Understanding a break-up

Norwegianpoly

New member
Has the thread served it's purpose? Has it helped you any? Are there remaining questions for you? Do you perhaps want to reformulate the reques of your original post to something else now that days have passed?
I think it is been very helpful to hear people's ideas ideas about the subject. I might start a new thread to clearify some points.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Looking at this from another angle: you wanted to be poly. He tried, for a long time, to give you what you wanted, he tried to be okay with it. And you now blame him for trying so hard and for so long to give you what you want and sacrifice himself for your happiness.

If he'd said, "I know myself, no, I'm not doing poly," what would have been said about him, either by you or other polys? That he's too close-minded to try? That he's trying to control you? That he thinks he's in charge of your body and your sexuality? That he's forcing ultimatums on you?

I think many mono spouses feel they have the choice of agree or lose their marriage. I think many mono spouses originally find a girlfriend/boyfriend because it feels too uneven and painful otherwise, but the men, especially, find that they're very often home alone with no girlfriend while their wives are out with a boyfriend. If they say, "This hurts and I don't like it," they are accused of all sorts of things, of control, of playing tit for tat, of jealousy, of not managing their emotions. So they say nothing, until they finally can't stand living like that anymore.

I know of one couple who used to be here--primarily the wife. She told us here how gloriously happy they were, how her husband was so wonderful in his acceptance of her boyfriend and poly-ness, etc. On the mono spouses of polys group elsewhere, I stumbled across her husband. He saw things very differently. He saw exactly the choice I describe above and had every intention of leaving the marriage as soon as the kids grew up.

I'm betting he had told his wife at least once or twice that he was not happy with her having a boyfriend, and he quickly learned that his feelings on the matter were not welcome. So he quit saying it and she chose to believe his feelings just magically disappeared.

As another example: I did this myself with my husband and his cheating. I told him a few times it better stop or I was filing. He lied, denied, and went on his merry cheating way. I quit wasting my breath, figuring it was his problem if he didn't believe me. He chose to believe I was fooled by his brilliant lies again, and lo and behold he was broadsided when I followed through and did exactly as I'd told him I would.

Again: this is exactly what I see in your husband's decision. Re-read my first three paragraphs.



Might he possibly feel the same about agreeing to a monogamous marriage and then having the ground rules changed? Yes, he may have 'agreed' to it, but....re-read my first three paragraphs above.

I don't think she is out of line to place some blame on him. After all, it takes two people to be present in order to have a relationship. It's not her fault if he couldn't communicate his true feelings.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I don't think she is out of line to place some blame on him.

I'd go so far as to say that blame is never helpful. I'd encourage anyone to try and see things from the other POV and take responsibility for her own part in a relationship, but blame is inherently negative and accusatory. Even if we do it in the privacy of our own mind, nothing positive ever comes of blame.
 

LanaH102

New member
The below extract sums it up perfectly.I think you believe it's a difficult situation when in reality it is at it's basic core. He wants to live a normal life with just you but he knows you would never do that and he simply wants a fresh start to find love and be happy.


My interpretation of " its gone too far" is his realization that you are way way past the point on no return to return to a mono life with him. And 1) he wouldn't want to put you in a position of choosing and 2) he'd rather not have you choose because it would be crushing to not be chosen.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
The below extract sums it up perfectly.I think you believe it's a difficult situation when in reality it is at it's basic core. He wants to live a normal life with just you but he knows you would never do that and he simply wants a fresh start to find love and be happy.
But that is where he is wrong. I do want a "normal" life (I entered poly life very reluctantly and only because I fell in love with people I met in daily life). If my husband would have presented me with a choice; choose him or me, I honestly dont know who I would have chosen. They are both preacious to me.

He did ask me, very hypothetically and rushed, if I would choose a life with him and him alone (after having told me he had 1 1/2 feet out the door) and I told him the truth; I have no idea if I would have chosen you, because right now you dont know if you want a life with me, you told me perhaps kids are off, future is off, you dont seem to enjoy anything at all and least of all me. Are you asking me if I would choose you if it is going to be like this, you asking me with a sad face on a bus full of people, not even asking such a serious question in a nice way, then the answer will have to be I dont know. Because I have no idea what I would be choosing. You act like a ghost and like I cheated on you. I feel horrible. I dont know how to answer. Because you dont seem like you want to be with me.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
I'd go so far as to say that blame is never helpful. I'd encourage anyone to try and see things from the other POV and take responsibility for her own part in a relationship, but blame is inherently negative and accusatory. Even if we do it in the privacy of our own mind, nothing positive ever comes of blame.
I dont blame him, even if I feel cheated on by the situation. For me to blame him, I would have to think he did anything on purpuse, to hurt me. I dont think that, at all. He tells me he lied even to himself and I belive that is what happened.
 

LanaH102

New member
Your comments below do explain everything and nothing. You say you want a normal life and if asked to do so you could not say yes. I'm confused. Which is it that you want?

Your husband know's this and that's why he has walked away. I have read many of your comments in this thread and you continually talk about feeling for other men, he has had his girlfriends that have broken his heart. It truly sounds like he has entered the poly life for some excitement, had it, and now wants to move on in a normal life with one true love.

For that, i understand and certainly wish him the very best with a possible new wife, a home and children. It's clear you will not / can not lead a mono life and for that i wish you all the very best.

It is that very simple. I think you are just stressing and making a bad situation worse coming here instead of engaging your reality. :)


But that is where he is wrong. I do want a "normal" life (I entered poly life very reluctantly and only because I fell in love with people I met in daily life). If my husband would have presented me with a choice; choose him or me, I honestly dont know who I would have chosen. They are both preacious to me.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Your comments below do explain everything and nothing. You say you want a normal life and if asked to do so you could not say yes. I'm confused. Which is it that you want?
Because what he is offering it not a normal life, or a return to the life we used to live.. He has hinted that I might be able to stay with him on probation. So life with him will be begging to stay with a depressed man, who tricked me and himself for two years, is in the middle of a mental breakdown (his words), left me a week after admitting we had problems and can not promise me a child, a future or even that he will work on himself. He says that he is not fit to have a girlfriend right now, and that sounds about right.
 

Tinwen

Active member
... a depressed man, who tricked me and himself for two years, is in the middle of a mental breakdown (his words)
Well, if he was asking here for advice, I would tell him not to make these huge decisions (leave his life partner) in the middle of depression and breakdown. People are not advised to do big life-altering decisions in the grip of despair. Feeling like you can't handle children or life in general, or love your partner, is an inherent feature of depression.
Unless he is 100% sure that poly is actively adding to his pure mental state, that is - in that case, yes, he should probably leave.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Yikes! After that i'm confused on why your still engaging with him. That certainly sounds like the Titanic. :confused:
Oh, I have a lot of good feelings for him, even if he is behaving somewhat rough right now. I know he is overwealmed, our friends tells me that all he does is sleep. He told me he started therapy. There is a lot of angry things I would like to say to him, but I tell my diary instead ;)
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Well, if he was asking here for advice, I would tell him not to make these huge decisions (leave his life partner) in the middle of depression and breakdown. People are not advised to do big life-altering decisions in the grip of despair. Feeling like you can't handle children or life in general, or love your partner, is an inherent feature of depression.
Unless he is 100% sure that poly is actively adding to his pure mental state, that is - in that case, yes, he should probably leave.
That is what the therapist said, too. He is making huge decitions against the advice of absolutely everyone. The speed at which he does it make people shake their heads, too. It is hurtful as well as reeks of desperation. It is not like I have been bad-behaved either. I think it actually confuses him that I am not raging against him. But he is also not in a position to take care of me as a lover or even a friend would, he sees only himself. And so, it is a good idea that we stay apart.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
But he is also not in a position to take care of me as a lover or even a friend would, he sees only himself.

Just asking, cuz my mind goes there - is there any alcohol, pot or other drug consumption going on? Sorry if I missed this info if you've already shared it.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
It's clear you will not / can not lead a mono life and for that i wish you all the very best.
This is actually not the case. If my husband does not come back, I will continue to live with my boyfriend only. My boyfriend already brought it up and I again said I will not take another lover besides you. Had my boyfriend left me, and I was still dating my husband, I would also not take another lover. I have also told my husband this. The way I saw it, it was either us three working out, or monogamy for me. I have lived monogamously before and had not problem with it.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Just asking, cuz my mind goes there - is there any alcohol, pot or other drug consumption going on? Sorry if I missed this info if you've already shared it.
No, there is not. My husband does not smoke tobacco or pot and he only drinks alcohol or smokes a water pipe a couple of times a year. I smoke tobacco/pipe or drink alcohol only once in a while. We have a pretty clean lifestyle.

He does, however, have a history of having severe depression in the past. He was even treated for his during the first years of our relationship. The therapist also calls what he goes through now depression.
 

LanaH102

New member
Ending

The Poly wife, The confused Husband, the Boyfriend, the Therapist and the diary. You couldn't make this stuff up. At what point will one of you just see the ending here so everyone can move on?
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
The Poly wife, The confused Husband, the Boyfriend, the Therapist and the diary. You couldn't make this stuff up. At what point will one of you just see the ending here so everyone can move on?
I am happy that my depressed ex is seeing his doctor and a proper therapist and not just struggling on his own. I also feel good about that I am able to not loose my temper with him. I was numb the first couple of weeks after the breakup, now I feel ready to take care of myself and my boyfriend. Sometimes people get back together, sometimes they don't. Right now we have very different perspectives and it is the right thing that we are apart.
 

siri

New member
hi :)
You may not be ready to read between the lines and look at the situation objectively just yet. If you're still at the 'mourning' stage for your failed relationship, you still need time to heal. If this is the case, wait until you're ready.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
hi :)
You may not be ready to read between the lines and look at the situation objectively just yet. If you're still at the 'mourning' stage for your failed relationship, you still need time to heal. If this is the case, wait until you're ready.
What do you mean by "read between the lines"?

The objective situation is that my exhusband has left me. He moved out of our common flat, changed his last name, and filed for an official seperation. When I meet him, my moods, words and actions are somehow slightly wrong to him - it even annoyed him that I was smiling. I would be pretty daft and delutional to not understand that I am rubbing him the wrong way and that he needs space now and possably forever.

He wanted to leave, so in his eyes I need to "agree" that the relationship is over forever - I can agree to him leaving, but he also can't stop me from missing him or thinking he might return. I need time to make sense of everything that has happened. Him having left does not feel as raw as in the beginning, but when people ask why he left, I have no answers.

If my exhusband decides to come back, I will place some conditions for that - for instance him getting help for not sharing emotions, and us finding quite a different way of making decitions, since he obviously agrees to things he does not want to. His conditions to go back to me would perhaps be; mono, making money in a steady full time job, family not making demands (my sick mum is dependant on me and my husband resents it). We are both tired of each other. These days it is good to be apart.

If he still wants us to be apart a year from now, I will give him his divorce and move on with my life, including possably marrying my boyfriend and get more attached to his family.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I'm glad you're making progress, Norwegian. What a hard situation.
 
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