TTC - everyone on board?

Norwegianpoly

New member
Husband and I planned kids a long time ago, actually what stopped us was my health at the time. Since, I have managed to crawl myself out of that rabbit hole, we moved to a bigger flat and we are turning our economy around. And I met another, beautiful man almost 3 years ago, he lives in another country but we want him to move here, he also wants this and we have a plan for how we can make it happen (we want to get him on a temporary work visa next year).

Yesterday husband and I had a talk and decided that we want to TTC in 6 months time. By then, we will have saved up a bit and I can work on my health even more. I have been to pregnency preperation before, so I know the steps to take to make it likely that I am healthy and have a healthy baby.

My concern is, how do I raise the issue with my other partner? He has been my other primary ever since we started dating and I have met his parents etc. We have discussed kids, but that was a while ago, he then said that he wanted to see me pregnant but he was not sure he wanted to be a father himself. Since then, he has sort of flirted with the idea of pregnancy and motherhood, said that all his friends are becoming fathers but him, and so on. He likes children and goes along with them well. We have been through a rough spot but I feel happy about it, we know each other very well and I can see him in the roles of a father or sort of uncle to the baby.

I am happy with either way he chooses to engage. But I want to have a child, I doubt he will oppose but I also dont think he has really thought through was a major change it will be if I become pregnant.

Another thing is, my husband has asked that he will be the biodad of "the first child", as he puts it. I understand his sentiment, but at the same time I find it a bit strange and it would meant that my other partner and I would have to use condoms while at the same time I am trying to get pregnant, and I am not sure I am comfortable with that.

Many big issues... Where do I start? I am very happy with what husband and I have decided, at the same time we can't really "decide" without my other partner! - if he was here we would sit down all three of us. But do I raise the issue with him now, or in six months time? I might stop drinking alcohol and start taking folic acid in 3 months time, I would feel weird not telling him why or asking his opinions on how to prenare. It is part of his life, too.

Also, my parents don't know he exists. I would like to tell them this year, too, but another part of me has this idea that if he got me pregnant, it would be like a closed deal (that is actually how my aunt presented her live-in-boyfriend/life partner to the family).
 

tenK

New member
I'd definitely talk to him about it now - the sooner the better. It's a big change for all of you potentially, and he has the right to talk you through any concerns he might have. I think including him in the discussion at this stage is the right thing to do. As for husband wanting to be biodad number 1, I totally get that. I would probably feel the same, especially since you guys had wanted to do that before boyfriend appeared on the scene. To my mind, using condoms is not a big sacrifice, especially if you and your boyfriend are still long-distance in 6 months time. Ultimately it's your body, and you have the right to use protection or not as you see fit, but it sounds like this is important to your husband, and as far as you know boyfriend is still on the fence about being biodad. Having a child with boyfriend just to ease him into your extended family seems dodgy to me, and could backfire massively.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Norwegianpoly,

I agree with tenK, go ahead and tell your other partner right away. You should ask him if he is okay with your husband being the biodad to your first child.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Hi,

we had the talk today. My boyfriend says he wants me to get pregnant, agrees it is time soon and wants my husband to be the biodad. He was a bit surprised and overwealmed, I think, but said right away he was on board with it. Everyone wants me to get pregant, so that is the good thing. I am sure using condoms will not be a problem for him.

It went better than I could ask for, still I am a bit ambivalent. Ideally, I guess I would have liked for him to say that he wanted to be the biodad for our second child (too soon, I know). Also, he said he connects not wanting to be a biodad with having thought that our relationship "has to end" - a sentiment he has from time to time that doesn'tmean that he plan to break things off - he seems very happy with me being his girlfriend and showed me lots of love even during this "serious" conversation - so I think it is more he worries that not having enough social support for our relationship can tear us apart. And perhaps some practical worries. My husband has said that he is willing to legally divorce me if that's what we need to relocate my boyfriend, but we will try to do the work route first.

Anyhow, I think I managed to wrap things up nicely with him. We will continue to have talks about this to map out the details. I wil have more visits to him and also he will come here to stay with us about two months.
 

tenK

New member
It sounds like the talk went well - I'm happy for you all! Just a thought that popped into my head: if you do end up going down the divorce route, having a child with your husband might actually be beneficial. Not only in reassuring husband that your commitment will not waver, but also in terms of immigration. Whilst it is unusual for the ex-partner to remain living with their former spouse after a divorce, being co-parents and having a small child to raise can at least present a logical explanation if there are any de-facto bigamy laws in your country. We are in such an immigration mess in Europe right now (or our politicians want us to be at any rate) that you can bet your ass that a Turkish man moving to Norway under a marriage certificate will be looked carefully under the microscope.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
It sounds like the talk went well - I'm happy for you all! Just a thought that popped into my head: if you do end up going down the divorce route, having a child with your husband might actually be beneficial. Not only in reassuring husband that your commitment will not waver, but also in terms of immigration. Whilst it is unusual for the ex-partner to remain living with their former spouse after a divorce, being co-parents and having a small child to raise can at least present a logical explanation if there are any de-facto bigamy laws in your country. We are in such an immigration mess in Europe right now (or our politicians want us to be at any rate) that you can bet your ass that a Turkish man moving to Norway under a marriage certificate will be looked carefully under the microscope.

Yes, it went well.

Still I am in a turmoil of emotions. Me getting pregnant and having a kid will definetely put a lot of preassure on him to move here - we have an idea for a work visa, but of course we don't know for sure yet - and his brother's upcoming marriage is of course making everyone wonder when we will marry. If our long term plans will be that I actually marry him that would solve lots of practical problems, but at the same time it could potentionally make things worse if some people in his country think I am cheating on him WITH my now husband /in their eyes my ex.

But yes, sure, for immigration purposes it will be exellent excuse that I live with my ex-husband because we have a child together. Thank you, I did not think about that :) There are bigami laws, they are mainly used when people are married abroad and come here to get married. That would not be the case with us. I think we could choose to not "settle the estate" if both parties agree to it. Or we could settle it, but still choose to live together. Many discussions to come! :)
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
wow, kudos to your husband for being willing to divorce you :) (haha not many places you can say that)
Yes, he is very sweet like that. I love the Brown family term "legally destructuring the family" - these changes will be legal only and not change anything in terms of where we live or how we see our relationship. It may, however, change somewhat how others see our relationship.

We will of course seek legilation advice to make sure any divorce and remarriage is legally sound, and also how I can still have my now husband in my will etc.

One reason to get divorced and remarry, besides immigration, would be that if we marry and he is the biodad, the children will be easily legally his. I would very much want for them to both be legally parents to my children, if they want to.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
TTC = Trying To Conceive
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Oh, I think someone told me on some other thread awhile back. I know Wiktionary didn't tell me!
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
I thought the concept of TTC was super common, from the land of abbrivations :p. I heard it in another (NOT baby) forum where there is also lots of Americans, nooone explained anything to anyone so I just secretly googled it, under the impression that I was the odd one out for not knowing :D

There is not a concept like that in my language. I guess you could say "we are trying", with the meaning implicit.
 
I have to admit the only TTC I ever heard of was the Toronto Transit Commission (and then adding "everyone on board?" made it sound like a slogan for the bus... :D )
 
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