Two times I have felt angry or jealous, I don't understand.

zigzag

New member
As one side of a V, after many years of monogamy I feel I have coped really well with my wifes journey into polyamory. I feel I have, with the help of this site, and Franklin Veaux's book, been on top of emotions and managed things that have blindsided me. But two situations have occured that have worried me.

I have been comfortable with my SO having sex and spending the night with her OSO, and even all 3 of us spending the weekend together but her sleeping with him. Her OSO is also a good friend.

However on 3 occasions when me, my wife and her OSO have attended larger social gatherings such as parties I have found myself becoming increasingly irritated and very angry at them both as the evening wears on. In smaller groups it is not a problem, its the party ones that are. His stories and conversation suddenly irritate me, and her laughing at them and joining in makes me angry. They are not "out" amongst our immediate community. I can manage these emotions internally and nobody else, other than my wife, notices how I feel, they probably justthink I am a bit quiet. What I am struggling to work out is why when I have no problem with my wife being intimate with her OSO am I struggling when they are not being intimate but just at the same social function.

The other emotion is even more difficult. I have on several occasions gone to sleep quite happily but woken suddenly in the night immediately angry at my wife for no reason and it takes me an hour or so to calm down, realise the anger is unfounded etc. This happens regardless whether she is sleeping with me or him. Its as if my subconscious is fighting with more relaxed conscious.

Just interested if anyone else has experienced anything like these.
 

graviton

New member
I am only guessing but I believe that your hostility at larger social gatherings are due to an expectation that you and your wife should be together and should have a united front at parties instead of her and her boyfriend. It makes you feel like a third wheel and it makes you feel like you were the outsider rather than him. You might be angry that people see them as a couple rather than you and your wife.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi zigzag,

The thing with your wife and her OSO at parties, I take it, has to do with the fact that you're not out to everyone, and they're sort of taking advantage of that, or "challenging" you to call their bluff as they sort of noncommittally out themselves.

As for waking up angry at your wife, my perspective is that when the mind is asleep, who knows what it will dream up. And how that dream material will affect you when you wake up.

My wife died in 2013, having suffered from Alzheimer's for a good 12 years. I miss her terribly and she often visits me in my dreams at night. But now and then, I'll have a dream where I'm angry with her. I'll wake up angry at her. And then I'll feel terrible for being angry at her, because she doesn't deserve that.

The same thing can happen on those occasions when Snowbunny (the lady hinge of my V) appears in my dreams. I often dream of being terribly angry -- at whomever -- and the anger doesn't just vanish when I wake up.

The bottom line is, I think it's a mistake to take too much stock in the angry feelings that are generated in you while you're dreaming. If you start obsessing over that, you'll drive yourself nuts. Let your dreams be what they are: just dreams. And the feelings they stir up: just the aftermath of dreams. Those feelings die down soon enough, after you've had time to piece things together.

That's my perspective anyways.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
You are angry about the situation where you are not open. Plain and simple. People don't like to hide and you might feel they don't even hide well.
 

zigzag

New member
You are angry about the situation where you are not open. Plain and simple. People don't like to hide and you might feel they don't even hide well.

I certainly dont like the idea if lying to or misleading family and friends and we are starting to deal with this, within the bounds of a fairly conservative outlook of some of our family and friends.

I think perhaps after a lot of thought, in big social occasions its also a degree of jealousy because here OSO is quite a raconteur and an extrovert and I am naturally more introverted and I probably feel a bit insecure. Alcohol doesn't help either.

Also if her OSO was just a random acquaintance I would probably be a bit more challenging with his banter, views and opinions as I am in privtate where we have always enjoyed healthy but good natured banter, but in public as its my wife's OSO I feel need to keep quiet for both their sakes which probably makes me feel a bit oppressed.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Is it possible you're overprotecting your wife and her OSO at these social occasions? I hear "feeling oppressed," and I think, Hmmm, something's out of balance.
 

vanquish

New member
Waking up angry.
This can be a sign of depression. If you haven't gone to talk to someone about it, you might consider it. Here's why.

When you are depressed you tend to cycle intensely through the same problems and same solutions over and over and over. This is part of our evolution built to reach a solution in fight or flight situations - when faced with a life-threatening situation, we must make a snap decision and act on it. There is no time for playing around we need to choose and act.

Normally, the emotion would come to completion by doing something. You see there's a tiger in the trees, you feel anxious, then you run away. The cycle is done.

The trouble in today's world is that most things in life aren't horrible or amazing, but have elements of both good and bad. Depression makes people think in absolutes. So you're left thinking about things over and over, building your emotions up with no release because you're seeing things in absolutes. What this does is leave an uncompleted 'loop' in the brain's limbic (emotional) system.

It's healthier to see in shades of grey, not black and white. You don't feel that everything is hopeless and continue the cycle of over thinking.

When you're cycling through these thoughts and there's no solution to your problem when it's time to go to sleep, then the brain needs to do something with the emotional 'loops' that have been started. Dreams are how we attempt to process those loops and flush them out of our heads. Normally, this does its job, and everything stays in balance.

However, because you do so much more over-thinking when you're depressed, the brain has to increase the amount of dreaming you do. And the question isn't always figured out (even in dream logic). So you wake up angry or anxious.

That's a little bit about why you wake up that way. As for how to solve it, there are better folks than I to answer that. My quick take is: Identify your unresolved issues. Communicate actively and forthrightly about them to your partner. Push yourself as much as you can to improve, but make sure your emotional needs are met. Also distraction is good.

Social Outings
I can totally sympathize with you on that situation. To me, I can see you subconsciously (or consciously) processing it as "Look! This crowd of people thinks that my SO likes this guy more than her professed main squeeze!" Basically it appears like she's preferring him over the socially accepted norm that she be loyal, devoted, and interested in you. Making you a cuckold. That would suck!!

Now if they knew that you both were equal, it wouldn't make you look so bad. She wouldn't be neglecting her man and vibing with some guy right in front of everyone! I'm a little afraid that I might be playing into your fears and making things worse, but honesty is the best policy.

If it were me, I'd categorize this in two ways: 1) you need others to know you're important to her and 2) you need more time with her at these gatherings. The good news is fixing this is shouldn't be super hard on her part. She can devote more time to you, be more affectionate, and visibly check in with you in much closer intervals.

Of course I could have all of this terribly wrong. Just my perspective.
 
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