You may have already read on Bluebird’s journal that she and I broke up today.
Maybe later I’ll want to talk about why, and what happened. There are reasons, for where we ended up, most of which are related to my pain and my depression (or both) but right now I just wanted to list all the great things that Bluebird brought into my life.
Bluebird made me feel truly valued. All of the time I was with her, I never doubted that Bluebird valued me and valued our relationship. Bluebird made me feel wanted, more than almost anyone else I’ve been with.
Bluebird took me out of my comfort zone in lots of good ways. Left to my own devices, I often tend to shrink into myself and end up spending a lot of time alone. Bluebird pushed me to spend time with other people, in public spaces, doing activities I enjoyed, but would be unlikely to do alone. Live theatre, Game stores, Pub quiz, all things I’ve enjoyed, and had access to, but would never have done if she hadn’t been there to encourage me.
Bluebird showed me how great it was to be with someone who actually enjoyed my hobbies. I haven’t ever dated anyone who shared my interest in the nerdier parts of my life. RPGs, Wargames etc. Holly is the only girl I’ve ever seen at a game store who wasn’t there with her boyfriend. Being able to actually do things I enjoy with someone I love has been really great. I can’t imagine settling for anything less ever again.
Bluebird has done her best to take care of me and cater to my specific needs to keep me comfortable. She’s given up her own space to have me near, and has purchased air filters for my allergies, washed my laundry, carried things for me, etc. She’s done lots of acts of service for me.
Bluebird has been the midwife to my poly self. She’s been patient with me while I struggled with the new poly issues and spent a lot of time talking to me about my concerns about love and sex with someone who is already in a couple of serious relationships.
Being with Bluebird has taught me a lot about myself. The above are just a few of the things float immediately to the top when I think about the last year. There are many more. I just wish I could have had what I did, being who and what I am, without having hurt her at all. I think I can honestly say that’s my only regret for my time with her.
Maybe more later.