks of disrespect to me... perhaps I am just overly traditional in that way. I understand that poly relationships are varied and unique to the people involved, but I feel like intimacy should be shared with the person you are with, in private... and certainly not in front of your other relationship... ESPECIALLY when she is deep in depression, and it's obvious she is not feeling okay. Maybe that's just me though... I dunno. Am I being a judgemental bitch? Am I being to hard on Van, or too soft on Missy? Should I just drop the whole thing, and hope they sort things out? Do you think I worry too much, or place too much emphasis on helping Missy through her depression? Is my loose understanding of polyamory so terrible, that I am manufacturing fears based upon ignorance?
Honestly I don't know, and it's the not knowing that is chewing a hole through my gut. Ultimately, I just want Missy to be happy. I really care a lot about her, and I want to do what is right, and what is best for her. I know I can't just 'fix' her and make things all better... but I will always do what I can to get her to that next smile, or that next joy filled laugh.
The unknowns...
I have always been more terrified by the monsters I cannot see. Give me Jason, give me Freddy Krueger, give me Samara the ghost, hideous acid-blooded aliens... none of it really scares me, or haunts my dreams. It's the things that go bump in the night, the brush across your leg as you swim in the lake, the whisper in the dark, the creaking door from upstairs when you're home alone, the snapping twig out in the woods, the breathing on the other end of the phone... the villains you cannot see, are the ones that sends the shivers up and down my spine, and make me wish I were in a crowded mall in the daytime, surrounded by noise and warmth and the steady hum of the busy shoppers as they bustle past.
Recently, Missy and I were going to have lunch together at work. I got off at 7pm and she was going to take her lunch at 7:30. I figure, stick around an extra hour, and spend some quality time with her while I had the chance. She came into the break room and hugged me and begged me to forgive her. I asked her why, with a chuckle. She says, "I messed up big time with Van... and it's not a small thing, I really fucked up. I nearly got sent home to my parents. He is furious with me". I asked if she wanted to tell me about it. Missy shook her head and said with a sigh, looking down at the chocolate milk I bought her, "I... I don't really want to say... and there is someone in the parking lot, right now, waiting for me... he is sorta involved in this...". I took a deep breath and nodded, and replied, "I understand, you have to do what you have to do... but, are you going to be okay? Would you like me to come with, or stick around here and wait for you? Will you need me for anything...?". She looked at me sullenly, "No dear, I am sorry I had to cancel our lunch date, but this is really seriously bad and I need to fix it... sorry". I hugged her and smiled and let her go.
Since that night, Missy's anxiety, stress, and depression have very nearly crippled her. She can't manage to stay for a full shift at work, and she has difficulty sleeping, and she ends up waking up super early everyday because of Van's alarm going off at 5am. She is wrung out, and exhausted, and from what she has told me, from her own lips... is that things between her and Van have been really tense lately, and that if she sets even one toe out of line, she fully expects to be sent on a one way trip back to her parents house, out in the country. I can't help but feel sorry for her, and I want to always reach out and comfort her when I see how deeply she is suffering, but she is definitely keeping me at an arms length for now, so I am giving her the space she requests. I refuse to put my nose in her and Van's business, but at the same time, I feel like I can't do anything to help her, unless I know what it is that is bothering her. I still haven't had an opportunity to have a one on one with Van, and I feel like that could help a little... but my time is limited since I take care of 4 kids and have a full time job.
Last night, Missy texts me to tell me how exhausted she is, and how she wishes she could just go to sleep in her own bed, but she hasn't been able to, because one of Van's other relationships was sleeping over for the last 3 nights. My instinct was to be angry with Van, and condemn his actions for being selfish and insensitive... however, I quickly realized that Van deserves to have his time with his metamours just as Missy has time with hers. It was my prejudices and ignorance that made me angry with him. I examined why I was angry, to better control such things in the future. I was angry with Van, because I felt that since Missy is his primary, that her mental health and well-being come first, and that he should NOT be inviting his metamour over to their home, and leaving Missy to sleep on the couch. I was angry because if it were me, I would have done everything I could to ensure that Missy was feeling okay, before diverting my attention toward another. Then again, I argued to myself... whatever Missy did to hurt Van, perhaps this was his way to relax and try to center himself. I don't know honestly, and that is what is so frustrating to me... I simply don't know.
It could all be a fantastic and unfortunate coincidence, but it seems like whenever Missy is feeling the MOST down, is always when Van is away with someone else for the weekend, or Van has someone else over at their home. As I said, I am not poly, and sometimes it's difficult to grasp the nuances. I am happy when Missy is happy, and I accept/like Van as a good person, and we get along well, and I have no hangups at ALL about them being together, or being intimate... but at the same time, I would feel really uncomfortable being intimate with Missy, in FRONT of Van, especially in his own home. It reeks of disrespect to me... perhaps I am just overly traditional in that way. I understand that poly relationships are varied and unique to the people involved, but I feel like intimacy should be shared with the person you are with, in private... and certainly not in front of your other relationship... ESPECIALLY when she is deep in depression, and it's obvious she is not feeling okay. Maybe that's just me though... I dunno. Am I being a judgemental bitch? Am I being to hard on Van, or too soft on Missy? Should I just drop the whole thing, and hope they sort things out? Do you think I worry too much, or place too much emphasis on helping Missy through her depression? Is my loose understanding of polyamory so terrible, that I am manufacturing fears based upon ignorance?
Honestly I don't know, and it's the not knowing that is chewing a hole through my gut. Ultimately, I just want Missy to be happy. I really care a lot about her, and I want to do what is right, and what is best for her. I know I can't just 'fix' her and make things all better... but I will always do what I can to get her to that next smile, or that next joy filled laugh.