Twice Burned


New member
I guess this is my story, my brief, and much tormented story, of my experiances with polyamory.

(Part 1)

My first experiance began with a couple that I met through pen palling. At the time I was a very gothic individual, not becuase I myself am much of a goth but because I have always loved people who are willing to think outside of the mold.

Thus I gravitated to the crowd of unusual creatures that marked the edges of 'Friendship books'. (Soiled little scraps of paper passed from pen pal to pen pal, with each adding a sort of platonic personals add.)

'Becky' found me through such a booklet and when I recieved her letter I was actaully at first quite impressed. She and her boyfriend were committed goths, free thinkers, and seeking a single, bisexual woman to join their love for a three way relationship.

I wrote her back eagerly, telling her that I was certainly intruiged by the idea. Something about the concept of loving more than one person and yet being fully intimate with both appealed to me so much more than the hard core, ridgid cut Christian diagram I had heretofore known.

The relationship between me and Becky progressed and at last her boyfriend was brought into the dialouge.

How breathlessly I remember awaiting their letters, and as I read each one, oh how very compatible they seemed with my own desires...

At last, the phone calls began. Mid-day and late at night, conversation about our hopes, dreams, desires... I went out of my way to write erotica for them, addicted to their approval of it all.

Finally the proposal came; "Come to us. Live with us, and be our bride."

I wish I could say I said yes because I loved them. But there was a darker truth.

Being raised in a household where grounding and curfews were unheard of because we never were permitted to go anywhere, I was eager to explore something beyond the world of the inside of my house.

At the age of 18, convinced I had found true love as well as an escape route from conservative Christianity, I boarded a plane bound for Florida.

I met Becky and Bill at the air port; and I think that the first glimps of their faces told me that I had jumped into a kettle of fish I'd not planned one. Becky was beautiful, stunningly so in fact, but her eyes were vacant and odd, as if focused on something no one else could see. Bill was large, blockish, with nothing fine or refined about his features. Gothic make up served mainly to make him look like an ill fish, and obviously lack of physical health didn't help his sex appeal much.

Still, I thought, this was the man who had captivated me with poetic decriptions of what he dreamed of for his life and his brides. I would have to give him a chance; judging by the outside if so fickle, I told myself.

They took me to their home and by the time I arrived I had pretty much discovered that I was COMPLETELY NOT in 'Kansas' anymore.

That night was my first polyamorous experiance in sex. I will not call it love making because though I was able both spiritually and physicaly to connect with the Becky, Bill seemed like an akward thing, something that was just... in the way.

Becky though, seemed to appriciate being the true focus of legitimate desire and thus I will not write that session off as a 'bad' experiace.

But no matter how passionate I could be with Becky, there was still a bit of terror for me to work through.

Bill pulled me aside later the next day to lay out his 'case' before me. He was, he explained, a registered sex offender. And proceeded to tell me how it was not, at all, his fault. I would have believed him too, were it not for the stash of 'barely legal' animated porn I found two hours later.

That pretty much cemented my distaste for Bill. Unjustly accused men I can loved whole heartedly, pedofiles however, are SOL with me.

Becky though, proved to be the worse disappoinment. I loved her; I truly did. And I did everything I could to show it to her. But somehow, through whatever twisted power was held over her by Bill, I found that the more I tried to show her love, the more she accused me of trying to steal Bill.

There was at last an awful scene with Bil threatening to kill himself, and Becky threatening to kill me, and eveybody yelling and screaming at each other. I believe that was the moment when I realized how unpardonably naive I had been.

These two, I found, were not the adult separatists I had thought they would be. Instead, they were sickly, reject children. Bill had declared vendetta on the world and become predatory. Becky had surrendered to so much abuse that she hardly knew what kindness was anymore.

I left after a mere two weeks with them; too disillusioned to be heartbroken.

I did learn that above all else; VERIFY, VERIFY, and DOUBLE VERIFY a person's true identity and feelings before seeking their physical company. Also, I do believe I learned once and for all that it was not Goths that I loved, but intellgence and creativity, and the Gothism was a substitute for niether one.

There is another part to my experiances with poly relatioships, but I will tell that in another post. :)
Well I'm almost 22 and this was when I was just barely 18. So that's.... 4 years back.
Well I'm almost 22 and this was when I was just barely 18. So that's.... 4 years back.

Although you are still young, there has been enough time to assimilate the experience, and thank you for answering because it helps us to understand a little better where you're at in general.
I have at least one more post to make in this thread. (TWICE burned) lol

I have had time to process the experiances I've had though. I did have a pause about posting this at all because I was concerned that people might simply write me off as a 'poly-curious' annoyance. LOL

But no, I have pretty well determined that I need more than one sexual/emotional partner in my life and I've learned from the experiances that I've had in the past.

I don't know exactly what I AM looking for, but I do know what I'm NOT looking for. If that make a difference... lol
A group of our friends once agreed we're all entitled to at least one "stupid". Some of us end up doing it more than others.

Hopefully you weren't too damaged by the incident, but it's good you found a place where you can vent about it and lay it all out there. Even if you don't need any help anymore, it's a freeing experience to get to talk about the unpleasant things that have happened.
Wow. That's some pretty heavy stuff, Erosa. I'm sorry that happened to you. And glad you made it out okay.
Second Flame

Thank you for all the comments and support. Here is the second part of the tale. LOL

(Part 2)

Having extracated myself from the situation with Becky and Bill, I firmly resolved not to let myself be so taken advantage of again.

I'd learned two good rules;

1) Verify everything
2) Look for MATURE adults.

I was soon to discover that those rules were not enough however.

Before I knew it, I was caught up in a whirlwind romance with a woman I had been friends with for years.

She was a praticing mono with a husband, but extremely lesbian curious. She also was one of the few people I could talk to for hours without ever getting bored.

Her name was Holly; gem eyed, Pagan, psychic, and fascinatingly intellegent. For all her IQ points though, she was flighty in a darting, fairy-like way. I adored her, and had know since I met her (when I was a minor) that making the leap from intense admiring friendship to love would be all too easy for me, and her also, once there were no statutes in the way.

Somehow though, my age of majority had come and gone and nothing had changed. Then after the incident with Becky and Bill, I was pretty much determined to be single for the rest of my life.

But Holly, who by this time had moved across the nation, managed to change my mind.

I don't remember who's idea it was for us to begin a triad with her husband, Mike, and her and I, but I do recall thinking it was a drastic miscalculation.

I proceeded to become their 'girlfriend' through an exclusively long distance relationship. There were long phone conversations between all three of us and at first everything was quite successful.

The problems began when I discovered that they were using me to tell vivid stories to one another in an attempt to revitalize their sex life. This hadn't bothered my with Becky and Bill, not at all. But with them, I felt violated somehow by this. (It took me a year to figure out why.)

The second part of the problem began when they started having increasing marrital troubles, and each coming to me privately for 'council'. Most of the time, this council took the form of a telephonic bitching session about how horrid the other spouse was.

Mike was the worst about this; telling me tale after tale of Holly's misdeeds, mistakes, and mishaps. I frankly, just got sick of hearing him beat her down.

At last I told Holly that enough was enough. Mike, I explained, no longer appealed to me in any way. If she wanted me, she'd have to have me by herself, but Goddess forbid that I would ever share myself with her husband.

It was a rediculous demand, and even I knew that at the time. And Holly, unsurprizingly, chose her husband over me.

That did hurt a little but I had expected it, and as their marriage seemed to be on it's very last legs, I thought that if I were to remain in the wings, I would likely be able to begin something beautiful with Holly once Mike was out of the picture.

Here is the irony in how right but also wrong I was. Holly did devorce Mike about a year later. But, though I had made it clear my love for her had not waivered, she selected a series of men, all of whom treated her horribly, over me.

My 19 year old heart was about shattered at this point, but the final indiganty was that she at last selected a man, married him, and then had the emotional sociopathy to request that I be the singer/songwriter/witness at their wedding.

I declined...

I have come to understand that the bottom line problem in this relatoinship was that the flow of love was uneven.

I loved Holly. Holly loved Mike. Mike loved... himself.

But this relationship did teach me the final rules that I have come to hold to when looking for a poly relationship.

1) Verify
2) Maturity
3) Love must be mutual, or not at all.
4) Stability is paramount; a third will never stabalize what two cannot carry alone.
5)Loyalty is absolute. You may have many lovers, but you must never betray them to each other.
I like the rules you've come up with.
I also have greatly enjoyed our pm's.
You are a very intelligent young lady!

I hope we can keep talking-it's been very peaceful and enjoyable as well as thought provoking!

Keep smiling. The oddest things happen when we aren't expecting them to.
^^ Thank you and I appriciate you taking time to read this.

I would also like to add to everyone here that this all is in my PAST. I was merely trying to give everyone an idea of where I am coming from. I was a bit hurt today to be told that I was disturbed and disfunctional (presumably because of this blog's contents? :( ) That's why I'm adding this note. :)
We all have a past, but what's important to me at least is that I have learned from mine and vowed not to duplicate it. LOL
Thanks so much!!!

I so much enjoyed reading your story, you write so well. Your "rules" are excellent, if only rules worked completely. In my "failed attempts" at poly, D/s each time I came away feeling saddened by how little people actually know about themselves or possibly how so many feel the need to misrepresent who they are in order to have a stab at love, which of course is terminally flawed logic. Again, thanks for sharing, don't give up looking, these are all learning experiences and one day it will all come together for you!
I wouldn't say disturbed and dysfunctional from your blog... I have to admit I did think "naive" in regards to the FL couple... but I think you might have even said that yourself?

I think what's important is that you took your experiences and got the lessons from them.

And I'm not one to talk of naiveté, I was taken in by conartists today. Pretty much a textbook case. :(

I just hope I learned my $218 lesson.
I was a bit hurt today to be told that I was disturbed and disfunctional (presumably because of this blog's contents? :( ) That's why I'm adding this note. :)

You don't seem disturbed or disfunctional to me after reading this blog. I think you are brave to not be totally disillusioned by love after your experiences, and it's admirable that you've been able to come out of those situations a stronger person with a clear view of what's important to you for your future. Stay true to that and it'll get you far.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us :)
reply to erosa

omg you are soooo right about verifying and identifying motivation in individuals...that was totally gutsy sharing...having moved on myself from many an erroneous relationship I concur wholeheartedly...later at the seder,joules
First, I think that it is wonderful that you felt you could come here and share your story. If just one person can learn something from it so they don't have to go through that sort of learning experience, then it's worthwhile.

I also think that it's great that you are are learning from your experiences - I have known too many people who never learn, they just blame the others and carry on making the same mistakes. Knowing what you want and what you don't want (the latter often being more important) is a very key thing, I believe.

Too often "secondaries" (and I use the term to mean someone who doesn't live together with a couple) get treated as "secondary" in the relationship, being used or treated like their feelings just plain don't matter. In my opinion that is just plain wrong and it does you a disservice.

Sometimes I hope that the "primary" couple are doing it out of ignorance, and that they, too, have learned by the experience, and won't make the same mistakes again, but I fear that some are doing it for altogether different motives than adding another loving relationship into their lives.

It's a pity that learning lessons like this has to be so painful sometimes.
On Being Dysfunctional

OMG...I am a woman with mucho life experience and if I have learned one thing through the years is that most people have had one or many dysfunctional moments whether they want to admit it or not. However, simply from your posts I cannot conceive how someone would diagnose you as dysfunctional!!! Someone with the gift of youth should not have to justify their choices, because that is your life that only YOU can my advice, no apologies in any way, shape, or's like this: At 22, women can pretty much do no wrong (unless of course they are ax-murderers) because your youth(which is totally YOURS) excuses you from the little faux pas of life.
Pretty much you can do no wrong! When I was 22, I lived my life the way I wanted-I was told one time in rehab I was a 'serial polygamist, often beginning one relationship while ending another'-I shit you not- thats wording they used on my treatment, dysfunction is in the eye of the beholder sometimes.....if I could impart anything to you from my years of experience I would say to you(and you are young enough to be my daughter) Erosa, go out and have all the fun you can, wear anything you want because on a 22 year old body you really can do no wrong experimenting fashion-wise, same with hair and make-up, and as far as relationships go just make sure that for all the time and energy you putinto something you need to get your needs met or it's freaking wake-up time! In other words, for all the bullshit you should get something if not everything out of it. And on that feelings of a secondary.....what I have observed is that a secondary has it rough in the relationship....and that yes the primary couple is like fucking clueless about it....more on that later and other stuff I have observed especially regarding those Human Awareness workshops and the parties....I mean, 'hello!!!' what the fuck does everybody really want?!
Can anyone be totally balls out honest about what they really want. There is a reason people pay big money for procedures that make them look believe me when I tell you that your youth gives you just the right advantage for survival in this world. You need Rhino skin just like Tom Petty says....l8tr