**Warning, the following is a stream of consciousness and a wall of text. You have been warned.**
So much going on lately. I’ve been wanting to write here for weeks now, but it’s just been too much. For starters, I’ve been traveling for work. I’m in Las Vegas all this week, between the super long hours, and the lack of sleep (my broken back issues make sleep in hotel rooms next to impossible). Add that to the high amounts of stress outside my work life, and it’s just been a constant hustle to stay on top of things.
Things with Bluebird are going really well. I’ve been thinking about it lately, wondering if maybe I’m not at fault for the prominent “Why are you still in this relationship?” posts that I got here recently.
I’ve never considered myself “easy” to love. I’ve got issues. Monkey alone is a big stumbling block for some relationships. My mania and depression are huge ones. The fact that I’ve been unable to have a real relationship for the past decade plus means that I’m picky, have been hurt quite often, and am reluctant to commit. I’ve got health issues and I’m allergic to cats. There are LOTS of reasons not to date me.
My reasons for pointing out all those flaws there, is that ANY relationship I’m going to have I think will have…growing pains at bare minimum. I expect that Bluebird and I will continue to have the occasional head-bump (we did a few days back) but we have rules in place now to de-escalate them, and each time something comes up it’s been more minor than the times before. I think part of that is attributed more maybe to her trusting more that I’m not looking for a way out, and am really committed for the long run.
So, if you’ve been reading bluebird’s journal, you know that she’s had some shit going on lately. I found out about PunkRock’s drinking issue at 5:00AM one morning. I woke up to my phone ringing. At first I thought it was my alarm going off. It felt WAY too early. I finally figured it out, and answered it. It was Bluebird. She was crying and just said that she was on her way to my house and she needed to talk to me. I was confused, but she wouldn’t say more, so I went to the door. I walked straight there, and unlocked it, almost as soon as I did, Bluebird opened the door. At this point she was crying so hard I was having a hard time understanding her, and I was half asleep myself, so I told her to get undressed and get in bed with me. She did, and I finally got her to tell me the story. When her story was told I was somewhat shocked and pretty disheartened. (Long story short, she caught PunkRock, an alcoholic in recovery, with the smell of booze on his breath. When confronted he confessed that he had been drinking) So, having told her story, (still crying) she said that she expected me to dump her, that it was way too much, in addition to everything else happening, to try to deal with her family and herself in upheaval. I told her that it WAS a lot to deal with, and that I expected to have a talk with her about it later, but that I didn’t think we needed to break up. She seemed really surprised at this. She told me that DarkKnight had told her that he thought this would be the end of us. I assured her that I loved her very much, and that I loved her in good times and bad. After that I just tried to comfort her and get her to sleep. I listened until she ran down a bit, then I suggested she stay and sleep with me a while. I called in to work and told them I wouldn’t be in (it was almost 7 before we went to sleep). Eventually we got a couple of hours of sleep, and I took her home. They are dealing with it in a good way I think. The only thing that bothers me about this is WHY he did it, and why he didn’t tell Bluebird as soon as he had. I hope he feels better soon and is able to deal with whatever issues are bothering him and making him want to drink.
At first I was really worried about this, because the last time he was feeling tempted to drink, it was because I was dating Bluebird. I sure hope I don’t have anything to do with it this time.
So, with that over, things have been pretty good. I got snowed in with Bluebird, during the blizzard for 3 days and we had an enjoyable time together. I did NOT enjoy shoveling snow for 4 hours straight to get her out, but it was a nice visit besides that. The day before some fun toys arrived from Amazon and a fun time was had by all. We got a set of under the bed restraints, and I highly recommend them.
The Monkey situation continues to be difficult. I went over there the other day after she was gone to work and had a talk with her Husband and Son, and basically told them that it was time to get real, and help out, starting with finding jobs, ANY jobs. I also told them that they needed to TALK to Monkey, and make a plan, so she didn’t feel like she was alone in all this. They made all the right noises and agreed with me, but I’m not confident that they will DO anything about it. Monkey has been talking with me a lot lately about moving out of her house (alone). She doesn’t make enough to get her own place. That means she’d have to move in with me, or another friend nearby. Frankly, I don’t like the idea of her being with her other friends. I don’t think they would be that healthy for her, and I would see her even less than I do now. OF course, moving in with me would have issues too. Either A) she’d move in with me still there, or B) I’d move in with Bluebird and just keep renting the apartment so that she could live there alone. That second option would definitely be best for both of us. I had intended to keep it anyway for a month or 2 while I made sure that it was going to work living with Bluebird. However, if Monkey needs to leave sooner I’d rather share my space with her. Bluebird isn’t too thrilled with the idea. I’m pretty sure that we’d be fine living together, for the short time that it might be needed. Bluebird was upset saying that we wouldn’t be able to be together there, and that she really likes our private time there. I pointed out to her that this is EXACTLY what it will be like if I’m living in her house. When I pointed that out, she said “OK, I’m still not thrilled, but OK.” I think that the whole thing is pretty much a moot point though. I don’t think she’s going to leave. If she does, I have a feeling she’ll choose to stay with one of her other friends. I’ll worry about her, but I don’t have any control over it.
I’ve been traveling lots lately. This week I’m in Las Vegas all week. Jet lag has been fucking me over majorly, and due to my back problems and hotel beds, I’m not sleeping either. The job itself has been aggravating too, and I’ve really been missing Bluebird. Did I mention that I hate Vegas? If you could transmogrify a dirty old ashtray into a city you’d get Las Vegas (fun fact, Las Vegas means “the plains”.) Sorry if you live here, or love it here, I do not. Bluebird has been dealing really well with my absence. She’s far from happy about it, but it’s been OK, she’s been really busy, and I’ve been working gangbusters, skipping lunch and breaks trying to get it done early so I can go home. Things are going really well for me and Bluebird right now, and I hate being away from her for weeks at a time.
Monkey works nights now, and sleeps most days. I almost never see her anymore. It’s gone from daily contact, hours a day, to maybe 4 hours a week, and most of those she just sleeps next to me on the couch. I really miss her. Sometimes my heart aches from missing her. I’ve managed to compartmentalize it though, and it hasn’t been affecting my relationship with Bluebird.
I’m going to New Mexico to see my kids this month for my Son’s birthday. I’m looking forward to seeing them. The big news is that Bluebird is going to come with me for part of the trip. I talked to my kids about it, they said they were cool with it. My son said “she’s going to come all this way just to spend a few hours with us? Okaaay…” which is almost exactly what I said to her, but it’s important to her, and I guess I can understand why. So the tickets are purchased and the plans are all made. I kinda wish we were doing something more fun, and less expensive together, but I guess it’s important. I’m going to give my parents a chance to have dinner with us, I’ll let you know if they accept or not.
Bluebird is a really great girlfriend and I feel lucky to have her in my life. Things are going well, and all things considered, I’m pretty happy. When I’m with her things just feel right.
OK, I’ve stayed up as late as I can (trying to normalize my waking schedule), but I am hurting and need to sleep now.
I want to update more often, I’ll try, but my schedule has been hell lately.
Hope you’re well.