Tsuki's Hella Long Life Story

Journal #7 The Terrible Unknowns

The unknowns...
I have always been more terrified by the monsters I cannot see. Give me Jason, give me Freddy Krueger, give me Samara the ghost, hideous acid-blooded aliens... none of it really scares me, or haunts my dreams. It's the things that go bump in the night, the brush across your leg as you swim in the lake, the whisper in the dark, the creaking door from upstairs when you're home alone, the snapping twig out in the woods, the breathing on the other end of the phone... the villains you cannot see, are the ones that sends the shivers up and down my spine, and make me wish I were in a crowded mall in the daytime, surrounded by noise and warmth and the steady hum of the busy shoppers as they bustle past.

Recently, Missy and I were going to have lunch together at work. I got off at 7pm and she was going to take her lunch at 7:30. I figure, stick around an extra hour, and spend some quality time with her while I had the chance. She came into the break room and hugged me and begged me to forgive her. I asked her why, with a chuckle. She says, "I messed up big time with Van... and it's not a small thing, I really fucked up. I nearly got sent home to my parents. He is furious with me". I asked if she wanted to tell me about it. Missy shook her head and said with a sigh, looking down at the chocolate milk I bought her, "I... I don't really want to say... and there is someone in the parking lot, right now, waiting for me... he is sorta involved in this...". I took a deep breath and nodded, and replied, "I understand, you have to do what you have to do... but, are you going to be okay? Would you like me to come with, or stick around here and wait for you? Will you need me for anything...?". She looked at me sullenly, "No dear, I am sorry I had to cancel our lunch date, but this is really seriously bad and I need to fix it... sorry". I hugged her and smiled and let her go.

Since that night, Missy's anxiety, stress, and depression have very nearly crippled her. She can't manage to stay for a full shift at work, and she has difficulty sleeping, and she ends up waking up super early everyday because of Van's alarm going off at 5am. She is wrung out, and exhausted, and from what she has told me, from her own lips... is that things between her and Van have been really tense lately, and that if she sets even one toe out of line, she fully expects to be sent on a one way trip back to her parents house, out in the country. I can't help but feel sorry for her, and I want to always reach out and comfort her when I see how deeply she is suffering, but she is definitely keeping me at an arms length for now, so I am giving her the space she requests. I refuse to put my nose in her and Van's business, but at the same time, I feel like I can't do anything to help her, unless I know what it is that is bothering her. I still haven't had an opportunity to have a one on one with Van, and I feel like that could help a little... but my time is limited since I take care of 4 kids and have a full time job.

Last night, Missy texts me to tell me how exhausted she is, and how she wishes she could just go to sleep in her own bed, but she hasn't been able to, because one of Van's other relationships was sleeping over for the last 3 nights. My instinct was to be angry with Van, and condemn his actions for being selfish and insensitive... however, I quickly realized that Van deserves to have his time with his metamours just as Missy has time with hers. It was my prejudices and ignorance that made me angry with him. I examined why I was angry, to better control such things in the future. I was angry with Van, because I felt that since Missy is his primary, that her mental health and well-being come first, and that he should NOT be inviting his metamour over to their home, and leaving Missy to sleep on the couch. I was angry because if it were me, I would have done everything I could to ensure that Missy was feeling okay, before diverting my attention toward another. Then again, I argued to myself... whatever Missy did to hurt Van, perhaps this was his way to relax and try to center himself. I don't know honestly, and that is what is so frustrating to me... I simply don't know.

It could all be a fantastic and unfortunate coincidence, but it seems like whenever Missy is feeling the MOST down, is always when Van is away with someone else for the weekend, or Van has someone else over at their home. As I said, I am not poly, and sometimes it's difficult to grasp the nuances. I am happy when Missy is happy, and I accept/like Van as a good person, and we get along well, and I have no hangups at ALL about them being together, or being intimate... but at the same time, I would feel really uncomfortable being intimate with Missy, in FRONT of Van, especially in his own home. It reeks of disrespect to me... perhaps I am just overly traditional in that way. I understand that poly relationships are varied and unique to the people involved, but I feel like intimacy should be shared with the person you are with, in private... and certainly not in front of your other relationship... ESPECIALLY when she is deep in depression, and it's obvious she is not feeling okay. Maybe that's just me though... I dunno. Am I being a judgemental bitch? Am I being to hard on Van, or too soft on Missy? Should I just drop the whole thing, and hope they sort things out? Do you think I worry too much, or place too much emphasis on helping Missy through her depression? Is my loose understanding of polyamory so terrible, that I am manufacturing fears based upon ignorance?

Honestly I don't know, and it's the not knowing that is chewing a hole through my gut. Ultimately, I just want Missy to be happy. I really care a lot about her, and I want to do what is right, and what is best for her. I know I can't just 'fix' her and make things all better... but I will always do what I can to get her to that next smile, or that next joy filled laugh.
 
Journal #8 Sigh of Relief

Last night, on my day off, I went into work to grab a few things and get my schedule. I was finishing up and heading out the door, when I caught a glimpse of Missy in the seating area, trying to fix her favorite pen. I stopped and smiled and said hi to get her attention. She smiled and said hello. We sat and chatted for about 10 minutes together on her plans for the evening, how she was feeling, how was her day... She tells me about her pregnancy scare, and I recall her telling me a couple weeks ago that she had forgotten to take her birth control for a few days. She has been so stressed lately, and so she missed her monthly, and that didn't help matters any. Missy told me that her test came out negative, and that in a few days, she was going to take another just to make sure. She shared that she was on her way to her parents house out in the country, and that her mom was on her way to pick her up at this very moment. I smiled and caressed her leg, "That's great! I bet you are looking forward to getting back into some safe and familiar surroundings!", she agreed and smiled back, "Yeah, I think it's overdue, and my stress has been getting so bad... I just needed time to re-center myself".

Missy stroked my hair softly and I noticed her schedule for next week, written on her forearm. I laughed and pointed at 'Wednesday', "Looks like we have that day off together... wanna get together? She thought about it and nodded, "Yeah, I don't have anything scheduled for that day! No offense to Mika... but I hope she isn't there on that day... I need a day alone with you". I nodded and kissed her, "Yeah, I need a day just with you, too'. I looked at the time and kissed her again. I stood up and grabbed my things and laughed, "Sorry, I have to get going... gotta get home to the kids, make dinner... yadda yadda". She nodded, "Yeah and my moms gonna be here any minute". I kissed the top of her head and turned to walk away... she leaned over as I was about to turn the corner and she shouted, "I LOVE YOU...!!!". I sighed happily and took a few steps back, to peek around the corner, her face smiling brightly. "I love you too, have a lovely weekend. Text me if you get bored!". She smiled and nodded, "I am sure I will...".

It seems that things are leveling out for Missy, and I am grateful for that. I am happy she gets to spend her weekend with her family in a comfortable and safe environment. I am grateful that her stress level has begun dropping and her smiles are becoming more numerous. I realize how cheesy it sounds, but I don't care... I take comfort in every single smile upon her lips, and every laugh is a victory. When you love someone who has depression and/or anxiety... every good day, is like Christmas morning.
 
Last edited:
Journal #9 Troubled Waters

I have been having a personal crisis of sorts. I don't know how to cope, but I hope that writing about it will help me find perspective.

So back in Journal #5 and #7, I mentioned how things between Missy and Van were getting... strained. Van is getting very frustrated with Missy's anxiety and depression fallout, and she is frustrated with Van's inflexibility and his unwillingness to compromise. I can't share the details, mostly because I honestly don't know myself... I had a back and forth with Missy a couple hours ago, regarding her frustrations but she wouldn't spare any details, just generalities. So far, all I have gleaned, is that Van has lain down certain rules regarding their relationship... I don't know if this was thought up ahead of time, or if this is something new, made up on the fly. Missy doesn't feel that the rules that Van set down, are fair to her wants, or needs. She describes his rules as suffocating, like a cramped box with 10 ft high walls. Of course, since I didn't know the details, I asked general questions, trying to help as best I could... I asked if he was willing to meet her halfway, or if she was willing to compromise, or if it had to be an all or nothing situation. She replies that they already had a discussion regarding the rules, last night and the rules that were currently in place, WAS Van compromising. However, she still feels it's unacceptable, and even though she admits it is selfish of her, she still feels cheated in the deal.

I asked if I could come over tomorrow night and have a nice pleasant chat with Van, see if there was anything I could do to ease tensions, perhaps promote a deeper understanding between them. I won't lie, I was curious what all the secrecy was about, but she wouldn't hint, and honestly I wasn't going to be crass and ask about something that simply wasn't my concern. Missy replied, "No, please don't... I think if I included someone else in this discussion, it would only make matters worse". I told her that she knew where to find me if she changed her mind on the matter. Missy also mentioned that tensions were so high between them, that anything could be the final straw that ends up getting her kicked out of her home, and sent back to her parents house. She then confessed that her life with Van felt strained and that she didn't think there was any way to fix it... and maybe ending up back with her parents would be the best way to just start over fresh.

I told her, "I understand. If it were me, I would evaluate what is most important to me, and what would happen to my quality of life and my goals if I did end up back with my parents. Will a reset really achieve what you ultimately want? Or will sticking it out be better in the long run? Difficult choices to be sure... but just do me a favor, and don't pack up until you are 100% sure it's what you want. I will accept whatever you decide, and support you however I can". You know, now that I read back over what I wrote to her... it seems... selfish, and a little curt. I guess I just really want her to stay with Van, because selfishly, I want her within arms reach of me. If she leaves to go back to her parents house, she is entirely too far away to be practical to see her anymore. Her parents live out in the country, about an hour's drive away... and I don't think buses even go out there. I know that sounds defeatist of me, but to be honest, this was a relationship of convenience... and I know how cheap that makes it sound, but still... I have 4 kids, and a full time job. If I don't see her at work, and I can't see her by walking to her house a short distance from work... then it is likely I won't ever see her again. It hurts to say that, but on the other hand, my asexual/aromantic half of me is apathetically numb to the possibility. The love in my heart cries in desperation, but my other half is like, "Meh, life goes on slugger... now we can focus on ourselves again... no worries, just keep 'er goin'".

Pleh... I hate feeling this way... the 'not knowing', and the waiting, and being helpless and ineffectual. It's my instinct to run in, guns blazing, and try to fix everything with love and logical rationality. I just wish I could do SOMETHING about this huge event that is about to alter the course of all 3 of our lives. Maybe that is one reason why I have a hard time understanding poly relationships... in this case, the fault lies not with me, but with 2 other people... yet their decisions will ultimately affect my relationship... and I can't do a thing about it. I honestly have no one to hold responsible either, because it doesn't involve me at all. It's so... frustrating.

...I sound like a selfish twat don't I? SMH Oi... what do I dooooooooo?!
 
Journal #10 Picture Perfect Pair...?

Last night, I got off of work at 7pm, Missy got off at 7:30pm. We palled around in the break room and spent the better part of an hour just talking, flirting, cuddling. She got a text from Van indicating that dinner was done, and asking where she was. She replied that she was spending time with me at work, and grocery shopping, so we got up and went shopping so she could get home. As she was buying her groceries, we discussed our date on Wednesday. She mentioned that it was likely that Mika WAS going to be there, and I laughed and rolled my eyes with a shrug, "Whatcha gonna do, huh?" I said. We finished up and we kissed goodbye and I walked her to the corner to say goodbye. She smiled lovingly and waved at me, shouting back "I love you, see you tomorrow!" as she crossed the street.

I woke up at 7:30 am to the sound of my alarm. I reached over and turned it off and spotted the text message on my phone. I snatched it up and between sharply squinted sleepy eyes I read, "Soooo... Van's alarm didn't go off... so he isn't going in to work today, and Mika is here... annnnnnd I am sick as hell... so if you don't want to come over, I totally understand". I thought about it for a second and tried to blink the sleep out of my slowly adjusting eyes, and I asked her, "None of that matters to me, I will say hi to Van, I will smile at Mika, and I will massage and cuddle the ick right out of you... the question is this: Would you like to see me, or would you prefer to just rest?". Missy texted back quickly, "I don't NOT wanna see you... if that even makes sense. I am afraid I won't be any fun though". I laughed and replied, "Time with you, is always time well spent, let me get pretty for you, and I will be on my way...". She texts back, "You're always pretty...<3".

The morning was pretty uneventful. Mika played Tales of Zestiria on the PS 3, while Van was locked away in the garage... his 'man cave', while Missy and I cuddled on the couch. Mika spent the first hour complaining that she couldn't find a save point, and that she would turn it off when she could find one (Which she found, but still kept playing the entire day). Missy was adorably pathetic, curled up with me, while I gave her head and back scratches, kissing her head whenever I could. Van came out briefly to say Hi, and chat for a 10 min, before heading back into the garage. On the surface, Missy and Van seemed like they always did when I saw them together... cute, playful, silly... but I... I don't know... I may be imagining it, but it seemed for a few moments, that things were... touchy between them. For example, he was making a playful comment about the shape of her head or something, and she looked at him with a playful pout and said, "Oh yeah, well YOUR head is STUPID!". His smile instantly vanished and he looked at her seriously... she didn't seem to notice, or it didn't phase her, because she continued to cuddle me, but he seemed put off. I dunno. I hope I imagined it.

Van came back out to spend the last 30 min of my visit, hanging out on the couch with Missy and I. He was fiddling with some cards, and we were having nerdy conversations about videogames, and dungeons and dragons back in our youths... Missy happily cuddled and kissed me, ignoring what we were talking about, but just happy to hug up on me. I can't say that I was disappointed with that! Everything seemed fine, and even though Mika spent all day pretty much hoarding the TV and making the day all about her... (as usual), it was a wonderful day. I did my best to make Missy comfy, and take as much focus off of Mika as Mika would allow LOL, and I rubbed her back, and her feet, and her legs... tried to make her feel as good as I could. Van made her some hot cocoa, and they seemed happy, and that put me at ease. The way Missy described it to me, seemed VERY different from what I was seeing. Could she be blowing it out of proportion, and just needed to blow off steam to me, or could there be something much worse, lurking just beneath the surface of their relationship, and Van was just on his best behavior while I was there. I honestly don't know, but Missy did share something with me the night before... I won't repeat it here, but it was a contingency plan, in the event that things unravel. A way for her to continue to stay in town, and continue going to work, and ultimately still seeing me, even in the event, that things go sour.

Regardless, I had a pleasant day, Van seems nice as usual, Mika seems to be comfortable with whom she is LOL, and Missy, although miserably sick, seems to be doing as well as can be expected. I hope that trend continues... I s'pose time... will tell.
 
Journal #11 Maturity

On Thursday afternoon, Missy and her mother (Sara) stopped into my work and said hi. Missy seemed to be in good spirits and although showing obvious signs of being sick, (Coughing, snuffling, Sneezing) she seemed very energetic. I hugged her and asked how she was. Sara commented that her daughter discovered the joys of NyQuil, and she got her first decent nights sleep in forever. Missy was playful and funny, she didn't seem weirded out by being affectionate with me in front of her mother... and I find that to be an attractive trait. Sara also seemed very relaxed and happy to see me, and I am grateful that I made a positive impression the last time we spoke. They had a lot going on, so they had to leave, so we said our goodbyes and Missy called out to me as she walked away, "I love you!", and her mother laughed, and I shouted back "I love you too!".

Friday afternoon, I was off of work and sitting at home playing Fallout 4 on my computer, and pretty much shunning the outside world for the better part of the day. I am one of those people that can't play a game straight forwardly... I must explore, and see everything, and do everything long before I even acknowledge the main quest line. So I wasn't really making progress... just kinda meandering and leveling up. I get a text from Missy, "I feel horrible, and I have to close tonight, and I only have 19 hours this week, so I can't call in sick, but I can barely get out of bed... what do I do?!". I turn off my game and text her back, "Do you have any daytime cold medicine, would you like me to bring you some? Perhaps explain to the night time manager that you're really sick, and maybe give you less difficult jobs to do...". That didn't seem to be the answer she wanted... "I can't even get the energy to put my clothes on... and I can barely stay awake!! Closing shift are ALL difficult jobs! I just want to call in sick, or better yet QUIT, and move back to my parents house and go to sleep for a year!!!". I took a deep breath and chewed my lip. I have seen this behavior before, and I was still uncertain how to best handle it, but I did the best I could:

"Well my dear, that would be impractical and hasty. You need this job, and I would miss you an awful lot if I didn't see you there. Look, you don't have to work today, that's your decision, and you're and adult and able to make those decisions. I just want you to know, that I talked with the assistant manager about a week ago, about you specifically. I told her that you were having a tough time recently, and that she needed to be more forgiving of your struggles. She told me that she likes your closes and that you do a good job. However, right now she doesn't have anyone else that can work closes everyday except you. She told me that she would rather put you on midshifts if she could, but you are the only person she can count on right now. That's why you have 40 hours next week. That is why you are closing. I told her that I would do my best to encourasge you, and keep you going if I can. However I can't force you. I do hope you feel better soon, and if you need me or want to talk... you know I will be here for you."

Missy didn't respond to that. In fact I don't know if she called in or went to work. I haven't seen her online, and she hasn't called or texted me. I do know that when I try to explain things like this to her, that she does tend to be less than mature about it. *Laugh* I s'pose that is to be expected though. With her age, and her anxiety and depression... it's not easy to break through and appeal to her sense of rationality and logic. It's funny, because I read somewhere that in todays society, people tend to break up over the same traits that attracted them in the first place... if you're attracted to them because they are spontaneous, then you end up breaking up because they are 'irresponsible'... if you love how carefree they are, then you break up because they are 'lazy'... if you love their sense of humor, then you become irritated that they are never serious. As I read that, I thought about Missy and I... I thought about how I love how cute and youthful and silly she is... and yet her lack of maturity is a point of frustration for me. Thinking about this has made me realize that I cannot change her, and should never endeavor to do so. I really love who she is, and I enjoy our time together. I want to make her happy, and help her grow... but growth is a personal experience, and I cannot force the flower to bloom.
 
Questions

I have a serious question to all you poly folks out there...
Missy and I are doing well, and I have no worries regarding us... however Missy and Van seem to be having some SERIOUS troubles and I am unsure how to most delicately approach this, while still doing what I can to help. So here are my questions:

1. As a Meta, do I have enough privilege to discuss her problems about her and her primary?
2. As a Meta, my relationship with Missy is threatened by their potential breakup, so what would be my next step?
3. What are my Meta 'rights' when it comes to situations like this?
4. Are my hands tied, and if so, is there anything I can do behind to scenes to be of help?

I feel so ineffectual and it's making me stir crazy. On one hand, I am worried about our relationship and what it means for US... on the other hand, I am stressed about her and Van, and I want to do whatever I can to help them get through this. Is there anything that I CAN do?
 
It is my personal policy to stay out of my partners' other relationships. I am there to listen if they need to talk. My reason for this is I'm obviously biased.

If you have concerns you should talk to her about it. I would caution against inserting yourself in between them though.
 
There was a time when I used to try to help make things better between Rider and his ex, Claire, when they were still together. I would try to be thoughtful of her feelings and also suggest to Rider things that I thought would be ways he could make her happier—things like offering her certain days or events that I thought she would want, or reminding him to get a souvenir for her if we were on a trip.

It backfired in two ways:

1) I think I helped prolong something that actually needed to die. Once I stopped coaching him on how to make things better with her and just stayed out of it, they broke up pretty quickly. And we've all been happier since, so I should have just stayed out of it in the first place.

2) When I eventually (foolishly) mentioned my "helping," to try to provide proof to her that I'd been on her side all along, trying to make Rider treat her better, she felt humiliated that "good stuff" that she'd perceived as coming from him had never actually originated in HIS being thoughtful of her.

My policy since then is a lot like vinsanity's: be an ear, but only make generic reassuring noises rather than offering any kind of suggestion. Their problems are their business, and if they are incompatible, they would be breaking up whether or not you were in their lives, so let them do whatever it is they need to do. Certainly don't prevent something from ending that SHOULD be ending, just so that your own position could remain more secure. That will just prolong everyone's misery.
 
I can't help but agree. It's my instinct to run in, and try to help when I see people in pain... but I will most likely take your advice, and stay out of it. *Deep sigh* I just hope that things work out in the end, one way or the other.
 
Not much to post about recently tbh... I got to spend a couple hours with Missy tonight, eating frozen yogurt, and a breakfast skillet. It was really nice, and we had a playful and enjoyable evening together. However, I made a cardinal mistake recently... I mentioned (in passing... as a casual comment) to both Missy and Van... that I frequented this message board, and that I wrote about the both of them... and what names I gave them... and what name I went by. *Face palm* It's given me pause. Not because I am trying to say bad things about them behind their backs or anything... but this blog was a way for me to process complicated emotions and problems that I couldn't just talk to them about. Now that the cat is out of the bag... it seems that my days of writing here are probably over. Mostly because there is an obvious shadow looming over head... and I don't want to risk saying something that might upset either one. So until further notice... I am shutting down this blog.

Honestly... I don't know WHY I told them... maybe I just felt like I was hiding something from them, and I didn't want them to stumble across it later, and then come back and confront me about it... "You have been writing about us forever, and you never told us!". I would prefer to avoid that scenario. I find it difficult not to be honest with someone I love... especially when the lie could conceivably ruin the relationship. I apologize to anyone who was really interested in our tale... maybe if things change, or if I have other questions, perhaps I shall come back. Till then,
私はあなたのすべてを欠場します。さようなら、そしてありがとうございました。
 
I'm sad to see you go. I'd suggest talking with them to ask them not to read your blog, but I get that you need to do what's right for you. I hope you can find another place for you to process your experiences without any shadows above.

I wish you only the best. :eek:
 
I too will miss your blog. I hope all continues well for you as you seem to be a sweet and kind person starting an interesting phase of life.

Leetah
 
I'm also going to miss your updates. 頑張って!
 
Back
Top